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Thread: Would you prefer?

  1. #1
    Super Member valsma's Avatar
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    Would you prefer?

    That someone tell you the truth if you just don't click or remain silent and pretend that you don't exist?

    Personally I would rather have someone tell me that we just don't click as friends. Ignoring is much more hurtful and rude. Besides if there were a reason, it would be something I can work on.

    This is just something I have noticed in this so called technology age. It appears people don't have to deal with people face to face anymore so it is okay to be rude. This happens in personal as well as work life. Saddens me that the internet has done this because it is so much easier to discard people's feelings through the internet.

    Just an observation.
    Tammy

    Life Is A Banquet and Most Poor Suckers Are Starving!

  2. #2
    Super Member Murphy1's Avatar
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    It is even worse if it is your son. Because he doesn't answer emails, texts, phone messages or acknowledge gifts sent, this is super hurtful. We had a wonderful, no stress relationship for 32 years, then he married a woman who didn't want us in the picture. Soooo I think of what it must have been like for moms over one hundred years ago when their sons left for parts unknown. They must have wondered about them, just as I do, but then they didn't have iPhones, computers and digital imaging to keep in touch. I wonder what my son's excuse is? Sadly, when we were my son's age, my husband and I only had one parent (my Mom) still living. It is harder I think to realize our son has both parents, but he has chosen to throw us and his sister away. I wonder if regrets will ever cross his mind. I don't think I will ever know. Has this happened to others here?
    Murphy1
    For our wonderful Golden Retriever adopted in March of 2010.

  3. #3
    Super Member Annya's Avatar
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    My elder brother has done that as well. He ignores our existence and mums as well. She is not a well woman and is living with my sister and it gets hard for her to have mum all the time. I do take Mum occasionally but that is tiresome having to move her pack up every couple of weeks to move to another house.

  4. #4
    Super Member auntpiggylpn's Avatar
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    I have a very strained and estranged relationship with my brother. I have no other family other than this brother and we are in our mid 40's. I would rather die alone than ever speak to him again. Too much (awful) history and situations that he cannot be forgiven for. I have friends that are my family and I know that they would never do the horrible things to me that my brother has done in the past. I guess I am the opposite of your situation because I am quite okay not seeing or speaking to him ever again.
    No one has ever become poor by giving. - Anne Frank
    Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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  5. #5
    Power Poster Mariposa's Avatar
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    I have a younger brother that doesn't give us the time of day. Hasn't for years. Our Mom has passed on, but Dad is an hour from me. My brother decided he didn't want to be around Dad either. Sad, but I am moving forward. Since brother has a high & mighty attitude, I don't need it! The Lord will send others into my life for me to love.
    Be a blessing to others, as you may entertain angels unaware!

  6. #6
    Super Member auntpiggylpn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariposa View Post
    I have a younger brother that doesn't give us the time of day. Hasn't for years. Our Mom has passed on, but Dad is an hour from me. My brother decided he didn't want to be around Dad either. Sad, but I am moving forward. Since brother has a high & mighty attitude, I don't need it! The Lord will send others into my life for me to love.
    My feelings exactly!
    No one has ever become poor by giving. - Anne Frank
    Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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  7. #7
    Super Member ptquilts's Avatar
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    As far as friends, I have been on the receiving end of the "cold shoulder", I am not sure if it would be better to hear the reason why. On the other hand, I have done it as well. We had a friend we stopped seeing as she has a large, obnoxious dog who has to be the center of attention during the whole visit. DH is NOT a dog person. Hints did not work.

    With family it hurts much, much, more. DH's oldest daughter went through a divorce 20+ years ago and stopped answering phone calls and letters. We tried to give her some space. Found out through another relative she had remarried and had a second kid. I can not tell you how much that hurts. We tried to re-establish contact with her and got what DH calls "the hate letter", detailing all the ways he was a bad father (basically he got remarried and had 2 more kids) and ending with "you were never there for me". When she ALWAYS knew where to find us and SHE is the one who disappeared. So DH has a GD he has not seen for 15 years and a GS he has never seen.

    Family, you gotta love em.

  8. #8
    j
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    I am in that club also, but he will stop in once a year hugs and then gone and not to be heard from again for a year or more. I just have finally given up- J.

  9. #9
    Senior Member tallchick's Avatar
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    I say let me know!! I am a big girl and can handle it and I won't be rude or take offense. I too feel that technology has taken away personal relationships and it is sad.

    I have a 1/2 brother that I refuse to speak too after his unforgivable actions, and my parents have been gone since I was a teenager. I have been blessed with many wonderful people throughout my life who cared for me better than my family every did. That being said I have a rule for "reciprocal communications"; I will contact you 3 times with offers to hang out, dinner, help etc......over a period of time; if I do not hear back from that person I just assume that they are not interested in my friendship and I move along; no hard feelings.

    I was raised away from my half brother and I am used to being solo; does not bother me in the least to do things by myself. Over time it seems that so many people are about "what can you do for me" rather than a mutual true friendship, I would rather be by myself with no friends than be around those that are dis genuine.
    Lisa

  10. #10
    Super Member Murphy1's Avatar
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    I guess there are many of us who share the sadness of losing family. Relationships are reciprocal and I have decided that the gifts I have made and the goodies I am baking to deliver on Tuesday will be my farewell to 2011 and farewell to my son as well. After a year of trying through all the channels available - phone, email, texting sending of gifts with no response - this is it. On a happy note I do have a wonderful daughter, a supportive husband and a close relationship with my little sister. It is his loss that he has tossed us away. I wish him well as he travels this life with the self centered b***h he married.
    Murphy1
    For our wonderful Golden Retriever adopted in March of 2010.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Murphy1 View Post
    It is even worse if it is your son. Because he doesn't answer emails, texts, phone messages or acknowledge gifts sent, this is super hurtful. We had a wonderful, no stress relationship for 32 years, then he married a woman who didn't want us in the picture. Soooo I think of what it must have been like for moms over one hundred years ago when their sons left for parts unknown. They must have wondered about them, just as I do, but then they didn't have iPhones, computers and digital imaging to keep in touch. I wonder what my son's excuse is? Sadly, when we were my son's age, my husband and I only had one parent (my Mom) still living. It is harder I think to realize our son has both parents, but he has chosen to throw us and his sister away. I wonder if regrets will ever cross his mind. I don't think I will ever know. Has this happened to others here?
    My son's 2nd wife"" created ""all kinds of hell in order to separate him from his entire family and for 15 yrs there was no contact.Well my son has returned and has said how sorry he is for the yrs lost.We spent Thanksgiving together and we talk just about every day Theres no way to reclaim those lost yrs but I am thankful for the now. Michael is my only child and we were always close and I hope and pray we can be that way again.-Miracles happen

  12. #12
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    Wives and husbands come and go. Maybe your children will come back when the hateful spouse is gone. Another spouse may encourage family ties.

  13. #13
    Super Member valsma's Avatar
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    I find it hard anymore to reach out and try to make friends for so many reasons. It used to be so easy. Sometimes I say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing but hey i'm human and not perfect. Sometime socially awkward. I wish when I do, the person I may have upset will call me on it. If you don't like me fine but don't be nice to my face and when I contact you shut me out, tell me. I have my big girl panties on. That is hurtful, reminds me to much of high school.

    As for family, I never had a close family growing up and still don't. I received more acceptance from my in-laws than from my own family. I've always accepted that my sister is the favorite and that I am the one who broke up my parents because I was born a girl (yes, my mother said that.) Never mind that fact that I had a half brother born less than two months after I was. Today our relationship is not strong but I check on her and my dad by phone and during good weather when I can will drive over the mountain where they live with my sister. My sister and I have a strained relationship. My youngest son won't even speak to his grandmother because of her lack of intrest in him, his brother and now my grandchildren as they grew/grow. Such a sad thing. Thankfully I have a few very close friends who are my sisters of choice and love me because of who I am and I love them the same. I guess in the perfect world we would all have perfect relationships.
    Tammy

    Life Is A Banquet and Most Poor Suckers Are Starving!

  14. #14
    Super Member Peckish's Avatar
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    Friends are the family you get to choose. This is my philosophy.

  15. #15
    Super Member Jan in VA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Murphy1 View Post
    It is even worse if it is your son. Because he doesn't answer emails, texts, phone messages or acknowledge gifts sent, this is super hurtful. We had a wonderful, no stress relationship for 32 years, then he married a woman who didn't want us in the picture. Soooo I think of what it must have been like for moms over one hundred years ago when their sons left for parts unknown. They must have wondered about them, just as I do, but then they didn't have iPhones, computers and digital imaging to keep in touch. I wonder what my son's excuse is? Sadly, when we were my son's age, my husband and I only had one parent (my Mom) still living. It is harder I think to realize our son has both parents, but he has chosen to throw us and his sister away. I wonder if regrets will ever cross his mind. I don't think I will ever know. Has this happened to others here?
    Murphy, I am so sorry you have been hurt this way.

    I, too, was alienated from my older daughter for several years after the birth of her son when I was unable to be there for her - a story for another time.

    After years of unanswered calls and rejected messages, finally I could stand my broken heart no longer. I decided she needed to know about my life, even if she chose not to share hers with me. I began to write her a snail mail letter every Sunday, just a few sentences of happy things, doings of my week, memories of her earlier years, reminiscences of my young years, goals for the future, sweet jokes, things I'd read about in the news....that sort of thing. Light, loving, sweet. Every week.

    After four months I received a letter back from her. Glory!
    I continued to write to her week after week.
    And before 18 months were over she brought her little son, whom I'd not seen in over 5 years, to visit for 5 days with me in Texas. Her younger sister came down to spend 2 days with us and we had the most delightful time all together.

    I urge you to hang in there. Reach out, without ANY recrimination or sadness, without pressure or demand, just love as a mother, and I believe you will see him change as he begins to see what he is missing.

    I will pray for your family.

    Jan in VA
    Jan in VA
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    peacefully colors my world.
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  16. #16
    Super Member valsma's Avatar
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    Jan in VA, what a lovely idea. I wonder if that would work for a situation i'm going through right now with the grandaughter, or if her parents would even read her the notes or letters. She is only going to be 3 next month.
    Tammy

    Life Is A Banquet and Most Poor Suckers Are Starving!

  17. #17
    Junior Member linken's Avatar
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    All these people who will not give the time of day for whatever reason, send them one last message.............................."I will pray for you!" Then do it!!!

  18. #18
    Super Member Jan in VA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by valsma View Post
    Jan in VA, what a lovely idea. I wonder if that would work for a situation i'm going through right now with the grandaughter, or if her parents would even read her the notes or letters. She is only going to be 3 next month.
    Tammy,
    In this case I'd probably write these letters and save them for her rather than sending them at this tender age. If you feel her parents are withholding her from you, wait until she is old enough to understand the facts of your presence in her life to send letters.

    Continue to write her on special occasions and send those cards, perhaps, but also write just chatty letters about who you are and who you imagine her to be which you save for her later in her life.

    Best to you,
    Jan in VA
    Jan in VA
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    peacefully colors my world.
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  19. #19
    Super Member rusty quilter's Avatar
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    We all pay a price for the people who leave our lives for whatever reason...sometimes I think that the price that is saddest is "what could have been".

  20. #20
    Super Member decky's Avatar
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    I have a brother that I have seen in a few years, he was in town this summer and never called or came over to either my sisters or my home. It's his lost, when it comes to being that he will need someone, no one will be there for him. I also have a friend who has just stopped talking or seeing me, this has happened twice with her, so as far as I'm concerned this friendship is over for good. I don't need to be hurt again.

  21. #21
    Senior Member Anna.425's Avatar
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    I will always vote for the truth.

    I sit on both sides of this fence. I had a close friend (she was a bride's maid at my wedding) who just up and told me to get lost. We saw her after the wedding and then when we moved back to the area I was pregnant and we got together for lunch with her. That was the last time we ever saw her. I received a letter with really vague reasons why we couldn't be friends any more. Stuff like, our values have changed. WHAT? HOW? Never an answer. The only thing that I could figure out is that she was single and didn't feel like she had anything in common with a couple with a baby. It hurt so much more not really knowing why she walked out of our lives. It took me years before I truly got over it and it stopped hurting. The thing of it that really made me angry wasn't that she hurt me but that she hurt my husband as well. Thanks to Facebook we reconnected later in our lives (she was married with a kid although her daughter is half the age of mine) and she explained that she was just too immature at the time that she walked out. We really haven't reestablished a friendship.

    The other side is that DH doesn't speak to his family at all. It was a choice that he made, I never would have asked him to walk away from his family. I do have to say that our lives are a lot easier without them. His father is a selfish, bigoted, sexist man who I don't really think it would have been safe for my daughter to be around. I know the brother isn't safe to be around and the sister is psychotic! His mom can be problematic however she has really tried to grow and she was a good grandma to my kids when they were little. I make sure to check in on her and go to lunch every so often.

  22. #22
    Super Member Wanabee Quiltin's Avatar
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    I think it is easier to let someone go than to try and hold on to them. I do not have to stop loving them. I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone. I am so much more than I realize and I know if I want to enjoy life and joy, then it's up to me to do so.

  23. #23
    Senior Member lonestardreams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jan in VA View Post
    Murphy, I am so sorry you have been hurt this way.

    I, too, was alienated from my older daughter for several years after the birth of her son when I was unable to be there for her - a story for another time.

    After years of unanswered calls and rejected messages, finally I could stand my broken heart no longer. I decided she needed to know about my life, even if she chose not to share hers with me. I began to write her a snail mail letter every Sunday, just a few sentences of happy things, doings of my week, memories of her earlier years, reminiscences of my young years, goals for the future, sweet jokes, things I'd read about in the news....that sort of thing. Light, loving, sweet. Every week.

    After four months I received a letter back from her. Glory!
    I continued to write to her week after week.
    And before 18 months were over she brought her little son, whom I'd not seen in over 5 years, to visit for 5 days with me in Texas. Her younger sister came down to spend 2 days with us and we had the most delightful time all together.

    I urge you to hang in there. Reach out, without ANY recrimination or sadness, without pressure or demand, just love as a mother, and I believe you will see him change as he begins to see what he is missing.

    I will pray for your family.

    Jan in VA
    That is a truly awesome story. It made me cry.

  24. #24
    Senior Member ShabbyTabby's Avatar
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    Murphy 1 - If I didn't know I didn't write your note, I would swear I wrote it !! I have a son who has broken my heart also and I have the DIL from Hell...I have 3 grandchildren who never respond to Birthday Gifts, Christmas Gifts, etc., so I have also decided that I'm done this year.

    I have another son and a daughter (whom I live with) and other grandchildren who love me and are grateful for the things I send them or make for them. Sometimes we just have to leave it in God's hands and move on. I feel your pain and share your feelings....
    Families are like old quilts....although they tend to unravel at times...each can be stitched back together with love.

  25. #25
    Super Member valsma's Avatar
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    I'm saddend but glad that i'm not the only one with family problems. My mom doesn't understand now why my youngest son will not speak to her. When my grandaughter (oldest sons child) was a year old they were here from ID for her first birthday party. While the party was in full swing at the pizza place my mom called my oldest son and his wife to wish the grandaughter a happy birthday. My youngest son sat there with tears in his eyes because when it was his son's birthday a few months earlier, she didn't even acknowledge it. No card, no calll, no gift. This broke my heart watching this play out. I have given my mom his phone number 5 or 6 times and she always seems to loose it. When the boys were growing up it played the same way, every holiday, birthday, special occasion my sisters kids got the attention and my kids were ignored. She thinks now that she is in her 80's I should make them have some kind of relationship with her, but they are mid and late twenty's. Frankly I don't blame them for their attitueds. I try to cut her a little slack with me because I know what kind of childhood she had growing up, but I have sworn I would do better and try. I never miss a holiday or birthday.
    My oldest son's wife doesn't think I do enough to be able to see the grandaughter, like come visit. When we did visit when she was born we left earlier than planned because we were made to feel like intruders. I won't drive back there to be treated that way. Financially right now it is difficult to put that much money aside at once. They were here just before Thanksgiving, stayed with her parents and in the 5 days they were here, we didn't see our grandaughter once. That is why I say, I wonder if the letters will work for bridging that gap of contact with her.

    That is why I say I have my sisters of choice. I am closer to them than my own and prefer their company anyways. I also get along great with my in-laws but since the parents passed away everyone has gone their own way and we live in different places.

    I hope everyone of us can find a way to move on from the hurt those who move in and out of our lives can cause.
    Tammy

    Life Is A Banquet and Most Poor Suckers Are Starving!

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