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Thread: British humour is different!

  1. #1
    Super Member Kitsie's Avatar
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    British humour is different!

    (In the first place they spell "humour" with a "U"!)

    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old,
    Hateful little bastard. Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer 100.

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

    **** And the WINNER is... ****
    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

    Statement of the Century
    Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
    "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
    How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Children Are Quick
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this child)
    ____________________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    __________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________
    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Al ways say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: Al l right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ________________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
    but also admitted it.
    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
    ______________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
    Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
    ___________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
    are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher
    __________________________________
    PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
    Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
    http://s1248.photobucket.com/albums/hh485/KitsieH/
    Never regret growing older, its a privilege denied to many.
    Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

    Kitsie

  2. #2
    Super Member Chicca's Avatar
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    I really got a good laugh at this! Thank you for sharing.
    Brenda

  3. #3
    Power Poster ann clare's Avatar
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    Made me smile. Thank you.
    What I make with my hands, I give with my heart.

  4. #4
    Banned
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    Loved that!

  5. #5
    Power Poster nativetexan's Avatar
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    I loved the H to O one!!

  6. #6
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    I enjoyed those! Thanks for the laughs.

  7. #7
    Super Member nannyrick's Avatar
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    This is just too funny. We all need to laugh and laugh often. Thanks for sharing.
    so many quilts to make, so little time.

  8. #8
    Senior Member theoldgraymare's Avatar
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    Very funny!

  9. #9
    Super Member MaryStoaks's Avatar
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    Thanks Kitsie!
    Mary

  10. #10
    Senior Member ranbro's Avatar
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    Huge belly laugh on these---many thanks for a great start to my day.
    ranbro

  11. #11
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    that was a good laugh .Kids do say the darnest things. joyce j

  12. #12
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    thanks I laughed so hard I was crying.

  13. #13
    elm
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    British Humour

    Thanks. That was delightful.

  14. #14
    Fox
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    A Mulligan Stew of humour -- I love it

  15. #15
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    We might spell it differently but we can all laugh at the same things! Laughter really is the best medicine!

  16. #16
    Super Member Arleners's Avatar
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    Very funny. I like the definition of a teacher!!!!!
    Arlene

  17. #17
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    LOL. Thanks for sharing.

  18. #18
    Super Member Murphy's Avatar
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    Hilarious. Thanks for the chuckles (smile).
    Desiderata (Max Ehrmann) - Walk placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

  19. #19
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    thanks for the laugh...
    Kitty

  20. #20
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    Cute and priceless.

  21. #21
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    Miss this yesteday as I was gone. Waiting to watch the Super Bowl and found this on the board.
    Thanks for the laughs
    Aunt Janey

  22. #22
    Super Member nancia's Avatar
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    thank goodness, anyway you spell it a laugh is a lagh!
    The only bad days are the ones you don't get.

  23. #23
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    I loved this!! Thanks. The British do have a sense of humor.

  24. #24
    Super Member QuiltnLady1's Avatar
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    Thanks for the laugh!! Loved all of them, but the British ones are a stitch.
    QuiltnLady1

    When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

  25. #25
    Senior Member cat-on-a-mac's Avatar
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    too precious!
    Cathy

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