I need a perspective or an attitude adjustment.

The situation: the final Harry Potter movie is coming out next month. There is a midnight showing.

DD (14) is "the biggest HP fan in the world" and wants to go to the midnight premier, and wants to get a bunch of her friends to go to.

We live in a world with choices, though...

Theater #1 is 10 minutes away, the ticket price is $12 and snacks are expensive. This is a newer theater.

Theater #2 is 25 minutes away, tickets are $6 and the snacks cost about half as much. This is an old theater.

DD wants to go to theater #1. I told her that I though it was overpriced and that we should plan on going to theater #2, and that it is rather arrogant to assume that her friends are all willing and/or able to pay twice as much as they need to to see the movie. (I am willing to transport DD and 6 of her friends in our gas-guzzling van.)

She burst into tears and said that I "don't understand how important this is to her".

Parents who have survived teenage girls, what's your take on this? (Boys just don't react in this way, I've noticed...)

Does she get an allowance?

If so, have her come up with the money to go?

I noticed that DGDs were more reluctant to spend "their" money than their Dad's or mine!

I guess it depends on who is paying. If it's that important to her - and she and her friends are willing to spend "their" money on it - let them!

If you are the one "directly" paying for the ticket and snacks - then I think YOU are the one that gets to choose where to go.

Prehaps u could call the other 6 friends parents.. ask which they prefer to have their Dtr go to.

or

prehaps the dtr can pay the difference in price?

Is the older theater in a bad neighborhood?

Here's my take on it.......I think she burst into tears not because you were being unreasonable about saving money but because she and some of her friends may have already talked about how nice it would be to go to the new theater and see what it's like. For some reason it almost seems like once a teenage girl gets her heart set on something it's hard to change her mind.

If she and the other girls have their own money and want to spend it on the tickets to realize their dream that's fine but otherwise they should take your advice and go to the less expensive theater. Oh and by the way, can they throw a few candy bars in their purses?

You're a good mom to be a part of this and to be willing to take the girls.

What would the difference be in gas. Take that into account if you are paying for her ticket. If she is paying for her own there is no problem, if that is what she wants to spend her money on.

I would have her ask her friends which theater they would prefer. If they all want #2, I am sure she will, too. If they want #1, tell her that is okay, as long as she pays the difference.

Do they really need snacks at midnight? lol Maybe you can throw some in your purse.

I agree - it's too easy to 'spend' mom's $$$ - maybe she can "earn" her way, or maybe a good teaching moment -

MANY years ago when the Beach Boys came to town & I had an opportunity to take my teen twin girls to see them, they were told "If you clean up your room I will take you" - wellll be careful what you threaten, because they didn't, & I didn't. BUT they did remember that the next time.

That same year the Beatles came to the USA for the 1st time, & I had the same opportunity to take them (they did what I ask them this time). At the time, I was a sheriff's deputy in Las Vegas - as an officer, I had to pull duty that nite at the concert, & the dept. sent cars to PU all the officers & they OFFERED to let me bring the girls to see them. (they were 13 at the time - scored some pretty big points on that one)

I also agree w/bluteddi - how do the other parents feel about paying that price, or are those girls maybe 'earning' their way?

Good luck, I'm just happy I'm not raising kids in the crazy world out there today - I feel sorry for all the peer pressure & what kids have to face out there.

Is there a cute boy working at theater #1? There may be plans for a big group to go and she and her friends are just meeting the others there. I'd probably take them to the one they wanted, spend the extra money if you have it, and let it be an awesome night. Fiscal responsibility is great, but sometimes girls just want to have fun! I think the days of squeezing 14 kids into a car to go to the drive-in for a $1 are over. We boycotted the walkin movie theater when they went up from 35 to 50 cents. Then we went to "town" and had to pay 85 cents. So, we decided 50 was doable after all. :-D

The older theater is in a lovely little rural village south of us.

The way it is around here is that the new movie theaters are all located in newly developed retail areas (along with the big box chain stores). The older theaters are historic movie theaters in the (completely safe) downtown areas of the neighboring towns. These are villages with quaint, thriving Main streets with coffee shops, boutiques etc.

I think what troubles me most is that... well, we are fortunate to live in a "rich suburb" of Buffalo. And while I myself am not rich, a lot of DDs friends apparently do come from wealthy families. She has been lucky enough to be invited to lots of their homes, and those are really big, spacious ... well, they are mansions to me.

And I think they probably all do have money to burn. That said... how I wish that instead of spending the extra $6/ticket on themselves, we could turn it into an outing to the less expensive theater, and have the girls bring $6 worth of food for a local food pantry.

Its about... how do I teach her to be a good steward, and a caring Christian young woman that lives out the concept of loving her neighbor?

For instance... last year she wanted Uggs. Nothing else would do. So I took her shopping, and she bought her Uggs, with her own money. They were $140 / pair. J. C. Penney had Fuggs (fake Uggs) for $20 / pair that week. I asked DD right out if she knew exactly what she was doing, in purchasing the Uggs. I asked if she understood that she could get some very nice other-brand boots, and buy an equally nice pair for charity. Or buy the Penney boots, and six other kids could also have warm dry feet.

She still bought the Uggs.

And we'd recently come back from a week-long mission trip to Nicaragua, where $5 / day is considered a very good wage.

Honestly, I have been TRYING to teach her (and her brothers) to care about others.

Is it just her age, and the (lucky) town that we live in?

Or am I expecting too much wisdom from someone who is still quite young?

Good luck with this one. Personally, I agree that the person paying should have the most say in this decision. My pocketbook is not deep enough to be able to 'treat' the kids when a less expensive choice is available. I may wish I could, but I cannot and will not feel guilty because of that. Sometimes we have a tendency to spoil our kids just because we have enough money. LOL, guess that is not MY problem.

It's good to have choices; it means you have been fortunate.

But sometimes I think it would be easier to teach the life lessons, were there NOT so many choices available.

Sometimes scarcity highlights the difference between what's really important and what is "fluff".

I don't think every.single.thing has to be a lesson. Sometimes a teenage girl needs to be a teenage girl. The occasional selfish act does not mean she's a selfish person, and I'm afraid if you try to force a charitable attitude on her, she'll rebel--because that's how teenagers operate.

If it were me, I'd make a bargain with her--IF she does something nice next weekend (volunteer somewhere, donate some of her belongings, etc), she can go to the fancy cinema when the movie comes out. If it's that important to her, I bet she'll do it, and feeling as if she has a voice in the matter could make a huge difference in her attitude.

But take that all with a grain of salt. I don't have kids, and I am also planning a massive outing for HP7. ;) I mean, it really IS a big deal... that's it, the final installment, there's no more after this movie is released. I'd be heartbroken if I couldn't make an event of it.

I guess I am very old fashioned but I feel that if you are willing to take them out at midnight it should be up to you where they go. If they are showing the same movie then either theater is good enough. And forget the snacks at midnight!

I agree with bj. It is sounding like they are going to see cute boys.

If the extra expense won't be a sacrifice for the family then I vote for the one she wants to go to. She'll remember it as special not always wondering how great it could have been if she had to go to the one she didn't really want to go to. She'll have other choices to have to do without her wishes so if this one can be granted then let her have it come true. It's really a small thing to us but major to a girl her age. I have raised four teen girls and now raising my 16 year old niece. Little things like this give them so much confidence in their social world.

Just want to add, forcing life lessons just for the cause of having them see the reasoning won't work. Most teens know the family situation and know what can or cannot be granted.

quote "I don't think every.single.thing has to be a lesson. Sometimes a teenage girl needs to be a teenage girl. The occasional selfish act does not mean she's a selfish person, and I'm afraid if you try to force a charitable attitude on her, she'll rebel--because that's how teenagers operate.

If it were me, I'd make a bargain with her--IF she does something nice next weekend (volunteer somewhere, donate some of her belongings, etc), she can go to the fancy cinema when the movie comes out. If it's that important to her, I bet she'll do it, and feeling as if she has a voice in the matter could make a huge difference in her attitude."

I like this. I would try to teach a "lesson in life" all the time and many times it just didn't work. Sometimes kids have to be kids. :)

I had two girls a little less than 11 months apart, so they were more or less in sync when they wanted anything.

A calm statement about what or what not was allowed is the thing to do. Don't argue, just tell it like it is, and if they miss the opening, they WILL survive to see it later.

The mere idea of missing it will most likely bring them into line.

I teach high schoolers, and sometimes you have to let kids be kids. Not everything has to be a teachable moment, and I'm sure that at some point she'll do something to "counteract" what you consider a waste.

Sometimes it really *is* about fitting in. In the scheme of things, Uggs and a $12 movie aren't a big deal. I'm sure that your kids got a great deal out of the mission trip you took them on to Nicaragua. She might not show it now, but she's learning. And she'll really blossom, especially in college. I've had a ton of students come back to me and let me know.

And, it could be "the" social event. Or a boy.

Honestly, my mom tried cramming down "everything's a teachable moment" and I really rebelled. Sometimes you have to trust your judgement in that you are raising a kid with good morals and values. I think I turned out ok.

I've found that kids of both sexes go through a phase when buying the more expensive of whatever is a way to establish social rank among the other empty-headed teens. I was not easily impressed or swayed. On the other hand, you are talking about driving 50 miles vs. 20, and at today's gas prices that might make a difference of $8-10 to you.

I think the biggest consideration is whether some of the other kid would be left out because of the greater cost. Also, it's a great opportunity for you as a parent to introduce interesting topics for discussion such as social pressure, economics and consumerism.

First things first, speak with the other parents. This may be something that the girls have cooked up among themselves. The other parents may not even be willing to have their 14 y/o daughters out at midnight. Also 6 girls at that age are a handful no matter how good they are and you will need help. I agree with others about something extra for her to do to make up the extra $6. I may be in the minority but everything in life is a lesson. The money may not be a big deal now but learning to make the decision might been when it comes to having money for a meal vs going to the latest and greatest of something IMOH. I have raised 2 girls and have 5 gds.

mltquilt

I'm waiting till it comes out on DVD, stopped going to theaters years ago. With my collection of DVD, Blu Rays etc, my folks can borrow and see the movies also.
I don't have kids, but you could always say I don't have the money to take you to the movies can you wait till it comes out as a video rental?
I can remember when movies were 50 - 75 cents to get in and the popcorn, soda and candy were cheap. That was the 60's and early 70's though.

I'm probably in the minority but I never really argued over the cost of name brand clothes or other items. I said this is your clothing budget for this time and you can buy what you think you will need. If you don't buy underwear to have money to buy the expensive jeans, tops, shoes then you will go underless. I didn't stress over it or listen to whining about not having good socks when it got cold. I didn't worry about cold feet, it was their cold feet but I told them how spiffy they looked in that $100 name brand hoody. LOL.

If you could, that was great.

Not everyone can.

I think maybe it is time for her to manage her own money. I.e., take the amount you normally spend on her in a month (for clothing and incidentals), put it in a bank account,, give her the debit card. Explain when the money is gone the card will no longer work. She has to live with the decisions she makes. It prepares her for the real world.

I was able to do the same thing with mine. I allowed them to make choices, live with those choices and never (well almost never) berated them about it. I will admit that when they were very young I stacked the deck by picking the two or three things they could pick from. They didn't catch on.

Guess I am old fashioned, two choices, stay home or go where I was willing to take them......

Then I have always been dead set against "keeping up with the Jones's" and am probably to the extreem of not fitting in if it means "being,looking,dressing.doing like everyone else" I didn't raise girls I had boys ,One I struggled with the name brand thing for a short while ,it didn't last thank goodness.I really think teens get their way too often these days, I will stop now lol

They have to learn sooner or later, you can't do everything. You need to economize to be able to do more things. Its just like shopping for fabric. I'd love to go to LQS all the time for my fabric,but.......I can sew more if I learn to adjust my likeing to other shops for cheaper fabrics. It's the way of life. Especially in todays economy. We don't knowwhat tomorrow will bring. At 14 she's old enough to understand. Unless she is using all her money, then I say let her go. When she runs out of money, it's a good lesson to know you need to adjust and put your prioritys in order. It's sad but thats the way things are now and none of us can change it.

I have 2 Harry Potter fans. We were there for the midnight release of the books and for the movies. It was our together time. It's fun watching their excitement.
Luckily we could afford it so money wasn't the issue. They usually did all their chores, because they knew it could easily be taken away. Now they live on their own and called me if I wanted to go to the midnight showing with them net month. I can't make it through the movie that late anymore, but it was nice they wanted me there.

As the mom of two adult sons....choose your battles...it's a long war no matter how you cut it! Sorry.

You could always tell her, that in order to go the more expensive place than snacks/beverages are out of the question or they can go to the less expensive place and enjoy both..movie and snacks :thumbup:

we have a crappy OLD run down theatre that is just nasty...and will cost us $12.00 per person to go see and snacks (which is where theatres make their money) are ridiculous!

SO we are opting to drive 1.25 hours south to the CITY and pay only $8.00 to see it in a really nice MALL theatre...

why??? just like your DD...we LOVE HP and this will the very last HP midnight premiere they will get to go and see!

Make it special!

My feel is to allow her to make the decision. She knows of the price differences and distance and the sacrafice you would be making to take them. This is learning experience in itself. One she will know of your generosity of your time, two, a feeling of being trusted to make the decision,and most importantly, she will learn to make sacrafices for others when needed. Trust in your daughter's decision and she will gain confidence.

This is exactly what my SIL did with her 2 boys. She would go through their wardrobe with them and see what still fit and what needed to be purchased, etc. Then she would give them XX dollars in cash and turn them loose in the mall. The first year the oldest one did not listen to her and spent it all on a pair of designer jeans. He had to do his laundry every night until Christmas, lol!

If this were my 17 year old son (who is a pro at attempting to manipulate us through the "you don't understand!" line) I would give HIM choices: If you want to go and do XYZ, which is more expensive than ABC, then we have to make sacrifices somewhere else. Then I would give him a couple of choices - no soda and sweet treats for a month, or no trip to the beach, something like that. That does a couple of things - it makes him feel that he has input, control, and a voice, and lets you keep the budget in line.

Good luck and let us know how you resolve this!

Huh? Anyone can. If your clothing budget for the teen is $50 or $2000, then that's all they get. It's not a matter of how much, it's letting them choose what they spend it on.

To me... driving the extra 15 minutes each way would end up being an extra 30 minutes each way...waiting for them to get in the car while complaining etc.

That extra 30 minutes or extra 60 minutes (both ways of the trip) would not be worth the $12 difference in price.

After the midnight showing, it's going to be around 1:30 or so before you get back on the road....that 15/30 minutes could be a problem if you are overly tired. Do you have to take each girl home or are they all staying with you?

I am guessing since you said the other girls houses are quite large the money isn't an issue with them or their parents. The other parents are probably glad "they" aren't the one going at midnight so they can have the night off.


Concede this small trial...it's really not worth your time or the sadness/pouting you'll have to live with....HOWEVER I'd not make it an "Okay you win"...but rather an "Okay, I won't embarrass you in front of your friends by making you go to the "old" movie theater, BUT you must encourage your friends to do a fund raiser for "a favorite charity" or help someone less fortunate" type of conceding. (clear as mud?)

The reason doesn't really matter. It probably won't make much sense to you. I would go halves on the ticket to the closer theater. Take your own snacks, unless she wants to buy them herself. If it's that important to her, try to work it out. But she needs to assume some of the responsibility for the cost. Life is short. Enjoy her, drama and all!

14 is awfully young to be together with 6 others her age at midnight in a theater in a shopping mall area.

Melodrama is part of life for a teen girl. Making sensible decisions is part of being a teen's parent.

I like the idea of problem solving with her regarding the "details" of the situation involving the friend's group. 14 yr old females are notoriously manipulative. :evil:

Checking with the other parents sets a precedence in which she understands you will check things out and you will protect her (from herself and others bad decision-making)

It's better to have a kid angry with you than to have one harmed (hate to consider how) and have to pick up those emotional pieces for the rest of her life.

Be the parent and be strong - some day this may end up being "one of those" stories she tells her children.

:D

I agree with you. And that being said, to teach a child and I do mean child because they do not understand the value of money and have to be taught and what better way than to show them that the movie is the same, the pop is the same, the popcorn is the same and the candy bars in the purse are the same, what does the theatre have to do with any of it except to be where the movie is shown. You decide where YOU will take them and what YOU can afford and they can either do it YOUR way or not. It may just be that your daughter would rather go to the less expensive movie theatre, but because of peer pressure has to choose a more expensive theatre, and put you right in the middle of it. We always told our son that if there was something he was not truly comfortable with to tell his friends his parents won't allow it, won't go along with it, won't give him the money for it. We'd be the bad guys, let him off the hook and everything was just fine and none of his friends ever knew the real reason. This is just my take on things. These kids are just children and we are their parents. The kids nowdays don't understand what situation this country is in right now and money is getting tight and if they want something bad enough, they will earn it! Get a job, babysit, mow lawns, our son mowed lawns from the time he was 11 years old until the day before he graduated from the University of Minnesota.

Good luck to you - go to the less expensive theatre. The cute guys will always be there. I should know, I married one - 51 years ago!!!!! Edie

In 20 years you will laugh about this!
Teenagers are so dramatic, just do what you think best and she will probably comply.

Had 4 teenage daughters......survival is sometimes questioned.

THESE FOLLOWING WORDS ARE FROM MY BROTHER =A FATHER OF 3 GIRLS= They gotta be COOL Seen at only the coolest places Wear only the coolest cloths shoes jewelry etc etc as long as its OPM... Give her options --You'll give her $12 period she then can opt for the over priced ticket and no snacks OR the cheap ticket and snacks But heres the hard part AS the PARENT You can ONLY give her $12 NO matter which option she chooses He said it was a good lesson on money management Little GrassHoppers spent their movie nite money wisely Tickets and snacks :-)