I'm a huge supporter of suicide awareness and reducing the stigma of mental illness- so I wonder if I'm a hypocrite if I don't reach out for help? Don't get worried- it's not bad- I'm thinking it's that "seasonal" type. But this is what I'm feeling-
down- my son did not invite his sister (my DD) to his wedding. I am so torn- he/fiancee are mad because she had been married before and it only lasted 4 mos. and then she met hubby and got pregnant, came home, had baby, then married and left. they can't forgive her because she didn't invite them to her 2nd marriage ceremony (dad and I went because we said we were- end of story). So I have tried for over a month to get this resolved. I'm ready to threaten not to attend wedding to prove my point. I cry so easily over this- I have cried to him, hubby and I feel like my thoughts don't matter. I want my kids to get along! I stopped looking for a dress for the wedding, I am so upset over this.
down- my birthday was last week. no big deal over turning 51. Big deal- only my Dad (who said- do I have the right day?), my bff and 1 sister called me. I have a Mom, 4 other sisters and 2 brothers. None of them called. Reminded me of how I am such an outsider in that family. My kids were awesome- calls, came for dinner, observed my rule of no gifts.
down- I get an email from 1 sister and it's an invitation to my oldest brother's birthday party tomorrow. why invite me? you don't talk to me- you missed my birthday. Is this to rub it in that I don't belong?
down- I own a small business. It is regulated by the state. Our industry is under attack by the Insurance Dept.- saying we don't provide a service worth the fees charged. I have 1 1/2 employees and am dying under regulations, fees, taxes, etc. But at the same time, I can't quit to work somewhere else, it's all I've known for 24 years. I'm down to $200 in savings and went without a pay last month to make the bills here. I live in fear I will get sued- the underwriters are now suing agents when they suffer a loss. I can't put my home on the line for this business. (I've been an agent since '97 and never had a claim)
down- my house is a pig pen. It's messy, I need to scrub the grout in the tile in the kitchen, there are 2 boxes of decorations in the formal living room from Christmas, there's stuff to mail out and give away, I just can't bring myself to do anything. I get upset looking at it, but I can't bring myself to do anything either. My house NEVER looked like this- I am embarrassed. I always kept it neat and clean and "magazine cover" quality. Now it looks disorganized and dirty. And the dogs need a bath too. They smell like dogs. And I'm the only one who bathes them (and I think I'm the only one who smells them too).
up- the sun is shining- that always helps me. But I feel crabby and close to tears anyway. Shopping hasn't helped- I spend only what I have saved in my wallet and now I feel like I shouldn't even be doing that.
up- I have no credit card debt and I can pay my bills. I mailed my mortgage payment out (I always feel good when I mail that). I have a wonderful husband but he doesn't understand how I could feel down when I have so many blessings.
up- I have way too much stash and I'm trying to gift some to others to reduce it. It's fun to stick my hand in a tub of fat quarters and stuff them in a box. I figure if I look at what I pick out I could be tempted to keep them. But I pack it and it sits in the box on the floor- for 2 weeks now.
So what's wrong with me? Is this depression? I just needed to express myself, not looking for sympathy but I guess if someone says- pick yourself up by your bootstraps and stop whining, I will do it. Until then, I wallow in my self pity.
P.S. I just finished a Dr. Pepper and some chocolate cake and although it tasted good, I will have heartburn shortly.
Basically- I always considered myself a hugely POSITIVE thinker- I just feel so NEGATIVE and I can't kick it.
(And you know what- I worry my negative atitude will make bad things happen- and I don't want that!)
Sorry to whine, there are those who have it so much worse than me but I just can't shake this yucky attitude- I don't want to be with me. Tell me something positive you do that makes you feel better.....