Would you prefer?
12-11-2011, 08:55 PM
#31
Super Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Folsom, CA
Posts: 1,548
Jan in VA thank you for your kind and hopeful words. I keep telling myself this is the last effort and I will let it rest in 2012, then I read what you did and can see that perhaps one day things will be different if I don't close the door completely. It has been 7 years, but maybe as you say I drop a line once in awhile - not letting myself get full of expectation, I might someday be surprised. So as I get ready to deliver the holiday packages and goodies, I will write a note of cheerfulness and let it be. Maybe in a few years, when he reflexs on the wonderful family he has ignored, he will return the effort. Thanks again, I will continue to be hopeful. Grateful for what I have in my small family that is still a part of my life.
Have a happy holiday season and a healthy new year.
Murphy1 aka Nancy
Have a happy holiday season and a healthy new year.
Murphy1 aka Nancy
Originally Posted by Jan in VA
Murphy, I am so sorry you have been hurt this way.
I, too, was alienated from my older daughter for several years after the birth of her son when I was unable to be there for her - a story for another time.
After years of unanswered calls and rejected messages, finally I could stand my broken heart no longer. I decided she needed to know about my life, even if she chose not to share hers with me. I began to write her a snail mail letter every Sunday, just a few sentences of happy things, doings of my week, memories of her earlier years, reminiscences of my young years, goals for the future, sweet jokes, things I'd read about in the news....that sort of thing. Light, loving, sweet. Every week.
After four months I received a letter back from her. Glory!
I continued to write to her week after week.
And before 18 months were over she brought her little son, whom I'd not seen in over 5 years, to visit for 5 days with me in Texas. Her younger sister came down to spend 2 days with us and we had the most delightful time all together.
I urge you to hang in there. Reach out, without ANY recrimination or sadness, without pressure or demand, just love as a mother, and I believe you will see him change as he begins to see what he is missing.
I will pray for your family.
Jan in VA
I, too, was alienated from my older daughter for several years after the birth of her son when I was unable to be there for her - a story for another time.
After years of unanswered calls and rejected messages, finally I could stand my broken heart no longer. I decided she needed to know about my life, even if she chose not to share hers with me. I began to write her a snail mail letter every Sunday, just a few sentences of happy things, doings of my week, memories of her earlier years, reminiscences of my young years, goals for the future, sweet jokes, things I'd read about in the news....that sort of thing. Light, loving, sweet. Every week.
After four months I received a letter back from her. Glory!
I continued to write to her week after week.
And before 18 months were over she brought her little son, whom I'd not seen in over 5 years, to visit for 5 days with me in Texas. Her younger sister came down to spend 2 days with us and we had the most delightful time all together.
I urge you to hang in there. Reach out, without ANY recrimination or sadness, without pressure or demand, just love as a mother, and I believe you will see him change as he begins to see what he is missing.
I will pray for your family.
Jan in VA
12-12-2011, 07:57 AM
#32
Super Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Quilting, crocheting, sewing and crafting in my Sewing Room...Peaceful and wonderful !!
Posts: 5,317
wow.. DH's brother moved in with us for a while (with that dreadful woman-and I do mean it !!)then got a house not far from us. Well he's laid the trip on my DH that he's been away from the family for 20 years due to all the drama caused by the sisters, (so he has to call DH daily and be with DH daily-well considering his whatever she is, I would want out of the house too!!!). DH is the oldest of six of a german family, brother is next then 4 sisters. So he plays that one so he and my DH can be together all the time, I put some of the kibosh to that by telling DH you are not "HIS" kids Dad and grandfather to "HIS" kids, you have kids of your own that need you as well as grands that need you. They are your neices/nephews grand neices/nephews.
I told DH its not his fault his brother stayed away from the family for 20 years and has that dreadful woman on his arm. His brother knew what he got (she is just awful and states some of the nastiest things and untrue things ever(doesn't know how to sew,cook or bake; but tells everyone she does!! thinks all women want her hubby<Gross> and are out to get her!), and how things were with the sisters in his family. But didn't stay in touch with his mom (unless she was in the hospital) or the rest of the family. Everyone tried to call him and keep him in touch with the family, but oh well not the DH's fault at all. So its not a constant battle, I told DH to weigh things and be realistic about life in general and remember it was his brother's wish to stay apart for 20 years not DH's.
Sigh and my family what is left of it emails, mails or calls 5 times a year, for that I am very grateful
Okay off that tangent: I would rather a person tell me we don't click and that be it as a friend than to remain a friend who gossips about me or ignores me !
I told DH its not his fault his brother stayed away from the family for 20 years and has that dreadful woman on his arm. His brother knew what he got (she is just awful and states some of the nastiest things and untrue things ever(doesn't know how to sew,cook or bake; but tells everyone she does!! thinks all women want her hubby<Gross> and are out to get her!), and how things were with the sisters in his family. But didn't stay in touch with his mom (unless she was in the hospital) or the rest of the family. Everyone tried to call him and keep him in touch with the family, but oh well not the DH's fault at all. So its not a constant battle, I told DH to weigh things and be realistic about life in general and remember it was his brother's wish to stay apart for 20 years not DH's.
Sigh and my family what is left of it emails, mails or calls 5 times a year, for that I am very grateful
Okay off that tangent: I would rather a person tell me we don't click and that be it as a friend than to remain a friend who gossips about me or ignores me !
12-12-2011, 09:49 AM
#33
Super Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: ks
Posts: 1,112
would you prefer
this xmas will be 19 years since i talked to my dad. he remarried to a women he knew for 2 weeks. as long as they were happy okay but then he came over a few weeks after DH went overseas to tell me that nothing existed before him and his new wife (he was part of her family now )and that included me and my family. he has done this before with my bio mom and my sister he took me off the stairs and left her sit there and i never got to see her again until i was 42 years old. with all the things he has done i realize he is the one with the problems. others that have done some of things he has were sent to jail so he figures he got away with it.but i tthink in the end he will get whats coming to him. in the meantime i've learned they're are some people that are just not good and it is okay not to have anything to do with them. the only thing is that the people that know me better believe the lies he tells to them, that hurts.
12-12-2011, 11:08 AM
#34
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Bursa, Turkey
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by tallchick
I say let me know!! I am a big girl and can handle it and I won't be rude or take offense. I too feel that technology has taken away personal relationships and it is sad.
I have a 1/2 brother that I refuse to speak too after his unforgivable actions, and my parents have been gone since I was a teenager. I have been blessed with many wonderful people throughout my life who cared for me better than my family every did. That being said I have a rule for "reciprocal communications"; I will contact you 3 times with offers to hang out, dinner, help etc......over a period of time; if I do not hear back from that person I just assume that they are not interested in my friendship and I move along; no hard feelings.
I was raised away from my half brother and I am used to being solo; does not bother me in the least to do things by myself. Over time it seems that so many people are about "what can you do for me" rather than a mutual true friendship, I would rather be by myself with no friends than be around those that are dis genuine.
I have a 1/2 brother that I refuse to speak too after his unforgivable actions, and my parents have been gone since I was a teenager. I have been blessed with many wonderful people throughout my life who cared for me better than my family every did. That being said I have a rule for "reciprocal communications"; I will contact you 3 times with offers to hang out, dinner, help etc......over a period of time; if I do not hear back from that person I just assume that they are not interested in my friendship and I move along; no hard feelings.
I was raised away from my half brother and I am used to being solo; does not bother me in the least to do things by myself. Over time it seems that so many people are about "what can you do for me" rather than a mutual true friendship, I would rather be by myself with no friends than be around those that are dis genuine.
Agree, agree, Fantastic rule!, and agree!!
12-12-2011, 02:22 PM
#35
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 976
I am glad I'm not alone with all this relationship road blocks. I generally don't allow too many people close into my family ciricle. However, a woman at work was going through a very messy separation/divorce. We bonded together like we were sisters, we talked every day, texted each other at night. When her ex suddenly decided he was moving back into the house she had no place to go we offered her our spare bedroom. She stayed with us for 3 months, we took her to California for her 40th birthday.
Enter new boyfriend into her life, now she has zero time for us - we tell her it's fine to bring her boyfriend but we miss her. I was devastated that there was no more emails, no more texts, no visits, no spending time with us. I thought well it's a new relationship I won't interfere she'll come around. Nope after 2 years I've seen them 3 times and that was just to exchange Christmas or Birthday presents. She tells me that nothing as changed with our relationship we're still friends - really?? I've literally spent nights crying my eyes out that she no longer includes me in her life, and the kicker to all of this is her boyfriend's house is 2 mins down the road from mine, she has to drive by my house every time she goes to his place, so there's no excuse. Last Christmas I didn't even get a text saying Merry Christmas I get a text from her 3 days after Christmas to check in, I told her my grandson had to go to the emergency room on Christmas eve. She didn't even ask how he was. I'm at the point now where I really don't care if she calls or visits, and I won't let anyone do this to me again.
Enter new boyfriend into her life, now she has zero time for us - we tell her it's fine to bring her boyfriend but we miss her. I was devastated that there was no more emails, no more texts, no visits, no spending time with us. I thought well it's a new relationship I won't interfere she'll come around. Nope after 2 years I've seen them 3 times and that was just to exchange Christmas or Birthday presents. She tells me that nothing as changed with our relationship we're still friends - really?? I've literally spent nights crying my eyes out that she no longer includes me in her life, and the kicker to all of this is her boyfriend's house is 2 mins down the road from mine, she has to drive by my house every time she goes to his place, so there's no excuse. Last Christmas I didn't even get a text saying Merry Christmas I get a text from her 3 days after Christmas to check in, I told her my grandson had to go to the emergency room on Christmas eve. She didn't even ask how he was. I'm at the point now where I really don't care if she calls or visits, and I won't let anyone do this to me again.
12-12-2011, 02:51 PM
#36
Super Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Bosque County, Texas
Posts: 2,709
I would rather the person did not tell me why the relationship was over. When a family member decided to exclude me after our mother died I could handle it. When he decided he had to tell me why, then I was left with the memory of all of his hateful words which just made the chasm wider. It doesn't take long to realize a relationship is over; but having to forget a bad scene is just something else that I don't want or need. The same is true with a past friendship. Words just make for more regrets.
12-15-2011, 12:39 AM
#37
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 264
When I was between 15-22 I use to think people could be friends. But my idea of that term was always different than whomever. As a group my family knows no warmth, that wasn't needed to survive. I just treat people with kindness, and don't expect anything in return but a hard time even from my family. Everyone with whom I have the chance to know over three days have lived down to my expectations.
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