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Thread: when the chips are down?

  1. #26
    Super Member mhansen6's Avatar
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    Yes, we have discussed it throughly. My FIL just passed away and that brought up the topic. If my husband goes first I plan to move where my family lives so I would have a support system. I don't want to stay in our huge house all by myself.

  2. #27
    Super Member Wunder-Mar's Avatar
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    Yes, we talked this through several years ago and revisit the decisions when the family dynamic changes (a new grandchild born into a family might mean changing my plans to live with them, for example). I'm set, I know what I'll bring with me and where I'll go. It's a relief, actually, to have made these decisions when things are far, far calmer.

  3. #28
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    AARP has a great website for women called, Create.Decide.Share. The AARP website is http://www.aarp.org/relationships/ca...T-DECIDE_BMWM. Women tend to live longer than their spouses, so it is important for women to be prepared, and this website is great for that. It talks about finances, it talks about estate planning, it talks about community resources that are available if you need assistance if you're a widow, and most important, it talks about important conversations you need to have with husbands, family members and friends. I have found it to be very valuable, because people don't generally like to think about the day a spouse may not be there, so they don't plan, and they end up not having options. Husbands tend to assume that they have taken care of everything, so there's no need for discussion, when there is so much that we need to know to manage financially, how to maintain a home, what needs to be done once a spouse dies, and a whole host of other issues. I also went through this with my mother when my father died suddenly, and he had always taken care of everything, so she didn't know what she needed to know to live beyond him. The stress of that added to grief and her poor health I think, hastened her death. I won't have the same outcome because I will plan for that contingency. My two cents' worth.

  4. #29
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    have never talked about it to DH, but 2 of my 3 sons live within 5 miles of me and I have a town full of friends here.

  5. #30
    Super Member mshawii's Avatar
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    I have always been told not to make any legal decisions till a year has passed. We own our home and one of the things I worried about was how I could keep this house and yard up by myself. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, so I can't do outside work very well. I am 70 now. My husband said to sell the house would be foolish because I can hire yard work and someone to maintain the house cheaper than moving into a senior residential home or selling and then renting an apartment. I am not afraid to live alone. I would definitely get an animal as a companion tho. I have two kids and one lives in Georgia and says when the time comes, I should move out there. The other son lives in Eastern Oregon out in the country and I would go stark raving mad living out there where there is no one near by. All my friends live here and they are important to me. So I probably would stay put. Jan

  6. #31
    thismomquilts's Avatar
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    A few years ago we had to face the possible death of my husband due to cancer in his neck. He made a living will, we thoroughly discussed what I should do, we had three children at home at the time, and I've always known about our finances. We had a plan in place prior to anything possibly happening.. thank God it all turned out well and we are still alive and well!

  7. #32
    Super Member mshawii's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thismomquilts
    A few years ago we had to face the possible death of my husband due to cancer in his neck. He made a living will, we thoroughly discussed what I should do, we had three children at home at the time, and I've always known about our finances. We had a plan in place prior to anything possibly happening.. thank God it all turned out well and we are still alive and well!
    Glad to hear it. Jan

  8. #33
    Senior Member BARES's Avatar
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    My older brother was murdered when I was 30. My family couldn't cope with details about anything other than the funeral. I flew back East for the that and stayed to deal with the police, stolen property, collecting outstanding monies and eventually disposing of the business all the while two of the employees were trying to steal it. Since the murderer stole a lot of property, autos, business machines, and files, much had to be recreated and even reconstructed. Everything was taken "one crisis at a time".

    One of the biggest things I learned was NEVER give original copies of anything to anyone. I didn't realize this until I gave an life insurance paper to them. Another thing is that even tho everyone will want an original death certificate, there are only two or three people/companies. Every thing turned out well and nearly everyone we had to deal with was helpful and compassionate. Most everything I did was to find out what the situation was and take their number. After I was able to discuss it or find out what was needed, I made notes about what I wanted to say and called them back WHEN I WAS PREPARED AND LESS STRESSED. You could do something similar so you can discuss it with your son.

    My situation with DH would be different, and I have thought about. It is a scary prospect. I have a couple of pamphlets that I can refer to since I have no family here to rely on.

  9. #34
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    I am keeping up with all the posts. I have just printed material off the aarp site that was posted here. It looks like some of our papers need to be updated. We will do that asap. Also forwarding this same info to our son. He may need to do the same for his family. We spoke with last night and I said I wonder what has set me on to this....his reply was right on" well mom you do like to keep things organized" then he laughed at me. He is right, I DO organize things..for me.. :oops: :thumbup: Mabe theis info will be of use to other members?

  10. #35
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    I'm glad you found it useful and I agree, I think it would help others. It certainly helped me. I am updated on most everything or it is currently in the works.

  11. #36
    Super Member damaquilts's Avatar
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    Yes planning is very very important and not just for what happens after. I have that all settled, A DNR,daughter has power of attorney and the body is going to be donated. But I hadn't planned for living with out being able to work. Divorced at 38 left with nothing,struggled through till kids were grown, went to school at 48, had everything planned out for the next 10 yrs.Then health issues hit. Everything is still such a mess that if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have had the surgery. Daughter lost house , I lost everything(at least there is nothing for the kids to fight over. :-) . I am adjusting but its hard. If I had everything to do over, I would have put money in my mattress for sure and not told a soul.LOL

  12. #37
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    I live in Killeen TX and I am german so no family here, well my kids but they all live there own lives always like to meet new quilter friends

  13. #38
    Super Member greenini's Avatar
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    We're retired, no kids 65 and 62 and talk about it a lot as we spend a lot of time traveling together in a car and feel it's likely we might die together in a car accident! We've got wills, POA, health care proxies and financial advisers we trust. I usually do finances, have told DH to let financial guys continue to manage and keep the accts with Schwab so less chance of embezzlement, etc. I'm not sure he knows where everything is quite, but it's in file drawers with labels, mostly!

    I've told him to remarry if I go first if he finds someone...it's more likely he would be able to remarry then me, just law of averages...

    He would buy motorcycle and take off on road trip or so he says, not right away, of course, I'd pretty much stay in our condo until I can no longer do the few stairs or get help, as I'm already disabled. Without his help I would have to pay for all the things he does for me including driving me to far dr's appts, grocery shopping, etc.
    We talk about it, but hope it won't be a problem for a long time, guess I think by thinking about it ahead it's less likely to throw either of us for a loop....but I'm sure we'll be stunned as everyone is always.

  14. #39
    Super Member patchsamkim's Avatar
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    My husband passed away almost 7 years ago...it took a lot longer than a year to be able to make a decision on what to do....and for the time being, the decision was to stay in my house, as I still had sons at home (they were 14 and 17 when their dad died). Oldest is moved out and lives 3 hours away, at least for now...and possible will move even farther away for his job in time. Youngest is a senior at college...and I can feel that the time to think about moving is getting closer. Once he graduates, I will probably downsize and move somewhere where I don't have the upkeep that I have on this house. I don't know yet if he will be job searching in this area, or further away...and what I will do if he moves out of the area. I don't have family here, but this is where I have lived for 18 years, and where my closest friends are. And I do have family other than my son 3 hours away, so that is also a possibility. Definitely won't make a decision until I know it is the right one.

  15. #40
    Super Member donnalynett's Avatar
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    My husband and I have all paperwork and wills, etc....done however I do wonder what will happen to me if he passes first? I have no children. Who will take care of me?

  16. #41
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    I think that is one of the scariest things to face, that and the people whose children abandon them when they are old.
    At some point you maybe should investigate assisted living facilities while the two of you are still together.

  17. #42
    Super Member damaquilts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by donnalynett
    My husband and I have all paperwork and wills, etc....done however I do wonder what will happen to me if he passes first? I have no children. Who will take care of me?
    Sometimes it doesn't matter if you have children they end up not taking care of you anyway.
    You need to make sure you have a plan in place and the money to take care of yourself.
    Right now I am living with my brother. so at least I have a roof over my head. Who knows how long that will last.

  18. #43
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    Something else to do, is to have someone that you trust will honor your wishes as to your living will, named in your will, in case something were to happen to both of you and neither one were able to make medical decisions.

  19. #44
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    I would include your son in the conversation as well. My husband is in poor health and we've talked and we've planned and we've brought our daughter into the plans. So we all know what each of us wants - will do. Its much better to have talked it through when you can think and plan than make decisions in crisis. DD made wonderful suggestions and is alternate on both Health POAs and knows our wishes. Because we've been calm she's been calm and its comforting to know where we're going. Like the secret family word if we needed help or the fire escape plan and meeting location in an emergency. Preparations and plans mitigate crisis.

  20. #45
    Super Member Rann's Avatar
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    Make sure both your names are on everything.

  21. #46
    Super Member greenini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rann
    Make sure both your names are on everything.
    Rann,
    that might also be a question for a lawyer. For some things it might be better that it's not joint ownership.

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