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Thread: Want husband to butt out

  1. #1
    Junior Member conniemaried's Avatar
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    Want husband to butt out

    My DH granted me the master bedroom to turn into a sewing studio, but now that we're actually making design plans, he wants to do everything his way! He tends to ignore my wishes and expertise (I've been sewing for 50 years, and have a degree in Home Ec.) I know he means well and is trying to help, but this is MY dream room, not HIS. Has anybody had a problem like this? How do I get the room I want? This is majorly important. Help!

  2. #2
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    I am so lucky my DH is so helpful. I ask for him to do something and he either comes up with a better idea or does it my way. Maybe you can sit down with your DH and explain to him that you need it done your way for certain reasons and list those reasons to him. Hope you have good luck in convincing him. Your lucky to get a bigger room. Mine is the smallest bedroom.

  3. #3
    Senior Member diamondee's Avatar
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    The only thing I can suggest is making up two plans, yours and his, he may have some good ideas that might enhance the space and your ideas. Remind him that woman do things differently then men, so even though an idea may work well in the workshop, it doesn't do well in the sewing room. Remind him that you realize he is trying to help you and that you appreciate all of the effort, but shouldn't it be a room that works well for you?

  4. #4
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    How much will you have to pay (not money) if you insist on having your plans, not his?

  5. #5
    Junior Member conniemaried's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TanyaL View Post
    How much will you have to pay (not money) if you insist on having your plans, not his?
    I will probably pay big time in the short run, but eventually he'll probably mellow out and accept it. He has a HUGE macho ego, and being retired, he doesn't have anything better to do. After all, this is a big undertaking for us.

  6. #6
    Power Poster BellaBoo's Avatar
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    I would tell him you are the one that will be in the room most of the time and you need it to fit your likes. Tell him your idea may not be practical at all to him but is the way you will feel most comfortable. If it is to be your room then you want it your room with his help to make it your room.
    Got fabric?

  7. #7
    Super Member Dina's Avatar
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    I think you have to let him know how much you appreciate his help, but also remind him that you have ideas too. When I am dealing with my mother, I always say things like...."Consider this"...and offer what I think might work. Sometimes that softens my wanting to do something differently.

    Maybe do him the same favor, considering what he says.

    Just guessing here....you are undertaking a large project, sure want you to be happy with the results. ....I just reread this and it makes me sound like I know what I am talking about. I don't! Promise. Ask my husband, who knows everything. But when it comes to my sewing room, I do stand up for what I want. I'll say things like, "I understand what you are saying, but that isn't what I want in my sewing room." Really, I have actually said that.

    Dina

  8. #8
    Super Member ghostrider's Avatar
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    Ask yourself : Is he going to let you design his workshop/hobby area/sports lounge/man cave in return? Is he going to be working in your sewing room with you? Is he trying to limit the changes to things that will not affect the resale value of your home? Will there be a corner in your new space for him to hang out while you work? Is there some other 'upgrade' project you can steer him towards; the garage maybe?
    The Earth without art is just "Eh".

  9. #9
    Super Member DogHouseMom's Avatar
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    I had a similar problem albiet with a much smaller project ... A "big board". My husband wanted to over engineer it to death. I finally told him firmly but gently that I knew what I wanted, would appreciate his assistance, but not if it was at the cost of not getting the product that I wanted - because after all I had the expertise in this particular area, he didnt know which end of the iron got hot!

    Hubby and I go through this a lot, I usually let him win, but there were times that his expertise in engineering was not as well suited to my expertise in the given area ( mostly dogs, my whelping box was a disaster!). This time I really put my foot down though.

    Do listen to him, and do thank him for his input, but if one of his ideas is wrong - you have to say thanks but no thanks.

    Have fun with the new room.
    May your stitches always be straight, your seams always lie flat, and your grain never be biased against you.

    Sue

  10. #10
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    my method is always to let him overhear me telling a girlfriend what i want him to do, only phrasing it as if it was all his doing....."i'm so excited, i get to have my sewing room done over and XXX is doing it all just for me... i've been planning this for years and he's told me he can do all the work himself!"....

  11. #11
    Super Member Gladys's Avatar
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    I suspect he's retired and feels like he's lost control of everything. This is his way of gaining control subconsciously. I would suggest he work on the garage or something for a man cave. But then again I don't know him. Is it possible to give him an assignment that he can do totally on his own?

  12. #12
    Junior Member Kazahleenah's Avatar
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    When he starts to take over again, simply smile and tell him that while he is re-doing YOUR room, you'll be adding a femimine tough to HIS workplace (mancave). hehe
    ~~Fabric Resource Center...now does that sound more impressive than "Fabric Junkie" ?~~

  13. #13
    Junior Member conniemaried's Avatar
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    Thanks, everybody. You've given me some good ideas. I think I'll use a few of them and make sure I get what I want. Glad I'm not the only one who has had this problem. Thanks alot. Connie

  14. #14
    Super Member wvdek's Avatar
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    I understand completely.
    My DH wanted to get busy and start remodieling my sewing area. He even drew up plans for the wall unit. It doesn't even come close to what I need or want except it takes up the whole wall from side to side and floor to ceilling. Told him I was still undecided as to what I reallly needed, appreciate his plan, and maybe we should sit down together to figure it out, and that I was in no hurry to get the project done. He was ok with that.
    Let him know in a gentle loving way but firmly that this is your room and he needs to listen to what YOU need in there. If he refuses, simply tell him you have changed your mind and use it once again as a bedroom. If he asks why, tell him you would not enjoy working in your dream room where none of your dreams came true. He will want to please you.

  15. #15
    Super Member miss_ticky2's Avatar
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    Lol...I can just imagine this happening in our house. We hope to re-do our kitchen one day and I just KNOW this is going to be a problem...lol. AT the moment I don't have that big of a sewing room for him to 'play' with...lol
    Blessings from Janice

  16. #16
    Super Member sewbeadit's Avatar
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    Ha, I had that problem with mine about building a house. So we wound up buying a big mobile home instead. I know what you are talking about and wish I had something to help you with.



    Quote Originally Posted by conniemaried View Post
    My DH granted me the master bedroom to turn into a sewing studio, but now that we're actually making design plans, he wants to do everything his way! He tends to ignore my wishes and expertise (I've been sewing for 50 years, and have a degree in Home Ec.) I know he means well and is trying to help, but this is MY dream room, not HIS. Has anybody had a problem like this? How do I get the room I want? This is majorly important. Help!
    Sewbeadit
    W. Washington

  17. #17
    Super Member gramajo's Avatar
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    The ideas posted above are all good ideas. I have no experience in this area, but just wanted to wish you good luck in getting the room you want without much conflict with DH.

    Please let us know how this is resolved and then PICTURES of the finished room.

  18. #18
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    when we remodeled out kitchen we had hired a contractor. He had certain ideas that did not fit my plan. I told him it was MY kitchen and he would do it MY way or it was the hightway. LOL I got my kitchen.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by BellaBoo View Post
    I would tell him you are the one that will be in the room most of the time and you need it to fit your likes. Tell him your idea may not be practical at all to him but is the way you will feel most comfortable. If it is to be your room then you want it your room with his help to make it your room.
    Good luck. Its pitiful how we have to dance around these guys. If I said this to mine he would just most likely go off in a huff and that woud be the end of it. I do agree with the reply about talking to a friend within his hearing about what I would like and make it look like his idea.

  20. #20
    Super Member Rose Marie's Avatar
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    Explain in detail why each part of your project needs to be a certain way. Like why the ironing board needs to be near the sewing machine and cutting table. How each color of fabric needs its own space. How rulers need to be easy to find. All the different threads and how to separate them.
    Start telling him how to rearrange his garage to your specifications if that dosnt work.

  21. #21
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    Speaking from personal experience-do not let him do what he wants!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was away on a trip and my dh and his friend decided to tear out a wall between two rooms so he and I could share my painting/sewing room and his woodcarving. Think about this- wood dust getting into sewing machines, into wet paint...etc.
    I returned home to find out they didn't empty the room, only threw one plastic sheet over the top of my machines, paints, etc. They ruined my serger and sewing machine due to the old horse hair plaster dust that got into the machines. He got these rusted metal cabinets that were thrown out someplace and covered my only available walls with them. They are totally a waste of space and ended up ruining my crafting room. Then when I refused to let him make a center island for me (the way he wanted it) he stopped working on the room. To this day (about 10 yrs later) I rarely can use my craft room. I had to buy new machines, and our marriage is still suffering due to my frustration over now having to lug my machines out into the dining room or living room whenever I want to sew/quilt.
    This room must be what you need or redoing it will be a waste. Somehow tell your husband how much you appreciate his sharing his ideas. Many will probably be great, however you want it done so it will be the most useable for YOU!!!! And don't go away when he is working on YOUR room.(my dh tore out the wall as a surprise-imagine how pleased I was to return home to ruined projects and machines)
    Good luck and I hope your room turns out great.

    Kat
    Last edited by GreatStarter; 01-21-2012 at 07:23 AM.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Scraps's Avatar
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    genius!!! :-)

    Quote Originally Posted by deemail View Post
    my method is always to let him overhear me telling a girlfriend what i want him to do, only phrasing it as if it was all his doing....."i'm so excited, i get to have my sewing room done over and XXX is doing it all just for me... i've been planning this for years and he's told me he can do all the work himself!"....

  23. #23
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    I am so sorry to read this - my sympathies to you - what in the world was he thinking/or not thinking! Take care of yourself - most important to your well-being, both mentally and physically.

  24. #24
    Super Member nhweaver's Avatar
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    I can understand the retired DH, I am living with one. But (and it is a big but), if he doesn't begin to learn to not manage you now, it will not get better. We are 5 years retired together, and has been a learning experience for both of us. We now have "hands off" zones. I don't mess with his basement workshop and garage, and he doesn't mess with our office/my sewing room. We have grown closer together when I realize that for years he directed entire branches of locations, and was at a loss when he was downsized.
    Talk it through, one night while relaxing, maybe he needs a "hands off" area too.
    Quote Originally Posted by conniemaried View Post
    I will probably pay big time in the short run, but eventually he'll probably mellow out and accept it. He has a HUGE macho ego, and being retired, he doesn't have anything better to do. After all, this is a big undertaking for us.
    If life gives you lemons, make a margarita.

  25. #25
    Super Member valleyquiltermo's Avatar
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    I wanted to buy a medal building about 40' by 60' for my quilting studio. My DH on ther other hand wanted to move an old chicken house from the other side of our land and have it rebuilt here. It is 25' by 26' and cost him twice as much as the building I wanted, with way less space. He was very surprised at what it cost him. LOL. I'm now in the process of building our home. The whole up stairs will be my studio. about 1200 sq foot. He wanted a basement and thats where he will live. Since I sew a lot I'll be living in the upstairs studio most the time. I really don't like basements.
    http://www.skillpages.com/DonnaValleyquiltermo
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