Elder lawyer
 

Was wondering if anyone on the board is an elder lawyer or has experience with elder law. I am currently in a situation that I may need some advice. This is not a route I relish in taking, but unfortunately it may be necessary. This is in regard to my Dad. pm if you have some knowledge Thank you

I am so sorry for whatever your situation is right now. Keep repeating, "this too shall pass" as you go through this experience. Do what you need to do as a loving, caring daughter so that your Dad is protected. Make decisions based on what you know today. Do what is right. Do the best that you can. Do not have regrets.

If you need an elder law attorney, in Texas, I would recommend one that specializes and has the notation, "board certified". It means that they have taken extra classes, tests and have extra time in court for that specialty. I'm sure there is something like that for every state. I hired one for a one hour consultation @ $350 an hour. It was well worth the money. He wanted $7,000 as a retainer to handle the issue I faced with Mom, but I couldn't afford that much. I found an attorney to work with who was in the process of earning her board certification in elder law and her fees were affordable. She knew what we needed, so we were able to resolve matters easily with her help.

Since I do not have direct knowledge, I didn't see the need to pm you on this. Good Luck!

Another option would be to contact your local agency on aging. They might be able to recommend someone or provide other assistance

The advice already given is good. We went through this with my Mom and MIL, but both had hospitalizations before they moved in with us, and the Drs told us they could no longer live alone in front of them. My mothers response was, as expected, "What do YOU know?" My MIL had a stroke that robbed her of much of her memories about where she lived, etc. and came to us willingly - sort of. With my mother, my siblings had been aware that she needed 24 hour supervision for awhile, but were reluctant to act on it. I live in another state and happened to be visiting when she was hospitalized. I am the 'It has to be done, so let's do it now' type, so after discussing the situation with my siblings, just told her she wasn't going back to her home because the DR said she couldn't live alone anymore. Of course, she objected - called me "The Warden" and told me it would be like being in prison, but I would not be bullied. To get herself out of the hospital, she came with us, then tried to make herself enough of a pain in the neck that we would throw her out. That didn't work and after a while she settled in as much as she could settle in.

The point is that it is difficult for both you and for your parent when the roles of caretaker and child are reversed. Many of us have been through it and understand what you are going through, so don't hesitate to confide in us.

I will say a prayer for you and your father.

I used an elder lawyer when my Mother went into and assisted living home and before my husband went into a nursing home. It was well worth the money - they have the insight on all the state laws that deal with Medicare, Medicaid, etc. Best of luck and I will be saying a prayer for you and your Father.

Mom and I used Elder Law in Illinois...it was expensive and I still am not sure it was worth the $10,000 it cost. She is now in Hospice care at 95 and is in assisted living with lots of care. She is very cunning and she expects me to sit by her 24/7. When I am not there she does whatever tricks she can to make me come. She falls out of bed (6" off the floor with heavy rubber mats on both sides of the bed)just as the nurse walks out of the room. She actually just sort of drops her legs off and hits the call button. I am basically a patient person but she is "pushing buttons". She once asked me why I was doing so much for her because she wouldn't have done it for me. I told her I knew that but we are just different people. I am her only living "child" so there is no one to share this burden. Thanks for listening.

To all going through this I offer up prayers. A somewhat similar situation here in the very near future so I appreciate the responses to this.

I'm at a loss to know why when we get old or have a stroke we lose our "be nice" features. But, it always happens. Just know that this isn't really how they would be if normal. I went thru this with Mother and now older Sister. She says I'm not her Sister. I just remember the fun we used to have together and know it really isn't how she would be if normal.

Sorry to hear that your mother put you through this, my children's father did the same with me. I stopped working to take care of him rather than send him to a care home. He made my life hell alot of times, but I was as stubborn as he was, cried by myself ,after he passed away, I still felt I had done the right thing by caring for him.
God bless you

To all of you who responded to Grace creates, thank you.

We are going through a similar situation here and your advice and stories add up to immense support for us.

Bless all of you and, again, thank you.

Pat

I think the "be nice" features are not so much lost but anger within themselves that they are now dependent on others. They strike out at the ones who are the closest/nearby. They often believe you're the culprit. Some of the meds don't help either.

Prayers from the Gulf! This is not going to be an easy journey but when you get weary, He will carry you til you get your strength back.

I dread the day when DH and/or I will be the ones that need the care.

I have a friend who is a nurse. We were discussing my FIL after he passed. He was normally a very sweet, gentle man, but in the last 2 years of his life he had become quite contrary and cranky. My nurse friend said this pattern was very common and the nursing community has a theory that dying people sometimes get cranky as a human mechanism to make it easier to let them go. You may think it strange, but somehow that comforts me.

Hang in there with your Mom, her tricks indicate that she is frightened, even if she doesn't tell you so. Love and cherish her as long as she lives, you will not regret it.

My parents worked with an elder care lawyer, and he was very good. That made things so much easier for them and for us as they got older. No family squabbles about money, no executor of their wills, etc. My in laws didn't see any need to spend the money, and the squabbling is horrendous. I think my parents were growing old gracefully, while the in laws went kicking and screaming. When it is my turn, I will work with an elder care attorney for the sake of my kids.

God bless you through these trying times. I was close to the point of needing such help myself before my folks passed away. As hard as it is, you will be glad you acted in your Dad's best interest.

As expensive as a lawyer might be, it is still cheaper than making costly mistakes. I learned this the hard way. BTW, for those suffering from rude or abusive elders, my 92 yo DF was moved into a Memory Care facility 2 weeks ago. He had become verbally abusive, and had even started to assault people. My sister and I decided he needed to be evaluated, and now he is on 3 medications for a previously undiagnosed mental health disorder. He is a new man! He speaks cheerfully, is appreciative of the work my sister and I have been doing for him, and he is no longer combative. He still had to go to a facility because he cannot live alone, but he is going on field trips, taking ballroom dancing, eating good meals, making friends, etc. he has expressed regret for his lifelong anger, but we are just happy to have a happier dad now. So if you have an out of control elder, please see a doctor, psychiatrist, or some other geriatric specialist so that your last memories of this person will be pleasant ones. I am so happy my DF has a good life now.

They are mad.....they are scared....they know that they are losing control of their life....their health....

Been there.....dont take it personally.

Sandy

To read this thread made me cry as I have just lost my DML that I took care of since 1999 along with her husband and my DH who passed 4 yrs ago. As hard as it was ,I went to bed each night, when I could, just knowing I did my very best each day and asking God for strength to do it again the next day. I was so tired when it was over but would do it again unselfully. With love. I hope I set an example for my children, but dread the day that might come. Hope you can get the legal advice you need, I am very bless to have an attorney friend that has helped me through many issues I could not have done without him. I will pray for you. palmetto girl

Thank you all for your response but I am really not having such a difficult time with my Dad, he is a kind person and fairly happy. Yes he needs lots of care but there may be some other legal issues that arise.

Contact your local / state Bar Association - since the recession, a lot of attorneys don't have the business they used to have. They set a fixed fee for services - the bar association gets a small percentage - everyone is happy. They should be able to recommend several attorneys in your area who charge reasonable fees. My daughter did this in NYC and was able to hire a divorce attorney for a very reasonable fee.

I too am dealing with the issues of caring for my 92 yr mother. However, she was very deligent before the dementia progressed. She has a living will, appointed a POA representative (me) and had all her finances in order. It has been challenging at times but nothing we can't handle without an attorney. It has been a wake up call for me to have everything in order and have discussions with my only child about my wishes when I can't do it for myself. Right now I'm trying to pre-plan her funeral. That is definitely not pleasant but necessary.

I would suggest talking to the Agency on Aging. Sometimes they have lawyers on staff.

Here in California or at least in my neck of the woods when you join a senior center and are over 65 you can get free legal advice by volunteer lawyers or paralegals. I took my mom in when she needed legal advice and we were very happy with the results.
Not knowing your situation I don't know if the legal advice you need is for your dad or you with regards to your dad. My mom gave me power of attorney before her health started to fail so that made things easier for the family and there was never a need for an attorney after that.
I wish you all the best in this.

My parents had made a will years ago. Their estate is in really good order. About 1 year ago we took them to an elder lawyer to check out their affairs. The lawyer made several good suggestions. SHe was worth the money. CHeck with your local council on aging of another aging agency and ask them for recommendations.

You also might call Legal Aid, if there is one in your area. Or call 211 if you have it and they can often direct you to resources.

Good luck. My dad had a stroke last year and it has been a long road. He is frustrated by what he can't do physically, although his mind is as sharp as ever. My mom and he are living in their own home and doing ok, but I know someday it will be too much for my mother and then we will have to make some decisions that won't be fun and definitely won't be welcome by my parents. I am one of 7 and I thank God every day that I have so many siblings to share the burden and decisions with, and know that it will be somewhat easier later just because of our sheer number.

I hope when and if it happens to me, I will be graceful about becoming more dependent. It's a stage of life, same as any other. It means you lived longer than most and I hope I can be grateful for that and not bitter for what I lose as I age. I hope.