nancia

irish- feel like i know many chapters of this book! i was almost a 'failure to thrive' child-- my dr kept asking my mom if she was sure i was eating. then at 5 i ballooned. funny, my mom had thyroid problems you would think they would have checked mine. in hs i stayed chunky till jr summer. went into sr year looking slim, and had all the dating skills of a 6 yr old. my first date brought me home at 9 since i wouldn't make out at the drive-in and the movie was lousy' i did the freshman 15, but by then they had checked my thyroid and the weight gain was my incredibly poor diet. then i stopped eating for the next 6 yrs or so. i lived on coffee and cigarettes till i was married and pregnant with my first child, then i gave up the coffee. no one pointed out when you were eating for 2 they didn't mean 2 lumberjacks, and only one of the two was larger than a tootsie roll. i thought it was a great excuse to be self-indulgent and if it wasn't nailed down i ate it. after he was finished nursing i went back to coffee. got my weight down, got pregnant, i think it was the same day. this time i was wiser, gained 1 lb net the whole pregnancy. perfectly healthy baby boy, full term, brain intact and functioning. resumed coffee and cigarette diet. also had several parts removed, but they evidently weren't the ones that weighed anything. lost 35 lbs waiting for our third child. stress diet, she was adopted. i looked great, felt great, and thanked everyone who said i looked wonderful and how did i lose all that baby weight so quickly? lied thru my teeth, and took the compliments. had a miserable accident at work, blew out 3 discs, 1 knee, 1 shoulder and my neck and never hit the ground. if i had when i slipped i probably would only have broken 1 bone, but who knew that slipping and contorting to save yourself is actually more damaging? then i laid on the couch for the next year and a half while they fixed everything but the back. when they finally got to the back the dr surprised me with the 'news' that i was obese. doh! he's kidding, right? they went in front and back to laminate and screw things back together. i got off the couch a month later to move across the country. i could barely walk, but my husband was already there. he took the dogs and the rabbit. my daughter and i flew with the cat. i was miserable. i ate. i'm still very lonely here, but i'm back to my old tricks of not eating. somewhere between my twenties and my fifties that stopped working as a diet. now to get down to 200 was a cause for celebration! i stay right at 200 and the doorway to one-derland. odd days i'm 199, even days i'm 200. gotta love metabolism--anybody got one i can use? i quit smoking 12 years ago. caffeine gives me heartburn, weight watchers works but i can't count. i lost 40 lbs on their core program but they discontinued it when they went to points-plus. i discontinued it when the ww leader hurt my feelings. then my husband became terminally ill. no one told him so he is still living and doing very well. it is possible, just not frequent, for someone to survive pancreatic cancer. i have great hope that one day i will grow up and take full control of my weight problem and my eating style. right now i am re-exploring childhood with oreos, but for some reason it is not causing a weight gain, or, i need a new scale. judging by my wardrobe, the scale is still working. i am thinking april is a good month to give up the sweets of childhood ( darn, that includes easter!) and start behaving like an adult again. my sister and i are now the oldest in the family. thank goodness they only look up to her! the pressure would otherwise get to me.

irishrose

nancia, there is so much hurt in your post. You and I need to cut back on our sweets together. Cookies for you, candy for me. This is the start of Spring - the season of new awakenings. Why not start now? Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today is the first day of the rest of MY life. Today I will limit my candy to 4 Dove dark chocolate Promises. Considering how much candy is in the house, that will be a test. How is Olivia? She must be getting big. New pictures??

Everose

Greetings ladies!!!

irishrose and nancia, it doesn't matter if we have 5# or 50# to loose or to gain weight, we are all working with the same addiction. The problem with ours is that we need to eat to live, most others can give up their addiction and work at the the attitude. I eat my attitude. Am I happy, sad, angry, depressed. Doesn't matter - I eat through all of them. Was funny (not now) when a friend took his life, his friends all stayed sober throughout the ordeal, I ate through it. I was aware what I was doing, but at that time didn't care.

So hang in there ladies - you are loved and appreciated just like you are. We will carry you as long as you need.


Instead of worrying about not eating something, maybe we need to treat ourselves to something good. A manicure, a pedicure, a new hair cut etc., The better I feel inside about "ME", the better my eating is.

Remember after many years of a bad relationship, a friend gave me a T-shirt that read "I LOVE ME". It was finally appropiate.


The Lord gave me another day to enjoy life, so I am going to. Watering the tulips and going to watch them flower and wave to me.

Take care - you are loved.

meanmom

Wow Nancia that is full of a lot of hurt. I hope you can talk to someone and get thru it all. I also eat for my stress and hurt etc. I love my job but really dislike the teacher I work for right now. I feel like she dislikes me. No matter what I do she either criticizes me or ignores me. JUst today I was working with a student (multiple disabilities) while she had part of the class in group time. Another student was out of control and the other aide was dealing with him. One of the students hit another in the group. While the teacher was dealing with him another started fooling around. I said something to him. I was rudely told she would handle it. Not 2 minutes later the same thing happened and the other aide corrected the student in group and the teacher thanked her for her help. The teacher and the other aide are really good friends, they go on vacation together, talk at night, eat lunch together etc. This happens constantly. If a student achieves something new when working with me and I report it the teacher pretty much brushes me off. If the other aide does the same thing she gushes about it. I can't quit as this is the family source of health insurance. The pay is lousy. The school district is cutting jobs like crazy so I am afraid to say anything. Chocolate cures things. I am doing better about the chocolate. According to DR OZ you should allow yourself one treat a week.
MJ my womens world diet is pretty restrictive in my opinion. A few selective meals to choose from. I am losing so a lot so that is good. But I would like to get back to my weight watchers where I have more freedom. I like to cook and do a lot.
Pat

jlwheart

Hi all, I hear your pain Nancia and I support you're hanging in there. I've struggled with my weight for 50 years. I was in WW in '73 and got to my goal weight, but only visited it briefly. I believe we can support each other to be gentle with ourselves while we work to reach healthy weights. That's why I participate in this challenge each month. Everyone who shares tells parts of my story.
Meanmom, I'm sad that you're in a non-supportive workplace. I've been there and it's hard to keep the crap out. One thing that helped me was to keep a log & document the behaviors that trouble you. The log does 2 things: 1-gets it on paper so you aren't carrying it around inside & 2-helps you to see trends & changes over time. But most of all you never know when/if it might be really useful. I was in a work situation where I ended needing to litigate and I got 2x max settlement because I had documented everything. A friend told me to buy a notebook where pgs are stitched in and just date each page & write what happened. Just a thought.
I planned on going to my therapy pool today but heavy, heavy fog over Lake Superior and way too scary so stayed home. My senior driving instructor told our class "the only place you should be driving to in a fog is the ER" Since I don't have to go out in it I don't! But wow it sure make the lake beautiful when it lifted!
We are breaking records here in Duluth for earliest spring EVER! I'm doing well w/food but struggling with camera. Man this digital stuff sure confounds me. I want you all to see the flannel blanket I made. It was so easy and turned out well.
Let's all be gentle with ourselves today - we've earned it!

nancia

thanks, all! i appreciate your support! i stopped trying to control my weight, and dropped off this site, when my mom died in december, thousands of unresolved issues there. i think i'm ready to put that away from me and start putting myself back together. food is a constant in life and probably why we use it to show control, and to act out. we only hurt ourselves, of course, but we do it anyway. i'm trying to switch my addiction to quilting! so far i'm into the buying phase. a distant relative passed 55yrs ago and the money has just been distributed. who knew, there really are long lost relatives that you inherit from! it wasn't a large amount, but money falling from the sky is still spendable. i spend a lot of time on the computer, thanks qb, and have learned the joys of cyber-shopping! i've even memorized my visa number . anyway, i now have a new machine and a sizable stash. i so far like to quilt for swaps. i have met some really wonderful women who have become dear friends! i wonder how many of us are isolated and find friendship and caring here on the qb? quilters seem to be remarkably good people! nice group to belong to! so, cindy, i will be sending you my not-so-fat 1/4 for april. what is the theme/color? and tomorrow i will celebrate the new season by getting a haircut. that is what i am doing nice for me! as to miss olivia! ah, there is my heart!! we skype nearly every day, and her mom says that as soon as olivia sees the computer she lights up and gets excited. she smiles and 'talks' to me and makes my day. i can't be down when i'm 'with' her! the hardest part is her putting her arms out for me to pick her up! i want nothing more! later this spring, or summer i will go see her. right now they are bursting at the seams and need a new house, so i will wait till they get settled! you will have as many pictures as i can download! in the meantime,i will try to find some to share. my dh is my techie, so i'm sure he will 'advise' me (translation: do it for me).
i didn't mean to unload, just sharing where and how my weight issues started and took me to 230. we all come from a background of pain, i suspect. doesn't matter whether it's physical or mental, we still turn to food to comfort and mend us. we are stitching our lives together one patch at a time, cutting out the worn out parts and adding brighter, better blocks! wishing everyone a beautiful, and meaningful new pattern to your life!

MissyGirl

Oh you guys!!! I am so excited! I just got home from the dr office and I now weigh 348.3!!! I have not weighed this little (I know I know...not really little but you know what I mean) in 20 years! I have now 207.7 pounds since I started this journey almost two years ago.

Missy

purplemem

Nanci, JLW, Pat, Judy, I love hearing your stories. They validate, empower me and strengthen my courage.
I started out at 4lb3oz, a premie, and my mom died when I was 3 weeks old. I was adopted by my mom's sister and hubby. I didn't eat, had anemia and multiple health problems. I was fed Pet milk and Karo syrup, (hellooo, fat cells). My weight was normal until right before first grade, which, coincidentally, when sexual abuse began from a family member. I stayed well overweight until 7th grade, when I realized "fat girls" didn't date or have social approval. I stopped eating, existing on Tab, tuna from the can, or boiled eggs. I lost 100 lbs. If I ate a real meal I threw it up. I kept the weight off by not eating until I got "comfortable" with my boyfriend. He dropped me when I went from a size 7 to a size 9. I stopped eating again. For five years I didn't eat except nibbles, enough to sustain. The sexual abuse continued until I married at 18. I started eating then, "safe", and immediately went to 205. I have not weighed under 240 since I was 21. I am 54. My top weight was 350.

Tonight my doctor called. My potassium is dangerously high at 5.9. I am to go to the hospital in the morning to have it rechecked, but in the meantime, I am on a chicken and egg only diet for the next week. No veggies or fruit. This ought to be very odd for my coumadin levels.

nancia

YAY, missy!!! wonderful! don't you love it when your pants keep slipping off?!! i do have experience with that, lol! congrats!! your effort is really showing!!

mj- you always surprise me with your generosity of spirit! we see ourselves in the reflection of others. we need to accept that each of us has gone thru pain and duress to get to where we are and we need to move it away! to start from strength forged over the years. we can do it, and we are strong enough to lift and carry anyone who stumbles or falls!
on a MUCH lighter note: mj--which comes first? the chicken or the egg??? <3

Everose

purplemem, thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope all goes well tomorrow.