Barnbm, I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter if it was 5 years or 5 days ago, the pain is still there and so are the unanswered questions. I pray that the day comes soon when you can think of your brother and smile. A younger cousin, who was the best friend of my son-in-law, commited suicide 3 weeks ago. No one knows why. He left no note, didn't say anything to anyone. His live in girlfriend didn't have a clue. My SIL is very angry that he chose to do this and then feels guilty because he is angry. I have told my kids over and over that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but I know from experience that when one is experiencing depression you don't feel that you have a future that is worth living and you just want the pain to stop. Those of us who have gotten help know that taking that first step can be the hardest thing of all. It's never easy admitting you have a problem but whenever those thoughts would come I would look at the pictures of my DGS's and know that I could not inflict that kind of pain on them and eventually, with counseling and meds, it got better.