question about having company and manners
 

when my MIL comes to visit she always asks for a glass of water. When the visit is over she leaves her glass on the kitchen table where she was sitting, is it rude or an old tradition for the host (me) to remove the glass and put it in the sink?

thanks for any insight you can offer me.

Kim

Dang to me it's no big deal. If that's all she asks for count your blessings.

Yeah me to. I would just pick up the glass and put it in the sink. Matter of fact I most likely would of picked up the glass before she was done.

sounds like my sister, she leaves cups and glasses all over. Does it in her house too. Don't worry about it.

*puzzled*

Not sure what your concern is? .... that she does not clean up after herself?

I'd say she is following the old tradition that she is the guest and does not remove the dishes.
Nothing wrong with that.
As to whether you remove the glass while she is in the room or after she leaves, do what works for you.

And ............... don't sweat the small stuff!

Well, I don't know, but I would take it to the sink. Maybe she doesn't know which way to go either. If it would have been my Mother-in-law, She would have jumped up and put it in the sink herself. I loved her.

I have always picked up what ever dishes/cups/glasses, what -for my 'guests' I was taught that is what a good hostess does- my mom always does, my grandmother did...it is different if you have invited guests to dinner- then it is 'polite' for them to offer to help clear the table/maybe help with dishes- most who come over do this- even though we always decline their help-let them help clear the table- but then decline help with the dishes- letting them know we will get them done later (or hubby and I will do them together real quick while we visit-we would rather visit with them while they are with us.

This is a non-problem in my eyes. I would simply wait until she leaves and then take her glass to the sink.

I may be more old fashion than this modern world can handle. People in my house are guests. Unless they are here for a prolonged stay, They are treated as guests.

My DMIL, who lived with me for about thirty five years, always took your dishes before you were even finished eating and stacked everything from glasses to pot and pans in a sink of water, to soak. There was no relaxing over a meal when she decided dinner was over. Then every greasy pan piled high in the sink would prevent anyone from getting a glass of water or fill a watering can or anything you do at a sink, unless you emptied it first. Oh, how I hated that. She is the same woman who has a daughter who tells people when they can speak, sit or stand... or fart.

My DH is blissfully free of these kinds of domineering habits.

Now that I am living in a MIL free zone, I can freely live the way I want. And I insist that visitors are treated as such.

This is a long way to say, a glass of water is a little thing. Just be happy she visits.
peace

@ post# 7: ckcowl: You put it perfectly! I could never dream of having visitors do clean up detail. It is one of my little pleasures I do with my DH as we wind down after guests leave.
peace

EDIT: I would also like to add that the gentility of hosting has been lost to young people and most things today are more casual.

I love old edicquite books. And many times they have helped me through some aqward situations. And it is fun to be gentile.
peace

You are certainly blessed if this is the only thing that upsets you. I wish I had a MIL.

SANDY

believe me its not the ONLY thing she does
 

I just was wondering as I was always taught to take my plate and dishes off the table at home and automatically do it when I am a guest somewhere else. She just always leaves her glass or Mcdonalds bags, etc. I didn't know if I should expect her to do it or if proper etiquette was for her to leave it laying around. My boys are taught to clean up after themselves. My mother leaves her glass too and she was the one who taught me to pickup my dishes at home or at somewhere else.

I agree... I was bought up, if I am the host I would do it..and I prefer to pick up the dishes...I know where it goes...in the dishwasher...better than the old days when it went in the sink to be washed.

so when I stop by her house I should leave my glass on the table and leave. I would have to make a conscious effort to leave it for her. But if that is what is expected I guess I should.

i'm of the camp who does not expect guests to remove their dishes. in fact, i prefer that they don't. i don't like dishes left in the sink... i rinse them and stack them neatly to the side for washing. i like the sink to be left free for other uses until i can get the dishes washed.

say she stops buy with a beverage from McDonald's sits down at the table, talks for a while then goes home but leaves her trash behind instead of throwing it out on her way out the door. One time when she did this with a whole meal from McDonald's I ran the bag out to her before she pulled out of the driveway and said "oh you forgot your leftovers" (bag fries).

I just wished I still had my MIL lost her on motherday this year she was a great mil I had the best MIL and FIL both r gone. Don't sweat it as something as simple as that.

I used to treat my MIL like a queen. I loved her. She was a good woman and I would pick her dishes up anytime.

My dear Kim, if that is the bigest problem with your MIL, then you are blessed! I always clear up if needed after my guests, unless they insist in helping,but one glass I think would never be a problem. Relax ,Love Letty

It may have just slipped her mind....besides it is such a small thing to waste time over. She is just visiting. Enjoy the visit and go around later and clean up.
l

Miss Manners says that the host is to clean up after dinner guest -So I would think this falls in that category. But for me it comes down to showing respect to your MIL. Pick your battles wisely

Apparently, your MIL raised the man you love. For this you must overlook the little things like this. It's no big deal. Clean the table after she leaves and don't say a word.

I think it goes back to how you were raised. As kids we always had to pick up after ourselves and had to dishes after every meal. So now, regardless at home or at friends, I always take my glass, dishes, whatever, to the sink and volunteer to clean dishes and the kitchen. I think it is only courteous, but maybe your mom-in-law was raised with guest being treated like guest. I agree with the others that say don't sweat the small stuff, you'll be less stressed!

This is starting to sound like a DIL-MIL war front ..........
...........and no matter what MIL does, it will be considered wrong.

As I suggested before, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff!

IF this is all bothering you SO much,
speak with your husband about what is troubling you.
And work it out with him.

If this is the worst that is happening in your life, you have a great life. Enjoy the quirks and foibles...life is very short.

I usually pick up glasses from everyone in my family so picking up a glass from her would seem normal to me.

Do you like your MIL?

How often do you see her?

How old are each of you?

There probably is "more to the story" - but from what you've said - my reaction is "oh, good grief!!"

What do you WANT her to do?

I really think it depends on family dynamics, not etiquette rules.

If I am a guest at a family home I am a pitch in sort of person. I always will help clear tables, wash pots etc. If I know the hostess is particular in how her dishwasher is loaded, I rinse and stack. If I know how they load their dishwasher I start to load after rinsing.

My kids have been taught since they were little to clear their plates and others, when visiting family and close family friends.

But having said all that, when my mum comes over and has a coffee, the cup is left where she was sitting. But if she was over for dinner, she would be helping clear up.

I cannot imagine anyone in my family bring fast food to my house to eat, let alone leaving the wrappers out. Unless they were bring it for everyone, but still garbage is garbage, not dishes and should be put in the garbage can by the person who creates it.

I do not have a great relationship with my MIL, but I really would not care if she left out a few dishes.

I do not think that would bother me.

etiquette "rules" are not all black and white. A lot of them seem black and white because they are accepted by most people as the tried and true way to handle a particular situation. They are common sense guidance for handling people interactions in large or small situations. The main purpose is to make interactions kinder for each other.

For your specific example it really is a matter of "whatever works for all". She may feel(as well as your mother- ask her) as a guest in your house she should not assume where you want the glass. (When I was little we were taught to put things on the counter next to the sink. This way you didn't have to remove everything from the sink to wash them). When you go to her house, as a younger, more agile person it might be nice to help put dishes in/near the sink per her wishes. So - do whatever works best.

Not necessarily anymore .... each municipality has different sort rules re garbage, recycle, compost etc.
The sorting at my home is totally different than at my friends, only a few kilometres away.
Some of what they compost, I cannot.
Some of what I compost, they cannot.
I have a 2-way recycle sort ... they have a 3-way.

No longer is garbage .......... garbage!!!

It's not quite so black and white.

I say be thankful you still have a DMIL. Mine lived in a MIL apartment in our basement until we lost her in '08. We loved being able to see her whenever we wanted. We often took meals down and had them with her in the family room/ wet bar area down there. She would come up sometimes when her mobility would allow. I miss her very much and would love to be able to do such a small thing as to put her glass in the sink or dishwasher!
I am in no way dogging you, there may be more to the story, but if you to get along, enjoy every minute you can!
You may find yourself in the future picking up a glass and it may bring sweet memories of her or your chats back.
Life is way to short to worry over the little things!...
Penny

I am now visiting with my son and DIL (but not staying in their home). We only get to see them in the evenings as they both work. Last night we had tea and I left the cup on the table. So I'm now on the bad list? Geeze Louise, I'll have to ask!! Basically, I try not to ever interfere, send the same emails to both, include her always, always, always in everything. At least you live close enough for MIL to visit. We just want the best for our sons. We did raise them, you know and have the same love for them that your mother has for you. And sometimes we feel left out...so her visiting and leaving stuff on the table shouldn't be a big deal. One day you will be wishing for these days back. IMHO

Just pick it up...She may not realize she is even doing it..or that it upsets you..

It wouldn't matter to me. I had a WONDERFUL mother in law. In fact I loved all my in-laws. I was an only child and my sisters-in-law & BIL were like family to me. My FIL was very close to being a saint - died at 62. My MIL never gave me any advise that I didn't ask for. My mom, on the other hand, always liked to tell me what/how to do things.

We have lovely friends who make it very clear that THEY want to clear the dishes and they are very particular about where the "dirty" dishes are stacked. If, by chance, your MIL has friends like ours, she may just believe that leaving her glass on the table is a safe bet. Remember, "You can please some of the people some of the time but you cannot please all of the people all of the time!"

OH man do I understand the domineering MIL(she is a piece of work for sure!LOL)-I always turn that around and make it sweet .. LOL
The glass? just put it in the sink, dishwasher or whatever.. maybe she is unsure of what to do with the glass, have you asked her if she wanted more water in her glass ? If not I'll put it in the dishwasher. Maybe that would work for you ..

Best I can say to you is pick your battles wisely- I learned from saying anything about DH's sister in law to anyone (another piece of work !LOL). Sounds like you just need to be the hostess with the politest and pleasant personality to your MIL. Just let lying dogs lie and let it go no matter what is said or done when she visits. Believe me I am truly learning this lesson in life as well.

We are all unique, from different eras as far as manners and mannerisms.

Our guests are treated as such. No one does the dishes but me, because if I didn't do them then they aren't clean enough for me...lol A long time ago a friend from Kansas came out to visit. She insisted on doing the dishes after supper. She is an elderly lady and I was raised to respect my elders and don't sass them...lol So I had to sit there helpless and watch...LOL After she left to go back to our Son's house, I redid all the dishes.

It is usually family who shows up, they keep the guest room (now the annex) picked up, they have full use of the washer/dryer and their own bathroom. All I ask of them is to put the used dishes in the sink, put their trash in the garbage and have fun and relax.

When I go to someone's house I do pick up my dishes just like when I go out to eat I stack my plates in the center of the table to make it easier on the waitress and I always push my chair in (my biggest pet peeve is to have chairs left out). It's not a matter of being raised like this, its just what I do and the way Ive taught my kids, not that they all follow now that they are grown. I don't worry if people leave their cups out. My kids come over with thier kids, some times with fast food and they normally leave it where they sit when they leave. If I have them over for dinner they rarely ever offer to help clean up, non of this stuff is how they were raised. Recently I was at my daughters for dinner and she made a comment at how I always do dishes at her house so she wasn't worried about how many dirty dishes there were. I told her hadn't she noticed that I quit doing dishes at her house because she never did them when I cooked. She laughed and never said a word. I pick my battles, that is the one rule that I've learned with having 5 kids, if you make everything a battle then you'll win none. I can understand your frustration but it isn't worth the stress. I hate when I go to work with a clean house and my kids come over while I'm at work with thier kids and I come home to a mess. Thats life and we can find lots of things to get upset about. It's hard to let go of the little stuff but its not worth the stress. I chose to count the blessings and try to ignore the things that upset me, I don't always succeed but I try.

It would not be a problem for me. Just put it wherever you want it after she or anyone else leaves. Trash can be put into the trash can or wherever you keep it. After raising kids and having Grandkids around I couldn't do any other way. I am thankful I can still do things for myself and others.