Please help me out..... an empty-nester
 

O.k., you wonderful ladies have helped me in the past, so here goes! I am having an "age" issue crisis: I am turning 53 years old on tuesday, my mom is 77 years old and ailing all of a sudden, my hips/back is a hot mess to the point that I can't do a lot of things anymore and my daughter is only 15 years old (but, the best kid on the face of the earth!). I am having trouble dealing with my head feeling much younger than my body. And my mom was so "young-like" and spirited just yesterday it seems. My daugther is the best, and still thinks I great even at 15 years old! I am freaking out about being an empty-nester in just 2 years...... I need some positive guidance, ladies.....:) Margoee

How do you know you'll be an empty nester in two years? Just because she's going to be 18 doesn't mean she's leaving the house. Ask me how I know!!! To address the issue of a healthy body, what are you doing to get in shape? Do you exercise as much as you can? When I turned 40 everything seemed to go downhill fast but at 61 I feel really great. I think having a mind that feels young is half the key and not knowing your medical problems I can't offer advice on that. Just do what you can every day and try to take care of yourself as best you can. We're all aging or we're dead!

No experience to help you here, but I would say that I am sure you can adapt to whatever happens - it may take some time, but I am sure you will get there.

And a lot can happen in 2 years. Including your daughter deciding that she needs to stay at home for a while longer due to various different circumstances (many of them involving money - or the lack thereof - but all with the upside for you of her being around for longer!). Or if she is not at home, then nearby. You sound close, so it may be that *she* won't want to zip off across the country.

Thanks, Panchita...I am sure I will adapt....always do :)

Hey,athomenow.....no, i am not dead, gee thanks, I feel better now.

Think of it this way, if in 2-3 years you daughter does move out whether it's to college or her own place it is a sign of a job well done. You have raised someone that is independant and confident in her abilities to make it.

My suggestion is to focus on today, thinking about the man with no feet .... You are so fortunate to have a wonderful 15-year-old and a mother who is still with you. Two years is a long ways off .....

First off here is a big soft gentle hug. Now as far as your mind thinking you are younger than your body-I suspect everyone feels like that. My body is in worse shape than my 86 yr old dad's body is. And he has arthritis very badly. The point is just do what you can to keep your body in as good of a shape as is possible. Next is make sure you have a life besides that of your childs. After all the goal of being a successful parent is that we give our children wings to fly on their own. I worked hard to develope my own life before my children left home. It worked for a while, unfortunately I hadn't figured in becoming very ill and disabled. There are alot of days I feel sorry for myself, when that happens I try to remember how great my adult children have turned out. I also try to accept my dad's deteriorating health (alsheimers). It is just part of being fortunate enough to live longer, unfortunately our bodies/minds can wear out. I try hard to be involved in a couple of quilting groups, and try to do things for those less fortunate than myself. Making things for kids who are ill, or in bad homelife situations helps me more emotionally than almost anything else.
Just try not to focus on your wonderful daughter growing up and leaving home. You are raising a truely amazing young woman, give her wings or she will feel guilty over growing up. Don't give up when things seem bad, come here and post a few positive things and you will be amazed how much better you feel.

Kat

Do you have a Wii? If not, a Wii with the balance board and Wii Fit Plus disc can help a lot -- both physically and mentally. It's also something your daughter can enjoy. Start working on your physical state, and your emotional state will improve also.

hugs would it help your back if you whent to a chiropractor/ massage therpest? i know that has helped my husband enormusly he isent to old but he has a back injury and regular massage is realy making a big difference for him.

Health issues are always difficult and change is never easy but I wonder how many people find things harder to deal with this time of year. The days are short and frequently grey. I realize living in WI you don't have many chances to get exercise or to get outside but both might help you. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down, my thoughts are with you.

I experienced a similar life experience and I offer this wisdom.

I had arthritis of the lower spine with bone spurs in my hips. But I put off and put off seeing an orthopedic surgeon until I was in such pain that my daily life was seriously affected and I was on narcotic pain pills every day.

Finally, years late, I was scheduled for total hip replacement which I had this past November. In less than four weeks I was virtually pain free in that hip, a miracle. That improved my spirits so much that I am starting a new little part-time job, and that will improve my income a little for play funds.

Sometimes when you don't feel good you don't even realize how much that is affecting every part of your mood and life. Go see a doctor. Get a plan for solving some of the issues. Then decide what you want to do, can do, will allow to be done, to help.

Your mother's body is not your body; you have her genes not her whole body/persona. How you handle your problems is and will be different than how she deals with hers. Handle the physical parts of your life that require professional help and then get on to dealing with attitude and spirit.

Best to you in this endeavor.

Jan in VA

As the mom of 6 with only 1 kids still at home, I can tell you that they never really leave. They just come back and bring more people with them like significant others and then later grandkids. Our family has grown from 8 to 24 in just 14 years. Enjoy the time you have with her now.

Focus on today one day at a time, I know how you feel I'm turning 49 but my body today feels like I'm 69. It's very cold here today so my shoulder hurts, my hips, my back, my legs. The one thing that keeps me going is aqua fitness classes as it's too much for my body to handle in Zumba or other classes that I'd love to do, and right after swimming there's a big hot tub that's all I'm focused on this weekend, Monday I will be in a hot tub at some point lol
Try just going for a walk around the neighborhood with your daughter, don't push your body to do more than it can do you don't want to risk a serious injury. My daughter's didn't leave home until late in their teens to go to university, they know there's an open door policy here at the house they can come and go as they please and they do. What things does your daughter like to do that you can do with her? My mother who is turning 69 just started doing yoga classes and tai chi. Best advice I can give you is just take things one day at a time, enjoy today because we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Get a puppy. Everyone needs young life around them to feel alive.

Thanks so much for all the hugs and words of encouragment, ladies. I must learn to take one day at a time and enjoy the fact that my mom is stlll with us and that my daughter is amazing.....
I plan on calling a doctor this month to get the ball rolling. I know the doc will want me to lose some weight if I need a hip replacement, so that will take some time. And I want to wait until my daughter is driving so she can get to school and her other activities....she'll be able to take her driver's test mid summer!
Thanks again....especially for the hugs and prayers.

Empty nester
 

Well, I've been there done that and just about the time I figured out that it was a pretty dang good thing I moved my Mom in. Then about 6 months later I moved her brother (my uncle) in too. Both of them had houses that needed more work really than $$$ available. There were other reasons too, but the best solution for them was to move in with us.

Wow, I really really was enjoying the lower work load, the cheaper utility bills, being able to just run to town and grab a meal out instead of cooking all the time. I realized how much more "free" time I had to work on sewing, quilting, geneagloy, etc... Now anything that requires concentration is on the back burner.

Mom complains all the time about how bad her arthritis is and how she hurts, and yet seems to work circles around me.

My best advice: Don't worry about tomorrow, enjoy today. Try to exercise as much as you can, you'll be surprised how much it will help with pain. (Belive me I know, I have RA and OA.) Water exercise if you can do that is super fantastic for the body, a good stress reliever, and easier on the joints.

If you do end up with an empty nest, think of all the things you've wanted to do and couldn't for so long!

Hugs, and best wishes!

This is the part of getting older that really is not fair (that's not what I want to say)... You will get through this and it is hard, been there, done that. Look to your girlfriends for encouragement and strength. If you don't have any, find some! Join some groups, do some volunteering, etc. Most of all, take care of yourself, Mom and daughter and you will never be sorry. It will get better, trust me!

I so understand . This is NOT what I had planned at all. I was just thinking the other day. I turn 60 this year . How did that happen? lol My brain doesn't feel 60 , my minds eye doesn't see that woman I see in the mirror. Going from being an extremely active person one day,it seems, to someone who gets sooo exhausted just going up stairs , who can't go out at night,(I was always out and about) etc. I am not in a lot of pain so that is something to be thankful for. As far as being an empty nester I never felt that cause I only had my own place for a short time before my son moved back in , then another short time before I had to move in with DD and now since she lost her house with my brother and his daugher and granddaughter (17) . I would love to have a place all to my lonesome. lol

A quote I once read that puts some things in perspective. "If you don't take care of you, you won't be able to take care of anyone else. Your self care comes first"

I can totally relate to you. This year I turned 57 and for the first time in over 40 yrs I'm not only an empty nester when my youngest moved out with her 2 little ones my husband decided the booze was more important than a 26 yr old marriage. Anyway, it's also the winter and our bodies don't always like what the cold does to it and I'm one that likes the sunlight to keep my spirits up so I've had all of these things working against me.

I'm loving the empty nest and the empty house thing now. I got a new living room and bedroom set all thru Craiglist. I have to admit I did alot of crying in the beginning not due to the empty nester but the empty house but now I'm over that part. I see my daughter several times a week and I normally have my grandson at my house at least once if not more each week.

Let me tell you a few weeks ago I read on here about the oregano oil and how it helps the aches and pains and I thought ok, willing to try anything. I hate to take drugs. I went to the health food store and got it and Arnica Gel which I love. I used the Arnica during the day when at work so that I didn't smell like a pizza and the oil at night and couldn't believe how fast my back stopped hurting. This is something that normally doesnt' happen; I'm normally in pain for months instead of just a few days. The oil is supposed to be good for alot of things and I know the gel is good for aches and pains and bruising. My grandson loves it because he gets growing pains in the middle of the night and it's the only way we get him back to sleep is rub it on his legs. I turn my lights on bright in my house to try and get the extra light for that as well. Now, I enjoy being able to go to the store by my self and not be rushed or buy more expensive food item since it's only me eating. Just keep busy and try and enjoy life.

Enjoy the now, you don't know what the future will bring. Focus on each day you have with your daughter and your Mother, make each day a memory.

When I think about hurting, I hurt, so the best thing to do is get busy and start thinking about other things.......

obviously, first thing to do is consult a doctor to be sure that it is nothing serious..if not, then get yourself a new project and before you know it, your mind is jumping for joy with the results.

good luck.

I turned 65 yesterday and have been an empty nester for a few years now. My issues are also with pain but, if you stay active it will be better. Do the things you still can do and ask for help with the rest.

I don't mean to make light of your situation but think of the extra time and the room to indulge your quilting passion. I'm lucky that I live in such a sunny place so don't suffer that SAD syndrome. Maybe start stock piling some quilts to donate to a worthy cause. I always find doing for others makes me feel great even though I'm an upbeat person.(DH says I'm ridiculously happy) I went back to work when my youngest was in high school so was working for myself by the time they all left. I wasn't a quilter then but did sew and loved growing plants.
BFF and I would go window shopping and have lunch once a week and would go to craft or flea market every weekend. Sometimes we'd buy sometimes just look. It got us out and talking to other people.
I hope you are feeling better real soon and send you a BIG hug.

Life never ceases to be an adventure, no matter what our age or circumstances. Open your mind and heart to all the possibilites, opportunities, and the amazing people you meet along the way. At 46 I divorced after 24 years of marriage I spread my wings. Went to China, Spain, Brussels and formed a corporation. Not bad for someone who worked in a grocery store. My point is life is exciting no matter what stage we are in our life. Now years later being a grandmother, new wife of 5 years only enrich my life. I am sure if you are a willing participant in what comes your way you will find joys that you never knew existed for you. Focus on the new things you can share with your daughter in her new stages of her life. As she matures hopefully she will not only be your daughter but your new mature best friend.

I agree with starter! My body is a wreck! My 76 yr old mom can do circles around me! She line dances 2 hrs a day!, I have severe back and hip pains. Mydd and I and son r very close. It was hard when they moved out and got busy with their lives. We call and fb often which helps. I took u's quilting like starter said for those less fortunate. If u able to get out join a classed or quilting guild. That might help. I'm unable.
Good luck. You raised an amazing daughter!! Godbless

Trust me, you'll never be an empty nester. Your child, or children, will always come back home. Maybe not to live with you any longer, but they will be there. If she's going to college she'll be on the phone all the time, especially if this is her first venture from home. Even after they marry they call home all the time. I'm 65 and retired. I'm busier now than I was when my children were young and I worked outside the home. I have friends that say the same thing. Then once you have grandchildren you'll have them all the time. Enjoy them while you can because once they hit teens they are too busy to visit.

You'll never be an empty nester and you'll find yourself too busy to be an empty nester.

Hello from another 53 yr old...wishing I was an empty nester LOL!
The goal all of us have is to raise our kids so they become productive adults. And start lives of their own. My youngest is 24, not college material and really struggled after high school to find a job (this recession hit this segment of society hard) Its difficult for a 19 yr old fresh out of high school looking for blue collar work to compete with unemployed adults with college behind them and a family. He is employed now and will move out as soon as he pays us back some $$.
My focus is now on preparing for retirement and all the fun that will be.
Try to look forward ...its very exciting to watch your birds get their wings.

I remember the first time a birthday really bothered me, and I was much younger than you. Funny thing is that birthdays became real celebrations for me once I retired. Do something special for yourself, even if it's just taking time to watch a sunset. Aging does bring aches and pains, but not everyday is bad and there are many things that bring relief. Eat healthy, get some exercise that you enjoy at least three times a week. I found that using a chiropractor and an accupuncturist helped when I had back problems. Do what works for you.
If it's ok with your mom, speak with her doctor. Then you'll have a much better idea of what you can do that will be helpful.
Enjoy your daughter each day for the next two years. By the time she is ready to move out you will be more ready to have it happen. It will be an adjustment, just like everything else in life, but because you will have had time to think about it, you'll have some ideas about what to do with any free time you have.

I agree with bakermom. There is so much satisfaction in seeing your children do well. Then you can decide what you want for YOU, there are probably things you always wanted to do but never had time. I went back to college when my last one left the nest. Made a whole new life for me.

I just turned 63 and am just now accepting that I am aging. I hear your struggle and it is very real...not unlike the other mile stones in our lives...turning 30 or 40? Becoming an adult? It struck me at 50 very hard when I my father passed and my mother came to live with us....then assisted living... My doctor was more concerned about my health than my mothers. If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger....this is actually true in my case! I have more aches and pains now than my parents did at this age...but I believe it is do to life style changes...our lack of eating well and working in the garden or hanging clothes on the line....we do so much less and for me it hurts!

There are good things too...more freedom to do what you want....as soon as you figure that out. There are so many things to do for others and there are many more people worse off than us...no matter what we are going through...I just need to find them and reach out. My grandkids are big part of my daily life - not what it was like for me....I moved away from home...this is a big blessing.

Hang in there!

I have arrhythmias, I am 63, my husband is 70 and says he feels 100. We are planning a cross country move in the near future to be with our girls. We are looking forward to having them constantly in our lives. We have been empty nesters for 10 years and we loved it, but now feel that we can enjoy them on a different (not hovering) level. Hopefully this will work out. We will be living close but not so close as to have daily contact. Don't worry. try to get out more and get yourself in better shape. Enjoy your baby while you can. Maybe she won't move.

I have been an empty nester more than 10 years. I can say, I have found my quilting and other crafts have filled my home with plenty of things to do. I have also taken my craft and joined a quilt guild. I have also made quilts for charity, help someone worse off than myself and kept going. My nest is not empty. Only of children. I have a full schedule and plenty of things to do every day. So, get a hug, right hand left shoulder, left of right and hug tight. Whenever you need a boost, give yourself a hug from a quilter. We are all here to support you every day.

with todays economy tanking i suspect that your daughter will be staying put as long as she can...in the meantime, it is time to take care of yourself a little better...you deserve it...get some fresh air and exercise...take a walk. and that will also help ease your mind too.. we all get those aches and pains with age coming on...it is part of life.

I see by your age, you now have two (Ithink women) with all the hormones all over the place. I yhink you will soon be feeling better and your wonderful 15 year old will continue blossoming. Things change but LOVE never goes away, just gets different. My daughter is my best friend now, and of course, there are always the possibilities of being a grandma and you have another field to work with.

i would be thinking of the present time not the future because you have no control over that , when my kids moved away i thought life atarted all over for me !!! didnt have to clean up after other people, didnt have to do the extra laundry or dishes all of this and more left me with time to do what i wanted !! if i got lonely for them i can go to their house and make a mess and leave them to clean up after me like i did for them so many years ,i can call anyone of the grandkids , they love to come over , i can spoil them rotten and send them back to their house at any time oh knowing my kids are raised and on there own is a blessing for me i love it !!! by the way the last one that moved out thought i would be lonely and bought me a rotweiler puppy so i would not get lonely and this dog is so spoiled rotten sometimes it is like raising another child !!

I don't know what kind of a social life you have, but if you don't have one, now is the time to develop one. That doesn't necesarily mean going golfing, becoming a lady who lunches, etc. l have been enjoying going to our local fleamarket and visiting with the vendors. This past few weeks I have been hanging out with the "guys" at my garage, sitting in the office, chatting, watching tv, even just reading, talking with others who come in...while waiting for my car to be worked on. I joked that they were going to miss me, and they all agreed, ..asking me to please come back in often, for they enjoyed the good conversations. Same at the fleamarket. Maybe not the most exciting life, but interesting. Take an interest in people outside your normal circles. Visit nursing homes, hospitals, children organizations. Make blankets, rice packs, little goodies for them. "Adopt" more people. And I really recommend getting a pair of dachshunds. You will NEVER be lonely again, lol. They fill your heart and home.

Time for you to find something of your own. A hobby, a new job, volunteer somewhere. Forewarned is fair armed.

You may not end up being an empty nester, so don't stress over it yet. Plus, think positive . . . if you did a decent job of raising your child to be a responsible adult, that's a good thing. As a single parent of 3, I knew that I had to work myself out of a job so when my kids were ready to go into the world, they could, with confidence.

You will have a lot of freedom to do the things you want to do. Start planning on what you want to do with it. Get yourself ready. It's a whole new world out there and it can be yours.