What a retired husband does

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Oh no, now you all know my secret. Very funny!~

rofl, you are so funny thanks for all of the laughs

LOL Thank You Ditter!!! I needed a good laugh today and you always have the best ones. :D

BTW...my dogs think I'm crazy for sitting here laughing when no one else is home. :D Please keep them coming :D

Thank you, Ditter. This made my day.

Oh No!! the news is already out and spreading....... now everyone knows how my husband behaves when I take him places!!! :oops: :oops: :oops:

LOL thanks for sharing! I will be passing this on. :lol:

Oh too Funnnny!!!! 8-)

I have read that before but it still made me laugh out loud!! thanks for the giggle.

And that is why I dont take my husband shopping with me...:) Thanks Ditter!!

Toooooo funny! I almost wet my pants!

That was a belly laugh out loud read...thank you!!!

OMG......that's my husband!!!!!

Thanks Ditter....needed a smile and as always you deliver!

quote=Ditter43]What a retired husband does

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.[/quote]

OMGosh that is soooooo funny. Im passing that on.[

Well Hi Ditter. Now I know why they talk about you so much.

Cute~

My word Ditter I laughed so hard and after the day I've had, man did I need it! Thanks so much.

Ditter, You did it again.. I always get a laugh from you. This is why I enjoy being single.

Ditter you did it again. Thanks

too funny!

Thanks Ditter! :thumbup:

lol Ditter you are a hoot :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Now it all makes sense every time I go to target I just thought it was some crazy person all this time it was my husband!!

I actually seen that happen in the stores, and saw the lady in fabrics roll her eyes. So funny.
Ginnie

Ok my Husband would so Do this it's really scarey!!!!! :mrgreen:

You're THE BEST! Keep those laughs coming, we all need 'em!

Oh my god, was that funny, can,t stop laughing!!!

Can't tell you how much I loved this one! You did it again Ditter, keep 'em coming!

LOL just love it!

Oh my gosh ... that's the funniest thing I have ever read. I'm sending it to everybody I know!!! Thanks.

Can you explain to me how you "send it", other than copying by hand. Thanks, Ditter, we need a chuckle every day!

I highlighted the text and then clicked on Control-C, went into my e=mail and opened a new message and clicked on Control-V to paste it in the message.

Thanks for telling how to copy, send etc. Now I'll try it.

Oh Ditter I am In Tears, Thanks for Sharing that is to Funny.

Oh my those are funny

So funny, Thanks

Ditter, Too, TOOOO FUNNY!!!!! Thank you.

too funny, still lol

With my husbands sense of humor, I can see him doing some of these things. LOTS OF LAUGHTER!!!!