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Thread: when the chips are down?

  1. #1
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    When you must make a decision how do you decide what to do. My DH and I have talked about the "what if" something happen to you what should I do. I live in Texas and really do not know anyone here. My son lives near Atlanta,Ga some 1,400 miles away. What things do I need to know? I know I would not stay here alone. Have you talked to your spouse about this type of situation?

  2. #2
    Super Member Maride's Avatar
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    As long as you know (and him too, in case something happens to you)where are all the important documents are and how to pay the bills (the what and when) all other decisions will come in time. What matters is not to rush into anything you may regret later. Grief is not a period to make life changing decisions. Make some friends and have a small support group since your family may not be able to assist immediately.

  3. #3
    Super Member ptquilts's Avatar
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    What do you mean? If one of you dies? Or is incapacitated in some way?
    You should both have living will and "Health Care power of attorney" for your spouse.

    Also, are you both involved in financial matters, paying bills, managing money/investments, etc.? It is not a good idea if only ONE spouse does all this.

  4. #4
    Super Member dakotamaid's Avatar
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    Yup, made our wills and made burial arrangements shortly after the kids moved away. Let them know for "just in case". Written instructions in a safe place where they know about it.

    What would I do if just me left? I would move closer to my daughter in a heartbeat.

    Edit: I pay the bills, he finds the money. We both participate in financial matters.

  5. #5
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    I don't understand nor speak spanish. so making friends is almost impossible. This really makes things hard. No I am not in Mexico . We moved here from Tennessee for medical availability . My husband can't take the cold anymore. I on the
    otherhand am overwhelmed by the heat. 100 plus is just too hot. I do quilt and stay in for that reason. I am not whining
    just needed to put things into thought. Always over-prepare.
    :-o

  6. #6
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    What matters is not to rush into anything you may regret later. Grief is not a period to make life changing decisions.
    -----------
    You should both have living will and "Health Care power of attorney" for your spouse
    --------------------------------------
    Both are excellent ideas that everyone should have in place.

    Our lawyer told us both that the one remaining should NOT make any big changes legally for ONE YEAR afterwards because you will be almost brain dead from grief. You absolutely WILL make some terrible decisions that will not be good for you.

    When one of my sisters was widowed, she suddenly was mad to sell her nice house and go live near a brother in NM. Another sister and I made her go visit brother and she returned almost in shock. It was a desert, which most of us hated after being raised in WV and the rest of them in Ohio. She took a few years before selling out...

  7. #7
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    I see that your location in your profile is "in hiding." There are lots of us living in Texas who are active in posting on this board. Would you tell which county you live in? Maybe you are close to someone you could meet and quilt with. Hiding is not a friendly way to meet new friends but it is safe. And few of us are happy with our summer weather. I only go outside to go to the mailbox or to the truck.

  8. #8
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    I live in Mission, which is close to McAllen Tx 78572

  9. #9
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    If something happened to my DH, I'd stay right where I'm at. I can't stand living in the city or being around neighbors. I like people, I just don't want them living next to me. I'm not a real "sociable" person, so I don't mind being by myself all the time, besides I have animals to keep me company.

    The important things are that both of you know your financial "stuff" and how to get to it. Know your life insurance policies if you have them, have your living wills made and the power of attorney health care and know where they are and make sure that they follow your wishes.

    Sally 1612-why do you think that just because you don't speak Spanish, that you can't find friends? Remember, to have friends, you have to be a friend.

  10. #10
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    I would sit down and make a plan. Taking my time with it. There's no rush and you can change it whenever you want. That might relieve some of your "what if" fear. Once you make a plan, let your son know what your plan is. He might have some input.

    I agree with the others about the Health Care Power of Attorney for both of you naming the other as the person to make health care decisions in case you can't. I would also suggest you each do a Durable Power of Attorney naming the other person so they can make financial and care decisions, as well. I needed the Durable Power of Attorney to admit my Mother into a nursing home so I could sign the paperwork since she could not.

  11. #11
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    Is you son permanently located near Atlanta? Or could he have to relocate due to employment issues sometime in the future? I am guessing there is a reason you chose south Texas to live. Have you retired there? Does your husband have health issues?

  12. #12
    Super Member amandasgramma's Avatar
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    I lost my DH -- am remarried. All of the advice above is excellent!!! Knowing where everything is (bills, tax info, etc) important. I knew and yet, during that horrible time after, I had problems remembering and filling out paperwork. I can't imagine where I'd be if I'd not known anything!

    This is a good idea for everyone - no matter what your health is, no matter how old you are. You never know when you'll be called home.

  13. #13
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    Thanks for your information. We have all paperwork and know where it is. Have told son same info. I guess it is just fear of have we covered everything. Since we both are 70+ years old some things go "thoughts" in your head. If you know what I mean. Can always learn from others experience. This all started because a friend in Tn has been told she has liver cancer.Not a drinker,never been. They are to tell here this week IF anything can give her hope. Then my other friend lost her husband also in Tn and made mistakes, I think, by signing everything over to her children.She is afraid of becomming ill and having to be put into a nurseing home. Guess this is what most people think about sometimes. Again thanks for all your replies and advice.

    Have many friends in Tn, Hohenwald area. :)

  14. #14
    Senior Member flowerjoy's Avatar
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    I think it might depend on age, health, climate, etc. But, in my case I am 63 and retired. I love the south Florida climate; but my son lives in another state and I love him more. So, once health insurance allowed, I would move to a location near him. That is just my preference. I believe thinking and talking about it before hand would be beneficial (just intuition).

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by TanyaL
    Is you son permanently located near Atlanta? Or could he have to relocate due to employment issues sometime in the future? I am guessing there is a reason you chose south Texas to live. Have you retired there? Does your husband have health issues?
    Son can't relocate because of job. Yep we both have health issue which are under control. Feel that Dr's here have saved us two or more times ...here....and we are retired.

    :thumbup:

  16. #16
    Senior Member flowerjoy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sally 1612
    Quote Originally Posted by TanyaL
    Is you son permanently located near Atlanta? Or could he have to relocate due to employment issues sometime in the future? I am guessing there is a reason you chose south Texas to live. Have you retired there? Does your husband have health issues?
    Son can't relocate because of job. Yep we both have health issue which are under control. Feel that Dr's here have saved us two or more times ...here....and we are retired.

    :thumbup:
    It may be more important then to stay put... but work on other issues such as building a support group (via quilting groups, etc), regularly planned visits to family, etc. Maybe your doctors could give advice as to good doctors available in another area, if you chose to relocate. It might be something to discuss with your doctors about your concerns.

  17. #17
    Super Member patski's Avatar
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    I've been through it, hadn't discussed it but learned that you need to wait a while before making a decision. I eventually moved but dealt with death and all the issues. It really takes some time so its' best to know where things are in advance

  18. #18
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    It sounds as if you have everything you need there in Mission except cooler weather - which you will have about 9 months of the year- and good friends. The friends you have to look for and cultivate; they do not just happen. Join a quilting group or start a quilting group. Join a prayer/Bible study group - what ever is your interest. Be a friend in order to make a friend. Volunteer in order to meet people. The friends you left in Tennessee will be dying off - that' sad but true of our age group. Some will die, some will move away, that old gang will not stay the same so please do not pine for the old friends. Make new friends where you are. Don't worry that you don't speak Spanish, many other women speak English and Spanish so you can probably make friends with Hispanic ladies. You speak "Quilting". Find others who speak it also. Have fun!

  19. #19
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    Thanks everyone.... you lift my spirit. :)

  20. #20
    Power Poster Jingle's Avatar
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    Our oldest Daughter knows where I keep all important papers, she will be trustee after we die or can't function. Our oldest Granddaughter is now in early 20s. We have said what we want, everything ready to go.

  21. #21
    Super Member Nanamoms's Avatar
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    [quote=Sally 1612]I don't understand nor speak spanish. so making friends is almost impossible. This really makes things hard. No I am not in Mexico .

    I don't quite understand this...there should be plenty of English speaking people in TX...you shouldn't have to speak Spanish. Is it the area you live in? I'm sure there are board members near you that would love to meet for lunch or maybeyou could join a local guild. You would meet so many people who have the same interests.

    It's hard sometimes to branch out but just take it a step at a time!!

  22. #22
    Member sculham's Avatar
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    you never know when something will happen I lost a dear friend this summer at 55 years of age. She was hit by lightening while tubing in the Ausable River.

  23. #23
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    Make a list of things you will need to do. Be detailed about it. Then, if you ever need the list, you will have it to guide you without doing any thinking which is hard to do during a stressful time. When my husband passed suddenly, I made a list but it was two days before I realized I hadn't included calling his sister! And, I concur, don't make any big changes for about a year. Grief is a form of temporary insanity (ask me how I know :)) and a person can find herself making all sorts of odd decisions.

  24. #24
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    I agree with the others about the Health Care Power of Attorney for both of you naming the other as the person to make health care decisions in case you can't. I would also suggest you each do a Durable Power of Attorney naming the other person so they can make financial and care decisions, as well. I needed the Durable Power of Attorney to admit my Mother into a nursing home so I could sign the paperwork since she could not.
    ------------------------------------
    After DH's next to last stroke, I had the Power of Attorney (made out by our lawyer) which gave me the ability to choose his nursing home and what treatment he wanted (that he had signed at the lawyer's office). Having all these papers ready really did cut down ANY flack that might have otherwise come from his kids from first marriage, but they read the papers and then agreed with everything I did. Nice people, thanks to a forward thinking Dad. All through our marriage he made sure I knew what was what and we discussed all this for years, just in case.

  25. #25
    Junior Member drw1mjw2's Avatar
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    Yes, we have discussed it. We have current wills, power of attorneys and living wills. It is a must to know the other person's wishes and have a plan in mind. I would not be living in a six bedroom house away from my children. Even though I have many many friends in the area I would be moving.

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