My ex husband has been out of work for almost 3 years. He informed my youngest son (which lives with him) that he would not be able to buy christmas for him and his step brother. My heart sank for both my ex and my son. My heart says take money out of my savings and give it to my ex without my son knowing, but my head says hes a jerk dont you dare he could have had a job years ago had he looked for one. I pay child support to my ex its not court odered because I have custody, its just my sons decision to live there. So its not like he doesnt have income, he has a working wife and was drawing unemployment. Sometimes I hate having a heart.

No dont be Santa through your ex.....if you feel your child needs more presents, then you get them for him directly. If your ex felt your child NEEDED presents, he would do the same. It's a ploy.

BTW, please dont buy presents out of savings. This Christmas thing is crazy. Think about this. Can your child name all the major presents he received last year, where they are at now, and the last time they were used?

I would follow my heart, but I agree that I would give the gifts directly. You will do a better job shopping anyway.

Sounds like he might be playing you a little. be careful, but also listen to your heart. Merry Christmas

He is laying a quilt trip on you, don't go for it. Buy more presents if you want your child to have more, but you give them to him. I'm a grandparent, I try to get my children and grands everything they are really wanting , and grandpa is really a soft touch. I've noticed quite often I "hear" how much the grands need or want something but they just can't afford it, and before I know it, we are buying. Then they go out to dinner or do something that is totally unneccessary. My husband and I didn't go out at all when our kids were little, not even for special occassions, and dinner out just because was unheard of. But our kids had plenty. Don't get me wrong, my kids don't ask us to buy for the grandchildren, and probably don't even realize what they are doing when they mention things like that, but we pick up on it and do. I'm getting a little tighter with what I do( notice I said a little,LOL), but grandpa ? That's another story!!

Clem55 you said quilt trip insead of guilt trip, too funny!

I've finally discouraged my local moocher. She's been a burr under my saddle for 50 years and YAHHHH. She found out she has more 'stuff' than a flea market and I don't. I pay my bills first, even if I have to do it in payments. I'd love a trip or restrurant evening. But, I also stay in my health guidelines that way no emergencies. Some folks are just born moochers. And another thing, being poor is a state of mind. Quilters are loving, giving and so special. I'm sure we have a neon light blinking somewhere on our person that says 'SUCKER'. Aren't we wonderful?!?

Blessings,
Ruth

I agree with everyone, don't take money out of your savings to give to your ex husband, give/buy something for your son, and I think seamstome is right, ask him how much he's used or played with the last gifts he received.

How old is your son ? is he old enough to understand that there is no Santa ? Maybe it is time that son realizes some truths about Dad - hard as that may be . Son will have Christmas with you , so its not like he won't have anything .

You gals give good advice, and my son is 17 not a baby so he'll understand his dads position. I too am very frugal with my money throughout the year, and buy only necessaries, always putting money back for the rainy days that come to often. We dont eat out all the time or take fancy vacations.

yes we are very giving as quilters, we never get what we give to a quilt. I actually have a quilt in the making for the ex, how sick is that!

Your ex can give your child a gift. Gifts don't have to be items such as TVs, game systems etc. Gifts can be as simple as a day together fishing, or doing his chores for a week, in other words his time. Don't feel quilty(I like that Clem55/Carol) for your ex he's not yours now(happy dance) hence the ex. Give your son what you want to give him. Let your ex give his son what he wants to give him - hes a big boy now he can take care of himself. If he really wanted to give monetary gifts he could have gone to a temp agency to get some Christmas gift cash.

I , too, would like to know the age of your son. I would send my son several gifts--and i don't mean expensive ones necessarily. I'd probably even add a few tokens for his stepbrother...i'm a sucker...but I'd sign the cards with my name and make sure they knew I sent them. (Add, Just saw your son is 17. He probably knows he situation, but I'd send a few extras. As for making your ex a quilt and worrying so much about his situation, are you sure you're not becoming an enabler? He has a new wife and life...There are many more deserving people in your own life who would appreciate your work...)

I agree here, I am sure your son will know that it comes from you anyway.... The ex should have thought it out before and found a minimum wage job long ago for X-mas presents, if there is a will there is always a way....

I wonder if you say "no" firmly, if your ex will find the money some how to buy your son gifts? :wink:

These people made their own choice. Let them live with it.

Buy the gifts you want your son to have. It's safer than letting ex spend as he wants.

Well I went and got my son for the week, didnt give ex any money. I have helped him in the past with money for groceries, A long distance card so his wife could call her kids. He's not mine to take care of anymore. My son will have a good christmas at my house, I cant cure his dad I tried for years, hopeless case. He has found a job though my son says! Yeah for him! And my pocket. Thanks for all your thoughts, you gals are great!

well, you can see what is on my mind!!LOL

My heart goes out to all of you who have exes and children who don't live with you. I can't imagine the toll that must take. I know you have big hearts, because if you didn't you wouldn't be on this board. Merry Christmas to all of you.

Lea,

Good for you!! I am proud of you. You stood your ground. I'm sure your son will have a nice Christmas even if he gets nothing from his Dad. He will know that you thought of him and love him. I realized on my own how my dad was years ago....it took a while but I figured it out. My Mom and StepDad never ever said anything bad about him.........he did it all himself. LOL

I hope you and your son have a very Merry Christmas.

:)

Angie

I'm SO proud of you!!!!! I know how hard that was but you're doing the right thing. You don't owe your ex anything. It sounds like we've both tried to help our ex's and in doing so they never hit the bottom and learn how to pull themselves back up. I finally told myself I've tried everything I could and have given him more than enough breaks and its time to take care of my kids and myself. Hang in there.
High fives to you!!!!!! :thumbup:

I am among the belief that Christmas is not about expensive gifts. I think it has gotten so out of hand for some, yes we buy are boys gifts and different things thru out the year.
But a gift can be a pair of gloves,a favorite candy bar stash,a pair of earphones, a needed pair of pants. No your Ex may not be able to do expensive but their are many non-expensive choices.
One of my boys (14) wants and engine(he's building a go-cart- pretty much from scraps) well you know what he's not going to get one for Christmas and will need to save for it whether he wants new or used or bartar for one.Besides it will give me time to get use to the whole idea of a motor.hee hee Anyways I don't mean to offend anyone I just wanted to give some suggestions. Best Wishes..

I just read the recent post. GOOD JOB! You will have a Wonderful Time and enjoy your time with your son.

I agree with the others. Don't send money to the ex. If the kids need gifts buy them yourself and send them. It sounds like he knows you're a soft touch and is playing you.

I agree.........you gift them.......don't let him be a part of that. If he really wanted to get them gifts he would have found a way!

ditto
penny

NO! If you want to Santa, be Santa from YOU, not your ex. Sounds like your ex is playing the kids against you. I'm guessing this is not the first time!

I am proud of you too! Christmas shouldnt be about gifts anyhow!

I thought you did it on purpose...LOL.

Don't do That, you Buy what your son wants. Some People Take Kindness for Weakness. Been There Done That.

I agree no money . He has known for a year xmas was coming and just playing you. Big lots is cheap enough for a little something if he really felt bad about it. He's had a year after all. I'm sure he can come up with what he wants ( beer ciggerettes or whatever.)You don't need to say anything to your son but he will eventually see what dad is like on his own. You never said how old he is.





My in laws always want money but I just told them we don't mix business with family or friends. ( they get three times retirement than we do working have nothing to show for there money but spend it before doing their bills. Then thinks everyone should give them money cause they are so poor. Everyone gets alot less than they do, and they even thought we should when we were on unemploynent. No one gets get.)

I agree.

If the boy is 17, why on earth are you paying child support to the ex? He, your son, is old enough to handle his own money.
It's well past time he learned, and if not, he can still live with either Dad or Mom if necessary.

17--- wow you don't need to protect him from your ex they should be able to work it out. He is old enough for you just to deal one on one with your son. If you want him to have something go for it.

The more you do, the more you enable him to continue his behavior. give to your son and go on with your live

If it isn't in the budget, maybe he could spend some time with his son. The commercial part of Christmas has gotten out of hand, & maybe this is a good time to start cutting back.

My sons still in school I just assumed that I was supposed to pay until he got out of school. Its not court ordered I just do it because hes my son, and my responsiblity also. The ex would have a cow if I gave the money to my son.

Maybe the ex has pulled something like it before & you came thru to save his hide? It's up to you....either do or don't, knowing he can only ask. The buck stops with you.

I must say not "all 17 year olds" are old enough to handle money, and many adults too for that matter. I am understanding that it is not court ordered. But why would he (ex) have a cow if you gave the money for your son to your son. I am wondering if maybe just as a suggestion you start a savings account with your son and your name on it and start putting some of the the money there. It's a suggestion but believe it would depend on the rest of the circumstances. I really applaud you for helping take care of your son, there are so many others that don't, whether they are living with them or not.

when your son turns 18 what happens then? will he still live with your ex or will he get his own place? when he's 18, he's his own responsibility. in any event, no way should you be giving your ex money for the young man.