When you must make a decision how do you decide what to do. My DH and I have talked about the "what if" something happen to you what should I do. I live in Texas and really do not know anyone here. My son lives near Atlanta,Ga some 1,400 miles away. What things do I need to know? I know I would not stay here alone. Have you talked to your spouse about this type of situation?

As long as you know (and him too, in case something happens to you)where are all the important documents are and how to pay the bills (the what and when) all other decisions will come in time. What matters is not to rush into anything you may regret later. Grief is not a period to make life changing decisions. Make some friends and have a small support group since your family may not be able to assist immediately.

What do you mean? If one of you dies? Or is incapacitated in some way?
You should both have living will and "Health Care power of attorney" for your spouse.

Also, are you both involved in financial matters, paying bills, managing money/investments, etc.? It is not a good idea if only ONE spouse does all this.

Yup, made our wills and made burial arrangements shortly after the kids moved away. Let them know for "just in case". Written instructions in a safe place where they know about it.

What would I do if just me left? I would move closer to my daughter in a heartbeat.

Edit: I pay the bills, he finds the money. We both participate in financial matters.

I don't understand nor speak spanish. so making friends is almost impossible. This really makes things hard. No I am not in Mexico . We moved here from Tennessee for medical availability . My husband can't take the cold anymore. I on the
otherhand am overwhelmed by the heat. 100 plus is just too hot. I do quilt and stay in for that reason. I am not whining
just needed to put things into thought. Always over-prepare.
:-o

What matters is not to rush into anything you may regret later. Grief is not a period to make life changing decisions.
-----------
You should both have living will and "Health Care power of attorney" for your spouse
--------------------------------------
Both are excellent ideas that everyone should have in place.

Our lawyer told us both that the one remaining should NOT make any big changes legally for ONE YEAR afterwards because you will be almost brain dead from grief. You absolutely WILL make some terrible decisions that will not be good for you.

When one of my sisters was widowed, she suddenly was mad to sell her nice house and go live near a brother in NM. Another sister and I made her go visit brother and she returned almost in shock. It was a desert, which most of us hated after being raised in WV and the rest of them in Ohio. She took a few years before selling out...

I see that your location in your profile is "in hiding." There are lots of us living in Texas who are active in posting on this board. Would you tell which county you live in? Maybe you are close to someone you could meet and quilt with. Hiding is not a friendly way to meet new friends but it is safe. And few of us are happy with our summer weather. I only go outside to go to the mailbox or to the truck.

I live in Mission, which is close to McAllen Tx 78572

If something happened to my DH, I'd stay right where I'm at. I can't stand living in the city or being around neighbors. I like people, I just don't want them living next to me. I'm not a real "sociable" person, so I don't mind being by myself all the time, besides I have animals to keep me company.

The important things are that both of you know your financial "stuff" and how to get to it. Know your life insurance policies if you have them, have your living wills made and the power of attorney health care and know where they are and make sure that they follow your wishes.

Sally 1612-why do you think that just because you don't speak Spanish, that you can't find friends? Remember, to have friends, you have to be a friend.

I would sit down and make a plan. Taking my time with it. There's no rush and you can change it whenever you want. That might relieve some of your "what if" fear. Once you make a plan, let your son know what your plan is. He might have some input.

I agree with the others about the Health Care Power of Attorney for both of you naming the other as the person to make health care decisions in case you can't. I would also suggest you each do a Durable Power of Attorney naming the other person so they can make financial and care decisions, as well. I needed the Durable Power of Attorney to admit my Mother into a nursing home so I could sign the paperwork since she could not.

Is you son permanently located near Atlanta? Or could he have to relocate due to employment issues sometime in the future? I am guessing there is a reason you chose south Texas to live. Have you retired there? Does your husband have health issues?

I lost my DH -- am remarried. All of the advice above is excellent!!! Knowing where everything is (bills, tax info, etc) important. I knew and yet, during that horrible time after, I had problems remembering and filling out paperwork. I can't imagine where I'd be if I'd not known anything!

This is a good idea for everyone - no matter what your health is, no matter how old you are. You never know when you'll be called home.

Thanks for your information. We have all paperwork and know where it is. Have told son same info. I guess it is just fear of have we covered everything. Since we both are 70+ years old some things go "thoughts" in your head. If you know what I mean. Can always learn from others experience. This all started because a friend in Tn has been told she has liver cancer.Not a drinker,never been. They are to tell here this week IF anything can give her hope. Then my other friend lost her husband also in Tn and made mistakes, I think, by signing everything over to her children.She is afraid of becomming ill and having to be put into a nurseing home. Guess this is what most people think about sometimes. Again thanks for all your replies and advice.

Have many friends in Tn, Hohenwald area. :)

I think it might depend on age, health, climate, etc. But, in my case I am 63 and retired. I love the south Florida climate; but my son lives in another state and I love him more. So, once health insurance allowed, I would move to a location near him. That is just my preference. I believe thinking and talking about it before hand would be beneficial (just intuition).

Son can't relocate because of job. Yep we both have health issue which are under control. Feel that Dr's here have saved us two or more times ...here....and we are retired.

:thumbup:

It may be more important then to stay put... but work on other issues such as building a support group (via quilting groups, etc), regularly planned visits to family, etc. Maybe your doctors could give advice as to good doctors available in another area, if you chose to relocate. It might be something to discuss with your doctors about your concerns.

I've been through it, hadn't discussed it but learned that you need to wait a while before making a decision. I eventually moved but dealt with death and all the issues. It really takes some time so its' best to know where things are in advance

It sounds as if you have everything you need there in Mission except cooler weather - which you will have about 9 months of the year- and good friends. The friends you have to look for and cultivate; they do not just happen. Join a quilting group or start a quilting group. Join a prayer/Bible study group - what ever is your interest. Be a friend in order to make a friend. Volunteer in order to meet people. The friends you left in Tennessee will be dying off - that' sad but true of our age group. Some will die, some will move away, that old gang will not stay the same so please do not pine for the old friends. Make new friends where you are. Don't worry that you don't speak Spanish, many other women speak English and Spanish so you can probably make friends with Hispanic ladies. You speak "Quilting". Find others who speak it also. Have fun!

Thanks everyone.... you lift my spirit. :)

Our oldest Daughter knows where I keep all important papers, she will be trustee after we die or can't function. Our oldest Granddaughter is now in early 20s. We have said what we want, everything ready to go.

[quote=Sally 1612]I don't understand nor speak spanish. so making friends is almost impossible. This really makes things hard. No I am not in Mexico .

I don't quite understand this...there should be plenty of English speaking people in TX...you shouldn't have to speak Spanish. Is it the area you live in? I'm sure there are board members near you that would love to meet for lunch or maybeyou could join a local guild. You would meet so many people who have the same interests.

It's hard sometimes to branch out but just take it a step at a time!!

you never know when something will happen I lost a dear friend this summer at 55 years of age. She was hit by lightening while tubing in the Ausable River.

Make a list of things you will need to do. Be detailed about it. Then, if you ever need the list, you will have it to guide you without doing any thinking which is hard to do during a stressful time. When my husband passed suddenly, I made a list but it was two days before I realized I hadn't included calling his sister! And, I concur, don't make any big changes for about a year. Grief is a form of temporary insanity (ask me how I know :)) and a person can find herself making all sorts of odd decisions.

I agree with the others about the Health Care Power of Attorney for both of you naming the other as the person to make health care decisions in case you can't. I would also suggest you each do a Durable Power of Attorney naming the other person so they can make financial and care decisions, as well. I needed the Durable Power of Attorney to admit my Mother into a nursing home so I could sign the paperwork since she could not.
------------------------------------
After DH's next to last stroke, I had the Power of Attorney (made out by our lawyer) which gave me the ability to choose his nursing home and what treatment he wanted (that he had signed at the lawyer's office). Having all these papers ready really did cut down ANY flack that might have otherwise come from his kids from first marriage, but they read the papers and then agreed with everything I did. Nice people, thanks to a forward thinking Dad. All through our marriage he made sure I knew what was what and we discussed all this for years, just in case.

Yes, we have discussed it. We have current wills, power of attorneys and living wills. It is a must to know the other person's wishes and have a plan in mind. I would not be living in a six bedroom house away from my children. Even though I have many many friends in the area I would be moving.

Yes, we have discussed it throughly. My FIL just passed away and that brought up the topic. If my husband goes first I plan to move where my family lives so I would have a support system. I don't want to stay in our huge house all by myself.

Yes, we talked this through several years ago and revisit the decisions when the family dynamic changes (a new grandchild born into a family might mean changing my plans to live with them, for example). I'm set, I know what I'll bring with me and where I'll go. It's a relief, actually, to have made these decisions when things are far, far calmer.

AARP has a great website for women called, Create.Decide.Share. The AARP website is http://www.aarp.org/relationships/ca...T-DECIDE_BMWM. Women tend to live longer than their spouses, so it is important for women to be prepared, and this website is great for that. It talks about finances, it talks about estate planning, it talks about community resources that are available if you need assistance if you're a widow, and most important, it talks about important conversations you need to have with husbands, family members and friends. I have found it to be very valuable, because people don't generally like to think about the day a spouse may not be there, so they don't plan, and they end up not having options. Husbands tend to assume that they have taken care of everything, so there's no need for discussion, when there is so much that we need to know to manage financially, how to maintain a home, what needs to be done once a spouse dies, and a whole host of other issues. I also went through this with my mother when my father died suddenly, and he had always taken care of everything, so she didn't know what she needed to know to live beyond him. The stress of that added to grief and her poor health I think, hastened her death. I won't have the same outcome because I will plan for that contingency. My two cents' worth.

have never talked about it to DH, but 2 of my 3 sons live within 5 miles of me and I have a town full of friends here.

I have always been told not to make any legal decisions till a year has passed. We own our home and one of the things I worried about was how I could keep this house and yard up by myself. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, so I can't do outside work very well. I am 70 now. My husband said to sell the house would be foolish because I can hire yard work and someone to maintain the house cheaper than moving into a senior residential home or selling and then renting an apartment. I am not afraid to live alone. I would definitely get an animal as a companion tho. I have two kids and one lives in Georgia and says when the time comes, I should move out there. The other son lives in Eastern Oregon out in the country and I would go stark raving mad living out there where there is no one near by. All my friends live here and they are important to me. So I probably would stay put. Jan

A few years ago we had to face the possible death of my husband due to cancer in his neck. He made a living will, we thoroughly discussed what I should do, we had three children at home at the time, and I've always known about our finances. We had a plan in place prior to anything possibly happening.. thank God it all turned out well and we are still alive and well!

Glad to hear it. Jan

My older brother was murdered when I was 30. My family couldn't cope with details about anything other than the funeral. I flew back East for the that and stayed to deal with the police, stolen property, collecting outstanding monies and eventually disposing of the business all the while two of the employees were trying to steal it. Since the murderer stole a lot of property, autos, business machines, and files, much had to be recreated and even reconstructed. Everything was taken "one crisis at a time".

One of the biggest things I learned was NEVER give original copies of anything to anyone. I didn't realize this until I gave an life insurance paper to them. Another thing is that even tho everyone will want an original death certificate, there are only two or three people/companies. Every thing turned out well and nearly everyone we had to deal with was helpful and compassionate. Most everything I did was to find out what the situation was and take their number. After I was able to discuss it or find out what was needed, I made notes about what I wanted to say and called them back WHEN I WAS PREPARED AND LESS STRESSED. You could do something similar so you can discuss it with your son.

My situation with DH would be different, and I have thought about. It is a scary prospect. I have a couple of pamphlets that I can refer to since I have no family here to rely on.

I am keeping up with all the posts. I have just printed material off the aarp site that was posted here. It looks like some of our papers need to be updated. We will do that asap. Also forwarding this same info to our son. He may need to do the same for his family. We spoke with last night and I said I wonder what has set me on to this....his reply was right on" well mom you do like to keep things organized" then he laughed at me. He is right, I DO organize things..for me.. :oops: :thumbup: Mabe theis info will be of use to other members?

I'm glad you found it useful and I agree, I think it would help others. It certainly helped me. I am updated on most everything or it is currently in the works.

Yes planning is very very important and not just for what happens after. I have that all settled, A DNR,daughter has power of attorney and the body is going to be donated. But I hadn't planned for living with out being able to work. Divorced at 38 left with nothing,struggled through till kids were grown, went to school at 48, had everything planned out for the next 10 yrs.Then health issues hit. Everything is still such a mess that if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have had the surgery. Daughter lost house , I lost everything(at least there is nothing for the kids to fight over. :-) . I am adjusting but its hard. If I had everything to do over, I would have put money in my mattress for sure and not told a soul.LOL

I live in Killeen TX and I am german so no family here, well my kids but they all live there own lives always like to meet new quilter friends

We're retired, no kids 65 and 62 and talk about it a lot as we spend a lot of time traveling together in a car and feel it's likely we might die together in a car accident! We've got wills, POA, health care proxies and financial advisers we trust. I usually do finances, have told DH to let financial guys continue to manage and keep the accts with Schwab so less chance of embezzlement, etc. I'm not sure he knows where everything is quite, but it's in file drawers with labels, mostly!

I've told him to remarry if I go first if he finds someone...it's more likely he would be able to remarry then me, just law of averages...

He would buy motorcycle and take off on road trip or so he says, not right away, of course, I'd pretty much stay in our condo until I can no longer do the few stairs or get help, as I'm already disabled. Without his help I would have to pay for all the things he does for me including driving me to far dr's appts, grocery shopping, etc.
We talk about it, but hope it won't be a problem for a long time, guess I think by thinking about it ahead it's less likely to throw either of us for a loop....but I'm sure we'll be stunned as everyone is always.

My husband passed away almost 7 years ago...it took a lot longer than a year to be able to make a decision on what to do....and for the time being, the decision was to stay in my house, as I still had sons at home (they were 14 and 17 when their dad died). Oldest is moved out and lives 3 hours away, at least for now...and possible will move even farther away for his job in time. Youngest is a senior at college...and I can feel that the time to think about moving is getting closer. Once he graduates, I will probably downsize and move somewhere where I don't have the upkeep that I have on this house. I don't know yet if he will be job searching in this area, or further away...and what I will do if he moves out of the area. I don't have family here, but this is where I have lived for 18 years, and where my closest friends are. And I do have family other than my son 3 hours away, so that is also a possibility. Definitely won't make a decision until I know it is the right one.

My husband and I have all paperwork and wills, etc....done however I do wonder what will happen to me if he passes first? I have no children. Who will take care of me?