Too funny!

I was a Safety coordinator for my last job and we had a company come in to work on the roof. They would not wear fall protection. So I took a piece of chalk up to the roof and handed to one guy and asked him if he and another person could go down on the pavement and do a chalk outline of his body. He looked at me in confusion and I explained that I would be to busy calling the ambulance to do it when he fell off the roof. Never had a problem with that company after that.

I was always very very bad in math... and go figure... my son was always very very good in math (and with computers)... the first computer we bought (he was six) the clerk stopped talking to me (as I was like a deer in headlights) and continued the conversation with my six year old son as he was nodding and asking the clerk questions... so one day when he was in middle school and I was subbing in his class (OMG... they were doing a math assignment) a student asked sweetly "could you help me with this problem" my son recognizing the "deer in headlights" said "hey, yeah Mom... help (name) with her math" and he grinned... trying to avoid being embarrassed I asked the girl "what do you usually do when you cant figure out a problem" ... she said "(my son's name) helps us"... he was all smiles and giggles.

That is hilarious!

when my grandson was four yeas old his mother was very
upsept with him and scolding him. She said frankly you....
that is as far as she got. He said my name is Zack not
FRankly.

I picked up my granddaughter from school one day and she was talking about learning about "wants & needs" so I asked her for some examples. She says... I may want a juice but I need water, or I may want candy but I need a piece of fruit, I may want makeup but at your age you need makeup. Darn near wrote her out of my will on that one!

Several years ago when I lived alone, I went to visit my sister, 22 miles from home. As we were playing cards, her cell phone rang. She looked at it, and whispered "It's coming from your home phone!". She answered, and being the loyal sister she is, she yelled into the phone "I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU BETTER GET OUT OF MY SISTER'S HOUSE RIGHT NOW! I'M CALLING THE POLICE!" after several seconds she heard "meow?". I had left my cordless phone on the bed, buttons up, and my cat Bruno, had stepped on the redial button! We had to drop everything, and drive to my house to hang up the phone. (My sister was a long distance call from my house!) That call cost me almost $10! Needless to say, I never left the phone of the charger again! :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

too funny !!

LOVE IT!

One time my DH phoned that he had car trouble and would I come tow his van home. It was about 15 miles from home. I very carefully positioned my van in front of his and he hooked on a chain. Then he told me to start off very gentle and drive smoothly so that the chain didn't jerk. OK, I do exactly that. I am driving along (by the way, it is dark) very smoothly and I'm thinking that we are going so smooth that it is like there is nothing back there. I am about half way home. Sure enough there is nothing back there! I quicky turn around and go back and DH is sitting in his van with a very black look on his face. I am about to die laughing. He attaches the chain again and we make it home with no problems. Several weeks later I asked him what was wrong with the van. He very reluctantly told me it was out of gas. I can still pass that place on the road and just bust out laughing!I am really surprised that he told me he was out of gas. You know....Mr Effecient!!!

Charisma as traumatic as your experiences were it's great that you can look back and laugh about it now....you are laughing right?
Long time ago, I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work one evening. Before I got out of the car I retouched my lipstick,(never know who you may run into in the produce dept.) I used a lipliner as lipstick because it stayed on my lips longer. In the store I go about my shopping feeling real good about myself because I am getting lots of looks. You know how it is when you are feeling good about yourself, your extra friendly, happy and you have a certain self confidence in your walk. I didn't want to leave the store so I took my time getting the things I needed. Finally I left, singing all the way home in my car. When I got home, looked in the mirror and started laughing so hard I cried. Instead of using what i thought was my lip pencil in the dark
car, I used my
dark blue eye liner pencil, no wonder I was getting the looks. That was over 20 years ago, you think it was me that started the trend?

Mr Effecient!!! LOVE IT...out of gas...ROFLMBO !!!!!!

This happened years ago, when I was a teenager. We had a lamp that you could turn on by flipping the light switch on the wall. My brother was walking by and my mom asked him to flip off the light. So he did. With his middle finger.

What blew me away was that she laughed! I was positive that if I had flipped off the light, I would have gotten in trouble....

Good laughs!!!!!!!

At least u were not like the granny in the joke who carjacked some kids,when she got in the wrong car lol.

roflmbo. Oh my. I think you made those mens days lol.

Here's one that my in-laws like to tell...

When my husband, Wade, was a very small boy, maybe 4 years old, he was given a carpenter's set of tools for Christmas. This was back in 1970 or so, and the tools were real. Everyone was laughing and talking and visiting, until my MIL thought she heard a weird noise. She shushed everyone, but the noise had stopped, so they went back to their conversations. After a bit, the weird noise started again, and she shushed everyone again, but the noise stopped before they could figure out what it was. This happened a couple more times. Then, all at once, to EVERYONE'S surprise, the Christmas tree suddenly fell over! Sitting in the corner behind the tree with his carpenter's saw in hand was Wade. He had sawed the tree down.

What else would you expect a boy to do with his brand-new saw???

Once I took my grandson to Jo-Anns I needed thread he was about 8 he asked me what color? I said I'm looking for invisible thread he looked at me like I was crazy!

I can just see that.
Kids have such a different thought process at that age.

Thanks everyone I really enjoyed your stories.

This past week while vacationing on the coast, I said to my DH, "If I go too far out in the water what would you do? His response...."I'd swim out and get you." I then replied, "Awe, you would?". He said "of course, you have the keys to the house in your pocket". I should have elbowed him but I laughed instead. The payback? He took me to the awesome Maine quilt show on Friday, it was fabulous and worth it.

During my high school years my mother and I were chatting and she said something that could have been taken a tiny bit off color...(back in the 50's we didn't hear much of that sort of stuff) and I said something back that might have implied that I had taken it the "wrong way", so she told me to "get your mind out of the gutter".

Out of nowhere came my response, "I'm trying, Mom, but the walls are so slippery I keep sliding back down!"

:shock: We both had a great laugh.

Oh my! That one hit my funny bone. LOL

:lol:

This isn't about me but I witnessed it. My best friend, Noreen, was getting married for the 4th time to Neal. Noreen was so nervous that her son had to practicaly drag her down the aisle. Then during the ceremony she says "I have to go PEE". This was just like her, funny. She is with the Lord now and I miss her deeply.

In the mid-fifties when my son was about four, somebody gave my son a playskool tool set. The saw was just a sort of punched out piece of sawtoothed iron. One day, I came into my living room and the neighbor's little boy who was also four, was sawing away on the wooden arm of my upholstered straight chair and had very nearly sawed through it.
The sight was so funny I just laughed and laughed!
I didn't have the heart to scold him.... It was a hand-me-down chair anyway.... I took that and the other arm off and re-upholstered it so it made a slipper chair for the bedroom, and I went to a Pennys store and bought another upholstered straight chair for $ 15!
Those were the days....indeed! LOL!!

About 15 years ago and my african gray parrot was about two years old, I moved into an apartment with an electric stove. I had been used to a gas stove and cooking with electric burners was a challenge for me. I was constantly burning things and setting off the smoke alarm.

Pooperbird (the parrot) associated my cooking with the smoke alarm. For weeks, when I started cooking and until the meal was served, Poop would imitate the smoke alarm.

In the late 1970s we were remodeling our bathroom. DH bought a faucet and put it in the sink. What he forgot was that the faucet came with a little red plastic record with boring instructions how to put in the faucet. DS and his buddy were caught sitting in the bathroom with the vanity door open with his record player, that record and all kinds of tools. Two 5 year olds were playing the little red record over and over and over. DH found them and destroyed the record and told them they better not even think about using any kind of tools in any bathroom anyplace. "But Dad, we were just trying to help." Was the lame excuse. I have often wondered what they were really thinking about 'helping' since the sink was already in. What kind of disaster was about to happen? I'm sure glad he was never around when I was taking apart a sewing machine. OOPS actually one of his friends was around once - disaster.

I remeber making cookies for the first time for my DH. As I handed him the plate of slightly over cooked cookies, (oven temperature was off not right) He looked me in the eye and said, "Gee you treat me like a Greek God, you serve me burnt offerings!" mumble... mumble... mumble. :oops:

This one came from my 83 year old grandfather, which cracked me up because he is a very sweet but VERY proper gentleman. In my entire life, I have NEVER heard him swear or tell any off-color jokes of any kind.

I was asking my grandmother what life was like when they were young, and she was telling me all kinds of fascinating things. I finally had the courage to ask her what people used for birth control back in the days before The Pill. She started to tell me about condoms and the rhythm method when my grandfather piped up and said "We took something called Noassitol!" (no-ass-at-all)....

I fell on the floor laughing. My poor grandmother could do nothing but sputter and throw her apron at him.

Oh my gosh, this is so hilarious. I am laughing out loud at you & how dumb you must have felt.

It's better than the dumb thing I did today that's going to land me a tkt. I drove to Tacoma across the Narrows bridge which is a toll bridge. I was so involved watching traffic & heaven knows where my mind was that I was in the wrong lane. Didn't realize I had missed the toll booths til I was in the middle of the bridge. I was so confused I wondered what happened to the booths. They take pix of cars that don't have the pass on their window so I really felt stupid. And a lot poorer I'm sure when I get a tkt. in the mail.

I was out shopping once with my ex and we had each gone to different areas of the store. I went looking for him and walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his back and said I love you, do you want to go home and fool around? The guy starts laughing and said ok but I don't think my wife would like it. What can I say he looked like my ex husband from behind...lol

Robyn

My son was a freshman in high school and on the football team. It was very early in the season and our whole family went to pick him up from practice to go have dinner. My son gets in the car very excited. I asked him what was up. He said that he loved high school. He said he was becoming popular and making lots of friends, that he had just got put on the JV team, then he paused for a moment and the said... and I'm dead sexy.

Robyn

Hi luv! You are so pretty! These two stories are very funny!
Jeannie

The blue mashed potatoes....
When we were kids and were being taught to cook, one day my mom told my brother, who was a throwback to a viking, to make mashed potatoes for supper. So he grumpily, peeled, boiled and mashed a big bowl of potatoes and then added a half bottle of blue food coloring to them and mixed well.
They turned a beautiful shade of bright blue! He hid them until we had all sat down, and then brought them out and put them on the table. Nobody said anything! My Dad stared fixedly at them for a few minutes, and then put some on his plate and added butter from our Jersey cow. The potatoes promptly turned a wierd shade of swamp green.
My father who was a kindly dutch patriarch, stood up and said: "Kids I promised you that I would eat anything you cooked no matter how burnt it is, but I just can't eat these!" I said, "But Dad, if you close your eyes they taste just like potatoes should." My dad said: "If I close my eyes I can still see them!"
I suspect the pigs got an extra treat that night....

Yup, been ther, literally. Urgent need, ran into the restroom and into a stall. Noticed that the feet in the stall next to me were FACING the toilet. "That's odd," I thought. Duh! Came out of the stall to find three 11-12 yr old boys who looked like they were trying to decide whether or not to call security. "Oops!" I said and left. Not my finest moment but funny later.

Oh, I just thought of another one:
When I got married (30 years ago this October)I didn't know how to cook, thankfully I learned and had a most understanding husband.
So one day I decided I was going to make some bread, thinking, how hard can it be, right?
I forget what I did wrong, but early on in the process I decided to scrarp the whole thing. I dug a hole, shallow, out back and buried mye dough. Oh I just remembered, it wouldn't rise like I thought it should.
So my husband comes home from work, and wasn't any wiser, things looked normal. Then, for some reason, he had to go out back. He came back in, and being a city boy (married to a country girl)and told me I had to come look, there was a kind of fungus he had never seen before out back under the spruce tree. At least he called it spruce rather than pine, he was learning.
I went out back with him and couldn't believe what I saw. The bread dough rose up out of the ground! It did look sort of like the fungus that grows back there. A city boy married to a country girl that can't cook! But that man knew the difference between pine and spruce!

Shopping with my son one day some years ago and becoming conscious of recycling... I asked him to please go get a package of recycled toilet paper... he squenched up his face and was aghast and said "NO WAY!" .... after I stopped laughing it became one of those perfect teachable moments.

On a shopping excursion with my family (husband and 2 children), we were ready to eat and trying to decide where. Each person always has a vote on where to go.... majority wins. My daughter (age 8) piped in and said "I want to go to 'Shake and Bake'." Our immediate reaction.... huh????? It took us a few minutes, but we figured out she meant "Steak and Shake" which had just recently opened up in our area. We still tease her about going to "Shake and Bake". ;-)