I am so sorry to hear of this unfortunate
happening to the quilt you lovingly made
for your son. My Mother made a quilt for
my younger brother & when he moved,
he just left it in the apartment. Mom was
just crushed, so I know how you must
feel. He'll always be your son & I know
you love him. Do what's right for you!!
Thank you for sharing.
Cheryl

At this point I would probably be swinging my shotgun between the dog and the son, trying to decide which should see Jesus first.........

Love covers a multitude of mishaps. The answer depends on the reaction of the initial damage. If it makes you and your son happy to repair it, do it. If there is going to be any resentment attached from either side, let it be.

We all fail each other many times and altho' you put so much of yourself into making something special for your son to enjoy and hold dear, at the end of the day it's a possession, not the definition of your relationship.

Yes, it does hurt tremendously to see your work destroyed, but as others have said so much better, when it is given away you no longer own it. It's the risk any quilter takes on when giving away a project. It made you feel good to make it. That's your true payoff. It's icing on the cake if the recipient loves it and uses it, no matter the outcome.

You're a wonderful, caring mother that brings much joy to your family. I hope you've gotten some relief after reading all the posts and listening to your heart. :thumbup:

I understand that you were curious about how well the quilt was doing since you put a lot of love into the project.

Sorry about your disappointment.

The fact that the quilt is still on the bed (regardless of the condition) says a lot to me. The fact that nobody has fessed up to the damage says even more..

If they ask for things and you KNOW how careless they are, it is still your decision whether you give them what they want or not.

Once a gift is given (unless it comes with clauses) it belongs to the recipient. REGARDLESS how the recipient treats the gift.

You don't want to fix it (you hate patching) and you were not asked to do so.

My thought: let it go.

My niece-in-law was expecting to get a quilt from me. She took a path in life that was destructive and irresponsible. In one of the chapters she lost a beautiful hand-made afghan from her grandmother because she didn't pay the storage fee and everything she owned was auctioned off. I refuse to make a quilt under those circumstances. I felt bad because I went back on a promise, but the promise was made under a different set of expectations.

Uh... if they are still using the quilt on their bed, holes and all, then they MUST actually like it, otherwise they would be using something else on the bed, right?

I would take it to mean that they like the quilt YOU made, damaged though it now is, better than they like the thought of a mass-produced but perfect replacement.

OK, I am probably the only one on the other side of the fence here. But I am also a weaver and knitter. I have given hand wovens to people, quilts, hand knits.... and I have seen them abused time and again, not gotten any thanks, or other 'mistakes in judgement' made by the recipients.
I long ago decided that if I give a gift, it is theirs to use as they wish. Just cause I appreciate it, doesn't mean they really know the value of it, I can't control how people feel about or treat things I make. They can regift it, they can wash the floor with it, they can feed it to the dog. And how many times have we put ourselves out for our kids and not got back the gratitude we think we deserve. How many meals, housecleaning. chauffering goes without thanks. I do what I do cause I love the recipeient, their loss if they don't know how valuable the gift is.

My sister and I make quilts for our kids and nieces and nephews weddings. We also make baby quilts for members of our family who are having babies. We decided with, oh, about the second quilt we made that once they leave us, they belong to someone else. Sometimes we don't want to know what has happened to the quilts we've made, but other times we can see how much they have meant to the recipients (several have been hung on quilt racks to be displayed for others to see...).
I recently helped my mother make a Crown Royal quilt for my nephew. When it was all said and done, it cost close to $500 (the fabric was expensive and we had it custom quilted). I have a suspicion that this quilt will not be taken care of very well. I told my mom that she should share with him what the quilt cost, and maybe it would make a difference on how it was cared for. She wouldn't go for that because she has always believed that you shouldn't tell others how much their gift cost. So, we are back to adopting my sister's philosophy of "once the quilts leave us, they belong to someone else"...
My mom and I enjoyed the process and we both learned a great deal from doing this pattern. It truly was a labor of love.
My advice? Fix it if you feel like it, forget it if you don't. I do, however, feel that an awareness of the cost of producing a quilt would be helpful to the recipients level of respect and appreciation! I am not meaning that we should tell each person how much their quilt cost, but at some point there could be a general conversation about the subject.
Another thought--I suppose we as quilters expect others to love quilts the way we do. I suppose there are those people who only think of them as utilitarian objects and not works of art or labors of love. So, the value of the quilt lies with the new owner once it is given, and unfortunately isn't always transferred from the quilter.

I kinda sorta have to agree with you...
Quilts are special, we put alot of time into them.
I could tell you a story about my sis and the 3 small, easy quilts I made for her kids...they never got to enjoy the quilts when they were small cuz mom put 'em away and have since been "lost"...
So, quilts are meant to be enjoyed and loved and lived and used...one of my favorite couch quilts is one the dog nibbled on the binding...
Just my 2 stitches.
Kirsten

I am sorry (((hugs))) to hear about the quilt. here is another way to look ,I know its hard, at it. Would you put a quilt or blanket on your bed with holes on it? probably not, I wouldnt want to. The fact that they did shows the love they have for it. They could have hid it in the closet. If the askes for it to be repaired do it gladly remembering they still love and use it.
My two cents.

Purplepassion,
I can completely commiserate with you!
I have made many quilts and have given them as gifts. Every time I have the conversation with the person about how to care for it. I always leave out the part where you're not supposed to leave it in full access to an animal who destroys fabric!

I made a quilt for a pal of mine - who has many dogs... I think you'll know how this will end. She feels horrible and is going to repair it herself!

I've seen it and get a little sick in my stomach when I think about what it had meant to me at one time. . . the work, the thoughtful planning, the work, the fabric costs, the work, etc.

On the other hand, when I give someone a baby quilt, I expect the baby to do its thing on it (the variety of gross things that come out of a baby) and its need to be washed pretty regularly. Knowing this, I do extra quilting on it, secure every seam, and tell them to wash the bejesus out of it and when baby gets old enough, I'll do a bigger quilt for the bigger bed.

It still hurts, tho, when adults don't seem to care enough about it.

I do know that my pal (with the dogs) was too embarrassed to show me the quilt because of the damage.

All of this to say, I can commiserate. I take a deep breath and say to myself, it's her choice how she wants to handle it... but I'm not going to be too quick to make another!

I hope you find the way to heal from this. We get really connected to our quilts, so it is a loss. An unnecessary loss.

Oh man, I'd have been POed.. :(

I know about those people who don't appreciate the work too but it seems you son does love his quilt. I too would be ashamed to tell someone their gift was ruined or broken. I recently made 3 small quilts 2 that we will take camping. They are meant to be drug in the dirt, and loved. I showed them to a friend and she her sister in law said, Man I wouldn't let kids use those. She would freak out if she knew what I do about how my grandkids will love their quilts. And what the heck would i do with a Sponge Bob quilt hidden in a closet? Wanna bet Sponge Bob will get a bath on day 2 of camping? LOL

I can relate to your upset about the dog damaging the quilt you made. I would be sick about it and furious at them.

The dog is now gone - do they have another one?

When people see adds for "any size hand-quilted quilt for $39.99" in the newspapers, it probably should not be a surprise that a non-quilter does not have any idea how much it costs - just in materials - to make a quilt.

If they are consistently careless, give them store-bought things.

In this case, I think I'd wait for a bit before going to the next step.

when my mother was alive, she made my sister a king sized crochet bedspread. you know where this is going. when i saw my mother crying over it, i browbeat my sister. her answer was " i didn't ask her to do it".
wouldn't you think i'd learn something from this?

now, all these years later, she asked me to make a wall quilt. i made it bed size thinking it would hang and nothing bad would happen to it. i gave it to her months ago. she said, " oh thanks', put it aside, and i haven't seen it on a wall. last time i was there, i saw it, still folded up, on the floor, in a corner of the bedroom. i'm counting the days until her 4 labs play on it and tear it, or worse.

guess when she's getting another from me. only one guess, now.

10th of NEVER??

I want everything I make to be loved to death. Use it, abuse it, wear it out. Do whatever you will with it. Camping, picnic, etc. When it leaves my hands, it's yours.

Pets are like "children" to a lot of people. (I'm not one of them, but I'm not going to judge them.) You don't get upset if a baby spits up or otherwise on a quilt. Likewise, you can't blame a dog for doing stupid doggie things.

I'd be more upset if it had been given to Goodwill, sold on Craigslist, or was sitting unused in a closet.

when snowballs fly in Hades?

sorry, you're both right, but i hijacked.

I can't see blaming your son or daughter-in-law for the dog's destruction. It's not that they "didn't take care of" the quilt. It was exactly where it was supposed to be. Unless they knew their dog had a habit of chewing up things like that, there'd be no reason to suspect the dog would damage the quilt.

My first thought was, your son and his wife are all grown up now. If they'd wanted you to repair the quilt, they would have told you what happened back when it happened and asked you if it could be repaired. You said they're always asking for things. So since they didn't make the request, I wouldn't repair it. If they ever do ask, then put it on your list. Since they didn't ask right away, it can wait until it's convenient for you. And basic patching should be fine.

Could be they were embarrassed.

Bearisgray, could be and probably they felt terrible about it. Others suggested that, too. But again, they're grownups and if they'd really wanted it repaired, they could have sucked it up and asked. Since they didn't, no need to rush to fix it. I'm not saying delay fixing it to make them feel bad, just that it's long past the point where it's a crisis for them.

Well, I'm in agreement with gcathie because in my mind a gift belongs to the recipient to do what they will with it. However, I would NEVER give them another quilt.

My grandmother made some beautiful quilts and when my mother decided to split them between my brother and me, she gave each of us one quilt and then watched. Mine went on our guestroom bed so that it rarely got used, but was beautiful to look at. My brother's was found on the floor in their garage!

Guess who got the rest of the quilts.

well, purplep, I like this answer, but you need a ((hug)))! :D

That is so sad. I would just leave it and move on. He just didn't appreciate it I guess.

Purple, are you feeling better now, with all our consolations? This board sure gives us a community who understands.

My best advice is to wait at least a week to decide what to do about this ...maybe it's just to wait some more, I don't know. This reminds me of grief; they always say to not make any big decisions right away or you might regret it later.
And, if you don't mind, would you tell us what you've decided and if there was any conversation about it, how it was received?

Good luck on "letting it go", for your own peace of mind.

You just have to let it go. It's happened to me more than once. I made my gr. son a quilt for Christmas a couple of years ago and he really loved it, my daughter said he slept with it on his bed every night.
Well, this spring, they got a new puppy and what do you think my daughter lined her bed with? You got it! My gr. sons quilt. She proudly showed me how much Stella, their puppy, loved her quilt that gramma made. But, but, I made that for my gr. son. Well, I know Mom, but it's old now and the puppy really loves it! Two years old is old to the young ones. Oh well, it's not the first time I've been disappointed to see for myself that the love that I have put into a quilt has not been fully appreciated. I'm still going to make family quilts, but the special ones I'm going to make and save them. They can divvy them up after I'm gone, they may mean a little more to them when they are older. We can't expect everyone to have the same passion for our quilts as we do.

It's unfortunate that this happenend. I understand the thought that once the gift is given, it's given. How the gift is used, abused, ignored, cared for, or tossed by the recipient is their issue, not yours. It's tough, but true.

However, I believe your last two sentences reveal three things. One, these folks are childish and careless adults. Two, like children, they contue to ask for things ... even though they obviously don't take care of what they have; paraphrasing your statement. Three, you're ambivalent about your feelings toward them and their actions. One the one hand, you want to be gracious. On the other, you a angry that thay show so little respect for you and your time.

This is the really hard part...when they ask for something, whatever it is, be ready to say, "No, I can't do that." Being that they are childish and sef-centered, they will do the childish thing of whining (very unattractive in adults), negotiate, make empty promises, try to give you a 1st class ticket on a guilt trip, or pull out the big guns and tell you that you don't care about them. You answer, "No, I cannot do this for you. Yes, I care about you and that is why the answer is still 'no'."

As I used to tell my son when he was a teen-ager and acted rude and petulant, "You want to act like a four-year-old? Fine, I've done that where you're concerned. When you were four, you had to sit on the chair where I could see you until I decided you'd been there long enough. Now, sit. There will be no talking, watching TV, reading, or doing anything."(Note, I didn't use the woosy technique of "time out" as that enables them to try to negotiate the length of the time out.)

If it walks like a duck, squaks like a duck, and acts like a duck, chances are good it's a duck. In this case, substitute self-centered and demanding child for duck.

In the vernacular of the day, this qualifies as "tough love". It may be that both you and they need doses of same. Easy to know, but tough to do. That's what makes is so valuable...just like you and your time.

I would just not say anything about it and let it be unless he asked me to repair it. Then I would probably tell him how disappointed I was and that I hoped he would take better care of it next time if I repaired it.

I am so sorry.

I also have family members that don't take care of things. So I am real particular when I give them something, which is seldom and it is usually something that I have not put alot of time or love in.

I guess I am just mean.

Lets look on the positive side here.
The quilt was still on his bed which means he must really appreciate it, holes and all. It was probably and accident, and we all know accidents do happen from time to time. I would definitely mend it for him so that it remains on his bed so that each time he looks at it he will think of you. Isn't that what making quilts is all about? I am an avid quilt maker and I totally appreciate the time and expense involved with making quilts but lets not lose sight of the important things in life.

I agree with gcathie. I had a pitbull, he was a big baby but he was very destructive! He even ate through my comforter (thank God I didn't quilt then) sheets, mattress pad and mattress. The hole he put in the mattress was as big as a pillow. That is only one of MANY instances of things he destroyed. I'd fix the quilt for my son................ this time! :lol:

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you for REAL!!!!!!!!!! Yep.. that would be the last time I made anything for someone like that too!!!!!!!!

I know how you feel- but the opposite. I give the quilt with the instruction that I want it used and loved. And if it ever needs repair, it's OK, I'll fix it.

I was one of those Moms that saved it "for good", not realizing the maker was really wanting to be used and seen on the bed. My girls appreciate the hand made quilt and afghan from their godmothers, but they wish they were allowed to use them.

I was a bit miffed recently, I made a really pretty girly girl quilt for my daughter's best friend's little one. I told I expect to see this toddler getting attached to it and wanting to make it her special blankie. Guess what- her Grandmother took it to her house- 2 hours away to put it on a bed that the little girl sleeps in every few months. She wanted to make sure she didn't ruin it. I told daughter they need to get it back- it's Izy's quilt, not her Grandmothers.

Bottom line- once it leaves your hands, no more control. :(

That is why I sew for charity.....so sorry, I know how hurt you must feel...

Wow; a lot of mixed answers on this. But thank you ; I do appreciate all your different comments. I haven't talked to my son yet, but will see him Friday and mention it then. I am sure he was just ashamed about it happening and didn't want to say anything to me ,to hurt my feelings. I was shocked at first, when I saw the quilt; but reading all your comments---it sunk in that it was just a "thing". it can be patched or replaced. The dog is gone now and it wasn't her fault. I never blamed the dog anyways. It's the people that don't think. If he wants me to patch it , I will , just so it doesn't fall apart more .
Elaine

You give a gift, you walk away...simple. If he didn't come carrying that quilt to your door and asked for help w/a big sobbing story...I would have pretended I didn't see it or know about it. Do the same! Even though you have seen it, you are not doing him of any service to run and fix anything he didn't ask for you to fix. Yes, you have much time and pleasure the first round...you giveth...he either taketh and taketh w/good care...or he don't and then he'd not getteth anything more!!... Fixing it will fix it for how long? And, what did he learn? And, what did you learn?:)Might not be what you really want to hear...but, that's where I'd put my foot...on the door to hold it shut!:)Skeat

I'm in the once you give a gift--it's out of your hands crowd. What he does with it--he does with it. It sure doesn't sound like it was on purpose.

I almost only give ragged flannels away--I feel they are the snuggliest of all quilts, but there's less work in them too. :wink:

"I saw that your quilt was damaged. Bring it over and I will put a couple patches on it."

Extend mercy and just love on your son, even when he screws up.

well i'll tell yall a good one too. I made my neighbor lady a basket out of cloth, it had 3 layers of fabric , one layer was embroidered on, and it was the way you sew it together and then use snaps etc that made it a basket. well, anyhow it was very time consuming to make. so here's what she did with that. can u believe she tore it all apart, and used the embroidered piece for a doily on her little table. i was just sick about it and i have not and will not make her anything again. i think she should have brought it back to me and told me she just didn't like it or didn't have any use for it and would i make her a embroidered doily. i definitely would have done that. i'll attach a pic of it.

That is so beautiful made, its really amazing and if i was lucky enough to receive something like this i would have taken very very good care about it and cherish it forever; especially because you can see how much love and work and effort that has gone into making it. ( any idiot(yes even an idiot,lol) should see this has been a very time consuming and lots of work involved.

Again its really pretty