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Originally Posted by Chasing Hawk
Mouse traps in your stash area comes to mind. Just remember that they are there before you stick your hands in there.
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Originally Posted by Lacelady
Since diplomacy doesn't seem to be working, do you have a place where you could put a lot of your stash (stuff that you absolutely want to keep for yourself and not have to fight for it). Leave what you are prepared to share where it has always been.
If she comments that suddenly you don't have so much, you don't have to reply to that, just change the subject. |
I have two people that come to mind, on my side of the family, my Aunt Ladonna and on my DH's side of the family his sister Carole. I try to be nice, but I also can use the word NO!!!! Don't let her take advantage of you(I know easier said than done, but you'll feel sooooo much better when doing it). I hope that this won't be an ongoing problem for you.
On another note, what part of Florida are you going to move to??? I'm in Lakeland(the middle of the state between Tampa and Orlando.) My DH is originally from Lancaster, PA. |
I went on Craigslist and found fabric for really cheap. I am sure a thrift store would have scraps as well. When my friends come over to quilt, I pull out all my scraps and the craigslist fabric and let them use them to their heart's content. This way, I am not invested in the fabric (which I am in most of my stash).
I don't let my friends down in my spare bedroom to pick fabric from my stash because I'd just have to say NO too many times and I would probably come off looking like a greedy witch who didn't want to share, even though all the fabric is mine, purchased with my money. To me, it is like someone seeing your pantry and expecting that you give them food because you have more than they do... but you don't get to tell them not to take all the "good" stuff. Of course, they are going to gravitate toward the yummy food, just like quilters gravitate toward the beautiful, expensive fabrics! I agree that separating your stash and pulling out what she can use is a good solution. You can tell her that you have projects planned for most of your stash and don't want to have to replace fabric when you do the projects because they were used in other projects. |
When she picks out something just tell her firmly, I sorry you can't have that I have plans for it !!! And also tell her it's no problem to pack your stash to move!!
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explanations are not necessary. it's your stuff.
just say no. period. end of conversation. |
But out a basket or something that says "to give away"...another that says "for me only" and use your name!
People amaze me..... |
oops...posted twice and deleted
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Humm, sounds like she needs some lessons in the politeness area. Sounds very rude to me!
Tell her to look at goodwill and such for fabrics and you can assist her in making a quilt from HER stash. |
I have to agree with Patrice. If she comes over again smile sweetly and tell her right away that you think she may be under a misconception (what we have here is a failure to communicate!) and that you want to clear things up. The fabrics that you have are your stash, they're the things you bought to make things with, and you intend to keep them. However you'll be glad to go with her to a quilt shop (or wherever) and help her select fabrics that SHE can purchase for HER stash. Don't offer to share anything with her, because that will just prolong the problem.
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put a lock on your sewing room door or just put whatever material you are tired or or really don't care for or have no plans for into a box and tell her those are her choices PERIOD.
In my family it was my brother and sister who spent money like water and kept telling me that my husband and I were the "rich" ones of the family. We weren't rich, we just knew how to save and not spend what we didn't have. There just is no excuse for being rude.....even if it is family. |
That is too bad you are having to deal with this. I am very "stingy" with my fabric stash and would have a hard time with someone pawing through it. I hope you get this solved with her soon.
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I haven't finished reading all the replies, but here is my idea:
After you tell her that you can't spare any of your stash, because you have plans for the fabric, give her tips for obtaining fabric at bargain prices. Old clothes, garage sales, thrift stores and the like are some suggestions. I bought some flat sheets on clearance when Mervyn's went out of business, and they are great for quilt backing. I am on a rather tight budget myself, and I don't getting my fabric second hand. |
Originally Posted by melslove
I would taking her to pick out her own fabric, no touchy my stashy!
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Some people have no manners. That being said, when it comes to my fabric, I am very territorial! IT'S MINE! I PAID FOR IT! I would tell her that you are taking it all to Florida with you and you are going to pack your dishes and breakables in it. You will send her anything you don't need after you get there.
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I would agree with her. Say yes I'm very lucky. DH and I are rich and I like to buy nice things for myself. Say I know I'd be very sad if I was poor but thank goodness I'm not. Tell her you didn't buy the expensive fabric to give away but to have for yourself.
Keep agreeing with her poor me, lucky you whining. Let her know that yes she is poor me and yes you are lucky you. |
I don't think you should go out of your way to hide your fabric or take her shopping. It is one thing to invite her over to help her sew and use your machine. You should not have to provide the fabric. If she mentions taking your fabric, just laugh and say oh, I don't think so. You don't need to explain. Sometimes if say something with a laugh or a smile you can get away with more. I do understand about trying to get along with in-laws but apparently your DDIL knows what she is like. Just try to keep it light, like it is the funniest idea you have ever heard. Good luck.:)
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I would just say no too. Just tell her you have plans for it, thats why you bought it. That isnt rude, just a nice way to say, NO!!!!!!!!!
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why are we (women especially) always concerned with being "nice" to people when they are NOT nice people to begin with? We want everyone to like us, no matter what the cost. I have to fight against this too - it is not my job to make the rest of the world happy.
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I'm a redhead with a temper. I tell people that they get 3 warnings (the extent of my temper control) and that is it. After I have told someone "no" for the third time all bets are off. I will NOT be nice anymore. I too, like to keep peace but enough is enough. The last of my in-laws found that out last Dec.
My siblings already know better (4 of whom are also redheads) and they have been smart enough to warn their spouses and adult children. |
Right after I bought the "closing" of my brothers fabric store ( with Unemployment money) I was out to lunch with a girlfriend from where I had worked. I was talking about being busy looking for job and sorting the fabric. She remarked very fast with a big smile. "You are going to share about half of that material with your Best friend?" I smiled back just as big and said, "NO! that is not going to work for me." and changed the subject. Guess who got stuck with the bill? Seems she had accidently left her wallet on her desk but she did have a couple dollars for tip.... Glad we had sandwiches at a diner....Haven't been to lunch with her since..
I to have family that does not hear NO.. Actually saying "NO, That does not work for me." and then sometimes adding "_______ would work better" shows that you are flexable but no is no. If is really outrageous I giggle hysterically and then tell them sarcastically "yeah, right! UH HUH! NOT HAPPENING." all with a smile. |
I am so sorry you had to deal with that.. Maybe , if she still thinks she wants to sew, set apart ONLY the fabric you do not want, or will not use.. that is what she can choose from, nothing else? I just can't understand that type of mentality, no matter where , or how someone is raised.. I grew up in a family, where dad was in the military, a brother, one year older than I , as a kid, was dying of brain cancer for the 6 years between 6 and 12 years old. Craig was in the hospital pretty near the whole time.. no money for extras, sometimes no money for food, or clothing for us for new school year. HOWEVER, you can bet my mom never griped, or fussed about being poor. We didn't have much, thats a given, but we had love enough to deal with the situation with my brother, and we did it well until he passed away the day after Christmas.. Does that make me ungrateful or selfish that I didn't have a gift that year? no, made me thankful I did, the next year, and the next.. That is why I try to PIF to those in need, or when I have need of a smile myself.. and you gals, and guys bless me with your smiles, and loving hearts, thank you..
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I would go through my stash and pull out some fabric that I don't care for anymore. I would send it home with her to use. The rest is yours and not common property. No more explanation is necessary.
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Originally Posted by clem55
Been there!! Hubby's family. It would almost make me sick the way they took advantage of him" because he had such a good job" , and "Carol doesn't have to work, or Carol has so much ' Well, Carol did without a lot of things, and Carol was pretty good at making something nice from something old. I still find it very hard to say no to anyone, probably always will , and probably will always be taken advantaqge of, but, I'd rather be the way I am, than be the taker!
Maybe because we both worked, did without a lot of things to have a nice home and pay for it. I cooked many meals at home while they were eating out. They didn't know when we had money problems because we didn't tell everybody and whine and moan like they did. I have shared with them but seems like every time I did, they took advantage. No more, and if that makes me a bad person, so be it, but I'm nobodys fool. You have to stand up for yourself. You bought your stash, you should be the one to use it. Enjoy!!! |
Maybe you can tell her that you will make her a going away box and will give it to her when you move. If she requests specific fabrics just smile and say, "oh the box will be Full of surprises!" You can give her fabrics you no longer want, and scraps, and a scrappy pattern (printed from the internet), and tie is all up with a big bow. This will set a good example, help your DIL save face, and make her proud of you too! Everyone will win. :-)
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I think the ideas about going thru ur stash, bagging up stuff u really don't care for is a good idea. Keep it handy in case she asks for ur fabric agin, u can retrieve it and say u picked it out just for her. Ur real stash is already assigned to future projects. She will probalaly never get anything started anyway... moochers usually like things done for them and piecing takes time and effort. No way would she actually quilt something lol. This would mean alot to ur DIL too. If this does not work, SHOVE the woman out of ur sewing room!!!!!
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Introduce her to JoAnne's sale coupons so she can live like the rest of us and invest in her hobby. And don't let her in your sewing room!
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I would have an area where I left scrap or pieces where I really wondered what I was thinking when I bought that piece. Somehow I always have these.
The stuff I didn't want her into I would put in my closet or somewhere that it wasn't available to a snoop. bless you for putting up with this for harmony's sake. |
Originally Posted by oatw13
We have one of those people, too.
Aside from being firm and blunt (this person thinks "rude"), the one thing that worked for me was to tell them I would gladly sell them whatever it is they wanted. So, next time she wants your fabric, offer to sell it to her at a reasonable price. I guarantee you, she won't want it anymore. If you do this several times, she will quit asking and look elsewhere for her "free ride." Don't let her get you down. Most people aren't like that. Good idea, and I bet the woman is a LOT richer than you. She doesn't spend HER money she uses everyone else's money! |
You say your DIL knows how she is and apologizes for her.
I would lock the door to my stash. Publish a price list and give it to her . CASH ONLY! Sorry, this woman would not be in my home under any circumstances. I do not and will not tolerate rude people in my home. I worked very hard for everything I have because I do live nice things I have made numerous sacrifice to get the things I have. I support several charities, but greedy selfish relatives are not among them. If I see a true need, I offer assistance. Otherwise, it is my money, I worked for it, and I will use it as I please. I found that being poor is like a lot of other things in life. It is a relative term and not only refers to money -- in this case it applies to manners. Talk to you DIL, she may be wondering why you put up with this behavior. |
When she comes over , and wants to go through your stash just say not today. I really don't feel like it. I had a hectic work week and am not in the mood to go in there and go through my stash with you. Period. Also when she starts ragging about how poor she is. Say do you eat every day and have a roof over your head. Then you are rich. End of subject. If she stares at you walk away .
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Originally Posted by Lacelady
Since diplomacy doesn't seem to be working, do you have a place where you could put a lot of your stash (stuff that you absolutely want to keep for yourself and not have to fight for it). Leave what you are prepared to share where it has always been.
If she comments that suddenly you don't have so much, you don't have to reply to that, just change the subject. |
Been there as well. Show her what she can choose from and if she doesn't like it, well then tell her where she can go and purchase what she likes. Those of us who have been there have worked Twice as hard to get back up. There is no excuse for rudeness.
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I said before - this woman is being exceedingly rude because you LET HER DO IT.
It's YOUR STUFF - you do NOT have to apologize to her because she doesn't have YOUR STUFF - it's YOUR STUFF It's YOUR HOUSE, YOUR STUFF, where does she get off rummaging through YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR STUFF.... doh |
Originally Posted by Rebecca VLQ
Originally Posted by CoyoteQuilts
I'd probably tell her I am rich because I am greedy and won't share! Like a little kid, 'IT'S MINE!'
This made me laugh. |
Originally Posted by sewTinker
Maybe you can tell her that you will make her a going away box and will give it to her when you move. If she requests specific fabrics just smile and say, "oh the box will be Full of surprises!" You can give her fabrics you no longer want, and scraps, and a scrappy pattern (printed from the internet), and tie is all up with a big bow. This will set a good example, help your DIL save face, and make her proud of you too! Everyone will win. :-)
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Originally Posted by joan_quilts
Ok, I will try to explain the best that I can what I mean by the mooching person.
My son is married to a wonderful girl. Her mom is 55, 10 years older than me, and grew up poor in a large family. Her dad died when she was little, so the older kids helped out with the younger kids. We live in a very rural area and everyone is somehow related to each other, etc. I am NOT from here so I have had to adapt to the way people are here. Still haven't but I have tried! LOL Anyways, Evelyn, the mooch, is always telling me how priveledged I am, and how many wonderful things I have, and I must be "rich" and I have no clue what it is like to be poor. Ok, dh and I have worked hard for what we have! NOBODY gave us anything! We do have a nice home, nothing fancy, but nice and we own 2 descent vehichles. That does not make me rich or not understand about money! I have been poor, a few times, and therefore by the grace of God, things got better. Anyways, she came over to make a baby quilt for her grandson. Ok, I can be kind and share what I have since she is sooooo poor. This woman saves used wrapping paper and eats mayonaise that expired a year ago! She is not poor now, but she thinks she is. Well, she goes through my stash the other day, which ticked me off because she acts like it is hers. Then she says that I won't be needing all my fabric since dh and I are planning on moving to Florida next year. She could just use my stuff and help me out! HUH?! I can get along with this woman for the sake of keeping peace in the family but she drives me nuts! She and her husband are a bit odd, but I try so hard to keep my mouth shut because I don't want my dil to feel bad. She knows how her mom is and always appologizes for her. I told her not to worry. I am not going to just let her come to my home and help herself to what is mine. Being tactful doesn't work with this woman and I am going to have to be firm. Maybe I will put out a donation jar! LOL I tried explaining to her some of my fabric was expensive and I am saving it for my own use. She just stares at me like "so"? Any ideas? |
Try explaining to her that it didn't all fall on you in one day, and that you have a purpose for it all, if not only for packing material when you move!! Maybe try taking her the LQS and she'll get a grip on the cost. Or try just making your sewing room off limits!! Easier said that done, though.
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Yes, it is OK to repay rudeness in kind. Your son married into her family, not you! Just SAY NO!!!
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Sounds like my SIL. She and her husband, my BIL, both quit school and have no education and have never had a decent job. My DH has a college education which he got through the GI Bill. Every time we get together she is always talking about how "rich" we are. We are a long way from that but we do get by.
No one can take advantage of you it you don't let them. I would be very firm and tell her what she can or cannot have. If she gets mad, so be it. She'll get over it. As long as she thinks she can get what she wants from you she will continue. Hang in there and be firm. |
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