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Thread: Buying a New Bathing Suit....funny!!!

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    I gave up swimming because of this problem...

    BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT

    The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)
    When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
    was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
    were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

    Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
    figure carved from a potato chip.

    The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the
    maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
    looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
    can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
    a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
    rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
    entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
    thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
    material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
    by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
    bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
    be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your
    passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
    strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

    Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
    while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
    seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
    woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
    bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
    full view assessment.

    The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
    those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
    rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
    Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
    prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there
    you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
    I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
    masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
    oversized napkin in a serving ring.

    I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
    came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
    a rough day.

    I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
    mourning.

    I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
    would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a
    shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
    comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
    had a successful outcome, I figured.

    When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become
    transparent in water."

    So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
    this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
    T-shirt!

    You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
    isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain,
    with or without a bathing suit!

  2. #2
    Super Member moonwork42029's Avatar
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    I must have been in the room next to her going through the same motions... I"ve done this all before in an alternative universe I swear!

  3. #3
    Super Member BrendaY's Avatar
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    Pretty funny! My husband just raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes when I said I needed to buy a swimsuit for vacation... Guess I'll rethink that!

  4. #4
    Super Member LindaM's Avatar
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    "I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them."

    Bwahahah - excellent find Ditter :)

  5. #5
    Super Member auntpiggylpn's Avatar
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    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

  6. #6
    Moderator Jim's Gem's Avatar
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    Too Funny!!!!!

    I actually found a decent pair of "Tankini" type suits from Lands End that are wonderful!!!

  7. #7
    Super Member Nanamoms's Avatar
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    ROFLMBO!!! Laughing so hard, I'm crying!!!!

  8. #8
    Super Member auntpiggylpn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim's Gem
    Too Funny!!!!!

    I actually found a decent pair of "Tankini" type suits from Lands End that are wonderful!!!
    THANK GOD FOR THE TANKINI!!!!

  9. #9
    Super Member amyjo's Avatar
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    glad to see you back Ditter and in great form. I am glad to see you on the board again. Where do you find these jokes that are great? Keep them coming. I need a laugh when I get home at night.

  10. #10
    Super Member slk350's Avatar
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    That's the exact reason why I don't wear bathing suits

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