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I know every situation is different, but aren't group sewing sessions, retreats, etc so that we can learn from each other and help each other? I don't encourage doing her work for her, and talking while someone is teaching must be discouraged, but I vote for the loving sisterhood method.
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Originally Posted by SingerSewer
(Post 7116255)
It is not our intention to be rude to her but we really would like to get the point across that she has to take care of herself and not expect others to stop and help her. Which ordinarily turns into doing most of it or helping her remove stitches. Just tell her. Don't let her behavior ruin it for others. Maybe she acts like this because it works for her. No one has corrected her so far, so she will continue. |
Originally Posted by faykilgore
(Post 7117554)
I know every situation is different, but aren't group sewing sessions, retreats, etc so that we can learn from each other and help each other?.
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I think there is and old adage about you cant be taken advantage of unless you let it happen. I think I would give her my thoughts/advice if asked, but then Politely tell her it is her project if she wants to learn she needs to be the one to rip or fix her stitching herself--it is just like we tell our kids--they won't learn from their mistakes if we fix it for them.
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Originally Posted by bearisgray
(Post 7116253)
Duct tape?
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I run quilting retreats and go to two of my own that is just for fun. We do have "Needy Nellie" at the one that I call my vacation. I make an announcement at the beginning of the retreat.. "We are not a teaching retreat,this is for our enjoyment to relax and get our stuff done. If you are having trouble with something,you must wait til someone can help you for 5 mins and only 5 mins. They are here to do their work, not yours" The first time I made this announcement you could hear the sigh of relief from the room. It took care of the problem. Hope this helps
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Sounds like the overly dependent, helpless type who (usually) does not realize what a pest she's being or how she robs others of their time in order to help her. I agree, it's a tough situation, but there's no help for it other than being pretty frank with her. She won't improve otherwise (may not anyway) and the rest of you are inconvenienced and irritated. If the instructor can't or won't lay it out for her then I think a couple of you are going to have to, in your "kind but honest way" as my boss used to say.
We used to have one of these in our family -- but she was more of an attention hog than truly helpless...and frankly, more than a little lazy. When we couldn't ignore her, we were fairly honest....though I hate to tell you, she never really changed. It was just who she was. |
Originally Posted by quiltingcandy
(Post 7116484)
It really does fall on the instructor or the "enablers" to deal with the situation. When I was an instructor and a mentor I had to learn there are these people in every class. So when they interrupt, if I am in the middle of a training there is a chance someone else has the same question so answer the question as best I could. If we were is a part that required them to do something, I would walk around and see if anyone needed assistance. In a sewing situation and a person has to un-sew, then I would say I will be back when you have finished taking out what needed to be undone, just raise your hand so I know when you are ready. It took me a while to learn to instruct and not do for someone. If people are doing it for her, then she won't learn. If she asks someone to do it for her then they need to say no - she has to do it in order to learn.
No one needs to be rude, they just need to instruct rather than do for her. Once she finds out no one is going to do it for her, she will either leave or learn to do it herself. If you are not the instructor, then direct her to the instructor for assistance. She may have to wait but again, she will learn or leave. |
I would think the instructor would announce early in the class that you are limited for time and preparation, so would those having trouble just listen and seek help after the class is over. They can take notes, and please, do not interrupt until there is a Q/A time
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Good luck and we want to know all about your retreat.
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We have a few like that. I usually just stay in my own "zone" mentally. My favorite is the one who brings as little as she can and then wants to borrow things from everyone else.
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We had a lady like this she has just discovered she has hearing loss and is very quiet now with her new hearing aid.
she never listened to instructions but wanted teachers help all the time at the expensive of the rest of a class. |
I was trying to teach a lady to mend her hubby's pants one time and she kept crying deep sobs.... I finally realized she needed to back up and do more basics before she could go on. So I got in her face and told her I could see that she knew some about sewing but was struggling. So I asked her if I could show her a few basic things because some times we have to go back before we can go on. I told her not to feel insulted but I was going to show her really basic stuff and maybe she could practice what I would show my grand daughters. So we did it. After a while she figured out where her problem areas were and she was going to town sewing. No more tears and she did the original project in no time. BTW she is left handed and struggled because of it. I showed her how it was easier to sew left handed than right and she calmed down. Maybe since you care about her, you can figure out where she needs real help and meet that need before the program. Maybe she just is needy for attention. Spend some time with her outside of class.
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It's tough. From my experience, when you make a general announcement then the one who needs to hear it thinks it is about others and not her so she ignores it, and the ones who do not need it think it is about them and overcorrect. An example would be discussing tardiness. Those who are tardy will not think you are talking to them and continue to be tardy, and those who are on time will arrive even earlier. Same with talking...those who talk will ignore the comment and those who barely talk will clam up. It's hard to talk to the specific individual, but sometimes it's the best way (or only way to get results).
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Direct does not equal mean. If the OP's group is unanimous in their behavior, it will work. Just decide ahead of time how you will behave if you are asked for help. "Sorry, I am working on my own stuff right now and don't have time to help for an hour or so (or until break or until lunch ...)." She will go to the next person (after looking at you like a kicked puppy), and they need to say the same thing. When she gets to the "but it will only take you a minute," just repeat. I have always called it the broken record approach, and it really does work. If you aren't willing to confront the problem directly, nothing will change.
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Originally Posted by Aurora
(Post 7118269)
We have a few like that. I usually just stay in my own "zone" mentally. My favorite is the one who brings as little as she can and then wants to borrow things from everyone else.
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a retreat supposed to relax you? After reading all of the replies and trying to imagine myself in the offender's shoes, I've thought of another possible solution.
Take with you, a few sewing or quilting books (or a few light novels or whatever). If possible, take one you wouldn't mind letting her keep. When she starts badgering you to do her work, kindly tell her you NEED this time to focus on yourself and your own project. Apologize, if it makes you feel better, for not being able to focus on her and her chosen project. Then offer to let her borrow one of your books, to help her relax and pass the time. Perhaps everyone should arrive, armed with books or magazines. If she's simply lonely, this will allow her to be a part of the group, while learning the craft. If she's only looking for someone else to work for her, this will serve as a gentle but firm refusal. I also still think someone should offer to tutor her privately, at a later date (for a fee). |
We put out a list of retreat etiquette rules to everyone. This way there is no confusion and everyone is treated the same way, so no hurt feelings. Its all possibly her way of getting attention she would not normally be around and misses.
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Originally Posted by Aurora
(Post 7118269)
We have a few like that. I usually just stay in my own "zone" mentally. My favorite is the one who brings as little as she can and then wants to borrow things from everyone else.
Good thing! At one class where we were squished together because the instructor had added extra students, the woman next to me kept using my 6" x 12" ruler. As we were packing up, my ruler had disappeared. I asked her to return my ruler and she said it was hers!!! I said please get it out and showed her my name right there in red permanent ink. She didn't say "Sorry." :shock: |
Originally Posted by squires1042
(Post 7118766)
We put out a list of retreat etiquette rules to everyone. This way there is no confusion and everyone is treated the same way, so no hurt feelings. Its all possibly her way of getting attention she would not normally be around and misses.
Everyone's comments have been excellent. It is not the lady isn't probably nice. It is just hard to know when she is constantly talking and/or wanting help. She has a very needy personality. Most of the rest of us are pretty independent. We ask others questions. We borrow things that are returned immediately. I have faith it will all work out for everyone's benefit. Thank you |
Originally Posted by bearisgray
(Post 7116253)
Duct tape?
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Originally Posted by QultingaddictUK
(Post 7120987)
Had to have a grin at that solution because there really is no tactful one, it seems that she may be lonely and wants attention and no matter what you say will end it two ways, 1) She won't take a blind bit of notice or 2) She will get tearful and upset and leave making you all feel guilty and petty.
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I agree with Divo, I would see if the leader would talk to the group before going to retreat. Does she have any one friend in the group that could help her one on one? " You said She needs to take care of it herself and not expect others to stop and help her." She might have learned that before quilting-expecting others to just stop what there doing and help her. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way if you, explain in the right way, she might understand that some of us started out on our own. That know one just one day cut out our our pieces and said make a quilt. This coming from someone that can't measure with rulers but can still quilt. The point is her making the quilt makes it hers and tell her if you do it, it defeats the purpose of her making it.
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We never have one person in charge -- just one who thinks she is in charge. Basically, at a retreat we just all do our own thing because we all brought projects we wanted to complete. This does not mean that we aren't willing to offer support and encouragement. We had one member who went on a retreat with us and we were playing cards one night and she told us that the retreat was the best vacation she had ever had. That was such a surprise to hear and made us all very happy. The last retreat we went on was about two years ago and there were only six of us and we all worked and played together. It was great.
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How about the person, not the instructor, who gives unsolicited advice from their perspective. I have always been taught to keep advice to oneself unless someone actually asks for it. Have good manners changed that much?
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How about setting specific and limited times to get or give help. Say at 10:30 there will be a half hour help break and then again at 2:00 or whenever. Post the times. That way if she really needs help she gets some but the time frame is limited. Then don't let the time run longer than the stated time. Or not by much.
Then if she asks at another time you can point to the next available help time and you can tell her the rest of the time is ME time, which is why you come. |
We had a woman like that in our year-long BOM class. She would be talking while the instructor was explaining things...then ask a question which had to do with what she missed due to her constant talking. Sometimes it was as if she was talking to herself out loud. It was so very annoying and nothing seemed to stop her! Then, she would say, oh well, I'll just get (the instructor) to help me privately on Wednesday. She would bring her work to the store and this instructor more or less did her blocks for her. Personally, that's between the student and the instructor. However, I was paying $15.00 for each and every class and the constant talking nearly caused me to lose my religion! Now I find out this same person is attending a very expensive, 2-day workshop this weekend that I have been looking forward to for months. I'm PRAYING she will behave herself or that I can behave myself!!!!
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I have a mean streak so I wear my shirt to class that says "I quilt because punching people is frowned upon". I am usually left alone and not distracted by anyone wanting to chit-chat. :p Of course that mean streak has also led me to say to the instructor "I'm sorry can you repeat that? I could hear over the other talking" and shoot a look at the offender. But that was only in one instance when EVERYONE was irritated by the one wanting special attention. I actually had 2 people thank me after class for shushing her. Sorry but if I can find the time from a full time job and farm chores, pay my hard earned money to take a class, and you're going to be rude and inconsiderate, I am going to call you out on it. In a polite way, that is.
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Originally Posted by bearisgray
(Post 7116253)
Duct tape?
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Originally Posted by auntnana
(Post 7122275)
Amen! Growing up my sister was nicknamed the mouth of the south she talked so much. I'm kinda quiet so way back when my beau first met her it took him by surprise. One night (after a couple of years fitting in with the family) she was particularly chatty and he said "Silence in golden. Duct tape is silver. Pick one." I nearly wet myself laughing so hard at the look on her face! Now it's an inside joke and he just says "gold or silver"?
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A solution may be at hand...one of the ladies who is going also teaches classes locally. She has been helping the lady with all of her cutting, etc. when she takes a class or just needs help. She is going to help the lady in need to have everything cut out before we leave and make sure her projects are simple and easily completed. I am sure the lady in need will want to have her station near to her.
Thanks for all of the great comments and suggestions. I have laughed at some, shook my head at a few and found out we really aren't as special as I thought. Seems lots of people deal with the same sort of thing. Please continue to post. We also have one who wants to take over everything. No matter who is doing a program she jumps right in and wants to do the teaching. We do get VERY aggravated with her. Again, a nice woman but... |
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Originally Posted by SingerSewer
(Post 7122874)
A solution may be at hand........
Please continue to post. We also have one who wants to take over everything. No matter who is doing a program she jumps right in and wants to do the teaching. We do get VERY aggravated with her. Again, a nice woman but... |
We actually use a bell for our guild meetings. It helps but doesn't make for quiet long!
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I just say" that doesnt work for me right now. maybe later if i have time"cmaras1234
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At our retreats we had one or two that
were annoying, talking constantly. We assigned tables and put them together It made one fuss that she couldn't get anything done but she never realized she was guilty of the same behavior. We were blunt with her. It didn't help She is no longer in the guild. The other one learned from the experience and has become less chatty during sewing times. You should not let one person spoil it for others. Try kind first then be firm with I don't have time to help you now. Sometimes it will work and sometimes you will lose a member |
Originally Posted by bcross
(Post 7126911)
At our retreats we had one or two that
were annoying, talking constantly. We assigned tables and put them together It made one fuss that she couldn't get anything done but she never realized she was guilty of the same behavior. We were blunt with her. It didn't help She is no longer in the guild. The other one learned from the experience and has become less chatty during sewing times. You should not let one person spoil it for others. Try kind first then be firm with I don't have time to help you now. Sometimes it will work and sometimes you will lose a member |
You make me afraid to say anything at the new group I have joined. I'm the least experienced and now I'm wondering if I should even try to join a group.
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Originally Posted by tkhooper
(Post 7127122)
You make me afraid to say anything at the new group I have joined. I'm the least experienced and now I'm wondering if I should even try to join a group.
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Originally Posted by tkhooper
(Post 7127122)
You make me afraid to say anything at the new group I have joined. I'm the least experienced and now I'm wondering if I should even try to join a group.
Why would you go to a week end retreat to sew if you want things quiet? Stay home if you want quiet. |
It has less to do with being "quiet" than with interrupting the person next to you and making it impossible for her to hear what the instructor has to say. When I've paid good $$$ for a class, I don't want to miss a single minute of it.
If you don't understand what the teacher is saying, please raise you hand and ask her directly. She may answer your question right away especially if others are nodding their heads; or if it's obvious you're in over your head, she may tell you she'll come help you with she finishes with that step. Please make sure when you take a class that you understand how to sew with your machine and how to do basic quilting. When you sign up for a class at our LQS, the class is rated "Beginner" "Intermediate" "Advanced": if you're not sure, ask the shop owner if the class is right for you. If you've been taking other classes or BOMs, she'll either know your quilting expertise or she'll know the correct questions to ask you to advise you. At the same time, don't be afraid to stretch your wings. Bottom line: don't ask questions of the person next to you in the middle of instruction. Please. Retreats: each one is different. Read the notice that was sent out and if you have questions about how it works, ask! Some retreats are very chit-chatty and some aren't. You should also ask if everyone brings treats to share; or a little something to give to everyone else (example: an ort bag): you don't want to be embarrassed by being the only one treat-less or present-less. |
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