QuiltingGrannie

But I know I'll say yes.
My husband just told me this morning that he got a PM on Facebook from his step son who is 17, has a car and wants to come visit.
(Here's the brief story:
He is his step son from the woman he married when he left me, and we divorced, in 1999. He and I reconnected in 2004 when that marriage did not work out. We remarried in 2005.)

I always hate when he talks of those years in his life and talks about 'them'. BUT, I know they were a part of his life for 5 years. He talks about them less and less as time goes on, but now I know if he reconnects with the one son, he will be talking about them. (The 'other woman' is remarried now too.)

I know he loves me - we've known each other since 1978 and been together since 1985 except for that 5 year span. He and I were both married before and so there are other step children in our lives every day that I don't have a problem with. For some reason I have issues with these. (There are actually 3 boys).

I think the part about that time in his life that bothers me is that he experienced a lot of different things through work and life there and I was not a part of it. We've been a part of each other lives for so long, and then for 5 years we weren't together. I experienced a lot during those years also but rarely talk about them because I don't want him to feel bad for not being there with me.

Thanks for 'listening'. I have him dealing with waiting to hear my decision all day while he is working.

Lisa_wanna_b_quilter

I would be just like you. It would be great to just ignore those five years. You are in a tough position. If you say no, your husband may be resentful. If you say yes, it will be hard to be friendly to the kid even though nothing that happened was his fault.

The only bright side I see to this is the boy calling and wanting to visit is a nice testament to the impact your husband had on his life. Many step kids are glad to get rid of the step parent, especialy a short term one. Your husband must be a good father figure.

I hope whatever decision you come to, allows peace in your house.

mcdaniel023

QG, I know you are going to say yes, too. Because you love him he has ties to this child. He must be a good man to have this bond with a step son that he really wasn't part of his life for that long. Hugs!

no1jan

It really doesn't sound like you have a problem with the child as much as the relationship to his mother.

He's just a teenager who wants to see his dad. If I have the math right, you and your husband have known each other 32 years, with a total of 27 years married! That's a long time!

Even though your husband made a mistake for 5 years, his son will always be a part of his life. That will never change. I think your husband has proved he loves YOU! I believe you will always have a tinge of jealousy, that is normal.

My advice (although I have never had this problem and shouldn't give advice) is to let him come and find out what kind of a person he is. He is still a part of your husbands life and must have left a great impression on him, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace and joy in it.

Butterfli19

Remember though, there was a reason why you split up, and I'm sure you weren't considering being together at that time. Decisions are based on what is good/right/beneficial/necessary at the time and we are not required to make the same decision (choice) again.

Your life is good now, happy, the step son wants to visit. All that happened led you here so enjoy, and don't allow the past to haunt you.

Jingle

My oldest Daughter has been in these situations twice and is married to a man that has 2 step daughters and a son he raised. I tell her she also had two sons when she met the last man, this man adopted one of her sons and treat both young men as his own. I told her she must do the same. Admit for whatever reason you and Hubby wasn't together at that time and you both did whatever. I don't think it would be right to deny either of them contact with each other. If you do you will only cause yourself to look bad. just my opinion and that is what you asked for, opinions.

beachlady

Never had a problem like this, but I think everyone has given you some pretty good advice. You just may find this step son a joy to know!

sandpat

Whatever happened between the 2 of you before and during those 5 years had nothing to do with the stepson. He didn't cause or contribute to it. I think it only shows that the young man has respect for your DH. Let the young man into your life with an open mind and heart...you never know what he is going to teach you.

sunflower126

I agree that you should try to look to the future and perhaps a great relationship with this young man. My GS has not been a part of his father's (my son) for over 10 years--father's choice. He is 17 also and has the most wonderful stepfather a young man could ask for. Although he did not adopt him, he is a son to him. My GS considers him his father. We had to learn to deal with that but so glad that he has this man in his life. He has raised him along with his two children from another marriage that he has had full custody of since they were infants. They allow my husband and I to be a full part of their lives also. Although we are saddened by my son's actions we are so greatful for this man. I know you will make the right decision for you and your family. Good luck.

QuiltingGrannie

He was a good influence on their lives. He entered their lives when the boys were little, all pre-teens. Their real biological father was abusive, alcoholic etc and my DH showed them a life that was different and positive.
I do think it is special that he wants to reconnect with DH knowing that it will be connecting with me. That says something, too.

I know I will be anxious about it until it happens but will do my best.

Thanks for all your good thoughts.