Quilter's Legacy question - what would you do?
06-27-2023, 10:00 AM
#21
Super Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 2,490
Originally Posted by peaceandjoy
This is going to sound harsh, so grab the tomatoes to throw...
Many of us bemoan the "stuff" we have around us, whether it is quilting related or other - myself included. Our home is full of it! We have things ranging from small to very large (an aluminum canoe that was my father-in-law's) that will never, ever be used. My husband is unable to let anything that came to him through family go. That canoe has not been used in 30 years, yet it hangs in the garage. I've suggested donating it to a local camp, selling it for scrap metal, giving it away... All were met with a firm "no".
My quilts and fabrics will not likely be wanted by family members. We have a very small family and those who wanted them have been given one or more quilts already. They are all also feeling the pressure of "stuff". The antiques that were our grandparents, and our great-grandparents are not anything that our children want, either.
I am completely okay with things that have no useful value being disposed of. The drawings my children, or grandchildren, have done would be an example. Fabrics will be offered to a couple of sewing friends first, then to my guilds/charity groups. Quilts can be donated to whoever or whatever organization would like them. When I am gone, the enjoyment I got from these things will be done. Just because it had meaning to me doesn't mean that it will - or should - have meaning to anyone else.
Those notebooks might be of interest to a museum or historical society. If not, and the family doesn't want them, either, then they need to be recycled - without guilt.
Many of us bemoan the "stuff" we have around us, whether it is quilting related or other - myself included. Our home is full of it! We have things ranging from small to very large (an aluminum canoe that was my father-in-law's) that will never, ever be used. My husband is unable to let anything that came to him through family go. That canoe has not been used in 30 years, yet it hangs in the garage. I've suggested donating it to a local camp, selling it for scrap metal, giving it away... All were met with a firm "no".
My quilts and fabrics will not likely be wanted by family members. We have a very small family and those who wanted them have been given one or more quilts already. They are all also feeling the pressure of "stuff". The antiques that were our grandparents, and our great-grandparents are not anything that our children want, either.
I am completely okay with things that have no useful value being disposed of. The drawings my children, or grandchildren, have done would be an example. Fabrics will be offered to a couple of sewing friends first, then to my guilds/charity groups. Quilts can be donated to whoever or whatever organization would like them. When I am gone, the enjoyment I got from these things will be done. Just because it had meaning to me doesn't mean that it will - or should - have meaning to anyone else.
Those notebooks might be of interest to a museum or historical society. If not, and the family doesn't want them, either, then they need to be recycled - without guilt.
06-27-2023, 10:12 AM
#22
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 59
I’m trying to figure out how many quilts she made if there are 20 binders…..guessing it’s in the hundreds. What about picking a group — awarding winning, most unusual, favorites if you know, one’s done for family — and have just the pictures made into a book on Shutterfly. A young woman who is like a daughter to me did that for my birthday this year. She had a lot of the pictures already since she managed my web site when I was selling quilts but contacted my DIL for pictures of one’s for my sons and grandsons. I imagine this woman was in a guild….maybe they could help with selection and cost. Guild could hold onto the book as part of its library or give to museum. It seems sad to let all of that go without some record.
06-27-2023, 11:10 AM
#23
Super Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 9,395
I wonder how much of the OP's personal feelings were inserted into her post. It kind of came across as if the husband was uncaring and just wanted all her stuff gone. I wonder if it was actually more along the lines of having all that stuff around was a constant reminder of his incredibly painful loss, and he simply didn't have the bandwidth to deal with it. In general, men are much more lost after losing a spouse than women are, and they also have a tendency to shut down emotionally in order to "be strong".
I watched a similar situation unfold in my own family. My in-laws live in another state. My MIL called me and told me that my FIL was in the hospital with the flu. She said it like it was a weather report, not that big of a deal, he'd be better and home in a day or two. Well, the truth came the next day from my SIL, who called and told my husband to come say goodbye NOW, because FIL was actually in kidney failure. This told me that my MIL was in denial. So my husband went to see his dad, while I stayed home with my small children, which meant my observations of the event were less emotional, and more of a wide-angle-lens type of view.
Immediately (that very day) after my FIL passed, my MIL went home and started packing all his clothes and personal items up for donation. My husband was VERY upset, offended and hurt by this. He internalized it. He thought his mom was just trying to get rid of every piece of evidence that proved his dad had ever existed. I told him she was probably didn't even know what she was doing, because she had been in such deep denial, and was horribly grief-stricken. I asked for some items of clothing that had belonged to his dad so that I could make a quilt for him, before she gave it all to charity. What she sent was very telling: 2 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of underwear, 2 wife-beaters, 2 pairs of socks, a jacket, his suspenders, and a pair of shoes. It was like she thought he was going on a short trip and would be back in a couple of days. It was incredibly sad.
We talked about it with about 9 months later, and she was horrified. She had absolutely NO memory of any her actions that week, and felt terribly about the pain my husband experienced as a result.
I agree with the sentiment that Peaceandjoy expressed.
We all would like to think that the stuff we treasure most will, in turn, be treasured by the loved ones we leave behind, as if it's a measure of how much we were loved. But in many cases, that is simply not possible. Personally, I have found that for the ones I have loved and lost, it's the photographs, stories, and memories of everyday interactions and events that are the most valuable measurement of who they were and how much they were loved.
I watched a similar situation unfold in my own family. My in-laws live in another state. My MIL called me and told me that my FIL was in the hospital with the flu. She said it like it was a weather report, not that big of a deal, he'd be better and home in a day or two. Well, the truth came the next day from my SIL, who called and told my husband to come say goodbye NOW, because FIL was actually in kidney failure. This told me that my MIL was in denial. So my husband went to see his dad, while I stayed home with my small children, which meant my observations of the event were less emotional, and more of a wide-angle-lens type of view.
Immediately (that very day) after my FIL passed, my MIL went home and started packing all his clothes and personal items up for donation. My husband was VERY upset, offended and hurt by this. He internalized it. He thought his mom was just trying to get rid of every piece of evidence that proved his dad had ever existed. I told him she was probably didn't even know what she was doing, because she had been in such deep denial, and was horribly grief-stricken. I asked for some items of clothing that had belonged to his dad so that I could make a quilt for him, before she gave it all to charity. What she sent was very telling: 2 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of underwear, 2 wife-beaters, 2 pairs of socks, a jacket, his suspenders, and a pair of shoes. It was like she thought he was going on a short trip and would be back in a couple of days. It was incredibly sad.
We talked about it with about 9 months later, and she was horrified. She had absolutely NO memory of any her actions that week, and felt terribly about the pain my husband experienced as a result.
I agree with the sentiment that Peaceandjoy expressed.
We all would like to think that the stuff we treasure most will, in turn, be treasured by the loved ones we leave behind, as if it's a measure of how much we were loved. But in many cases, that is simply not possible. Personally, I have found that for the ones I have loved and lost, it's the photographs, stories, and memories of everyday interactions and events that are the most valuable measurement of who they were and how much they were loved.
06-27-2023, 03:16 PM
#24
Member
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 98
Just wanna say that if anyone hears that I’ve disappeared under mysterious circumstances, go question my husband.
He’s probably disposed of me just so he can get rid of my stuff.
Ya know, the stuff in my room, in the spare room, in the basement, in the kitchen, in each of the kids rooms……
He’s not gonna donate it, nor give it away, nor sell it, nor recycle. He’s just gonna put it in big black garbage bags to be taken away to the land fill.
Of course, if he goes first, his comic books are in big trouble.
What can you do? Sometimes that’s just life ;-)
He’s probably disposed of me just so he can get rid of my stuff.
Ya know, the stuff in my room, in the spare room, in the basement, in the kitchen, in each of the kids rooms……
He’s not gonna donate it, nor give it away, nor sell it, nor recycle. He’s just gonna put it in big black garbage bags to be taken away to the land fill.
Of course, if he goes first, his comic books are in big trouble.
What can you do? Sometimes that’s just life ;-)
06-27-2023, 03:51 PM
#25
Junior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 272
To clariy - the husband was never interested in her hobby/passion/skill at all. She knew this. Her family was/is only interested when being given a quilt (she had a process of who got quilts when). After she passed, there were quilts that no one wanted in the family and with some "persuasion" we were able to get the husband to decide who should receive them as he clearly did not want them.
We have no local museums or guilds that are interested in any of the remaining (binders). Not even the guild she belonged to for many years.
I had thought of scanning the binders, but that would be an enormous job. And giving the thumbdrive to her husband would be quickly lost, he is not computer savvy.
I am not up to setting up a website, neither is the other friend who has been helping.
i have no idea how to reach family other than her son - he lives several thousand miles away, has much of her stuff but just can't handle taking any more. Her step kids and grandkids are not interested.
Sadly, our thrift stores are not interested in the binders even, kids just don't use them anymore.
Unfortunately these binders and the history they contain will likely end up in a dumpster.
We have no local museums or guilds that are interested in any of the remaining (binders). Not even the guild she belonged to for many years.
I had thought of scanning the binders, but that would be an enormous job. And giving the thumbdrive to her husband would be quickly lost, he is not computer savvy.
I am not up to setting up a website, neither is the other friend who has been helping.
i have no idea how to reach family other than her son - he lives several thousand miles away, has much of her stuff but just can't handle taking any more. Her step kids and grandkids are not interested.
Sadly, our thrift stores are not interested in the binders even, kids just don't use them anymore.
Unfortunately these binders and the history they contain will likely end up in a dumpster.
06-27-2023, 03:51 PM
#26
Super Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: S.E. Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,460
This is a sad situation, but true that everyone does not feel the same way about our hobbies and possessions. I have the opposite problem. My oldest DD wants everything in my sewing studio (aka double garage), + a cabinet or two from inside the house. She has my mums' treadle machine, hers, and wants mine, including my Tin Lizzie and frame. Heaven only knows where she will put it, as they have a large shed full of furniture and a car, also a storage container full of whatever. DD & partner are working away and have all in storage, and she hasn't done any quilting for years, too busy and too many other irons in the fire.
My second DD only wants the quilting machine, and no. 1 DD is already complaining about it, so I will have to try to declare what each one gets before I pop off.
My second DD only wants the quilting machine, and no. 1 DD is already complaining about it, so I will have to try to declare what each one gets before I pop off.
06-28-2023, 03:29 AM
#28
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 204
Sadly it seems no one wants the stuff we have collected as you have experienced. I agree with approaching a quilt guild or possibly a quilt museum to see if they are interested. If there is no interest, they need to be recycled.
06-28-2023, 03:51 AM
#29
Super Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,932
I think reality is at the end of the day we need to be honest with ourselves about our stuff. My kids have zero interest in any of my stuff. When I am gone I have asked my kids to go on a road trip and spread my ashes at my preferred location and along the way make an effort to find people who look like they could use a hug, give them a quilt and a hug and move on to the next person(s) and continue till my quilts are all in new homes. They thought that would be fun.
As to the OP dilemma, your motives are genuinely kind and thoughtful, but is the task really something you wish to take on?
As to the OP dilemma, your motives are genuinely kind and thoughtful, but is the task really something you wish to take on?
06-28-2023, 04:15 AM
#30
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by Gay
This is a sad situation, but true that everyone does not feel the same way about our hobbies and possessions. I have the opposite problem. My oldest DD wants everything in my sewing studio (aka double garage), + a cabinet or two from inside the house. She has my mums' treadle machine, hers, and wants mine, including my Tin Lizzie and frame. Heaven only knows where she will put it, as they have a large shed full of furniture and a car, also a storage container full of whatever. DD & partner are working away and have all in storage, and she hasn't done any quilting for years, too busy and too many other irons in the fire.
My second DD only wants the quilting machine, and no. 1 DD is already complaining about it, so I will have to try to declare what each one gets before I pop off.
My second DD only wants the quilting machine, and no. 1 DD is already complaining about it, so I will have to try to declare what each one gets before I pop off.
