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Thread: And that's when the fight started....Lots of laughs

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    Deb Watkins suggested I post these......So here you are!! Have a few extra laughs today!

    Joke #1:


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.


    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"


    "No," she answered.


    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"


    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."


    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."




    And that's when the fight started....




    ************************************************** ******************
    Joke #2:


    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.


    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.


    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"




    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** ***********************
    Joke #3:


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.


    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'


    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'




    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** ************************
    Joke #4:


    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy s***. That must be my husband!'


    So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'


    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'




    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** *******************
    Joke#5:


    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.


    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** ************************
    Joke#6:


    A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'


    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** ************************
    Joke#7:


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."


    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


    "Naaah, she can order for herself." I replied.




    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** *********************
    Joke #8:


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


    'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'




    And that's when the fight started....




    ************************************************** *************************
    Joke #9:


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


    She said, 'That silverhair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'




    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** ***********************
    Joke #10:


    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.




    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************** **************************
    Joke #11:


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'


    I bought her a scale.




    And that's when the fight started....

  2. #2
    Quilting Di's Avatar
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    My cheeks hurt from trying not to laugh out loud (reading at work :oops: )! Thanks for the funnies :thumbup:

  3. #3
    Power Poster sueisallaboutquilts's Avatar
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    OMGosh, those are hilarious!@!

    Years ago I used to watch Rodney Dangerfield on the Tonight Show. One joke I always remember and still laugh is this one.

    My wife and I were at a restaurant reading the menus. I asked her what she wanted.
    Her reply- The waiter!
    hahahahaha

    That guy "didn't get no respect"

  4. #4
    Senior Member wichypoo's Avatar
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    These are pure gems for those of a certain age and maybe those that are real "married". thanks you made laugh out loud.
    :lol:

  5. #5
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    Those are great! Thanks for the laughter!

  6. #6
    Senior Member kat112000's Avatar
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    OH MY, those were GOOD!!!!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Boopers's Avatar
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    Ditter, Thank you. I always know it is going to be a good day when it starts with a chuckle. Today is going to be GREAT!!!!!

  8. #8
    Super Member
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    Very funny - thanks so much for posting :lol:

  9. #9
    Super Member LeeAnn's Avatar
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    Very funny! Thanks for the laughs!

  10. #10
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    Made my day!!

  11. #11
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    Still laughing, thanks for posting the jokes.

  12. #12
    Super Member beachlady's Avatar
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    Such good fighting jokes!!

  13. #13
    Magdalena's Avatar
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    Thanks for the morning pick-me-up.

  14. #14
    Super Member misseva's Avatar
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    i'm about to split wide open trying to not lol cause i'm at work.

  15. #15
    Super Member Deb watkins's Avatar
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    Ditter, I KNEW you would come through for me! I love #5 and #9 the best.

  16. #16
    Super Member Gramof6's Avatar
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    :-D I just love these! :-D Thank You for posting these today.

  17. #17
    Super Member grammiepamie's Avatar
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    Those were great. I turned on the nebulizer for air!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yea Ditter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. #18
    Super Member grammiepamie's Avatar
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    Those were great!!!!!!!!!I turned on the nebulizer for air!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yea Ditter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. #19
    Super Member grammiepamie's Avatar
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    Those deserved 2 comments!!!!!!!

  20. #20
    Senior Member stitchingmemories's Avatar
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    Those were great Ditter. I can always count on you for a laugh! Thank you!!

  21. #21
    Super Member shequilts's Avatar
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    "Good stuff and she's "here all week."
    karen

  22. #22
    Google Goddess craftybear's Avatar
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    thank you, rofl

  23. #23
    Senior Member
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    All of them made me laugh, but #3 and #9 were the best.
    Thank you Ditter

  24. #24
    Super Member grann of 6's Avatar
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    Thank you, Ditter. I needed that. My next door neighbor depresses me; she stopped by today.

  25. #25
    Power Poster ann clare's Avatar
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    Brilliant. No 8 is my favourite.

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