This is a very interesting thread! I'm not a Mom, but I am THE AUNTIE :D Most of my friends' kids grew up with our whole 'gang' - we're in our 40s & 50s & have known each other since high school. We always have followed "house rules" for all the kids, no matter who's house they were at. If any of the kids needed a swat on the bumba (love that word! lol ) or hugs, any one of the 'grown ups' could step in, and they seem to all be growing up to be awesome adults & parents themselves. Guess it's that "It takes a village" concept.
Good luck Pam. All you can do is the best you can. (And come back here to vent when you need to!)