Help! How do you handle someone at classes and meetings
 

How do you handle someone at meetings and classes that is constantly talking and wants everyone to stop and help her all of the time? She will be spending four days with us and we need to know how to tell her we want to have fun and get things done and we aren't her private tutors.

Thank you...all help, suggestions, along with what not to do is appreciated.

How about telling her just that. She sounds like you will have to be direct and clear before she would get the point.

How long has she been able to get away with this? If you have a speaker or some one in charge of the classes and/or meetings tell them to instruct everyone to write down their questions and comments for after the session. And if she starts talking before the session is over with tell you'll talk after the meeting because you want to hear what's going on now. if you have to show her the hand (stop sign) and say "later".

Boy that is a tough situation! I am thinking like Tartan that when you all get there the leader should just do some housekeeping tips/rules and mention that everyone is there to get things done and have fun working on THEIR projects. Maybe you could mention that in the evening (or whatever time) that after lunch/dinner that you can set aside an hour for anyone wanting to participate in lending a hand or giving/getting help but that it is strictly on a voluntary basis.

This should be the meeting leader and/or instructor's role to politely inform the group that questions will be addressed at the end of the session or the end the end of a particular topic's discussion. It should also be that person's responsibility to, as politely as possible, admonish the offender as needed. Gentle reminders - 'Betty, we'll cover that in a bit' kind of thing. When/if the gentle reminders are not sufficient, it is still the leader/instructor's role to have a one-on-one conversation with that person.

It should not be the meeting or class attendees responsibility to resolve this issue. As a fellow attendee the best you can do is ignore the person and hopefully they will eventually get the message. Or, as quietly as possible so as to not disturb others if she asks you a question directly, flat out tell her you are trying to hear the speaker and then continue to ignore her.

You have to be tough with these kinds or the problem just continues to grow.

Duct tape?

Somehow I messed up in my description. We deal with the person at meetings and classes as best we can. We are going on a four day retreat and she has signed up to go. In meetings and in classes she asks the instructor to come and help. If they can't then she pesters/bugs/etc. the people around her to help her. Sorry for not making myself more clear.

It is not our intention to be rude to her but we really would like to get the point across that she has to take care of herself and not expect others to stop and help her. Which ordinarily turns into doing most of it or helping her remove stitches.

Bring along an extra seam ripper?

Ask ahead of times for scheduled breaks - then make a sign you can hold up that says " I will help you later during the break - I want to see/hear what the instrucor is doing now."

She may be looking for attention. Do you know anything about her home life?
But that still makes her challenging to be around.

Is she hearing impaired and missing a lot ? I know I've had some hearing loss and am missing more of what is being said. If so, maybe she could sit in front to be closer to the instructor?

Perhaps the leader of your group can either speak to the entire group before leaving for the retreat, or if nothing is scheduled send out an email or letter to members stating that the retreat is someplace that quilters will have less or no one there to help with issues... something worded like that. Or... simply take this individual aside and talk with them one on one. I have had this happen in a classes I was teaching machine embroidery. It is a very difficult issue to deal with. Especially, when the person throws an actual temper tantrum in class.... very embarrassing for all! Luckily, she left after that!! I hope this situation can be resolved for you so that everyone involved in this retreat can have a nice peaceful time.. or should I say, pieceful..

The thing that struck me in your first post is that she wanted you "to stop" and help her. You need to tell her that as soon as you finish yours, you will help with hers. You don't need to complete the entire project before you help, but you need to complete that step or come to a good spot where YOU can pause. It's one of those things where if you guys have been encouraging this behavior for a while, you will need to be very firm.

Easy. Just say I don't want to when she asks you to stop and help her. It works every time.

We have someone in our group (we meet weekly) who is 'needy' as described. We also have others in the group that are 'enablers'. I am not one of the enablers so I ignore the requests - the ones in the group who feel best by helping - take care of her and interrupt their projects. Were I to be the instructor I would have guidelines at the beginning of the retreat/class.

I like this suggestion the best. Remember the old saying, Do unto others and you would want done to you. Is it really necessary to go out of your way to hurt her feelings?? I think not especially if she doesn't see it coming.

I agree with Tessagin and ManiacQuilter2. Do the loving thing.

It really does fall on the instructor or the "enablers" to deal with the situation. When I was an instructor and a mentor I had to learn there are these people in every class. So when they interrupt, if I am in the middle of a training there is a chance someone else has the same question so answer the question as best I could. If we were is a part that required them to do something, I would walk around and see if anyone needed assistance. In a sewing situation and a person has to un-sew, then I would say I will be back when you have finished taking out what needed to be undone, just raise your hand so I know when you are ready. It took me a while to learn to instruct and not do for someone. If people are doing it for her, then she won't learn. If she asks someone to do it for her then they need to say no - she has to do it in order to learn.

No one needs to be rude, they just need to instruct rather than do for her. Once she finds out no one is going to do it for her, she will either leave or learn to do it herself. If you are not the instructor, then direct her to the instructor for assistance. She may have to wait but again, she will learn or leave.

I agree with doing it the loving, gentle way. When you get to the retreat, you might say to her...I am so excited to get some of my projects done or I am so excited to learn from this teacher. I don't know her techniques at all. I am going to be very focused this weekend and learn a lot. That will let her know that you need to learn too and can't be her go-to person. Also, try to sit on the other side of the room from her. It sounds bad, but she then becomes someone else's problem. Some people don't find it as hard to say I can't help you at this time, you'll have to wait.

I think it would help if you know if she really needs the help or is she just the "center of attention" type of person? If she asks a question and you can point to a specific place in the pattern and tell her to go over that, it explains it much better than you can, maybe that would be a first step to breaking the neediness. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she is doing it. If she needs to rip something, just tell her what to do after she gets finished and return to your own work. The bottom line is to get her to be responsible for herself. Everyone needs to back off and let her fix her mistakes and rip out her own stitches. You can do this without being mean. As a southern lady, it is hard for me to be mean to anyone and too easy to be helpful, which actually hurts the person.

In classes or in meetings, I would personally have no trouble saying, 'I'm sorry, I can't help you right now, I'm trying to listen and keep up myself.' Perhaps someone could have an aside with the retreat instructor, letting her know there is an attendee who tends to bother those around her during classes. The instructor probably has experience with this and has her own method of dealing with it.

That's what I'm saying......

I would say something to the effect that all of us have come to the retreat as a chance to sew/make progress /complete our own projects and I need to devote my attention to my own work as this is a dedicated time I have paid for to be able to sew and If she's stuck on her current project maybe she should choose something else to work on as everyone wants to keep going on their own work. I would not stop my work to help her unless I really wanted to as everyone will just feel resentful and she will continue to do this if she gets the attention she desires.

Remember It is OK to say NO I don't want to do that. That is what we teach our children.

Delightful!!! I know the feeling!!

When I was once in a class with this problem, the teacher actually stopped talking dead in her tracks and pointedly waited until the aggressor stopped.:p :D In our case it literally took about 5 times before the woman caught on....and I bet you'd all know her (nationally) if I outted her by name. ANYbody can be guilty of this rude and frustrating behavior.:rolleyes:

Jan in VA

I don't think you should grin and bear it. you're paying for the same thing she is. she needs to be told directly. she is passive/aggressive and will continue to do this unless confronted. she may continue after being told. thinking she's 'cute' or something. I've dealt with people like this b4. it's annoying. if she continues, then flat out tell her to pipe down. she wouldn't have a problem telling you. Maybe let the instructor know too. but I bet the instructor has dealt with her type b4. good luck and have fun.

Maybe you could offer to tutor her, after the retreat or class. Be sure to mention how much you charge, per hour. :thumbup:

I love your first answer Bearisgray

I agree with Neesie. The best thing is to say that you haven't got time right now as you are struggling with new concepts/time yourself but you usually charge Xamount of dollars per hour for instruction and if she'd like to get in touch after the retreat to book some lessons...

jan always has sound advice and my vote is with her. The offender eventually "gets it" and no one else has to be the one to correct the situation except the offender. Works on kids, doesn't it?

sandy

Hmm...reminds me of public school days. Has to be at least one in every class. Wishing you the best with the "patience" word!

I used that technique in public school situations and it worked every time. It is not anyone's business what her home life is like or why she acts that way. The whole idea of a class is to learn and if she's there for any other reason, it should be her problem. IMHO

That works for the instructor/leader - does it work if the person is sitting next to you?

That works for the instructor/leader - does it work if the person is sitting next to you?

We go to retreats usually twice a year. There are a couple of us who always sit together. there is one girl who drives my friend up a wall because she is constantly needing assistance; which leaves no time for my friend to go. It got to the point that one day, Nancy looked at Marianne and said" for God's sake, just go sew the darn thing and stop worrying about it". We were not the only ones who noticed Nancy's frustration. All the guild members were wondering what was wrong with her. This woman no longer comes with us but I would have to say, I will be glad to help you at another time, but right now, I need to work on my own project.

Forget all of the wherefores and why's. Just tell her straightout. It ususlly takes about three times but they do get it.

Personally I think the poster might be the one? HA,HA.

Someone needs to ask her what project she is bringing to the retreat. Ask her if she is going to be able to manage it on her own because there will NOT be someone there to help.....everyone will be doing their own project. Maybe someone could suggest a project for her that she could manage, or help her pick out one. Be honest with her, and tell her you think this project might be beyond a quilt retreat. Tell her she will need more than one project....just because she may get stuck and there will not be anyone to help her. This girl might be over zealous and not realize it. She probably does not realize how much time she is taking up of other peoples time. Ask her to watch someone else tackle the same problem.
I did not read all the responses to this thread so I may have repeated this. Just my 2Cents.

Tough situation. I'm the complete opposite in classes, I want as little help as possible. It sounds like this lady has always been like this -- kind of afraid to "just go for it" when doing something and if you make a mistake, you rip out and go at it again. I honestly think you and your friends just have to firmly, but politely, tell her that you're all there to learn and that you can't keep stopping on your project to help her with hers. You and the others should tell her that after you have had time to work on your project, you will, when you take a break, help her a little, but that her project is hers and maybe she should do less talking and observe others and what and how they are doing whatever they are doing. Good luck whatever you ladies decide to do.

Too funny. I could hear my husband saying that. He was a high school teacher.
Michelle

Don't sit by her, get to the room early and try to sit on the end of the table and make sure someone else is on the other side of you besides her. Sitting in the front row helps too because you can see and hear the instructor better. That is how I've avoided Chatty Cathy.

In this situation, kindness won't help. It will reinforce the behavior not correct it. I can say No and Stop nicely, and mean it.

I agree with being direct and explaining that her constant talking, questions, etc. are disturbing. This can be done with kindness, but be firm.

just be honest...kindly Tell her the best way for her to learn is to do it herself... tell her that you are trying to figure out your own problem now (she will think its a quilting problem but she will be the problem you are trying to figure out :) )