Tothill

A very good friend of mine just had her first child. She is very happy to have the help and support of her mother in law. Her mother lives across the country and will not be coming out for a while yet. My friend wants it that way as her relationship with her mum is not great.

So do not discount a new mum not wanting her mil there.

Me, my mil was great when the kids were older, but not when they were born or for the first 6 months or so. She refused to come to our house to see our son after he was born (5 hours travelling time). Then she had fits because my fil (her ex) came from England with his new wife and step daughters and saw my son before she did. It was about 5 weeks before I felt up to the 5 hours travelling to go to her house.

When my daughter was born two years later, she had come over ahead of time. She was to attend the birth with my mum and exh. Well my daughter was an incredibly fast delivery (exh and I got to the hospital 5 contractions prior to delivery) and by the time exh called the house it was not to tell them to come see the birth, but to tell them they had a granddaughter.

My mil went into a huge pout, and although I was home the next day, she insisted on exh taking her home (5 hour trip each way). I put my foot down and said Daddy was not going anywhere, we could arrange for someone else to take her part way and she could arrange for someone to get her the rest of the way home. I was not going to be left home with a newborn, 2 year old and 12 year old 2 days post delivery and no help.

Jan in VA

I read this with my teeth clenched for your birthing experience with your own mother. Grrrrr! DMILs and DMs can be so damn dense sometimes when their grandchildren begin to arrive. As a doula (paid, trained, and certified labor companion) I saw this too often.

One thing I had to learn to say to my father later in life, as my sister was battling ovarian cancer and didn't want to deal with him was, "It's too bad you're upset, this isn't about YOU." Period.

Jan in VA

jillmc

You have received some great advise! One thing I will add to keep in mind as the months go by....if you are lucky enough to have the grands for the day while parents are working, do NOT tell them or post on Facebook about "firsts"... First laugh-out-loud, first successful spoon bite, first crawl, first step...etc...let mommy and daddy discover the new milestones for themselves. I have a friend who is guilty of this, and I feel badly for her DIL and son. I am lucky enough to have 2 of my 5 grands a day or two a week for sleepovers-best times ever!!!

Battle Axe

Don't be there all the time, if you live close. We had a couple that had a baby inn our area and always had company. She never felt like she could relax and nurse the baby. They finally moved farther away.

my-ty

I am not a Grandma yet but as a Mom, I am impressed with the suggestions/information that has been given.

As a grandparent, you are not top dog, the three most important people are the baby, the baby's Mom and the the baby's Dad. You are also sharing your grandparent role with the other grandparents and possibly great-grandparents. Your role is to provide support and love to new Mom, new Dad and new baby. Tell them you are giving them time to adapt to their new family member and you are available if they need your help. Find creative ways to support the whole family. Don't show up unannounced and don't "move in". It is hard to back off but that is what most new families want from their parents.

tessagin

How fortunate your oldest dd is to have a nurse for a mother. I am reading your post as your youngest must be about 17 years old. I'm sure you will remember when your own parents were there. Just tell them you're there for them. At least you would be able to help in very serious situations and recognize them if a trip to the dr. is warranted. My mother was there for me and both of my boys. Once she was preparing supper for exh and my self and rest of family (dad and siblings). ex-mil tried taking over. I told her Mom had it under control. MIL got mad and left before exh got home. I was also lucky to have my grandmother's help. Never got in the way only helped with a lot of doting and loving and domestic. Be that kind of grandmother and you will do just fine.

grannie cheechee

Do whatever the mommie wants and needs you to do. I've helped my kids when they've had babies, and I've helped the grandkids babies. I too was a L ad D nurse. I would get to them when they needed help LOVE them!!!!!!!!

Jane Quilter

Great advise everywhere. Lets move forward a year or 2. always recognize the child when you see her. Yell(?) "sally!". (when they are older, they will alway yell(?) "Grandma!" when they see you , at the park, at soccar games, etc. (everyone looks , like you are the most important person in the world, and you are, to your grand kids). Play with them, kick a ball, throw a ball, color with them, push trucks with them, play super heros (wear a cape). Read, read, read to them. eventually they will read themselves and they will share what they read. Go for walks, count bugs, leaves, and flowers. You were never allowed to be a "buddy" to your own kids, but you are allowed to be a buddy to you grandkids. Go for it, take play serious (that is how they learn) and have fun. Distracted, happy, safe children are a great relief to their parents.

orangeroom

Oh, thank you so much to all the QB members who posted your advice! I appreciate it! For there is something to learn from all of your experiences!

It is my/our daughter who is expecting. Father of baby is a first year resident doctor. So he will be working a lot and tired when home. They live ~90 minutes away. I learned not to pop on over her when she lived 5 minutes away. One very awkward 5 minute visit and I never did that again! I hope she asks for assistance, but am not expecting her too. We have a decent relationship, but not a super close one. She's very independent and a bit of an introvert. I usually take her out to lunch once a week.

Paternal grandma and great grandma live ~10 hours away. GG is ill, so she'll most likely never see or have an understanding of the newborn, once here. My parents aren't present in my life or dd's. Dh's parents live in the next town from us and feel that the new parents should accommodate them for an overnight when they visit. That was vehemently denied, by dd and myself. Both dh and father of baby agree that no one will be sleeping there but the three who will be living there! I stated that if I sleep near them to assist them in the future, I'll be down the road at a hotel! But since I'm frugal (and I'd rather be buying fabric), I'll probably make the 90 minute drive home!

Again, thank you all so much for taking the time out of your lives to offer your advice!

DonnaFreak

I have a couple of pieces of advice that I haven't seen anyone else post yet. First of all...prepare yourself! As much as you love your own children, it's a whole different love for your grandbabies. Not only is this your grandbaby, it's your baby's baby! You'll just be amazed at the kind of love that swells your heart as soon as you lay your eyes on that baby!

My other piece of advice is to never EVER miss an opportunity to tell your DD and your DSIL that they are doing a fantastic job at being parents. Bite your tongue if you see them doing anything differently than you would do it...unless of course, they are actually putting their child in danger. Let the words, " I'm proud of you!" flow through your lips often. Nothing will make you more welcome in their home than giving them your approval. ☺

Donna