Christmas To My Female Friends

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I 'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me
The matron-est of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

Thanks! I would be willing to give it a try! How soon could you get here? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Can I get in line?

If I ever find a way to get my own parts back into their old neighborhood (doesn't even have to be where they used to reside---just somewhere in the same vicinity) I'll let you in on the secret.

:lol: :lol: :lol: I love it! Could Santa help me type better too?

I guess I should have put a better warning for the men.
Something like: "DO NOT print this out and put it in a card for you wife. Doing so could cause grave bodily injury and/or death."

LOL thanks for the big grin..... oh no will cause those lines, but rather have them from laughing, than grouching:)

:D:D:D

Love it, Sign me up, please.

Made me laugh and cry!

Love it! Very clever and a Merry Christmas to you!

Love it too! You can sign me up also. Merry Christmas and all the best in 2011.

That is tooo cute..
Merry Christmas

cute

When did I get old and most of this pertain to me?? Oh well merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!