Christmas with Adult Children
 

How do you all handle gift giving in families with grown children? I have two grown daughters and their husbands and two grandchildren. That's it - not too many to shop for. Both my daughters are doctors and their husbands also make good money. The girls want to draw names this year in an effort to simplify things. I don't really see this as being complicated, especially since they both use my Amazon Prime account (no shipping fees) for their shopping. It's not like they are out battling crowds.

Anyway, I told them they could draw names among themselves if they choose to but that I would give each of my children (including SILs) and grandchildren gifts. I also told them I would be happy to limit myself in the number of gifts purchased for each person. I usually give them about 5 presents each but only one of those presents per person costs over $20. The rest are usually very small kitchen or shop gadgets - just things that I think they would truly enjoy but probably wouldn't buy for themselves. I have never given my grandchildren more than 3 gifts for Christmas or Birthday as I feel that the majority of presents should come from their own parents.

I also told them that they didn't have to purchase gifts for their father and I. We would be thrilled with their time helping to decorate or prepare for the meals or going to church with us the Sunday before Christmas. Or if they wanted, one of them could get their father a gift and one could get me something. And I pointed out to them that neither of us want anything expensive or physically large so wrapping and transporting shouldn't be a problem. I also told them if they want to put a $ limit or a # of packages limit on me that would probably be ok.

One of my daughters thinks I am being totally unreasonable. I don't see what's wrong with parents giving their children (grown or not) a few Christmas presents, especially if it gives us joy to do so.

So I'm curious, what does your family do about Christmas giving?

Thanks in advance.

Yikes! Sounds like you really enjoy Christmas shopping whereas your next generation does not.

Personally, I think giving 5 presents to each child and spouse (when both couples are obviously making lots of money) is too much, especially when 4 of the gifts are under $20. It makes for too much "stuff" after they are already able to purchase all the "stuff" they specifically want for themselves. It may make you feel good, but chances are it doesn't make them feel good. That's why I don't see the point of it. If it were me, I'd try to give each adult a meaningful gift that cost a bit more -- perhaps a handmade ornament or quilt for each adult.

I also personally think that grandparents giving each child 3 Christmas gifts is fine.

Our family eventually went the name-drawing route, which was a great relief to everyone. But, this was a much larger family than yours (3 brothers and sisters, about a dozen nieces and nephews -- you get the picture). After quite a few years of doing it this way, the big family get-together at Christmas died out. The family split up a bit, and parts of it get together, but I simply meet with two of my siblings and exchange gifts with them at Christmas time. My adult daughter is not married and does not have children; she and her boyfriend are of the belief that the more presents they get, the better! However, neither is a doctor and both live on very limited incomes (and are in college off and on). Totally different situation than yours.

Maybe you could compromise. Gifts they give to you could need to be the things you want; in exchange, you give only one gift to each adult child. They can do the name drawing amongst themselves. :)

It could be that they have all the "stuff" they want and need - Maybe they think it's very difficult to get you anything meaningful -

However, in our family - which isn't very big - everyone felt major relief when the gift EXCHANGE was stopped.

Our kids had no idea of what to get for us - and everyone seemed too busy to contribute time/labor to anything.
Our kids are all around 50 - and they have no "need" for anything we can afford - what daughter wants is child supervision once in a while - but her kids are so booked up that it's hard to find a few minutes when they are unscheduled.

Perhaps your urge to give could be to transferred to adopt a needy family and dote on them. Maybe you could all go together and get someone "something special/needed" that he/she probably would not be able to get because they were poor. Like a new refrigerator or microwave oven -

I kind of understand that you feel that your parade is being rained on. You could go even one farther, and say "Good idea - no Christmas gifts for any family this year - We will do something special for ourselves with that money." You could "make it up" for birthday presents if you had severe gift giving withdrawals.

Do you (all) still get together during the winter holiday season? Maybe that's enough for the rest of the family?

I wanted to mention that one year my daughter's school "adopted" a very needy family for Christmas. My husband, daughter and I had a wonderful time shopping together for this family. It was actually more fun than usual because we didn't have to wrap all the gifts we bought (school volunteers took over that part).

In my family I have for the most part stopped exchanging gifts with my brother and sister. Sometimes I get my parents a gift card, but if they want something they usually buy it for themselves. It's nice and simple. My husbands family however is all about exchanging gifts. The problem is most of these folks are pretty well off and the presents in my price range (about $20) just doesn't work here. They kind of frown on gift cards because it's not really thoughtful, but I don't really spend a lot of time with them to know what would be inexpensive and "meaningful". The reality is they have all the stuff they could possible ever need or want. I'm not sure what happens to the gifts we give them because over the course of 25 years I have RARELY seen something we have given any of them around or used. There are about 10 people to buy for and it just stresses me out trying to find the perfect thoughtful gift for these people who I really don't spend time with other than the holidays. We have tried drawing names, but they all hated it so it went by the wayside. Once again as the holidays approach, my stress level rises over this issue. Last year we opted out because we just didn't have the $$ to do it, but we still receive gifts from them which makes it awkward. I'm already getting stressed out about this and it's still October. BTW I have baked for them, but my MIL & SIL both make cookies so if I give them more it's kind of overkill and my MIL quilts and my SIL is an amazing seamstress so I can't really give them quilts either. UGH!

my husband and me get his nephews gifts or gift cards. their parents are a dr. and a lawyer. I have a son from a previous marriage. We just got a condo and are barely getting by. they on the other hand, complain bout alot of things costing too much like summer camp all summer and the cost of a second car. we have 2 cars. they never give to my son, which i think isn't right. wht do you all think. We buy their 2 sons b'day and christmas gifts. my son get nada. This year, we can't afford to buy each other a gift. I made a promise with GOd if my son didn't have a disease that the drs. thought I'd buy a bike for a poor kid, so a poor kid is getting a very nice bike and accessories this year.

I give my grandkids 3 gifts each -- one of the 3 is socks because in our family socks means love. I will buy gifts for my kids and their spouses because they rarely get anything for themselves and it is one time I can pamper them. I would rather that they not spend any money on us -- if we want something bad enough we will buy it.

My kids decided that they wouldn't exchange names last year and that included the grandkids. We still give the kids money and the grandkids all get a Christmas ornament plus a small amount of money. We told the kids we didn't want anything as we can buy what we want and told them to spend the money on their kids.

Lynnie, tell them your heart is urging you to give to needy children, instead of sending the usual Christmas/birthday gifts. Then let that be it. Many children get very little, if anything, and will appreciate even the smallest gifts. Use up some scraps and make small stuffed animals or dolls. Another option is to make and give small gifts to residents in a nursing home. Many of those older people are all but forgotten, around the holidays. These gifts don't have to cost you anything, if you use what you have on hand, along with your imagination. :)

We used to exchange gifts with extended family but the holidays just got to be too stressful, with all the shopping. Now what I do is instead of giving holiday gifts, I give a gift when the mood hits me, 'for no reason' other than that I feel like giving someone something. To me, this is much more meaningful than giving a gift because it's expected. At the same time, the receiver isn't put into the position of feeling as he/she should give a gift in return. I just tell folks that if/when they want to give me something, to do it whenever. No pressure, no expectations. Each gift given and received, is a surprise and is extra special!

We do exchange Christmas gifts with our grown kids but never feel the need to break the bank over it! No one keeps track of who spent what, for whom.

All the grand kids want is gift cards! What fun is that?

My take is they are busy and want to take time to enjoy family and friends. They don't want to reduce the time spend on finding/buying gifts and instead use this time on what really matters. (You did a great job in teaching them what is important in life.)

If it was me in this situation, I would agree with their plan AND if I felt I needed to shop for more gifts, I would be buying gifts for someone that truly needs my gifts. After all, isn't that what Christmas is about?

For the past two years, I have given my son and his family a yearly zoo membership and am planning to continue this year. I also give them each a couple of surprises to unwrap. We do our best to focus on "experiences", not "stuff".

My DDIL is the youngest of 4 sisters and there are 22 people in their giving group. There are 2 drawings for names - one for the adults and one for the children. This system has worked well for them for years.

My holiday traditions have gradually changed and simplified over the years. Thank goodness!!! Younger generations want to create their own traditions. Both of your daughters "want to draw names this year in an effort to simplify things." I think the core of the previous sentence is - "Both daughters want to simplify." Perhaps the best Christmas present you could give them this year is to go along with their request.

We used to exchange names for gifts but that was still not much fun. For the adults (anyone over 16!) we are now playing a 'CHRISTMAS' game - each year, everyone buys one gift, the gift starts with the current letter of the year (this year we're on 'T'). Limit for each gift is agreed upon prior - usually around $25. The gifts are wrapped as 'guy', 'gal' or 'anyone' gifts and placed in a pile. A deck of cards is shuffled and everyone gets a card - highest card picks first - gifts are opened as we go. Everyone, in turn, picks either from the pile or from someone who already has a gift (then that person gets a new gift). After everyone has something, another round of cards is passed out, and this time we either exchange or keep what we have (if exchange, the person you take the gift from can keep or exchange again - altho some years we skip that part). There are always interesting articles and lots of laughter. Makes it really easy - want to play, bring a gift!

Younger children provide a list to aunts/uncles and we pick something from their list. No grandkids to spoil yet.

At work, we eliminated 'Secret Santa' in favour of supporting families in need via the local social service agency - they provide us with age/sex of the child in need, and each child gets $100 in gifts. In the past, we've had some large families and have also gifted shopping/grocery cards to the parents. Some people just love shopping, and they volunteer to find the goodies for the kids. Some shop all year and find bargains throughout the year, keeping them for the next Christmas. Sure feels good to spread some Christmas cheer to local families we know appreciate it.

We do the exact same thing Tartan does.....gifts for the children and the adults give to a charity.

My husband has 5 sisters years ago when we all had small kids we each bought something for all of the kids. Then for the adults we agreed to give each other the same every year (1 gift for each set if parents) we gave a family picture, a favorite recipe and a Christmas ornament. I for one loved it and have all of the recipes in a book all the kids pictures and almost ll of the ornaments. (some have broken) it was a great way to share something and not burden others with the stress of shopping, or cost of a gift Then as some of the family's moved and we stopped sharing Christmas day that tradition died out and we started drawing names for the kids only , and only the ones that would be there on Christmas day. they got one gift from grandma and grampnda and one from the cousin that drew their name. That worked well for a few years till twice one of my daughter didn't get a gift...."oh we left it at home we'll send it". . Nope never happened so the following thanksgiving when we traditionally drew names I ended it.

A few of us still get together on or around Christmas day, we just eat hang out and remember when all the kids were young and how much fun it was to have them all together.

The only Christmas gifts we buy now is for our 2 daughters, their current boyfriend and my best friend and her husband and 2daughters. Easy peasy no fuss no muss and I never feel stressed or guilty over any of it.

When we were younger and first married my husband and i didn't really have much cash at Christmas...but it WAS Christmas....and i think we all carry that Norman Rockwell vision of the tree and presents and Christmas Day. We just want our family (and friends) to feel the magic. And it's SO HARD to get there....and it can make us sad in ways that really cut deep when we don't.

We created a tradition that we still do every year. We each get $55 (50 + 5 for tax) - in the afternoon after lunch on Christmas Eve we go to the mall. The rule is, no more than $10 can be spent on a gift...then we each go our separate ways in the mall.
You would be surprised what you can get at the mall on Christmas Eve for $10 or less. Not "junk" either (my hubby always hits the Victoria Secrets sale and i get some new undies) We have a ball !!! - spend a couple of hours scouring the stores - leave the mall with lots of bags - then go out to dinner at TGI Friday's - then go home and wrap the gifts.

When it comes to the kids and grand-kids --- they know what my budget is - everyone gets to ask for 1 gift that they would really like to have --- that one gift will be under the tree - that has been the "rule" since my kids first understood what Christmas was almost 40 years ago......and if there is money left over, there will be more under the tree or in their stocking.....and of course there are always things that i have made for them.

One of my favorite things tho is the baking day i have with my 3 DGD every December. We bake dozens of cookies - i make the dough and do the hot oven stuff -- they make the cookies and decorate them. Last year they each did a gingerbread house too. What a HOOT those turned out to be. I treasure those days - and hope they will be a happy memory for the girls too when i'm not here any more.

I have given my kids, grands and great grands the same thing each year: a Waterford ornament that they can use (I hope) forever. Started this when all the grands were first born and have continued it until now. Sometimes they fuss, but I really don't care....I will NOT give them junk gifts; clothes are out as I wouldn't know what to get! And I won't get candy for them, either unless it's just a small amount of a really good chocolate. They all seem to be happy with their ornaments, so as long s they are....

The daughter who thinks you are unreasonable is also telling you that the Christmas gifting is very stressful for her. Difficult as it may be, you might want to give her request more consideration.

A solution for you - give them small 'because I love you' gifts throughout the year instead of all at once on Christmas.

I come from a large family. We long ago decided that we, as siblings, would not give gifts to each other for Christmas or birthdays. Our nieces and nephews get small gifts, and now they like money so that is an easy wish to fill - Thank God! Once they were out on their own, we stopped gifting them at all, but we do gift their children. My own grandchildren get money, but I usually give them a small gift to open on Christmas day as well.

Excellent solution!

Enjoy Christmas! You are not being forced to give gifts. You are enjoying doing it.

Maybe spread out the gifts throughout the year. A small gift on a down day can really brighten the day.

I give my Christmas gifts anytime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Have you thought how many gifts your daughters are buying? Let's do some math (with some guesses) and just look at it from one daughter's viewpoint. As you stated a parent should give each child, 5 gifts each plus say 3 Santa gifts each. Now if your daughter wants to teach the importance of "giving", each child should be giving a gift to their sibling, and their parents. And she gives 2 gifts to her spouse. That is a total of 26 gifts to be given within their family unit.

Each activity the kids are in, has a coach which needs a gift, 3 activities * 2 kids = 6 gifts. Each teacher needs a gift, 1 teacher * 2 kids = 2 gifts. Maybe the kids have friends that they want to send gifts to, 3 friends * 2 kids = 6 gifts. That's 14 more gifts.

I am sure your daughter has some special girlfriends that she always exchanges gifts with, 3 friends = 3 gifts. And maybe these friends each have 2 children, = 6 gifts. That's 9 gifts to her girlfriends.

Gifts within her family, 1 for you, 1 for your husband, 1 for sis, 1 for brother-in-law, and 3 gifts to each niece/nephew. That's 10 gifts for her family.

Assuming, her husband comes from the same-sized family. Another 10 for his family.

If I can add correctly, that's 69 gifts. This does not include any hostess gifts (if they are invited out), other gift exchange, or other unexpected gift-giving occasion.

Sounds pretty crazy. I speak from experience, this is why daughters ask their mothers to "please draw names".

I do give them gifts throughout the year - just because. It might be a manicure or a homecooked meal or an outfit (that they select) or a necklace or something like that. The small gifts at Christmas are things they will use for instance - one daughter scrapbooks extensively so I may give her some fun scrapbooking paper. The other daughter loves to cook so I do look for some fun small kitchen gadget. Both of their husbands do the repairs and maintenance on their cars so last year their small present was a magnet bowl for their shops. Their larger gifts are always something that they have each specifically asked for as I don't want to get them something they don't want or need. I am more than fine with them drawing names among themselves and I'm not asking or expecting them to get us anything I just want the option to give gifts to my children. Sort of like when my parents, siblings, in-laws started drawing names, I still get my parents something even if I drew my brother or someone else. I just can't imagine not giving my parents a Christmas gift. Oh and for many years I have sponsored a child for Christmas.

We quit doing gifts years ago...except for the kids, of course. Adults can go out to buy their own stuff. Why torture yourself UNLESS that is your "joy". I would give from the heart BUT i also do not expect a return gift. I, frankly, enjoy the holidays much more, thanks to simplifying the celebration. Great food, the company of family and friends and participating in the worship services, which is the "reason for the season". I no longer identify with the mass histeria of shopping, mall hours, the rush, etc. Heck, i barely mail cards anymore since Facebook! Lol!

i DO. Like to walk the malls to enjoy the decorations and window shop the merchandise . I does get me in the spirit of shopping but I don't stand in the lines or shop the crazy hours. Too many years working in retail cures that propaganda! No credit card balances that suck the joy out of the holidays in months to come, either.

Yep, i am currently enjoying poking the Christmas aisles.

sandy

Gifts...I used to but it was one gift purchase, then I would find something I really wanted too....on and on.......I would be asked by kids what I wanted...nothing, I can buy it myself...my thinking there is if I have to tell you what to buy me...forget it....enough cynicism, my solution is all get gift cards...GDs..stores they shop in, DDs restaurant gift cards... The only gifts are to 3GGs....there I will go crazy!! A blessing to see them.......I have told DDs for me gift cards to places I shop for quilting stuff, if they want to....but really to see all their faces on Christmas Day is gift enough for me...and a prayer for their dad who is celebrating the Birthday with the One.

Gift-giving is fun. I cannot physically do the shopping or making of gifts now. I send each family a package of 'OMAHA' steaks or a basket from 'Harry & David'. That is one to each household. Now the grands are getting married and I am sending them a smaller package. If I don't get a Thank you, I will drop them from the list next year. This attidue is after 53 years of giving! It is what it is.

I have two DDs and their spouses and three grands. Not that many to buy for. I give each family a year's pass to the theme/ water park That is really appreciated. They can go to the park whenever they like as often as they like.

I think the gift giving is over rated among adults. My MIL used to give us little gifts and items. Nothing expensive but simple things. I hated it. I don't need a cute coffee cup, candle or household item. and really, if we needed something, we bought it for ourselves. Let them relax. If they want to quit exchanging, it's okay. Focus on family and togetherness.

We have done this for many years (drawn names). Now all the grandchildren are grown, so do we add them to the "drawing" or keep giving them stuff?? We were almost to the point of just giving cash or gift cards. We decided to rent a cabin in the mountains (we are in the desert) for the week of Christmas, which will be our gift to each other!! Of course I will still make little things (luggage tags, cord wranglers) but the stress relief is wonderful.

One year I gave each of my grown children and their spouses a quilt that I had made for them. Another year I made up photo albums for them filled with photos of us - their parents - from our wedding forward through to their pre-teen years. Last year, due to illness, I gave them each money and a small token gift - like a football team mug filled with candy. I don't discuss how many gifts, how much money or anything with them. If they ask me for ideas what we want, I give them a list of items at all price ranges and let the 3 of them work it out among themselves who buys what. I don't stress Christmas because I found out last year that life can interfere with the best made plans, i.e. breast cancer, and that just being with them is all the gift I need and want.

Our three daughters are very busy folks...kids careers,etc. This year they are getting frozen main dishes . I freeze them in my seal a meal thingy. They don't take time to cook,so this should help them out a little.

Granted, haven't read all the responses but here is our family's take. The adult (all 50+ at this point) draw names for each other. Dad, bless his heart, still gives to all of us with Ohama Steak gift baskets. Said siblings give to all the nieces & nephews with usually a $25 limit/child. With the name drawing it is usually for couples and ranges $25-50/couple.

DH & I stopped mutual gifting several years ago. Divert those same funds to dinners/travel/whatever. Works for us.

Gifting is a hot topic and the source of much stress. Some say you have to accept whatever a giver decides to give with grace. I hear so many comments about not seeing a gift on display in the recipient's home.

Christmas is also a stressful time for many.

I am a regifter. I do not feel that I must keep something because someone bought or made it for me.

My best Christmas gifting experience is a party I go to each year that has a great gift game. It is a group of friends who have known each other for over 30 years. Re gifting is encouraged and some items have been making the rounds for 10+ years.

I have teens and a 20 something. Please if you have to buy them something, buy them a gift card, then take them shopping and out for lunch. You cannot imagine the stress of taking grandma shopping so she can buy gifts for my kids. They do not want what she wants to buy. She wants to 'see the joy' in their faces on Christmas day, they are trying their best to put on a good face.

When the kids were younger we bought family passes to various places (museums, aquariums etc), they allowed for family activities year round.

Me, I do not need stuff. I do not want another mug, more bath salts, clothes in your style not mine. I do not want a kitchen gadget or sewing tool, unless I specifically tell you what I want. But if I specifically tell you what I want, do not buy a different brand, a 'better' version, I did research and know just what I need.

My mil wants lots of small things to open on Christmas Day. I would rather take the time and money that goes into shopping and wrapping and take her out for lunch, instead of giving her stuff.

Giving in some cultures is a way of creating a debt from the recipient to the giver. I think a lot of people feel the pressure debt and it is stronger if they have requested no gifts.

Me I have opted out of many expected gift exchanges. I would rather have an experience with someone, a walk, a cup of tea, share a meal, than buy a gift (as nice as it may be) just for the sake of giving a gift.

Our family is fairly large but we do all get together at one of our homes for all holidays. None of us wanted to give up gifts for Christmas but expense-wise it was getting more difficult to come up with nice gifts as prices kept rising.....so, this is how we handled it. My daughter and her husband celebrate Christmas morning with their two children and their spouses and spend whatever they please. Then in the early evening we ALL get together (that is, all those who don't live a thousand miles or further from here) and we exchange homemade gifts. Granted it took about 3 years to get everyone on board but now it's "creative heaven"!!! One of my daughter's went WAY outside her comfort level and drove 4 hrs. away to take a class on making Shaker boxes then came home and made us each 2 for Christmas. Another daughter and her husband made concrete planters for everyone. We've had cactus planted in adorable glass bowls, gourmet food items, fabric boxes, leather key fobs, and on and on. Have a lot going on right now but thinking about fancy pillowcases for the girls this year.

DH's kids just decided we would not do any adult gifts this year, just for the kids. I am midway in making duffle bags for the three girls. sigh. Guess I will surprise a few of my friends with a nice new duffle, though we don't exchange gifts either. My main complaint isn't about gifts or no gifts, it's that the decision was made so late in the year -- to my mind, mid-October is way too late to make decisions re: Christmas. But DH and his family seem to think all decisions can be made at the last minute and it's no sweat. I should be used to this after 13 years, but grrrrr!

gramma nancy, I would save those duffels for birthday presents!

We went to name drawing for the adults and give the grands small gifts. Then we have a custom from long ago they all loved. Someone reads "Night before Christmas," and pass the presents for that event around. On every "and" you pass the present--again. What you end up with on the last 'and' is what you keep. I think there are 23 'ands.' They love it--always have. Been doing that for 40 yrs. !! Mariah

I really think it is up to you if you give your kids gifts for xmas. If your kids want to draw names then let them. When my kids were small Christmas was the only time during the year that we splurged on them, because the rest of the year gifts weren't as forth coming because of limited income. We would save all year just for that one wonderful day. We continue to do the same today, even though the kids are grown with their own little ones. We enjoy it so much because they still get excited over Christmas. We don't expect our kids to do the same but they do expect us to keep up the tradition, complete with stockings lol...

Our family has increased quite a bit - 17 kids, grandkids, wives, husbands, and now 3 great grandchildren. They all make more money than we do. We've always bought all the food and done all the cooking, plus cash gifts or gift cards for adults & teens and presents for the little ones. I am worn out due to a sick husband and would like to STOP - except for the little ones. Can't get anyone else to agree, though. And, we sure don't need any gifts.