Would you prefer?
 

That someone tell you the truth if you just don't click or remain silent and pretend that you don't exist?

Personally I would rather have someone tell me that we just don't click as friends. Ignoring is much more hurtful and rude. Besides if there were a reason, it would be something I can work on.

This is just something I have noticed in this so called technology age. It appears people don't have to deal with people face to face anymore so it is okay to be rude. This happens in personal as well as work life. Saddens me that the internet has done this because it is so much easier to discard people's feelings through the internet.

Just an observation.

It is even worse if it is your son. Because he doesn't answer emails, texts, phone messages or acknowledge gifts sent, this is super hurtful. We had a wonderful, no stress relationship for 32 years, then he married a woman who didn't want us in the picture. Soooo I think of what it must have been like for moms over one hundred years ago when their sons left for parts unknown. They must have wondered about them, just as I do, but then they didn't have iPhones, computers and digital imaging to keep in touch. I wonder what my son's excuse is? Sadly, when we were my son's age, my husband and I only had one parent (my Mom) still living. It is harder I think to realize our son has both parents, but he has chosen to throw us and his sister away. I wonder if regrets will ever cross his mind. I don't think I will ever know. Has this happened to others here?

My elder brother has done that as well. He ignores our existence and mums as well. She is not a well woman and is living with my sister and it gets hard for her to have mum all the time. I do take Mum occasionally but that is tiresome having to move her pack up every couple of weeks to move to another house.

I have a very strained and estranged relationship with my brother. I have no other family other than this brother and we are in our mid 40's. I would rather die alone than ever speak to him again. Too much (awful) history and situations that he cannot be forgiven for. I have friends that are my family and I know that they would never do the horrible things to me that my brother has done in the past. I guess I am the opposite of your situation because I am quite okay not seeing or speaking to him ever again.

I have a younger brother that doesn't give us the time of day. Hasn't for years. Our Mom has passed on, but Dad is an hour from me. My brother decided he didn't want to be around Dad either. Sad, but I am moving forward. Since brother has a high & mighty attitude, I don't need it! The Lord will send others into my life for me to love.

My feelings exactly!

As far as friends, I have been on the receiving end of the "cold shoulder", I am not sure if it would be better to hear the reason why. On the other hand, I have done it as well. We had a friend we stopped seeing as she has a large, obnoxious dog who has to be the center of attention during the whole visit. DH is NOT a dog person. Hints did not work.

With family it hurts much, much, more. DH's oldest daughter went through a divorce 20+ years ago and stopped answering phone calls and letters. We tried to give her some space. Found out through another relative she had remarried and had a second kid. I can not tell you how much that hurts. We tried to re-establish contact with her and got what DH calls "the hate letter", detailing all the ways he was a bad father (basically he got remarried and had 2 more kids) and ending with "you were never there for me". When she ALWAYS knew where to find us and SHE is the one who disappeared. So DH has a GD he has not seen for 15 years and a GS he has never seen.

Family, you gotta love em.

I am in that club also, but he will stop in once a year hugs and then gone and not to be heard from again for a year or more. I just have finally given up- J.

I say let me know!! I am a big girl and can handle it and I won't be rude or take offense. I too feel that technology has taken away personal relationships and it is sad.

I have a 1/2 brother that I refuse to speak too after his unforgivable actions, and my parents have been gone since I was a teenager. I have been blessed with many wonderful people throughout my life who cared for me better than my family every did. That being said I have a rule for "reciprocal communications"; I will contact you 3 times with offers to hang out, dinner, help etc......over a period of time; if I do not hear back from that person I just assume that they are not interested in my friendship and I move along; no hard feelings.

I was raised away from my half brother and I am used to being solo; does not bother me in the least to do things by myself. Over time it seems that so many people are about "what can you do for me" rather than a mutual true friendship, I would rather be by myself with no friends than be around those that are dis genuine.

I guess there are many of us who share the sadness of losing family. Relationships are reciprocal and I have decided that the gifts I have made and the goodies I am baking to deliver on Tuesday will be my farewell to 2011 and farewell to my son as well. After a year of trying through all the channels available - phone, email, texting sending of gifts with no response - this is it. On a happy note I do have a wonderful daughter, a supportive husband and a close relationship with my little sister. It is his loss that he has tossed us away. I wish him well as he travels this life with the self centered b***h he married.

My son's 2nd wife"" created ""all kinds of hell in order to separate him from his entire family and for 15 yrs there was no contact.Well my son has returned and has said how sorry he is for the yrs lost.We spent Thanksgiving together and we talk just about every day Theres no way to reclaim those lost yrs but I am thankful for the now. Michael is my only child and we were always close and I hope and pray we can be that way again.-Miracles happen

Wives and husbands come and go. Maybe your children will come back when the hateful spouse is gone. Another spouse may encourage family ties.

I find it hard anymore to reach out and try to make friends for so many reasons. It used to be so easy. Sometimes I say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing but hey i'm human and not perfect. Sometime socially awkward. I wish when I do, the person I may have upset will call me on it. If you don't like me fine but don't be nice to my face and when I contact you shut me out, tell me. I have my big girl panties on. That is hurtful, reminds me to much of high school.

As for family, I never had a close family growing up and still don't. I received more acceptance from my in-laws than from my own family. I've always accepted that my sister is the favorite and that I am the one who broke up my parents because I was born a girl (yes, my mother said that.) Never mind that fact that I had a half brother born less than two months after I was. Today our relationship is not strong but I check on her and my dad by phone and during good weather when I can will drive over the mountain where they live with my sister. My sister and I have a strained relationship. My youngest son won't even speak to his grandmother because of her lack of intrest in him, his brother and now my grandchildren as they grew/grow. Such a sad thing. Thankfully I have a few very close friends who are my sisters of choice and love me because of who I am and I love them the same. I guess in the perfect world we would all have perfect relationships.

Friends are the family you get to choose. This is my philosophy. :)

Murphy, I am so sorry you have been hurt this way.

I, too, was alienated from my older daughter for several years after the birth of her son when I was unable to be there for her - a story for another time.

After years of unanswered calls and rejected messages, finally I could stand my broken heart no longer. I decided she needed to know about my life, even if she chose not to share hers with me. I began to write her a snail mail letter every Sunday, just a few sentences of happy things, doings of my week, memories of her earlier years, reminiscences of my young years, goals for the future, sweet jokes, things I'd read about in the news....that sort of thing. Light, loving, sweet. Every week.

After four months I received a letter back from her. Glory!
I continued to write to her week after week.
And before 18 months were over she brought her little son, whom I'd not seen in over 5 years, to visit for 5 days with me in Texas. Her younger sister came down to spend 2 days with us and we had the most delightful time all together.

I urge you to hang in there. Reach out, without ANY recrimination or sadness, without pressure or demand, just love as a mother, and I believe you will see him change as he begins to see what he is missing.

I will pray for your family.

Jan in VA

Jan in VA, what a lovely idea. I wonder if that would work for a situation i'm going through right now with the grandaughter, or if her parents would even read her the notes or letters. She is only going to be 3 next month.

All these people who will not give the time of day for whatever reason, send them one last message.............................."I will pray for you!" Then do it!!!

Tammy,
In this case I'd probably write these letters and save them for her rather than sending them at this tender age. If you feel her parents are withholding her from you, wait until she is old enough to understand the facts of your presence in her life to send letters.

Continue to write her on special occasions and send those cards, perhaps, but also write just chatty letters about who you are and who you imagine her to be which you save for her later in her life.

Best to you,
Jan in VA

We all pay a price for the people who leave our lives for whatever reason...sometimes I think that the price that is saddest is "what could have been".

I have a brother that I have seen in a few years, he was in town this summer and never called or came over to either my sisters or my home. It's his lost, when it comes to being that he will need someone, no one will be there for him. I also have a friend who has just stopped talking or seeing me, this has happened twice with her, so as far as I'm concerned this friendship is over for good. I don't need to be hurt again.

I think it is easier to let someone go than to try and hold on to them. I do not have to stop loving them. I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone. I am so much more than I realize and I know if I want to enjoy life and joy, then it's up to me to do so.

That is a truly awesome story. It made me cry.

Murphy 1 - If I didn't know I didn't write your note, I would swear I wrote it !! I have a son who has broken my heart also and I have the DIL from Hell...I have 3 grandchildren who never respond to Birthday Gifts, Christmas Gifts, etc., so I have also decided that I'm done this year.

I have another son and a daughter (whom I live with) and other grandchildren who love me and are grateful for the things I send them or make for them. Sometimes we just have to leave it in God's hands and move on. I feel your pain and share your feelings....

I'm saddend but glad that i'm not the only one with family problems. My mom doesn't understand now why my youngest son will not speak to her. When my grandaughter (oldest sons child) was a year old they were here from ID for her first birthday party. While the party was in full swing at the pizza place my mom called my oldest son and his wife to wish the grandaughter a happy birthday. My youngest son sat there with tears in his eyes because when it was his son's birthday a few months earlier, she didn't even acknowledge it. No card, no calll, no gift. This broke my heart watching this play out. I have given my mom his phone number 5 or 6 times and she always seems to loose it. When the boys were growing up it played the same way, every holiday, birthday, special occasion my sisters kids got the attention and my kids were ignored. She thinks now that she is in her 80's I should make them have some kind of relationship with her, but they are mid and late twenty's. Frankly I don't blame them for their attitueds. I try to cut her a little slack with me because I know what kind of childhood she had growing up, but I have sworn I would do better and try. I never miss a holiday or birthday.
My oldest son's wife doesn't think I do enough to be able to see the grandaughter, like come visit. When we did visit when she was born we left earlier than planned because we were made to feel like intruders. I won't drive back there to be treated that way. Financially right now it is difficult to put that much money aside at once. They were here just before Thanksgiving, stayed with her parents and in the 5 days they were here, we didn't see our grandaughter once. That is why I say, I wonder if the letters will work for bridging that gap of contact with her.

That is why I say I have my sisters of choice. I am closer to them than my own and prefer their company anyways. I also get along great with my in-laws but since the parents passed away everyone has gone their own way and we live in different places.

I hope everyone of us can find a way to move on from the hurt those who move in and out of our lives can cause.

I have a crazy sister and she made communication with my parents who lived a continent away almost impossible. When they passed on, she and my nieces made my life miserable during the funeral time. They have gained my DH's wrath forever. I call her on holidays but never in front of my DH. She is my sister and she must be very unhappy with herself to be so ridiculous. She got mad at me for sending her a birthday card when her religion du jour did not celebrate birthdays. She said I was disrespectful. Who knew? She did not speak to me for 15 years. When my parents got older, it was like walking a minefield trying to speak to them. They had to call me when she was not there. I call her because I forgive her. She is my only relative left, except for those horrible nieces.

Luckily for me, I have a wonderful husband and two awesome friends who have the similar problems with their sisters and we get together and laugh and gripe about our siblings. It helps to laugh about it because other than that you will be crying and wondering what is wrong with YOU.

It's really sad when family can't seem to at least be courteous to one another. As with many families we have some serious differences that serve to divide us, but so far we have been able to be civilized and at least avoid confrontation at family gatherings. I do so wish the snide remarks to others that are guaranteed to get back to the one(s) being talked about would quit, but, all I can do is tell the one(s) affected 'consider the source and go on'. Unfortunately some people just seem to bring out the worst in everyone around them.

I as well thought I had good friends in the small town I live in but have found friendships sometimes are not ment to last. Don't know what I have done to be excluded from their circle but it is noticable that I am. I was warned but didn't think it would happen to me since we were such close friends. Just goes to show you that it just doesn't happen in families but with friendships also.

People and family come in and out of our lives all the time. I treasure the times we spent together when things where good between us. I pray for them when they leave me in the dust wondering what happen.The one thing I know for sure is that they don't make or break me. So I just go on being who I am as I like who I see in the mirror every morning. Then I found out I could be broken when my son was taken from me in an auto accident not his fault. Since then I just go on with life loving who wants to share with me and even those who don't want my love. I wish them never to suffer a lost like I did. All else is just bumps in the road. I pray you all have peace and healing this Christmas season.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even understand how hard that is for you.
I may have my difference with people but would never wish them to suffer harm. I firmly believe that to put something out in the universe such as a bad wish for someone, the old saying about what goes around, comes around is true.

Jan in VA thank you for your kind and hopeful words. I keep telling myself this is the last effort and I will let it rest in 2012, then I read what you did and can see that perhaps one day things will be different if I don't close the door completely. It has been 7 years, but maybe as you say I drop a line once in awhile - not letting myself get full of expectation, I might someday be surprised. So as I get ready to deliver the holiday packages and goodies, I will write a note of cheerfulness and let it be. Maybe in a few years, when he reflexs on the wonderful family he has ignored, he will return the effort. Thanks again, I will continue to be hopeful. Grateful for what I have in my small family that is still a part of my life.

Have a happy holiday season and a healthy new year.

Murphy1 aka Nancy

wow.. DH's brother moved in with us for a while (with that dreadful woman-and I do mean it !!)then got a house not far from us. Well he's laid the trip on my DH that he's been away from the family for 20 years due to all the drama caused by the sisters, (so he has to call DH daily and be with DH daily-well considering his whatever she is, I would want out of the house too!!!). DH is the oldest of six of a german family, brother is next then 4 sisters. So he plays that one so he and my DH can be together all the time, I put some of the kibosh to that by telling DH you are not "HIS" kids Dad and grandfather to "HIS" kids, you have kids of your own that need you as well as grands that need you. They are your neices/nephews grand neices/nephews.
I told DH its not his fault his brother stayed away from the family for 20 years and has that dreadful woman on his arm. His brother knew what he got (she is just awful and states some of the nastiest things and untrue things ever(doesn't know how to sew,cook or bake; but tells everyone she does!! thinks all women want her hubby<Gross> and are out to get her!), and how things were with the sisters in his family. But didn't stay in touch with his mom (unless she was in the hospital) or the rest of the family. Everyone tried to call him and keep him in touch with the family, but oh well not the DH's fault at all. So its not a constant battle, I told DH to weigh things and be realistic about life in general and remember it was his brother's wish to stay apart for 20 years not DH's.
Sigh and my family what is left of it emails, mails or calls 5 times a year, for that I am very grateful
Okay off that tangent: I would rather a person tell me we don't click and that be it as a friend than to remain a friend who gossips about me or ignores me !

would you prefer
 

this xmas will be 19 years since i talked to my dad. he remarried to a women he knew for 2 weeks. as long as they were happy okay but then he came over a few weeks after DH went overseas to tell me that nothing existed before him and his new wife (he was part of her family now )and that included me and my family. he has done this before with my bio mom and my sister he took me off the stairs and left her sit there and i never got to see her again until i was 42 years old. with all the things he has done i realize he is the one with the problems. others that have done some of things he has were sent to jail so he figures he got away with it.but i tthink in the end he will get whats coming to him. in the meantime i've learned they're are some people that are just not good and it is okay not to have anything to do with them. the only thing is that the people that know me better believe the lies he tells to them, that hurts.

Agree, agree, Fantastic rule!, and agree!!

I am glad I'm not alone with all this relationship road blocks. I generally don't allow too many people close into my family ciricle. However, a woman at work was going through a very messy separation/divorce. We bonded together like we were sisters, we talked every day, texted each other at night. When her ex suddenly decided he was moving back into the house she had no place to go we offered her our spare bedroom. She stayed with us for 3 months, we took her to California for her 40th birthday.
Enter new boyfriend into her life, now she has zero time for us - we tell her it's fine to bring her boyfriend but we miss her. I was devastated that there was no more emails, no more texts, no visits, no spending time with us. I thought well it's a new relationship I won't interfere she'll come around. Nope after 2 years I've seen them 3 times and that was just to exchange Christmas or Birthday presents. She tells me that nothing as changed with our relationship we're still friends - really?? I've literally spent nights crying my eyes out that she no longer includes me in her life, and the kicker to all of this is her boyfriend's house is 2 mins down the road from mine, she has to drive by my house every time she goes to his place, so there's no excuse. Last Christmas I didn't even get a text saying Merry Christmas I get a text from her 3 days after Christmas to check in, I told her my grandson had to go to the emergency room on Christmas eve. She didn't even ask how he was. I'm at the point now where I really don't care if she calls or visits, and I won't let anyone do this to me again.

I would rather the person did not tell me why the relationship was over. When a family member decided to exclude me after our mother died I could handle it. When he decided he had to tell me why, then I was left with the memory of all of his hateful words which just made the chasm wider. It doesn't take long to realize a relationship is over; but having to forget a bad scene is just something else that I don't want or need. The same is true with a past friendship. Words just make for more regrets.

When I was between 15-22 I use to think people could be friends. But my idea of that term was always different than whomever. As a group my family knows no warmth, that wasn't needed to survive. I just treat people with kindness, and don't expect anything in return but a hard time even from my family. Everyone with whom I have the chance to know over three days have lived down to my expectations.