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Thread: To stay or go...Applique Bee

  1. #1
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    (hopefully this is the right spot to ask for advice!)
    I belong to an Applique Bee that meets once a month at a specific member's home. The Bee moved from the quilt store, where anyone was welcome to a now limited number. I've belonged to this Bee for 2 1/2 years. All of the ladies are older than I am (10-20 years). It seems that all they do is complain and whine. And many topics are over my experience. When I made a comment about the local show and asked for opinions, I was abruptly told that "we don't discuss whining and complaints." Why is it ok for them, but not me? I also hear the same health and food allergy complaints month after month by another member. Is it my age? These women have known each other for years, and don't seem to be good friends, and everyone thinks that their version is the best. There are two members that have helped me improve my applique technique greatly. Both are award winning. I am reluctant to loose them. There haven't been any other appliquers that have helped me, except these two. One is the organizer, the other the hostess. Do I bow out and continue on my own? I really like the hostess, do I ask her how she handles the group conversations? I have no idea how she feels about the topics. She is usually very quiet during the Bees. There are two of us in the Bee that that feel this way. My friend is probably going to stop coming. I feel ignored and frustrated and surrounded by women who complain for several hours and show little interest in others. I don't know how to even bring this up to the organizer, she's shot me down a few times. I am torn, I have advice available, and I do get a few hours to focus on my current project, but do I stay or do I go? Thanks.

  2. #2
    Super Member MellieKQuilter's Avatar
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    I say stop going. Negativity begets negativity... why not host something in your own home once a month? This way you can invite the few that are pleasant and helpful (and worl on your own but get help during this time), and you all can help each other at this event. Make it a Saturday Social or something, and keep it small and enjoyable. I would bet the others would love it! :) Just keep in mind, no complaining about the other ladies. Start fresh and keep this POSITIVE. :)

  3. #3
    Senior Member kraftykimberly's Avatar
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    Just my opinion, but if it were me, I would be outta there. The cons just seem to out weigh the pros and my time is worth more to me than to spend it in a situation I dont enjoy. In the end though, its just depends on what you want to sacrifice, your valuable time or the knowledge you might gain if you did stay. I'd sacrifice the possible knowledge, but again, thats just me. Hope you figure it out, I know its frustating for you.

  4. #4
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    Stay away from that group. It will wear down your creativity and you will lose interest in quilting. Maybe you could ask at your LQS to see if there are other groups in the area. My daughter just joined a really nice group at her LQS. Keep the telephone number of your two favorite members...maybe they are fed up too.

  5. #5
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    You said that at the quilt store all were welcome, but now it's a limited number. Did they welcome all of the other members or were just a few invited to join your group? Talk to your hostess. Did the organizer invite you to join this group? It sounds as though you are not really enjoying the time you spend there. Sounds like you and your friend need to make your own group? You may have other friends that want to learn but didn't get into the group. Hang in there and I know that you will figure it out. As said before keep the numbers of the people you like and keep in touch with them. Hugs. BrendaK

  6. #6
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    It seems to me that you will loose nothing if you bring it up the the hostess/organizer. It sounds like she is getting fed up with the complaining since she is usually so quiet at the meetings. If I am wrong, you will loose nothing since you are ready to quit anyway. Then you can begin another group and eliminate the complainers/nasty ladies. There was no excuse for that person to jump all over you that way. Good luck, and speak up for yourself. It's not worth the agrivation just to improve your applique.
    Sue

  7. #7
    Moderator QuiltnNan's Avatar
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    if you hit your thumb with a hammer, would you keep hitting it? if it's not fun with them, don't do it with them. quilting should be fun.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Kehoeta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by QuiltnNan
    if you hit your thumb with a hammer, would you keep hitting it? if it's not fun with them, don't do it with them. quilting should be fun.

    Nancy is right - lose the negativity - it is already wearing you down - or you wouldn't be asking the question.

  9. #9
    Senior Member ChrisB's Avatar
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    I would not stay either. I attended one church sponsored quilt meeting several years ago and you either did things the organizer's way or it was wrong. When she jumped my case at my FIRST meeting, I did not go back.

  10. #10
    Senior Member yonnikka's Avatar
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    A starting point is selecting a different time of the day or a different day of the week when you and your one friend can meet together, maybe re-contacting the shop where it all began, for a location. A new group of two can grow to three or four with less complainers and less complaints. You can do it.

  11. #11
    Junior Member gaevren's Avatar
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    Pull the ladies you DO like aside one by one and ask them for their phone numbers- say that due to a scheduling conflict you won't be able to make the Bees anymore but that you would love to keep in touch and possibly get together again.

    That way at the very least you don't lose them and you don't have to put up with the negativity anymore. And you could start your own small group if you wished.

  12. #12
    Super Member Glassquilt's Avatar
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    You have permission from all of the members above to listen to yourself. Nobody needs to go to a group with people whose outlook is so different from their own.

    If you don't feel comfortable speaking about it, write it down, put it in envelopes, seal them and hand everyone a copy as you leave. Very hard to dismiss your insightful comments when written. It will give them something to think about & talk about. It may open their eyes. If it doesn't you're better off without them.

    Forming a new group is an excellent idea.

  13. #13
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    leave that group... I was in a local guild once - Charter member and it was my evening a month out. It started great and then stuff - gossip started and I couldn't stand it .. several of us couldn't stand it and we all left and started our own group at our time and kept our dues in a coffee can and hired people to come and teach us what we wanted to learn. Best group I ever belonged to ! We taught each other too; helped each other when tragedy struck we don't sew together anymore so many have passed and others aren't well but we keep in touch.
    Love everyone of them ! Start your own group.

  14. #14
    Power Poster MadQuilter's Avatar
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    So what kind of "advice" are you getting? If you don't feel comfortable in the general discussion, do you really feel comfortable asking for quilting advice?

    Can you get advice here? I know there would be a ton of people here willing to offer their know-how.

    I would have bowed out the minute it went from neutral territory to someone's home.

  15. #15
    Super Member katyquilter's Avatar
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    If you're not enjoying yourself, I say stop going. Life is too short to put yourself in situations you do not enjoy!

  16. #16
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    I guess that I'm different. I think instead of just quitting you should say something first. You say you like the hostess and there are two ladies that have helped you alot. I would speak to the hostess; maybe she doesn't know how to do one of these and kind of lets it flow by itself. You can also ask the ladies that have helped you that if you quit can you call on them for additional knowlege; Be honest with them and let them know why. If you don't say why they'll all speculate; if you say something then at least you did try to make a change. Not all people read or can read other people; my motto is that if you don't say anything it's your fault it doesnt get any better; if speak up and it doesn't get any better then it's back on them and obviously they don't care enough to try and fix things.

  17. #17
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    It happens within most groups I know it goes on at the one I belong to. It hurts,just stay to yourself for a while and maybe they will start thinking. Otherwise find another group
    or start one of you own.

  18. #18
    Super Member hobbykat1955's Avatar
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    I'd be out of there in a NY min...Once it becomes "not FUN" whats the point.

  19. #19
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    I would stop going, don't like being around whiners and complainers all the time.

  20. #20
    Power Poster blueangel's Avatar
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    Ditto

  21. #21
    Senior Member SharBear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MadQuilter
    So what kind of "advice" are you getting? If you don't feel comfortable in the general discussion, do you really feel comfortable asking for quilting advice?

    Can you get advice here? I know there would be a ton of people here willing to offer their know-how.

    I would have bowed out the minute it went from neutral territory to someone's home.
    I'm with Martina - my experience is when you go from a neutral site to a home the dynamic changes; and NEVER for the better.

    Speak to the folks that you enjoy and see if they would like to get together one on one. You do NOT owe the group a reason for not attending any longer -just inform the organizer that you won't be coming any more. And if she asks why (which she will) just tell her that you prefer to keep that to yourself. Let them wonder! They will invent a far better story than you could!

  22. #22
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    Hmmm....same reason I quilt my night group...was turning into social and not quilting. You need to do what's right for you. Sorry for you.

  23. #23
    Senior Member gigi10's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kehoeta
    Quote Originally Posted by QuiltnNan
    if you hit your thumb with a hammer, would you keep hitting it? if it's not fun with them, don't do it with them. quilting should be fun.

    Nancy is right - lose the negativity - it is already wearing you down - or you wouldn't be asking the question.
    Life is way tooooo short.

  24. #24
    Senior Member gigi10's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kehoeta
    Quote Originally Posted by QuiltnNan
    if you hit your thumb with a hammer, would you keep hitting it? if it's not fun with them, don't do it with them. quilting should be fun.

    Nancy is right - lose the negativity - it is already wearing you down - or you wouldn't be asking the question.
    Life is way tooooo short.

  25. #25
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    Doesn't sound like an Applique Bee to me. Sounds like a Stitch and Bitch! If you are not enjoying your time there, it's time to go. If you've already talked to the organizer and she didn't address your concerns, not much use talking to her again. Try to surround yourself with positive people not negative. Life's too short to be miserable!

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