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Thread: Bathing suit for the mature woman or, Why I don't go swimming any more!!

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Crystal River Florida

    Bathing suit for the mature woman or, Why I don't go swimming any more!!

    We can thank Roberta for this funny one!!

    When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

    Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

    The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

    Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

    The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.

    I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

    I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

    I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

    When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

    So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

    You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

    You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future
    I quilt, therefore I am.

  2. #2
    Power Poster
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Ontario, Canada
    ...and that is way my old 1 piece suit will have to last another year. I will put off the horror show for another year.

  3. #3
    Super Member ptquilts's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    I can remember my stepmom having a bathing suit made of pink gingham cotton fabric!!

  4. #4
    dd is offline
    Super Member dd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    White eyelet, kind of a baby doll style.
    Blessed are the quilters, for they are the piecemakers.

  5. #5
    Super Member granny_59's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    "You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time"

    I think you only can laugh at that one if you have been there yourself!!!! I had to laugh so hard that my stomach hurts............

  6. #6
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Good one, Ditter!

  7. #7
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    How true!! But the maternity suits were wearable. I could go back to the time of suits that hid a bit of the extra I picked up through the years.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Quilts rock's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Eastern Ontario, Canada
    I am laughing my head off here, thank you for this post!

  9. #9
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Upper Michigan
    Blog Entries
    Thats great. Mother daughter goes bathing suit shopping and bonding. after trying on quite a few mom thought she finally found the one. A black and white one piece modeling it for her 4 yr old, the little girls says. mommy you look soooooo beautiful! You look hust like Shamu!

  10. #10
    Power Poster lynnie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Long Island
    Blog Entries
    sooo funny. I find the tankinis work the best for me. I pick a black bottom, and any color top. it goes together pretty good, but you're right no cups in the tops

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