Bathing suit for the mature woman or, Why I don't go swimming any more!!
 

We can thank Roberta for this funny one!!





When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.


I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!


You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future

...and that is way my old 1 piece suit will have to last another year. I will put off the horror show for another year.:D

I can remember my stepmom having a bathing suit made of pink gingham cotton fabric!!

White eyelet, kind of a baby doll style.

"You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time"

I think you only can laugh at that one if you have been there yourself!!!! I had to laugh so hard that my stomach hurts............
Granny

Good one, Ditter!

How true!! But the maternity suits were wearable. I could go back to the time of suits that hid a bit of the extra I picked up through the years.

I am laughing my head off here, thank you for this post!

Thats great. Mother daughter goes bathing suit shopping and bonding. after trying on quite a few mom thought she finally found the one. A black and white one piece modeling it for her 4 yr old, the little girls says. mommy you look soooooo beautiful! You look hust like Shamu!

sooo funny. I find the tankinis work the best for me. I pick a black bottom, and any color top. it goes together pretty good, but you're right no cups in the tops

That was so funny. One day the designers will get mature like us and I hope they will then start designing for us. Not sure I can wait that long. I figure it's a good reason not to go near water unless it's coming from the shower head in my bathroom.

I have to say that lands end is the one exception to the rule where the legs are not cut up too high and the suits come with built in cups. If it wasn't for that one store... I would be crying instead of laughing. I love to swim...

Thanks for the laugh! Been there done that, at least five years into the cut off and tee-shirt mode.

Thanks Ditter!:thumbup:

giggle giggle giggle

I bought the kind two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was not transparent in water, I hope.

Ditter, I am laughing so hard, I'm crying!!! If my neighbors could hear me, they would think I've lost my mind.

I don't even attempt to go bathing suit shopping anymore...why do they make you go up 3 sizes from your normal size, anyway!!

But I did encounter this same NASA rubber band slingy effect which I tried the "AH Bra"!!

Haven't been swimming for 35 years...

So very true. Thanks for the laugh.

ROFL!!! I haven't worn a bathing suit for ten years and don't intend to for the next ten.

And that is why I tell my DD and DHD Grandma doesn't like to swim!

I am SOOOOOO right there with 'ya!!!! Another thing is that they put WAY too much light in those fitting rooms!! sheesh.... The last suit I bought was in '98 when we went on a cruise to Hawaii.... In our small town a new hotel has been built and they're letting seniors swim for free... which is great exercise... but that means I'll either have to FIND the old suit, or (horror of horrors) buy another one!!! What to do... what to do.....

Maybe we should start a petition to some of the mature superstars out there with clothing lines who can work in some great bathing suits.

THANK YOU for the laugh ... not to clean my keyboard of coffee spit!

Hahahahaha - can't wait to pass this one on to all my girlfriends

Nan

OMG, that is so funny!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laughs.

I will only buy Land's End swimsuits, they are comfortable and I don't feel exposed.

This is why I have been wearing 'essentially' the same bathing suit since my first double digit summer. Cut offs and a T-shirt. I figured that playing in the water was suppose to be fun why ruin it with attire that is totally uncomfortable. Your either pulling the top up or the bottom down all while trying to gasp for air. Besides I felt more naked in a bathing suit then if I was actually naked.

I found a bathing suit - actually a top and what they call a "swim skirt" ( it has pants underneath!) at Lands End. They don't picture the suits on middle aging women, but they are ok. And you can try them on at home, and actually return them if they don't fit! Oh and the top has cups!

Ditter, I laughed til I cried! Needless to say, I am a mature woman, but I could see myself going through this. I will not, because all I have to do is get out the shorts & tshirt, the thick one,of course, with the bra built in.

The other day I was cleaning out a drawer and found a photo of me in the last swimsuit I ever wore. I put it back in the drawer, because I figured that's why there were no pests in there. They saw the picture and warned their families of the impending horror show.

Oh My!! Lands End does have some nice suits. Wish they had store closer than 130 miles!!

this is a good one, it's the one we can identify with LOL

Thanks for the laugh-dogs thought I was nuts I was laughing so hard. I really needed that. I love to swim but hate the suits. I finally bought a one piece-with cups- and swim shorts. I wear them together. In Australia I rented a house with a swimming pool that was isolated and swim nude. It was the best ever but I think I scared the local wildlife!!!

This is hysterical. You gave me my laugh for the day. Now, I have to go potty.

Ha ha ha hilarious

Giggling so hard, I have to pee-which brings up another issue, imagine trying to pour yourself back into one of those torture chambers if the suit is wet-which has the potential for lots more side bar comments....! Funnnny! I can't swim, so buying a suit has never been an issue for me, I don't expose these thighs.

Sooooo funny, thanks for the laugh Ditter! :D

Ha, ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, ha...

I can 'soooo' relate to this!

That line caught me by surprise! Good one!

Never thought about the maternity dept...that might not be such a bad idea....lol

Ditter,
Thanks for the hilarious mental images. My dogs and DD thought I'd lost my marbles since I was laughing so hard. :)

I'm a plus size lap swimmer, I wear the Sporti ultraback swim suits. I can stand trying to swim laps with a skirted suit.
This is the suit I have, bought the blue and the purple. This suit fits well and the straps don't fall down.
http://www.swimoutlet.com/product_p/...htm?color=9325
Sharon