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Thread: Santa's contract change....funny!

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only areas North of the Mason-Dixion Line and Non-succesionist States. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
    However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

    1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

    4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

    5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

    8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

    9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run’d Over by a Reindeer.”

    Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus

  2. #2
    Super Member amandasgramma's Avatar
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    ROLMAO!!!! FUNNY!

  3. #3
    Super Member isnthatodd's Avatar
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    Thanks. I'm from the south and it all sounds perfectly truthful to me!

  4. #4
    Super Member C.Cal Quilt Girl's Avatar
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    I don't know where these come from but, do enjoy reading.

    Thanks for the laughs !! Merry Christmas

    PS keep in mind your in the south :)

  5. #5
    Super Member 2 Doods's Avatar
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    LOL!
    Merry Christmas!

  6. #6
    Power Poster CarrieAnne's Avatar
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    LOL!

  7. #7
    Super Member Melinda in Tulsa's Avatar
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    Well rats! You are giving away our southern secret traditions!

  8. #8
    Banned
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    I have been waiting forever for a redneck christmas. Thank you for sharing this. tooooooo funny.

  9. #9
    Junior Member Mellina's Avatar
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    YEE HAW I agree...

  10. #10
    Super Member grammiepamie's Avatar
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    Can't wait to see him! Yea Ditter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. #11
    QazyQltr's Avatar
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    Too funny. Thanks again :-)

  12. #12

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    I Love those southern comforts lol lol

  13. #13
    Power Poster sueisallaboutquilts's Avatar
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    Oh Ditter, you find the funniest stuff! Merry Christmas, my funny friend :D

  14. #14
    Super Member Chasing Hawk's Avatar
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    LOL too funny!!

  15. #15
    Super Member
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    Great! Thanks for another one Ditter!

  16. #16
    Senior Member Boscobd's Avatar
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    Love it!!

  17. #17
    Super Member Nanjun's Avatar
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    Lol Bubba Claus sounds like a Louisiana cajun!!

  18. #18
    Super Member katyquilter's Avatar
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    Too funny. Thanks for a goos laugh to start my Christmas Eve Day. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good day!!

  19. #19
    Super Member katyquilter's Avatar
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    Actually, that's a "good laugh" - I hate this laptop keyboard!!

  20. #20
    Super Member k9dancer's Avatar
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    Git 'er done!

  21. #21
    Junior Member
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    You always make me laugh. Keep 'em coming.

  22. #22
    Power Poster sandpat's Avatar
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    Thats tooo funny!!! :lol::lol: And just the other day I heard a song on the radio about Rudolph being sick and his cousin "Leroy" taking over his duties. Leroy wears overalls...it was hilarious!

  23. #23
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    As a Southerner that sounds normal. the only thing is the pepsi with the moonpie, Atlanta is the home of Coke. the drink not the smoke. I just hope he keeps his mason jar full of moonshine away from the elves.

  24. #24
    Super Member Aurora's Avatar
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    Ditter you scare the begeebees out of me -- so I laughed so hard, I cried.

  25. #25
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    So funny!! Thank You - Ditter. May you and yours have a wonderful and blessed Christmas.

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