Chatty Cathy
 

I am feeling so frustrated this a.m. I have been going to a small quilt group for a while and we all just bonded and really had good productive get togethers. Last month a gal who is new to the area dropped by and made noises about joining us. This time she came. Wow can she talk!!! Been everywhere, done everything, etc. You know the type, I suspect. It just ruined the whole day. I realize she's new, probably nervous and anxious for friends etc., but the group could fold if this continues. No, she was not invited, but we meet in a public place and the drop in issues has never come up. No one knows her, so can't really take her aside and suggest she talk less. Any ideas? Several people have said they won't continue if she keeps this up. Of course no one wants to confront her. Thanks for ideas.

Yes I know the type, and they seldom change. Gentle confrontation won't help but will leave you feeling more miserable. Maybe you could start meeting somewhere else for a while?

We had a new member in our guild who talked non stop about everything. Everyone would gravitate away from her. I found out by listening and letting her talk she has indeed had a life many would envy! The movie Auntie Mame reminds me of her. LOL. She had more adventures in her life that anyone I know that were funny, serious, dangerous, and just plain amazing. The woman's DH passed away and she moved here to be close to her son and his family. She wasn't trying to be a know it all (she truly does know most all) she just wanted to remember her life she missed so much and the only way to do that was by talking about it. She is guild treasure and a good friend to all. Don't dismiss the chatty cathy just yet, get to know her.

As quite a Chatty Cathy myself sometimes, please give her another chance. In a new group, she may have felt the need to introduce herself and let y'all know what she is about. It's hard being the new kid to a bunch friends who are already acquainted. If she still dominates the conversation after a few visits, I think the lunch idea is terrific. It also makes a difference if she is "dumping on y'all" or just telling more info than you want to know.

Auntie Mame, I love that movie!!!!!! Guess I am showing my age here:eek:. Jan

It's ageless! My granddaughter use to watch it many times during her summer break when she was with me. Such a fun movie!

give her a bit more time. nerves can do a lot to a person. I quit a group that split into "groups" / clicks to chat near the end. can't stand that. good luck.

Sorry, I thought you were talking about the doll. My oldest Daughter still has hers.

Turn on some music then if she talks over it say you cant hear the music!

Wow, I agree with the others. Maybe she was just trying to fit in. Besides, our sewing group does not get together to be quiet. We are always talking to each other. If I wanted to just be in total quietness and sew I would stay home and sew alone. I imagine that in the past when ladies got together for quilting bees they did not sit and sew in silence. To me this is suppose to be a social time not quiet time. That is just me. Sounds like she needs and wants the friendship or she would not have come there in the first place. I suggest that you take the time to get to know her better.

It is difficult when one person monopolizes the conversation. We all have things to say and much to offer to any conversation. None of us likes to have a one sided conversation going on. I have a friend who does that - when she gets in a group all conversation is about her, what she has done, where she is going - every attempt to change the conversation to another topic so everyone can join in is quickly changed back to her favorite topic - herself. I rarely join any group when she is involved.

I'm also wondering if it might get better if you give her a second chance. Maybe after she's attended a few meetings she'll understand the personality of the group better.

However, if that's not the case, moving the venue to a private home might be a good idea. My group rotates homes every month and it's always a potluck.

Thanks for encouragement and ideas. Nammie hit the problem head on. It is all about her so far. The group is not quiet. Actually we talk a lot about a lot of things, but it is usually lots of topics without a person monopolizing the time. We were not well acquainted before this group started and now we are close and enjoy each other without any pressure. All of us are long time quilters and tend to be loners, which is why the friendship in this group is surprising. We want to just come, visit, and work on our own projects, not be a support group. Right now she's feeling like a high maintenance and high drama person. I have no problem getting involved with people and reaching out, but this time I don't feel like this gal is supposed to be part of my bundle. And it's not because I'm being selfish.

Please give the lady another chance. I talk a lot more than I should when I am in a situation that makes me nervous. I know I'm doing it, I try so hard not to do it but for the life of me I just can't help myself.

Ladies she may be unaware she is talking too much. I was a member of a small quilt group we were all new. Some days after a welcome cup of coffee I would talk non stop. They all started joking with me. Problem was I drank decaf at home and my first drink at group was full strength. It was a caffeine boost. Also I live alone only talk to my dogs after a life time of teaching and talking non stop all day. The group just laugh now and the friend I sit next to would switch off until I asked her a question. Now adays I have a full coffee drink before I leave home or get to group.

The chatterer I get annoyed with is the one who plays different people in the group up against each other. We had one who would go around the group in a loud voice ask each the same question and then compare our replies and discuss them. We ended up with her sitting near to a lady who should have worn a hearing aid and never did. Periodically the deaf lady would 'grunt' and it satisfied the chatterbox.
Good luck in your problem solving . Why not suggest she reads this thread.

I was astonished that you call this lady your 'friend'!

I'm fairly sure that most of my friends are happy to be in my company. I would be devastated if I thought they didn't join a group because of me.

In fact, I would be thoroughly questioning our 'friendship'.

I moved to a new town over ten years ago. I am a talker but I found myself yakking more than normal to new groups out of nervousness. I had just gotten married (only time, midlife) and I was kind of freaking out inside trying to find my sea legs and adjust to my new life...HUGE move to a new location just a week after my wedding. From large metro area to the country life. My"identity" was in transition and being reinvented. I found it easier to adjust to being married but adjusting to the identity of living in the country and not knowing anyone...i yakked away. I am so much better now. I found my sea legs.

Give her a chance to settle in. The one -on -one lunch with her is a great idea. Perhaps other members will take your example to meet her for lunch or coffee, too, on their own. Easier to get acquainted with only two meeting vs. a group.

Btw, My God mother gave me a Chatty Cathy for my birthday, i wanted that doll so bad! I wish Mom had not gotten rid of it. She liked to pitch without asking. Woud have been fun to have kept the doll. Maybe I wore her out.....the doll..and my mom! LOL!

sandy

Some people when new, feel the need for incessant talking. Others feel the need to sit quietly and say nothing. Perhaps things will be different for the second meeting. I say give her a second chance. Then take her to lunch and suggest she tone it down.

I have a co-worker who, no matter what the topic of conversation, has done that, been there, and can top it. Some of us avoid him like the plague and others like him. I'd say it's a personality match. If none of you like this woman then I would move the meeting place to a private home for a while.

I thin Oma66 has the best response, kind and considerate. You don't know what compels this woman to chat non-stop, it very well could be her way of trying to be friendly, reaching out to your group. She may be very lonely or living a troubled life and looking for some peace and solace from a group of women. I think it is hard to walk into a group that has been together for a while because there is already an air of companionship in a group that I'm not a part of. She may be simply introducing herself, letting you know what she has accomplished in case someone else finds something about her that they can connect with. I wouldn't assume she is just a know-it-all. Give her a chance, friendship is a precious commodity that a lot of people don't have.

"The group could fold if this continues" I'm sorry but your group sounds extremely judgmental and not the type of group I would want to be a part of. The intolerance is pretty astounding after just one very nervous first meeting for your new "friend" I'm surprised ya didn't all stone her while you were busy talking behind her back.

Is there someone in the group with leadership qualities, who could take the initiative, and when she starts talking about herself, make a pointed remark, like "Cathy, it sounds like you travel a lot" (if she was talking about travel, for instance) Or "Wow, you must go shopping a lot"(if she talks about things she buys) and then say, to someone else, "Joan, I wanted to hear about your trip to Las Vegas" -- in other words, turn the conversation away from her. And if she butts in again, "I really want to hear what Joan is saying right now." And have a few people and topics you REALLY want to hear about at each meeting.

It would take someone with a strong personality, but maybe CC would get the point.

I'm a Chatty Cathy. I can talk about nothing for hours. I spend most of my days w/children or alone. My life is busy & full, but I still crave friendship. I tend to come across as a bit spacy. I reach out to other people, eventually I find ones that will accept me just the way I am. I have a huge heart. I'm generous. I'm kind. I'm a loyal friend. I've had many successes through out my life and many failures. I've had a lot of life experiences and I'm pretty much an open book. I try to accept people as they are, even if I think they're a wee bit odd. So long as a person causes no harm, who am I to say they are less in some way. I'm glad not every one I meet wrote me off that way. The people who know & love me have no problem say'n, "Woman, can you let me finish my sentence please!" We all laugh & I try hard to shut up. I can't help it... some people are compulsive shoppers, I'm a compulsive talker! I feel bad for the woman you're talking about. Perhaps once she feels a part of the group she won't have the need to be so chatty. Thank you Oma66 for being a person of acceptance. The world needs more of you. Now I know you can't be talking about me because we never meet. How many of us out here are incisive chatter boxes? They say that people come in to our lives for a reason... I hope you give this woman some time. Eventually she'll disappear if she senses she's not welcomed anyways.

please dont hurt her feelings... I know how she feels being the new person and she may not know any one else in the area... she is needing someone to talk to.. put yourself in her shoes... we are all new at one time and need someone to help us maybe suggest out loud to have some soothing music to play and then have talk time at the end of the quilting or before... this will give everyone time to reflect and enjoy their quilting time
hugs
quiltin mama

Perhaps when CC gets better acquainted she will tone it down. Sounds like nerves or maybe she's lonely and needs to connect with someone. People who live alone tend to talk more when they are with people. We women have a certain number of words to use each day and, if they aren't used they gotta come out somehow!

I would certainly give her another chance or maybe 3 or 4! Sometimes it's hard to be new in a group that is already established and sometimes it's hard to accept someone new into your group. She may turn out to be a super addition and a great friend! As long as she's not a Debby Downer or someone who puts other people down all the time, give her a chance to fit in.
As for the Chatty Cathy doll, i remember in grade school, we had to write a letter to Santa. The teacher gave them to our parents- i wanted a CC doll so bad! I did get one- loved that doll! Wish I had kept it.

I believe honesty is always the best policy.Just tell her tactfully that her chatter is disrupting the group and to please quiet down.

I get together the first Sat. of every month with 5 other ladies, at our local Library, from 9 to 4. We have been doing this for 5 or 6 years now. We usually have a pitch in, sometimes order out. We all bring our machines or hand work, whatever we want and we sew all day. We talk and laugh and a few times have even cryed together. Over the years we have had several ladies join us and all were welcome, they would come for awhile and then life would get in the way and they stopped coming. We let them know they were missed, and invited them to come back any time. But..... we had this one lady who came for awhile that drove us all nuts! she talked all the time and very loudly, she knew everything about everything, and was very critical of everyones projects. She could say the most hurtful things, no tact at all.
No one ever said anything to her about her behavior, but after awhile she stopped coming, she was not missed! I believe it was because she thought she was wasting her time and talents on us. Three of the women in our group have taught classes on quilting of one type or other, so I'd say we pretty much know what were doing. We were glad she stopped coming, and even happier that none of us had been rude to her.

I long to be a member of a small quilt group for friendship, the comfort of belonging for awhile. Now you know why I have only tried once and asked how to join a group. When the person telling me how to join and if "they" decided they would like to have me in the group after one or two times of "visiting" them finished talking, I knew that I would be judged a lot. Of course that's not what I was looking for. I still long for a group of people to quilt with but after that one encounter of asking, I have never sought out any other group.
margee

There are so many ideas going on here. I'm a chatty lady, especially in a new environment. I have to watch myself all the time to make myself calm down & let others have the floor. It has helped me a couple of times for someone to say privately to me "You really talk a lot, don't you?" Oddly, sometimes it's when you're in a bathroom, maybe on the way to your car after sewing. You never know when the opportunity to make your point will come up.

Perhaps no one has taken the time to let this lady know how she is affecting everyone. Maybe no one has ever told her that everyone gets a turn at visiting & talking, not just her. As a last resort, if she continues to come & continues the incessant chatter, then someone needs to throw the conversation to another person. Just bluntly say. Why don't we take turns today bringing everyone up to date on our lives? XXX What's going on with you? If she starts to take over the conversation, then just say gently.... we'll get to you in a moment, it's xxx turn.

The absolute last thing I would do is disband the group or start meeting somewhere else. Someone must be the adult/leader here & let this lady know the "manners" rule. And that she can't be the center of attention all the time.

Many people chatter non-stop, when they finally have an audience. I know someone like that, bless her heart! What worked for me, was to give the person a few minutes of quality listening and then move on, to another person. When Chatty interrupted, I'd just keep giving the other person my undivided attention. Eventually, I'd get back to Chatty for another dose, then move on again. She was more than happy to just keep chattering away to herself, just in case anyone was listening. ;)

I agree you should give this new person another chance. She may be very insecure and trying to impress everyone, to gain acceptance. Is there anything you do like about her? If so, point it out to her and maybe she'll stop trying to bombard you with all the other stuff. If that doesn't work, then try the "listen, ignore, listen" approach. :p

If she truly is a narcissist and is only there to talk about herself, she'll probably end up leaving on her own, if she's forced to share the spotlight.

I think you are missing the point. To me, it's not about judging, but about finding out if you are compatible with the group. This whole thread is about just this type of thing. Many things could cause you not to be compatible with a group....what if you love perfume, but one of the ladies is allergic to it? Would you quit wearing it? What if you always showed up but without all the things and were constantly borrowing from everyone, but not paying back? What if it was a relatively quiet group and you were the non-stop chatterer? The idea is for everyone to feel comfortable & enjoy the time together. Go...Visit...See if you like the others. You may not like them. On the other hand, you may just love them and them you. It could be just the group you are looking for.

OMA and BELLA said it well! give chatty a chance.

I would give her a second chance, as on occasion I've been the "chatty" one, but perhaps you could have a "coffee hour" after your meeting where people are encouraged to talk, but restrict talking to a minimum otherwise. it's worth a shot anyway.

We have a constant talker at work but she is bipolar. A girl from our quilt group brought her mother to a shop hop and the woman talked nonstop. She crochets so she started going to a splinter group of ours who knits. I couldn't stand it and dropped out. I really miss going and seeing everyone, but it was three hours of nonstop dribble. I gave it a good try.

I used to be part of a group that seemed to get along great. I was the outsider who traveled to their city to quilt with them. I was the traveler who had been all over the world, still traveling and they were the homebodies who thought a trip to the grocery store was a big deal. If this woman truly does not fit in, you won't have to say a word, she will get bored with you. It seems to me that women can say a lot when they don't even open their mouths. I am still friends with these other women, but I don't quilt with them weekly anymore.

To me this woman is just being herself and "the group" seems to be quick to judge. Maybe "the group" should step back and take a look at how they are acting. Imagine the possibility that maybe, just maybe the woman has already resolved the issue because she wasn't that impressed with then and doesn't care to be a part of their group.