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Thread: Care and handling of a husband

  1. #1
    Super Member ptquilts's Avatar
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    While lighting my woodstove this morning with a 3-year-old CS Monitor newspaper, I saw this on the back page. So I had to look it up online to share with you all.



    Care and handling of a husband

    Congratulations on the acquisition of your brand-new 2008 husband. You have chosen the best that the 21st century has to offer in the way of life partners. While your 2008 husband is built to last a lifetime, these care and handling instructions will help you get the most out of your man.

    Laundry instructions

    Although we have implemented many improvements in this year's model (e.g. limited childcare abilities and an automatic inclination to put the toilet seat down), we have not yet perfected an automatic laundering option.

    Thus, you must repeatedly remind your husband to pick up his dirty clothes, sort his laundry by color, wash appropriately sized loads, and put away what's clean. Some owners have found it easier to simply perform all of these functions themselves.

    Dressing instructions

    Most husbands come with only two wardrobe options: work and casual. Therefore please ensure that you assist your new spouse in any clothing purchases in order to avoid nasty fashion surprises.

    As in past years, the 2008 husband has preset fashion preferences which may clash with your taste. To date, we have yet to perfect an acceptable "color sense" module, although the deluxe accessory package does include a formalwear option for occasional use.

    WARNING: Constant wardrobe monitoring is strongly recommended, especially on weekends. Your husband's repeated exposure to baggy sweat pants and holey T-shirts may void the warranty.

    Cooking instructions

    If you chose the deluxe accessory package, you can count on your husband to successfully cook meals on his own for many years to come.

    The standard model, on the other hand, has few kitchen skills and a limited cuisine. Unless you're willing to invest the time necessary to train your husband in the culinary arts, don't expect much beyond making toast and boiling water. However, all models do come equipped with the outdoor barbecue function.

    Listening instructions

    Despite years of research, we have not yet been able to produce a husband who really listens.

    Wives are free to urge their spouses to listen and "express their feelings," but we can offer no guarantees that you will achieve meaningful results.

    Through persistent effort, some customers have trained their husbands to adopt a semisatisfying simulated listening posture.

    Fitness instructions

    Your 2008 husband is properly proportioned and in good shape. However, in order to retain these features, you must insist on a strict regimen of daily exercise and a balanced diet.

    Failure to keep your husband active and eating properly can result in a sluggish spouse with a widening waistline and a sagging seat.

    CAUTION: Do not rely on in-home exercise equipment and always ration soda, pizza, and chips carefully.

    Romance instructions

    Although the listening capabilities of the 2008 husband are limited, he does possess excellent eyesight. Thus, in order to activate the romance function, emphasize visual stimuli. Sophisticated conversational and emotional skills are still not available, but our engineers hope to have an improved product ready by the next millennium.

    LIMITED WARRANTY: Our 2008 husband is guaranteed against defects in workmanship for 90 days. If for any reason you wish to return your husband during the warranty period, we will issue a full refund but only if he is returned in his original packaging. After that, you're on your own.

  2. #2
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    Too cute!!!!!!! Thanks

  3. #3
    Senior Member gigi10's Avatar
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    That explains it....I have a 1969 model...and He is well pasted that 90 day warranty.

  4. #4
    Super Member Tink's Mom's Avatar
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    Thank you sooooo much. I will be printing this out as a certificate for my soon to be Daughter in Law as a wedding gift.

    LOL

  5. #5
    Power Poster sueisallaboutquilts's Avatar
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    That's cute!! :D:D

  6. #6
    Senior Member dpparris's Avatar
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    Funny

  7. #7
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    How cute. Love it.

  8. #8
    Super Member icon17's Avatar
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    I have the 1972 model it was as ruff go at 1st but I've smoothed out the edges now! :lol:

  9. #9
    lllog's Avatar
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    Being a man, I can't help wondering what the paper work would say on a woman.

    Lanny

  10. #10
    Senior Member gigi10's Avatar
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    You know it might make equally good reading to see what it would say about the woman. I would be a 1969 model also....go for it. I am brave.....are you?

  11. #11
    Power Poster littlehud's Avatar
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    That is so cute. Thanks for the laugh.

  12. #12
    Super Member Sandee's Avatar
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    Training. It's all in the way you train them.

  13. #13
    Super Member CloverPatch's Avatar
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    I have the 2003 model. "listening" feature was not installed, but did come with an auto-response feature that simulates listening. Came with 3 prerecorded responses of "Yep" "Uh huh", and "Yea, im listening"
    Working on the "yes dear" response.

  14. #14
    lllog's Avatar
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    1969 was a good year, altough its more the milage than the age.

    Lanny

  15. #15
    Senior Member denise d's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CloverPatch
    I have the 2003 model. "listening" feature was not installed, but did come with an auto-response feature that simulates listening. Came with 3 prerecorded responses of "Yep" "Uh huh", and "Yea, im listening"
    Working on the "yes dear" response.
    Model year 2000 had the same issues. 'Yes dear" was installed, but works super slow.

  16. #16
    Super Member CloverPatch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lllog
    Being a man, I can't help wondering what the paper work would say on a woman.

    Lanny
    Hmmm, I can imagine that may be a long manual!! I know for sure it would come with the following warning:

    **Warning: Unit is never wrong! Use extreme caution if female unit ever appears to realize it is not right. Melt down may occure***

  17. #17
    Super Member aorlflood's Avatar
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    very funny!!! LOL

  18. #18
    Senior Member Hosta's Avatar
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    that is so true

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