I have something that has been gnawing at me and I would like some opinions.
I have a friend that I've known for over 50 years. At least I have always thought that we were friends - even close friends - in fact, I have considered her my best friend.
We retired here and so did they but they are not having a good time of it because her husband still needs to work - and in his line of work (tree service) he has only gotten a few small jobs here. In fact they probably will wind up moving back to Florida. That's ok - whatever they need to do.

My question is about a quilt. I found 'cat' prints from Indiana to Florida to Missouri (like the cats in Paris, etc) and made them a quilt large enough for their king size bed. Granted it's 'just' a 9 patch but I really wanted to showcase the fabrics because she's a real cat lover.
I stippled the quilt - not the world's greatest job because I'm still learning the machine quilting part. Presented the quilt to them for Christmas.

We went over one day about two months ago and there's this quilt on the couch as a slipcover - NOT artfully draped on the back or arm of the couch but used as PROTECTION for the couch so her husband could lounge on the couch and not make it dirty from tree jobs or working on the diesel trucks and stuff.

Frankly I was speechless - I didn't say anything because I think I was in shock. How would you have reacted?
The same way I did and still not say anything?
I asked another friend - a quilter - and she said yes she'd be hurt but 'once you've given the quilt the other person can do as they please'....
Is that really how it goes?
Let's put it this way - will she EVER get anything else from me? A resounding NO.
Janeen

Well, this HAS happened to me...and you do have to keep the attitude, "once its theirs....its theirs to do with as they please"

My sister put the quilt I made for her (hand embroidered with their names and date they married, along with names and dates of birth of their two children with embroidered babies, wedding rings etc....) and I went to their house only to find it on their bed, where it belonged, BUT with THREE huge dogs laying on the bed on top of the quilt and it was FILTHY with hair, and paw prints.....I was SICK!!!

But, didn't say a word....just let it go and yes, I have given her other things but never anything I put so much work into as I did that quilt....

SO....I feel for you....its wrong but there really isn't anything you can do or say to them that will make you feel any better.

I have no idea how I would have reacted....I would have been surprised like you were. I've found the older I get, the more likely I am to say what I think, soooooooo....maybe I would have said something that I would have regretted later. I think it's best you didn't say anything. On the bright side, she must like it to be using it where everyone will see it.

I have a friend who made a lovely appliqued poinsettia quilt and gave it to her son and his wife only to find it folded and in the dog's bed.

Once it leaves your hands, It's out of your controll.
Think of it this way, What if you never saw it again.

Janeen...Here is my 2cents!:))First...a friend of 50yrs plus is amazing!! Now...as far as walking in her house and seeing the quilt drapped on the couch...(I would have had a cow!! W/a poker face!) But, honestly when someone does not do our art...they have no idea how much time or money is invested!! If she did...I'm sure it would not be on the couch. Her thinking is it is pretty and loves for it to be seen...just not the way you or I would think it to be:)). Since you did not say anything....here's what I'd do...I'd either go buy her a 'throw' that is nice for her couch and then show up for coffee and always choc. chip cookies:)) And, I'd explain to her you bought a throw to match her living room and then nicely explain the 'value' of that quilt. How much money do you have in it alone would shock her! Or, do as I would at this point...nothing!! When I give a good gift...I also include a letter of care instructions and value. Reason being...you avoid this kind of thing. Now, remember...it is a gift and it is given freely...w/no stipulations. If she wants to put it on her couch...then so be it. The thing about our art is we enjoy doing it...moments like these just give us an opportunity to make more:))LOL Just remember...DO NOT take this personal...I'm sure she does not mean it to be a bad thing towards you...again, she must LOVE what you did to showcase it for all to see. And, in that thought and thinking...you should feel honored!! Skeat

I agree that once given, they may do with it as they please, but I would never, ever make anything personal again for them. I also would probably have said something I would regret, so good thing it wasn't me!

wow, I'm finding out that there's "lots of them out there" 8) :wink:

I have seen my share of old 'antique' quilts that have been mistreated - I guess I just didn't expect it..... and I didn't expect it from her - she is an artist after all - just ask her....

I'm really naive in a lot of ways - we were taught to respect people, other peoples' stuff (don't walk in the neighbor's yard, etc) and to take care of our own stuff - don't walk on the books, don't dogear the pages, etc etc...

Just the other day I saw a quilt folded and on a swingset (not hung to dry) so I don't know.....
I guess I'll just make them and give them to family, hopefully show some at the guild show, and stack them up in my sewing room and not worry about them.... once I'm gone the kids can divvy them up.....
thanks everybody, nice to know I'm not the only one!

So sorry that your hard work was not appreciated the way you wanted it to be. People just do not realize the work that goes into a quilt. I hooked a rug for my mother - took me forever - and she gave it to her dog!!! I didn't say a word and even laugh about it now.

Well if I had seen the same thing I would have been upset. I also would have said something along the lines of, "Oh, by the way did I include care instructions for the quilt I made for you. If not I can jot it down real quick." I think that would have been a diplomatic way of showing your unhappiness without losing a friend.

Here is another perspective.

Well, she liked it enough to use it daily and have it seen in a promanent way. (Not saying it is the prettiest or best way to display it. Her husband lounges in its comfort on a daily basis. It is loved in their way.

I received a quilt from an in-law that had so many stipulations attached that it is now in a closet packed away - only seen when I clean the guest room closet. Do I appreciate the work that went into it. Yes. Do I have the fear in me that if something happens to it I will never hear the end to it. Yes.

Maybe it is just a matter of perspective.

This may sound very selfish on my part but, this is exactly the reason I DO NOT give out very many quilts. The only ones I have given out are to two people with new babies and 3 to my mother and 1 to my sister. I have however made over 60. Yes, I have kept the other 54 to myself. I have spent so much money and time on them that I could not bear to see them abused.

I would have reacted the same way you do.

I probably would have had a cow too! But like others, not have said anything or I would have lost the person as a friend. Sometimes my mouth engages before my brain.
Plus, like imaquilter says......money and time........something you really cannot replace.
With that said...IF someone is wanting a quilt and I know their lifestyle and KNOW they will take care of it, I will go the extra mile to get BETTER quality fabric for them and take a little more time. For those that don't really take care of their things,,,,well...$1 fabric, here I come, along with the most simplest pattern.
I have given away ALL of my quilts and the people who have recieved them have cherished them dearly. I have, however, included Care Instructions with some of them, as a "just in case".

But, with your quilt...I think it's a lesson learned. Just horrible what they have done, I, for one would LOVE to have that fabric you used.....I love kitty fabric!!

I say "lighten up!" Do you think the quilters long before us worried if their quilts were being used "properly?" No, the quilts they crafted were meant to be useful and functional. If you treasure a specific quilt, KEEP IT! Cherish it and only display it on rainy day! Keep it tucked in a closet so your kids sell it for $5 when you're gone. I'm being a bit cynical, but I've actually been to estate sales and bought gorgeous, unused quilts for $5! And I bet that long gone quilt maker is happy I got that quilt! At least it went to a true fan.

I love quilting and I know the time and effort it takes to make a quilt. Not to mention the money involved. But remember, our friends and family don't get it! Buy them a cheapie quilt at a discount store. You'll be spreading "the quilt word" without stressing yourself out. If the dog lays on it, you'll know that pup has good taste in bedding! Life is too short not to use the good china or quilts!

you know, you are absolutely right :P

Brings to mind when my hubby and I went to check out a new quilt shop (yes, he TAKES me to quilt shops... and Joanns.... and Hancocks..... and...... :mrgreen: )...
there was an absolutely GORGEOUS dahlia quilt top 'artfully arranged' and I mentioned it... the owner of the shop said these adult children of the woman who made the quilts (she had more) came in and asked her did she want to buy these quilts that their mother had made..... because if she didn't want them, they were going to BURN them because they all used blankets and had no need for the quilts.....
yep, tada... you made me feel better in one fell swoop! :wink:

i use to tell my hus. thatbefore i give anybody one of my quilts they need to fill out a application. you know just to be sure it is going to a good home. that dogs or cat or horse doesn't tear it up. or have grape juice all over it. i'm sure ya'll understand. my sis. did the same to me ,her dog had puppies on the quilt i gave to my neice , then she threw it away. now that hurt needless to say she never got another quilt from me. only gift cards.

You know, I would be happy she is using the quilt. I make quilts to be used and am happy when I see people using my quilts. I like it when quilts get used so much they are worn out. Exactly why I made it.

I have had the experience of going to a flea market and seeing a quilt I made as a special order for someone being used as a ground cloth. I was upset, but decided that they had paid for it.

I made a quilt for my daughter's dance teacher who we have known for 10 years. She is known for never saying thank you or even telling her dancers if she doesn't care for the gift. I figured by making her a quilt with colors from her home, she would react differently and really appreciate everything she has done for my daughter. Well, her response was NOTHING!!! Never a thank you note, email, or any response of any kind. I evn asked her if she received the quilt and she replied that it was still in her car!!! Who does that?

In contrast, I gave a quilt to a couple for their wedding shower, and she called me that afternoon to express how grateful she was. She sent a note of thanks, and now I am teaching her to make quilts for her friends and family.

So, when I give a quilt to someone now, I give it because it gives me pleasure to do something for someone else. If they don't appreciate it is okay because I know my gift came from my heart!!

Nel,

You hit the nail on the head - give it and let them appreciate it or not - the fun was in the making. We have a friend who gives, from her heart, but almost always lays claim to the gift after it's given - by telling us what we can/cannot do with it. OR she constantly reminds us it's from her... I love quilting so much that I want to give away quilts to everybody... I will give to whom I want to and sell to the others. I know some people are offended because I give to some and not them, but I want to do it because I want to not because I feel like I should. If I give a quilt I hope the recipient will use it - hopefully not as a dog blanket, but if that's what they choose... :( ok.

My mother and I have both made quilts for my sons and nephews, They have used them on their beds, took them camping, moved with them wherever they went and used them until they fell apart, that is how much they loved and appreciated them. I guess I feel better knowing my quilt is used instead of just displayed, I think that is why I have really never made a wallhanging quilt. We received a double knit quilt for our wedding and have used it for our picnics, (usually everyday when my children were young) and it reminded me of our good friends that gave it to us. I sure hope she wasn't upset about us using it, because to this day it is 'the blanket' and I hope our grandchildren will be able to use it.
I don't mean to put down yuor feelings, because anyone would feel very disappointed to see their hard work used that way. I wouldn't let it ruin my friendship because those are so much harder work than putting your love into a quilt. Denise

I can understand your feelings but once a gift is given you must let it go in your heart. Think of how you've used the things that people have given you. We got a handmade quilt for our wedding (long before I was a quilter) and used it for several years. Then we got a king size bed and now it is stuffed in a hope chest and only comes out when company comes. Also, someone hand quilted a baby blanket for my daughter and it was stuffed away for a while but has recently experienced a renaissance and is on her bed again. The worst was when she was 4 and cut up a blanket knitted for her by her now deceased grandma. Luckily I was able to have it repaired but I haven't given it back to her yet (she's 7).

In fact even a pottery piece that I bought myself on my honeymoon and love I found in a seldom used cabinet the other day. For now it just doesn't fit anywhere but maybe one day it will.

The funniest was my best friend from growing up. I had given her a raku vase for her wedding. Since we were childhood friends I really misjudged her taste. She had it prominently displayed when we visited but I have a feeling that she stuffed it in the attic after we left because it really didn't fit in with the rest of her decor. What's better? Pretend to like something or to be actually using it and making it a part of their lives?

Life is too short and much of our junk is going to outlive us anyway. Enjoy the fact that they are USING your blanket and it is serving a purpose in the world. and P.S. it's NOT because your stippling wasn't good enough or because a nine patch isn't hard enough ... they just needed something to cover the couch and your thoughtful gift was handy and nice to look at.

I've given away many quilts but for the ones I gave to my grandchildren I did let them know their graduation quilts should be treated with respect. I've given them "car quilts" they can do as they wish with, but the special quilts are just that. Now, granted, I can say that to my grandchildren. I probably wouldn't say it to a friend.
I like the remarks of the lady who said by using the quilt, they were really saying it is special. I have a favorite quilt I use as a chair throw and I just feel good everytime I sit in that chair. Perhaps your friend feels that way when he lays on your quilt. (I hope it is very washable!)
Having them use it beats your kids selling it for 5 bucks when you are gone. :>

I am sorry your feelings got hurt.....Quilts are made to be used...Some of us are more sensitive than other....Don't take it personally...She didn't mean to hurt you...She probablly never made a quilt and knows little about all the hard work you invested in it....
Hugs

True, if it had happened to me I’d probably have said something. I mean, if you can’t talk to a friend you’ve known that long, what kind of friendship is it? Also, a friend would want to know if something was bothering you. You worked hard and are upset; talk to your friend.

As the hymn goes “Death will soon disrobe us all of what we here possess.” That includes quilts as well as friends. You can do little about the quilt now, but how about the friendship? As painful as it is for me to say, a friend is worth more than any quilt.

Don’t let this mess it up, talk.

I have to say, I'm with Chele's way of thinking. When I give a quilt, I tell the recipient to use it, not to put it away and be afraid to enjoy it. I always tell them that if anything ever needs to be sewed or it needs a little fixing, just bring it over and I'll patch it up. That's what people did in the old days. Quilts were washed and washed over and over and used untill they fell apart. That's why I tend to stick to my scrappy quilts and bargain materials. That way, I'm happy to make them and happy to give them too.

I do a fair amount of "donating" quilts as fund raisers for our family reunions (there are 3 a year). I know that the majority of them are displayed- one is on an antique sleigh bed, my sister has 2 in her guest room. They get oohed and aahed over before the raffle- I specifically tell them they are to be used and loved and they are not professionally made. I did have 1 experience with the quilt police picking at my mismatched seams when I was first learning, but a comment to the reunion committee that I wouldn't make anymore quilts because of them and the quilt police were told to either donate a quilt or shut up.

I make my quilts to be used, my sons have them on their beds, my future daughter in law loves the one my son and I made for her. I make baby quilts all the time- big enough to spread on the floor for baby to play on. I don't think I'll ever have the expertise level that many of you do, so I make them to be used. My seams are better, my sewing is better each time. My latest purchases- a new machine and frame and I know my quality will be better too. I'm in it for fun, not to be a quilt police.

Barb

Barb,

You make quilts for family reunions??? What is done with them? How is it determined who gets it? Sounds interesting!!

I have to agree with the ones who say they make quilts to be used. I donate quilts to Project Linus and I imagine each one being chewed on by some child who needs to do that. In fact, I truly hope that each one of my quilts ends up in tattered rags...that way, I know it provided the comfort it needed to when it needed to.

Now I'll agree that this situation is a little different, however..your friend is using the quilt you gave them. Who are we to say how anyone can "use" the gifts we give them....afterall....we did give it away ...and you probably hoped she would use & enjoy it, not put it away in a closet right?

We do the quilt as a raffle. I also have a very talented artist cousin who does a painting every year. We do other baskets, etc. too. The quilt and painting are 1 raffle. It is $10 and you are only allowed to buy 1 ticket. The other raffles- baskets, etc. are $1.00 a ticket and you can buy as many as you want. For the Ide reunion (my Gram's ancestors who settled this area back in the 1700's) it raises about $500 dollars for all the raffles. For my Mom's side of the family- a smal group of about 20 to 30, it raises about $150. For Dad's side of the family we raise about $300.

The money is used to pay for the facility if it is rented, the meat and drink, paper products. We all bring a dish to share. We have games and prizes but the highlight of the day is the raffle. Every year the reunions grow. I'm on the committee for Dad's side and we do a theme and give out silly prizes. Last year was luau and we all dressed up. This year is fiesta and we are busy finding decorations and food ideas. Dad's side fo the family reunion is held at my house, we have a pavilion and tons of parking (we have 34 acres) and I have seating for 55. This year we are adding camping.

Can I be part of your family?? :D

Sounds like a whole lot more fun than one of my family's reunions.. where the oldest generation is still dragging up stuff from THEIR childhood to fight about - we're talking 80-85 YEARS AGO

Sounds like fun reunions... just an aside - you may want to check Oriental Trading for inexpensive decorations... tons of them to choose from. Sounds like a raffle is a good way to raise some money!! Love the idea!!

Janeen- come on over! I have 5 biological sisters, but I can always use another one. (None of them quilt!)

My sister was showing me the O.T. catalog. Since I make the quilt I try to stay away from purchasing anything else, but I like the idea of chili peppers lights.

The quilt this year is a throw (yes, I say that every year and it grows, last year was a queen size). I usually purchase a pattern desinged by a local designer (Endless Mountain Quiltworks in Tunkhannock PA) and make it colors that anyone would like. This year is called Polka Party, a square in a square. My sister helped me pick the fabric- good thing as I would never pick orange and purple. But we wanted fun colors. (and my husband plays the accordian- tons of polkas)

I haven't really picked quilt patterns for the other 2 reunions. I was thinking of the Block of the Month we are doing here as a sampler for Mom's reunion and a "crumb" quilt (now that I know what it is :) ) for the Ide reunion since that's where the quilt police hang out.

I am learning from this site!

I say amen to that! It's true, my grandmas and great great grandma's and so on made quilts all of the time, it was ridiculous how many quilts they could make in a little amount of time. They were all gorgeous too. They treasured them and were proud of them I'm sure but they were made to be used. I agree that a quilt is meant to be used unless you really really want the person to cherish it, then that is different. I have many quilts that have been made and given to me and right now, I only have the one I made on the bed because it's Spring and the dogs are shedding more and they are inside. So, all of my treasured quilts go into the closet until the dogs go back outside. My MIL made me and my husband a wedding quilt that was handsewn and hand embroidered with our names and the wedding date. I don't think that will ever go on my bed...maybe not even for 50 years b/c I treasure from the bottom of my heart but It will be in a display case one of these days around the house...as soon as we get one made. lol.

Well, here I am a quilter and I just threw out the most gosh ugly quilt I ever saw. It was made by my husband's mother who is not know for her sewing skills or decorating. It's not in the trash, it's in the garage to be used to cover some of our plants during the rare frosts which can happen in our gulf coast area. For TEN YEARS, it stayed in my cedar chest and I did have to reach the point of needing room for other things. Since she does love quilts my granddaughter and I made a quilt for her, and recently when we spent a week with her we made another quilt for her. She was so very happy to have her great granddaughter working with her on a quilt. The granddaughter even showed/taught her how to match seams and sew a 1/4 inch seam. She was not insulted and even took her turn at the sewing machine and she did follow her great granddaughter's instructions. She is very proud of these quilts and never fails to metion how she has kept one on her bed and sleeps under it at night. Thank goodness she has never asked about the quilt we just sent to the garage.

Boy this is the dilemma when we put so much of our heart and soul into a quilt, not to mention the time and $

Skeat, I like the idea of the cookies and best of all the letter of care instructions... maybe include a little ditty about the 'heart, soul, time' etc :D cuz mentioning the $ might be considered tacky :shock:

Chele and imaquilter had good thoughts too.

:roll: I have to admit that b4 I became a quilter myself, I thought of quilts as being blankets from grandmas... don't hit me!! So I probably would have been guilty of hurting someone's feelings had I been given a quilt :!: It is a matter of education.

So, if any of you give an 'heirloom' quilt for a wedding gift etc, be sure to include the value of the quilt, even if it is sentimental value! Something similar to what OnTheGo mentioned... I read in a quilt magazine a few years ago that a woman gave a beautiful heirloom quilt to her son and dil as a wedding gift, and when she went to visit them after the honeymoon, the quilt was in the barn for the cats to sleep on...she about fainted! The point of the article was that no one knows the value if you don't tell them.

Education is the key

So far, I've only given quilts to my grandkids. When I finally give them to my adult daughters, they WILL be told the proper way to be respectful to the quilts.... but you can do that with your own offspring

:lol:

Happier days ahead

This dilemma demonstrates character, the recipient's and the giver's. I think no matter what, something made for you should be treated with respect. But-once given, it's out of one's control.
It is SO hard to keep your mouth shut and to take the "high road". She's your friend of fifty years and that's really an accomplishment these days--
so try to laugh about it to yourself. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you.
Education is, indeed, the key.
BTW-I love kitty fabrics, too. To comfort yourself, think of all the fun you had visiting the various quilt and fabric shops when you bought the fabrics! :lol:

There was a time when I would have been really upset, just like you...you put so much of your time and work and love into these handmade things, and it is heartbreaking to see them taken so carelessly.

My sister treats things this way and for years I refused to give her anything handmade after I saw her one day raking ashes out of her fireplace with an oil painting I had done for her.

But I have changed my mind about this. My sister and I are old now and the only ones left alive of our family. I can and will make many more quilts, oil paintings, leatherwork, etc.....BUT I CAN NEVER, NEVER MAKE A SISTER. I will give her tons of quilts and she can wash her truck with them if she chooses...because I love her so much, that's perfectly okay with me.

Well, I hope no one has been thinking that I was heartless in sending my mother-in-laws quilt to the garage. She herself recognizes that it was very bad and has mentioned several times that she really did not know how to make quilts, and she was so excited that we were going to work on a quilt with her during our visit. The next time we visit with her, I will have completely cut out all of the fabric for the squares so our time will be spent in getting the top sewn together. I will probably take my machine and my granddaughter's machine so the three of us can all be sewing. She really was so happy for us to be helping/teaching her. Other family members have always made remarks about how bad her work has been, but this was the first time anyone has shown her a few "tricks" in getting seems press and in which direction to press those seams. This can be attributed to my granddaughter who is very precise in the construction of a quilt square and because of her autism has such an innocent way of conveying her instructions. Also, when some seam does not turn out just right she is very patient in saying such things as, "It takes practice", "It's just a mistake, we can fix it.", "Let me show you what to do" Through out the years my mother-in-law and I have been able to work together on many "sensitive" situations. When her youngest daughter at the age of 18 lost her husband (much older) in a drowning accident and was left with her new baby and two pre-teen step-children, it was my husband, my mother-in-law, and me who went to these children's biological grandparents (it was their son who drown) and worked out the future care for these two children. When my mother-in-law had hip replacement and her body rejected the "hardware", it was me who got up at 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. and drove to her house to give her pain medication injections. Then it was me who got that doctor on the phone and demanded that he see her in the emergency room, and it was me (with two small children of my own) who helped her get kitchen cabinets built to accomodate her use of a wheel chair in the kitchen. I guess all of this is to say that the two of us have a relationship in which we could tell each other that our work was "bad", but more than likely we would be able to offer a resolution to "fix" the problem. You know that quilt in the garage really does have value to us when it prevents Aunt Mary's fig tree from frost.

Hi, I HEAR you, the thing is I love to make & give quilts AWAY, (if not then what? I can't keep them all) I prefer they be treated with respect, but also NOT packed up where no one will see them. like one of the other's said they "LOVE" it in their own way and it's the LOVE you gave with it. :P

Qultnut and nana2.... you have blown me away with the unconditional love that you show and in all that you DO! Rock on, quilt on, love on and on and on!

warm quilt hugs, sue

Janeen,

I feel your pain. many gifts I have given were treated with proper respect and care, some not so much, but life isn't fair. and sometimes we are happily surprised...

...I made a quilt for my hubby to take to the deer lease to use in the stand to keep warm while deer hunting. He never took that quilt out of the house, to this day (21 yrs. later) he keeps that quilt on his recliner to wrap up in when he gets cold. I made the quilt out of animal panels, browns and beige's (like camo) to specifically be used. but the dear sweetie, just couldn't, he said it was tooooo special. it really wasn't but i am thankful he feels that way. just my 2 cents.

Turtlefuss