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Thread: Bathing suit for the mature woman or, Why I don't go swimming any more!!

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    Bathing suit for the mature woman or, Why I don't go swimming any more!!

    We can thank Roberta for this funny one!!





    When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

    Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

    The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

    Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

    The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.

    I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

    I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.


    I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

    When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

    So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

    You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!


    You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future
    I quilt, therefore I am.

  2. #2
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    ...and that is way my old 1 piece suit will have to last another year. I will put off the horror show for another year.

  3. #3
    Super Member ptquilts's Avatar
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    I can remember my stepmom having a bathing suit made of pink gingham cotton fabric!!

  4. #4
    dd
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    White eyelet, kind of a baby doll style.
    Blessed are the quilters, for they are the piecemakers.

  5. #5
    Super Member granny_59's Avatar
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    "You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time"

    I think you only can laugh at that one if you have been there yourself!!!! I had to laugh so hard that my stomach hurts............
    Granny

  6. #6
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    Good one, Ditter!

  7. #7
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    How true!! But the maternity suits were wearable. I could go back to the time of suits that hid a bit of the extra I picked up through the years.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Quilts rock's Avatar
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    I am laughing my head off here, thank you for this post!

  9. #9
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    Thats great. Mother daughter goes bathing suit shopping and bonding. after trying on quite a few mom thought she finally found the one. A black and white one piece modeling it for her 4 yr old, the little girls says. mommy you look soooooo beautiful! You look hust like Shamu!

  10. #10
    Power Poster lynnie's Avatar
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    sooo funny. I find the tankinis work the best for me. I pick a black bottom, and any color top. it goes together pretty good, but you're right no cups in the tops

  11. #11
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    That was so funny. One day the designers will get mature like us and I hope they will then start designing for us. Not sure I can wait that long. I figure it's a good reason not to go near water unless it's coming from the shower head in my bathroom.

  12. #12
    Super Member hopetoquilt's Avatar
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    I have to say that lands end is the one exception to the rule where the legs are not cut up too high and the suits come with built in cups. If it wasn't for that one store... I would be crying instead of laughing. I love to swim...

  13. #13
    Super Member Emma S's Avatar
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    Thanks for the laugh! Been there done that, at least five years into the cut off and tee-shirt mode.

  14. #14
    Super Member MaryStoaks's Avatar
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    Thanks Ditter!
    Mary

  15. #15
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    giggle giggle giggle

  16. #16
    Super Member mary quilting's Avatar
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    I bought the kind two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was not transparent in water, I hope.

  17. #17
    Super Member Nanamoms's Avatar
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    Ditter, I am laughing so hard, I'm crying!!! If my neighbors could hear me, they would think I've lost my mind.

    I don't even attempt to go bathing suit shopping anymore...why do they make you go up 3 sizes from your normal size, anyway!!

    But I did encounter this same NASA rubber band slingy effect which I tried the "AH Bra"!!

  18. #18
    Super Member jitkaau's Avatar
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    Haven't been swimming for 35 years...

  19. #19
    Power Poster Moonglow's Avatar
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    So very true. Thanks for the laugh.

  20. #20
    Super Member sparkys_mom's Avatar
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    ROFL!!! I haven't worn a bathing suit for ten years and don't intend to for the next ten.
    Pat

  21. #21
    Senior Member Cagey's Avatar
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    And that is why I tell my DD and DHD Grandma doesn't like to swim!

  22. #22
    Super Member running1's Avatar
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    I am SOOOOOO right there with 'ya!!!! Another thing is that they put WAY too much light in those fitting rooms!! sheesh.... The last suit I bought was in '98 when we went on a cruise to Hawaii.... In our small town a new hotel has been built and they're letting seniors swim for free... which is great exercise... but that means I'll either have to FIND the old suit, or (horror of horrors) buy another one!!! What to do... what to do.....
    "... let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

  23. #23
    Super Member quiltinghere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sewgarden View Post
    One day the designers will get mature like us and I hope they will then start designing for us..
    Maybe we should start a petition to some of the mature superstars out there with clothing lines who can work in some great bathing suits.

    THANK YOU for the laugh ... not to clean my keyboard of coffee spit!

    Hahahahaha - can't wait to pass this one on to all my girlfriends

    Nan
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    My GOAL is to ALWAYS ENJOY EVERY STEP of the quilting process....

  24. #24
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    OMG, that is so funny!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laughs.

  25. #25
    Power Poster BellaBoo's Avatar
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    I will only buy Land's End swimsuits, they are comfortable and I don't feel exposed.
    Got fabric?

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