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Thread: Men....funny!!

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    Location
    Crystal River Florida
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    9,771
    How are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

    How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
    We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

    How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

    How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
    Make him wear shoes.

    How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

    How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

    How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
    Two. If you slice them very thinly.

    What did God say after creating man?
    I can do so much better.

    What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
    Any place without a drive-up window.

    What do you call a handcuffed man?
    Trustworthy.

    What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
    Exchange him.

    What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
    A power failure.

    What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

    How can you tell when a man is well hung?
    When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
    Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

    Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
    Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
    Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

    Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
    Because not one will stop and ask for directions.



    :lol:

  2. #2
    Super Member dvseals's Avatar
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    hehe

  3. #3
    Senior Member janethagy's Avatar
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    hehehe... love it..:)

  4. #4
    Super Member drivingsusan's Avatar
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    Best..Your very best one yet!!!!!

  5. #5
    Super Member Qbee's Avatar
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    ROFL!! ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!

  6. #6
    Super Member MaryStoaks's Avatar
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    Keep them coming Ditter!

  7. #7
    Power Poster
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    :lol: 8-) :lol:

  8. #8
    Super Member 0tis's Avatar
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    Funny - but I am so glad that my hubby doesnt' belong on that list...(and he did not pay me to say that)...

  9. #9
    Moderator littlehud's Avatar
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    So funny.

  10. #10
    Super Member C.Cal Quilt Girl's Avatar
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    LOL... seems like I know a few with those traits :)

  11. #11
    Super Member hperttula123's Avatar
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    Northern Wisconsin
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    rolf....I had to tell some to my boyfriend. I don't think he gets it...lol!

  12. #12
    Super Member grammiepamie's Avatar
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    Yea Ditter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

  13. #13
    Power Poster cjomomma's Avatar
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    Murray, Ky. Looking for a nice cushy pillow to rest my head on!
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    Love it!!!!!

  14. #14
    Senior Member theoldgraymare's Avatar
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    I love it! Don't think my DH will appreciate it though...LOL

  15. #15
    Super Member Gramof6's Avatar
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    :D Hot dern you are on a roll!!! :D :D :D Love these & Thank You for the laugh. :wink:

  16. #16
    Super Member
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    Which end to wipe.ha ha ha ha ha----------------LOVE IT

  17. #17
    Super Member
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    Just what I needed to start the day..a good belly laugh!!

    And it sure does picture accurately most men I've ever met!! Especially the ones I threw back into the gene pool.

  18. #18
    Ms. Shawn's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Location
    Madison Heights, VA
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ditter43
    How are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

    How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
    We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

    How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

    How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
    Make him wear shoes.

    How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

    How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

    How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
    Two. If you slice them very thinly.

    What did God say after creating man?
    I can do so much better.

    What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
    Any place without a drive-up window.

    What do you call a handcuffed man?
    Trustworthy.

    What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
    Exchange him.

    What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
    A power failure.

    What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

    How can you tell when a man is well hung?
    When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
    Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

    Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
    Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
    Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

    Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
    Because not one will stop and ask for directions.



    :lol:
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll: :thumbup: :XD:
    Ditter you are the funniest person there is!!!! I almost "wet" myself again!!!! :shock: :thumbup: :XD: ;)

  19. #19
    Junior Member
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    Thanks Ditter, I so look forward to your "words of wisdom" especially on days when a good chuckle is needed!!

  20. #20
    Super Member
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    I really do wish you lived next door!!

  21. #21
    Junior Member
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    Curwensville, PA
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    Like the last one best!

  22. #22
    Power Poster sandpat's Avatar
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    heee heeee...I don't think I'll share this one with DH though...

  23. #23
    Junior Member funcupl's Avatar
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    Apr 2010
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    NE Iowa
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    292
    Love your daily "make me smile"s.....thanks for doing this...you always make me smile!

    Claudia

  24. #24

    Join Date
    May 2010
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    Dewittville, NY
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    613
    I don't know where you get all these but keep em coming. Thanks for the laughter.

  25. #25
    Power Poster lynnie's Avatar
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    Long Island
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    Ditter, you;re always good for a great laugh
    thanks

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