JJBlaine

Growing up, my family was not close, and did not get together for holidays. I wanted different for my children, and so I was the one who took on all the planning, preparation, and expense of hosting a dinner each Thanksgiving and Christmas for a reluctant family. At first, I was pretty sure my mother only attended because she had nowhere else to go, and I'm pretty sure my brother only brought his family for the free meal. But, over the years, everyone has accepted that holiday dinners are my "thing", and everyone goes along.

Until a couple of years ago, when my SIL decided now that my children are grown, she wanted to take over the tradition, and host Thanksgiving at their house. All they asked me to bring was soft drinks. I admit I had a really hard time with that.

Upon reading your post, I was struck by several of the comments that reminded me so very much of that Thansgiving at my SIL's:

It reminded me so much of myself that year. I was truly saddened by the loss of my holiday rituals. I truly missed the time I spent making everyone's favorite desert, the decorating, bringing out the special holiday dishes...all of my little rituals I had performed for so many years. I knew she wasn't a very good cook. I wanted to send her all of my recipes, or go early and help her prepare all of the food the "right" way. It was so hard, but, out of respect for her, I put on a happy face, thanked her for giving me the year off, and made sure she knew I was willing to help in any way she wanted. In my heart, I was convinced it would all be a disaster.

Will everything be how you would do it? Nope. Will everything be "perfect"? Absolutely not!! Will everything go well? Probably, in it's own way. Whatever mini-disasters" occur will become humorous anecdotes at future gatherings. Every year we fondly recall how that dinner was three hours late because she didn't fully thaw the turkey. Since that year, at Thanksgiving, someone always asks if it is a "Cracker Jack" turkey--one cooked with a surprise inside because she also had no idea that's where the bag of giblets was!

Not to brag, but everyone did miss my version of Thanksgiving dinner, and I missed making it. The following year, I announced that Thanksgiving has nothing to do with the date on the calendar, and everything to do with spending the day together as a family. Now, on thanksgiving day itself, everyone goes off in their own direction. My brother and SIL spend the day with her family, my kids, now grown, spend the day working or with their girlfriends. We have a second Thanksgiving at my house on another day, where I get to indulge in my rituals, no one has to chose which family to be with, and we still get to spend a special day together. My SIL comes over early so she can learn my recipes.

One year, my son was on deployment, so "Thanksgiving" was postponed until March. Another year, I had an extra Thanksgiving in June, just because I wanted us to spend time together. No one asks where we are I am having Thanksgiving anymore, they ask when, lol. It's our new family tradition, and everyone loves it.

Please take this with the kindness with which it is intended, but from your comments, it sounds like you, much like I did, are having a hard time giving up being in charge. You do not need to coordinate anything, your gd does. She is the hostess. I suggest you ask her how she would prefer you bring the dishes you have been assigned. Keep your apprehensions in check, be supportive, make sure she can count on you if she needs help, but unless she specifically asks, leave half your kitchen, the instant coffee, the dishes, silverware and the wine glasses at home. Trust me, years from now, no one will care if you ate off of paper plates instead of MIL's china, toasted with solo cups instead of wine glasses, or had kool-ade with dessert instead of coffee.

The important thing is not what is on the plate, the plate the food is on, or even what the calendar says. It is the blessing of being with people you care about.

Good luck, and I wish you a happy Thanksgiving.