Barbm

I'm a huge supporter of suicide awareness and reducing the stigma of mental illness- so I wonder if I'm a hypocrite if I don't reach out for help? Don't get worried- it's not bad- I'm thinking it's that "seasonal" type. But this is what I'm feeling-

down- my son did not invite his sister (my DD) to his wedding. I am so torn- he/fiancee are mad because she had been married before and it only lasted 4 mos. and then she met hubby and got pregnant, came home, had baby, then married and left. they can't forgive her because she didn't invite them to her 2nd marriage ceremony (dad and I went because we said we were- end of story). So I have tried for over a month to get this resolved. I'm ready to threaten not to attend wedding to prove my point. I cry so easily over this- I have cried to him, hubby and I feel like my thoughts don't matter. I want my kids to get along! I stopped looking for a dress for the wedding, I am so upset over this.

down- my birthday was last week. no big deal over turning 51. Big deal- only my Dad (who said- do I have the right day?), my bff and 1 sister called me. I have a Mom, 4 other sisters and 2 brothers. None of them called. Reminded me of how I am such an outsider in that family. My kids were awesome- calls, came for dinner, observed my rule of no gifts.

down- I get an email from 1 sister and it's an invitation to my oldest brother's birthday party tomorrow. why invite me? you don't talk to me- you missed my birthday. Is this to rub it in that I don't belong?

down- I own a small business. It is regulated by the state. Our industry is under attack by the Insurance Dept.- saying we don't provide a service worth the fees charged. I have 1 1/2 employees and am dying under regulations, fees, taxes, etc. But at the same time, I can't quit to work somewhere else, it's all I've known for 24 years. I'm down to $200 in savings and went without a pay last month to make the bills here. I live in fear I will get sued- the underwriters are now suing agents when they suffer a loss. I can't put my home on the line for this business. (I've been an agent since '97 and never had a claim)

down- my house is a pig pen. It's messy, I need to scrub the grout in the tile in the kitchen, there are 2 boxes of decorations in the formal living room from Christmas, there's stuff to mail out and give away, I just can't bring myself to do anything. I get upset looking at it, but I can't bring myself to do anything either. My house NEVER looked like this- I am embarrassed. I always kept it neat and clean and "magazine cover" quality. Now it looks disorganized and dirty. And the dogs need a bath too. They smell like dogs. And I'm the only one who bathes them (and I think I'm the only one who smells them too).

up- the sun is shining- that always helps me. But I feel crabby and close to tears anyway. Shopping hasn't helped- I spend only what I have saved in my wallet and now I feel like I shouldn't even be doing that.

up- I have no credit card debt and I can pay my bills. I mailed my mortgage payment out (I always feel good when I mail that). I have a wonderful husband but he doesn't understand how I could feel down when I have so many blessings.

up- I have way too much stash and I'm trying to gift some to others to reduce it. It's fun to stick my hand in a tub of fat quarters and stuff them in a box. I figure if I look at what I pick out I could be tempted to keep them. But I pack it and it sits in the box on the floor- for 2 weeks now.

So what's wrong with me? Is this depression? I just needed to express myself, not looking for sympathy but I guess if someone says- pick yourself up by your bootstraps and stop whining, I will do it. Until then, I wallow in my self pity.

P.S. I just finished a Dr. Pepper and some chocolate cake and although it tasted good, I will have heartburn shortly.

Basically- I always considered myself a hugely POSITIVE thinker- I just feel so NEGATIVE and I can't kick it.

(And you know what- I worry my negative atitude will make bad things happen- and I don't want that!)

Sorry to whine, there are those who have it so much worse than me but I just can't shake this yucky attitude- I don't want to be with me. Tell me something positive you do that makes you feel better.....

Up North

Sometimes life Sucks! I feel your pain some of what you describe sounds like my life, no invite to Brother's wedding, blame for not helping plan it, kid's not getting along, job lay off, tears, depression. I do recommend if even for a short time you discuss this with your Dr. There is help out there. It sure helped me to get on something for a while. There will be up moments too! Chin up and smile. You know you always have us. We will be here to support you but you need to take the initiative to take care of yourself,The other things will fall into place. Good luck and hugs to you.

cminor

I'm sorry your feeling so down right now. Clearly you know you feel down and that is a big part of getting through it. At least your acknowledging it. Many times talking about it helps. I'm sending hugs your way.

omak

Sometimes, when I get to feeling like I am the only one in the world who cares about stuff?
Well, that is just silly thinking! <g> What changes my mind is to change the focus of my pondering ....
I am not in control of most of what other people do around me. The best I can do in any given situation is to decide how I will handle myself.
Basically, I get in touch with the ONE who can make a difference in people's lives and learn more about Him ... because He cares more about you and your family than you ever could ... when you realize that God of the Universe has a plan and you matter and the people you love matters, then most of what we go through takes on a different feel.
Remember the Serenity Prayer?
Lord, give me the Strength to change the things I can change, the Courage to accept the things I cannot change, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Everyone gets to feeling down sometimes, but we can decide if we are going to stay there.
One of my friends told me one time: The more I know about your parents, the less I can figure out how you are the person you are
(silly me! I thought she was complimenting me! LOL maybe she was ... ) and, I only say this to let you know about how I never seemed to belong ...
when hubby and I got married, he finally set me down and said: It is obvious to me that you love your family, but you are very disappointed that they aren't living up to their potential as you see they could ... and, you become defensive around them, finding real and imagined hurts every time I turn around.
He counseled me to do what I wanted for, to, with my family because that is what I wanted to do - - and, to ONLY do it with no strings attached ... do it because I loved them, NOT because "if I do this, they might do that" ...
it was interesting to find out how little influence they could have on my life and mental state if I just let them be who they were and lived my own life the way I wanted to live it.
I have shown many times that everyone spends a little time in the dumps of life - - it is sort of a reality check ... without the dumps, one never embraces the rose gardens, and if you keep walking toward the gardens, no matter what is going on around you, you will get there ... it just depends on how long you decide to poke around in the dump.
I am a strong believer in we can CHOOSE how we feel most of the time ... and, sometimes, I just like to sit around and be mad! LOL <wave>

omak

We also have the five minute rule:
You get to feel whatever you want to feel for five minutes, and then you have to go do something POSITIVE, constructive, practical for someone else ... doesn't mean you don't get to go back to a pity party, just have to wait until you have met the next goal you set for yourself. <wave>

Bobbinwinder

It's all okay. Yes, you are depressed. If you don't have the energy to do what you want to do in your surroundings, then there's a problem...probably medical not mental....not to alarm you, but to get you to your doctor. Hey, families don't go bad overnight...you've been dealing with them for a long time....might not have been fun, but you had a clean house. Women react differently to medical conditions...and we are usually too good at getting used to not feeling well.
Let yourself take care of you...everyone else can/will do the same for themselves. Life's too short...do only that which matters to you and do that for the right reasons. Hope I haven't jumped too hard...my reply is intended to "Snap" you into seeing this differently...if you felt better you'd be quick to change what you are able to change...and quicker to leave the stuff that you'll have no effect on alone. Kids of all ages have at each other...you've never been able to prevent it and you probably never will...let them work it out their way...your love for them is unconditional...but that may need to be from a distance right now....same with other family...except your spouse...keep him close. You are stronger than you think...and you matter. Hope this helps.

beckyw

I think you need to take care of yourself. I have the same kind of problems with brothers , sisters , kids and yes a husband. You just need to get things done. If you think you need help go get it. PM me if you need someone to talk to. I need someone at times to talk too. I will even call you.

OdessaQuilts

Oh, Barb, I understand completely. I have suffered with clinical depression for 25+ years. For me, the answer is a little blue "happy pill" (no, NOT Viagra! :roll: Prozac is my little blue happy pill), that I take daily. I can skip a day once in a while and it doesn't seem to affect me. The problem that I have is that my brain chemistry needs the help that the antidepressant gives. I'm on the lowest dose possible. This information may or may not help you. If it does nothing other than get you to talk to your Doctor about possible solutions to your depression, then I am thankful.

I sometimes feel exactly the way you describe. There are times my house is a pig sty. It happens more often than not. But I have to remind myself that the dust bunnies don't care whether or not I am happy with my life, and when I am feeling up to getting rid of them, they will be there for me, waiting patiently.

I am pretty much a positive person, too. Spending time with my two grandsons (ages 2 and 4) makes me happy. It's hard to be sad when they are nearby. So loveable.

It also makes me happy to just sit and play with my fabric stash. I don't have to sew with it, just looking at it and feeling it pleases me.

Have you tried playing some music? There are times I just give in to the sadness and sit in a dark room, play some sad music and have a good cry. Release the tears, and let the brain chemistry have some relief. Then move on to some happier tunes. I generally use classical music, or sometimes opera. I can't be bothered with pop tunes when I'm feeling low. I'd rather use the music to elevate my mood without the distraction of lyrics.

Here's a bigger question for you: what makes YOU happy? Is is possible for you to take some time and take a drive? Go see some beautiful scenery, nature unfolding into spring? Go to the zoo and watch the animals? Try anything that may make a change in your mood.

I'd start with a call to your Doctor first. Sounds as if you have so much on your plate that you can't make a decision on what to do first. If you are that overwhelmed, it may be good to get on medication for a short while.

Keep us apprised of what is happening. We're here to listen and will help, if we can. And remember: better days are coming.

Odessa

STAR

If you are normally a POSITIVE person I think that this is just a spurt of unhappiness with all the stress around you right now. I hope that you can motivate yourself somehow to keep going. I would start with the mailing as gifting to someone may help lift your mood because you are a kind and generous person!!!

I hope that this will pass for you very quickly. Try not to hold on to the things that you cannot control like the kids and their dispute. you can help talk with them but they will do what they want anyway. Try to keep your UP'S going. and if you find it getting harder and harder please talk to someone. we are here for you to vent so if that helps then vent on......

drivingsusan

I agree DOCTOR first and second-let yourself off the hook!! You are responsible for YOU! You can not be responsible for everyone and everything around you--the world will not stop if you don't do this or don't do that for someone else.
DO or NOT DO because you want to or don't. It is OKAY!!
Families are always in motion- evolving- likes & dislikes forever changing---it is the way of life--let yourself believe that.
The best thing would be to see a dr., maybe he/she can help you get on an 'even keel' and life may just look a lot more managable--ask me how I know!!! ((pm's welcomed))
all the best to you,
Susan