Want husband to butt out
 

My DH granted me the master bedroom to turn into a sewing studio, but now that we're actually making design plans, he wants to do everything his way! He tends to ignore my wishes and expertise (I've been sewing for 50 years, and have a degree in Home Ec.) I know he means well and is trying to help, but this is MY dream room, not HIS. Has anybody had a problem like this? How do I get the room I want? This is majorly important. Help!

I am so lucky my DH is so helpful. I ask for him to do something and he either comes up with a better idea or does it my way. Maybe you can sit down with your DH and explain to him that you need it done your way for certain reasons and list those reasons to him. Hope you have good luck in convincing him. Your lucky to get a bigger room. Mine is the smallest bedroom.

The only thing I can suggest is making up two plans, yours and his, he may have some good ideas that might enhance the space and your ideas. Remind him that woman do things differently then men, so even though an idea may work well in the workshop, it doesn't do well in the sewing room. Remind him that you realize he is trying to help you and that you appreciate all of the effort, but shouldn't it be a room that works well for you?

How much will you have to pay (not money) if you insist on having your plans, not his?

I will probably pay big time in the short run, but eventually he'll probably mellow out and accept it. He has a HUGE macho ego, and being retired, he doesn't have anything better to do. After all, this is a big undertaking for us.

I would tell him you are the one that will be in the room most of the time and you need it to fit your likes. Tell him your idea may not be practical at all to him but is the way you will feel most comfortable. If it is to be your room then you want it your room with his help to make it your room.

I think you have to let him know how much you appreciate his help, but also remind him that you have ideas too. When I am dealing with my mother, I always say things like...."Consider this"...and offer what I think might work. Sometimes that softens my wanting to do something differently.

Maybe do him the same favor, considering what he says.

Just guessing here....you are undertaking a large project, sure want you to be happy with the results. ....I just reread this and it makes me sound like I know what I am talking about. I don't! Promise. Ask my husband, who knows everything. :) But when it comes to my sewing room, I do stand up for what I want. I'll say things like, "I understand what you are saying, but that isn't what I want in my sewing room." Really, I have actually said that. :)

Dina

Ask yourself : Is he going to let you design his workshop/hobby area/sports lounge/man cave in return? Is he going to be working in your sewing room with you? Is he trying to limit the changes to things that will not affect the resale value of your home? Will there be a corner in your new space for him to hang out while you work? Is there some other 'upgrade' project you can steer him towards; the garage maybe?

I had a similar problem albiet with a much smaller project ... A "big board". My husband wanted to over engineer it to death. I finally told him firmly but gently that I knew what I wanted, would appreciate his assistance, but not if it was at the cost of not getting the product that I wanted - because after all I had the expertise in this particular area, he didnt know which end of the iron got hot!

Hubby and I go through this a lot, I usually let him win, but there were times that his expertise in engineering was not as well suited to my expertise in the given area ( mostly dogs, my whelping box was a disaster!). This time I really put my foot down though.

Do listen to him, and do thank him for his input, but if one of his ideas is wrong - you have to say thanks but no thanks.

Have fun with the new room.

my method is always to let him overhear me telling a girlfriend what i want him to do, only phrasing it as if it was all his doing....."i'm so excited, i get to have my sewing room done over and XXX is doing it all just for me... i've been planning this for years and he's told me he can do all the work himself!"....

I suspect he's retired and feels like he's lost control of everything. This is his way of gaining control subconsciously. I would suggest he work on the garage or something for a man cave. But then again I don't know him. Is it possible to give him an assignment that he can do totally on his own?

When he starts to take over again, simply smile and tell him that while he is re-doing YOUR room, you'll be adding a femimine tough to HIS workplace (mancave). hehe

Thanks, everybody. You've given me some good ideas. I think I'll use a few of them and make sure I get what I want. Glad I'm not the only one who has had this problem. Thanks alot. Connie

I understand completely.
My DH wanted to get busy and start remodieling my sewing area. He even drew up plans for the wall unit. It doesn't even come close to what I need or want except it takes up the whole wall from side to side and floor to ceilling. Told him I was still undecided as to what I reallly needed, appreciate his plan, and maybe we should sit down together to figure it out, and that I was in no hurry to get the project done. He was ok with that.
Let him know in a gentle loving way but firmly that this is your room and he needs to listen to what YOU need in there. If he refuses, simply tell him you have changed your mind and use it once again as a bedroom. If he asks why, tell him you would not enjoy working in your dream room where none of your dreams came true. He will want to please you.

Lol...I can just imagine this happening in our house. We hope to re-do our kitchen one day and I just KNOW this is going to be a problem...lol. AT the moment I don't have that big of a sewing room for him to 'play' with...lol

Ha, I had that problem with mine about building a house. So we wound up buying a big mobile home instead. I know what you are talking about and wish I had something to help you with.

The ideas posted above are all good ideas. I have no experience in this area, but just wanted to wish you good luck in getting the room you want without much conflict with DH.

Please let us know how this is resolved and then PICTURES of the finished room. :)

when we remodeled out kitchen we had hired a contractor. He had certain ideas that did not fit my plan. I told him it was MY kitchen and he would do it MY way or it was the hightway. LOL I got my kitchen.

Good luck. Its pitiful how we have to dance around these guys. If I said this to mine he would just most likely go off in a huff and that woud be the end of it. I do agree with the reply about talking to a friend within his hearing about what I would like and make it look like his idea.

Explain in detail why each part of your project needs to be a certain way. Like why the ironing board needs to be near the sewing machine and cutting table. How each color of fabric needs its own space. How rulers need to be easy to find. All the different threads and how to separate them.
Start telling him how to rearrange his garage to your specifications if that dosnt work.

Speaking from personal experience-do not let him do what he wants!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was away on a trip and my dh and his friend decided to tear out a wall between two rooms so he and I could share my painting/sewing room and his woodcarving. Think about this- wood dust getting into sewing machines, into wet paint...etc.
I returned home to find out they didn't empty the room, only threw one plastic sheet over the top of my machines, paints, etc. They ruined my serger and sewing machine due to the old horse hair plaster dust that got into the machines. He got these rusted metal cabinets that were thrown out someplace and covered my only available walls with them. They are totally a waste of space and ended up ruining my crafting room. Then when I refused to let him make a center island for me (the way he wanted it) he stopped working on the room. To this day (about 10 yrs later) I rarely can use my craft room. I had to buy new machines, and our marriage is still suffering due to my frustration over now having to lug my machines out into the dining room or living room whenever I want to sew/quilt.
This room must be what you need or redoing it will be a waste. Somehow tell your husband how much you appreciate his sharing his ideas. Many will probably be great, however you want it done so it will be the most useable for YOU!!!! And don't go away when he is working on YOUR room.(my dh tore out the wall as a surprise-imagine how pleased I was to return home to ruined projects and machines)
Good luck and I hope your room turns out great.

Kat

genius!!! :-)

I am so sorry to read this - my sympathies to you - what in the world was he thinking/or not thinking! Take care of yourself - most important to your well-being, both mentally and physically.

I can understand the retired DH, I am living with one. But (and it is a big but), if he doesn't begin to learn to not manage you now, it will not get better. We are 5 years retired together, and has been a learning experience for both of us. We now have "hands off" zones. I don't mess with his basement workshop and garage, and he doesn't mess with our office/my sewing room. We have grown closer together when I realize that for years he directed entire branches of locations, and was at a loss when he was downsized.
Talk it through, one night while relaxing, maybe he needs a "hands off" area too.

I wanted to buy a medal building about 40' by 60' for my quilting studio. My DH on ther other hand wanted to move an old chicken house from the other side of our land and have it rebuilt here. It is 25' by 26' and cost him twice as much as the building I wanted, with way less space. He was very surprised at what it cost him. LOL. I'm now in the process of building our home. The whole up stairs will be my studio. about 1200 sq foot. He wanted a basement and thats where he will live. Since I sew a lot I'll be living in the upstairs studio most the time. I really don't like basements.

Yeah, mine butted into MY room too. I wanted to scream! I did go with a soft grey on the walls because I didn't want to get any color reflection from the wall color onto my fabrics, NOT because he is afraid of color. I went with the closet doors I wanted because of the space constrictions, NOT because he doesn't like the kind I wanted. I did let him put some french doors on one wall even though I wanted the wall space. He is "letting me" put things in front of the doors to suit my needs; he just thought it'd be better for resale purposes, which I can see, I guess and I did it grudgingly.

So my advice is to listen to him and do what you want, if possible. Don't let him get HIS way with everything but maybe compromise where you can. It IS YOUR ROOM. Good luck.

Perhaps you could explain you took this problem to your friends on the board and you'd like him to read what you wrote and how they responded. Sometimes one can "hear" from someone else what they can not hear from you.

A reminder, "macho" should not mean inflexible, but confident. Confident in his abilities while still listening to your desires.

Jan in VA

Men can be such babies and usually it is us that let them be that way.....lol! Gently tell him what you want and why you want it and let it ride. I tend to just say "forget it" because I don't like the confrontation but I am slowly realizing that I have missed out on somethings that I really wanted or wanted to do so I am learning to forgo the "forget it" mentality and be honest with myself and voice what I want. Gets me in trouble sometimes...but I am finding that it is worht it....lol!

I feel for you. Since my hubby retired he tends to try to micro-manage me at times and it gets on that one final nerve that I have left.:) He needs a hobby of his own. Hope you can win him over to your way of thinking.

I think that the bones of the project can be done by your husband, being that he has the expertise when it comes to the building and being able to carry the stuff. You have the expertise in what you do and that is the finishing. If I had the room I would be forever grateful for what he could do to get it set up and put together and no doubt he would be grateful for not having to fold fabric, hang rulers, etc. Be God-thankful he even wants to help you and that you have him able to help you. Edie

Tell him the garage is next and it will be done YOUR way!:D

I understand, men seem to know everything. LOL Maybe you can divert his attention to a minor part of the room.
Like send him to Lowes to check out flourescent lights. Let him work on installing the lights, while you move your quilting stuff in. Delay any other of his ideas until "later". You gotta love em, I'm sure he is only trying to help. :0)

Hope you can find common ground so you have good energy in your special room.

Yep, mine does that ALL the time with everything. At dinner time he'll set out what he wants me to make. I finally got fed up a few months ago and told him to cook what he wants. If he wants me to cook stay out of the kitchen. At one time I even told him to "Butt out of my business" and when the time comes that I don't contribute financially to the household then he can have total control. Caused a big argument but he's backed off when it comes to making dinner. When I talk to others on the phone he can hear every word I say even from another room and asks me what that was all about. I told him if they wanted him to know they would have called and asked to talk to him, not me. But yet sitting right next to him he can't hear a word I say. I've had several friends say he's one of the most controlling men they've ever met. Most of the time I just don't pay attention to him and do what I want. This March we'll be celebrating our 48th anniversary so I must do a good job of ignoring him.

1st ask him who's room is it. 2nd tell him NO and NO. If he does it his way.Hire someone to do this your way.Or when he leaves change it to your way.

Mine sometimes "has a better idea", but never talks to me about it. I found the plans for a PVC hand quilting frame and asked him to make it. He used WAY too big PVC "to make it better". It was totally unusable and is now in his shop taken apart. I showed him a quilt rack that I wanted that he could make, it was about 25-20 inches across, mine came out 36 inches across because it was better. That meant "I didn't want to cut the dowels". Don't know what to tell you, but good luck.

Ok, nobody may like this but i am going to say it anyway, i don't believe in stroking any man's ego, i tell mine, do it my way or get out of my way, when he see's i can do it myself, he gets even madder and i laugh. Problem solved!!! Yes, i can hang drywall and outlets, sand and tape, paint put in cabinets, i am very handy and he doesn't like it. If its going to be my womencave, i want it my way. So, good luck, but get it your way.

Oh my...I had to laugh when I read the title to this post! My husband spends most of his time trying to destroy anything, any space, any plans that I ever make about anything. It seems that it's his life ambition. Yesterday, I watched him destroy the potting/tool shed that I had been building over the last few months at our new home. I'd been trying to develop a garden shed for over 30 years at our old home and he always got in there and killed the plan before it ever got too far along. No garden shed for me! It's not that he's a bad person, or that we fight all the time, he's just in a constant, "seek and destroy mission," by nature. I think that a lot of men are that way. I totally feel for you.

My suggestion is that you tell him very frankly, VERY PLAINLY, that you want him OUT of your space NOW! If you say it nicely, he'll say that he didn't understand you, so be firm. He may be miffed a bit and he probably won't help you finish it, but he just might get the idea...at least for a week, or two. Then, if he's like my DH, he'll be back, finding a new way into your space. Lock the door. :D

~ C.

Oh, Mary...I LIKE your style!

~ C.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, but I do understand it. I have a husband who was raised by a mother who is "always right" and he gets more like her with every passing year. Of course, I'm very stubborn and won't back down. The only thing that usually works to get him to consider my way, is to give him the silent treatment for a bit. He sits and stews about it when I just close my mouth and go to another room of the house and let him sit there. An hour or two later he usually comes in and says that I really had a great idea or explains to me why my idea won't work. Through this we end up coming up with a mutually agreeable and workable plan. When we're doing the work together, when I say "STOP", something's not right, he's learned to step back and let me explain why I think measurements are off or we're doing something incorrectly because many times I'm right. I'm a rather new quilter and I really think my quilting is paying huge dividends in teaching me to measure correctly, angles, etc. Good luck with your project and I hope you enjoy your new space when it's done.