Food Clues for the Clueless
05-06-2008, 04:01 PM
#1
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: AZ/Utah border
Posts: 2,345
If you have kids bound for college, be sure to go thru this with them first! I about died laughing when my friend sent it.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface Of any
loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth
areas are good indications that your bread Has turned into a
pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or
shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not
fresh.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal
should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond
the Expiration date.
CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce
it on the floor, it has gone bad.
DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like
yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese. Cottage Cheese is spoiled when it starts to
look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but
spoiled milk anyway and Can't get any more spoiled than it
is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is
bleu cheese but you Realize you've never purchased that
kind.
EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the
shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the
refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if You live
with someone or have a maid.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage
you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend
More on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a
calendar in your kitchen.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part
of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will
Probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry
them out with a kitchen knife.
GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it
off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper.
Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it,
the mayonnaise is spoiled.
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray
animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside
your house, the meat is spoiled.
POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or
dense, leafy undergrowth.
RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're
tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
Generally Speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp
when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than
the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or
near your refrigerator to gauge this.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface Of any
loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth
areas are good indications that your bread Has turned into a
pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or
shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not
fresh.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal
should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond
the Expiration date.
CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce
it on the floor, it has gone bad.
DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like
yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese. Cottage Cheese is spoiled when it starts to
look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but
spoiled milk anyway and Can't get any more spoiled than it
is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is
bleu cheese but you Realize you've never purchased that
kind.
EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the
shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the
refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if You live
with someone or have a maid.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage
you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend
More on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a
calendar in your kitchen.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part
of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will
Probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry
them out with a kitchen knife.
GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it
off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper.
Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it,
the mayonnaise is spoiled.
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray
animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside
your house, the meat is spoiled.
POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or
dense, leafy undergrowth.
RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're
tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
Generally Speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp
when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than
the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or
near your refrigerator to gauge this.
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