raptureready

Mom and Dad lived 5 miles from us. Mom died from a massive heart attack in Jan. 2003. Five months later, to the day, Dad got killed when the car he was working on fell on him. He was 84. However, at the time of the deaths there were no hugs left unhugged, no 'I love you' s left unsaid. I miss them to this day but everything that we could do for them we'd done so there was no regrets. I can't imagine having to deal with guilt and grief at the same time. So, that being said, do whatever you can for your parents while you have them because they won't be here forever.

Chele

Sending you good wishes and blessings galore. Enjoy your mom.

Leota

We moved my mom in with us Thanksgiving 2008. We went through all her stuff but because of her dementia, she wouldn't "let go of anything"... We ended up packing EVERYTHING in a 26 ft moving van and putting it in storage here. We built her an apartment onto our house ... she has her separate living quarters and has meals with us. It is tremendously difficult at time. The stress is incredible. She doesn't qualify now because I have be able to get her health stable. Her dementia is getting worse and she is NOT nice a lot of the time. She doesn't like my dh and most times I don't think she like me either.
The stress that resulted in moving her in with us has cause mine and dh health to deteriorate. Make sure you have others available to help you. even if it's just a few hrs a week... both you and she will appreciate it.
Good luck

Janis

Susang, you have done what you could to get your mother closer to you, but since she has such hard feelings for your husband, and can do nothing but find fault, DO NOT move her in with you!!! You can go and visit her, and then go home and heal from what guilt she might try to heap on you. If you were to move her in with you, she'd find fault with every thing you did or said, and possibly wreck your marriage.
When I was young, my mother found fault with all of my friends. They weren't good enough.. and so on. I lived in a very small town and there weren't a lot of kids to pal around with. None of my friends were drinkers, nor smokers, it was before all the drugs, and all graduated from high school and have lead productive lives, so they didn't do badly, and neither did I.
When my mother was ill, I went up to my mother's home and stayed with her for about 3 months until she was well enough to be brought down to my home. My youngest daughter was in middle school at the time, and stayed with me up there until she had to come back home for school in the fall. My mother would sleep on the couch in the living room all day long, and my daughter couldn't even watch TV as it would bother her. What do you do with a young girl at that age with no friends around? I'm sure it was very hard and lonely for my daughter to be there. There were no neighborhood girls her age to get to know. She was alone.
After we brought my mother here, she found fault with my daughter in almost every thing she did. My daughter was a very respectful and quiet girl, and didn't deserve how Grandma treated her. My husband and I would go on long 'sanity walks' in the evening while my daughter was home with Grandma so we could talk and get things off our chest about all the things we were going through. Finally we decided she couldn't stay here any longer. My older brother said he'd take her into his home, but I had to talk and talk almost until I was blue in the face, to get him to put her in the adult care home in her home area. I told him that she'd pick on his step-son and break up their home. Finally he agreed and Mom went back to where she was familiar with. I think she was happier there.
I'm not sorry that we tried to take her in, and am sorry that it didn't work out well. I don't to this day know what I could have done to make it work. I found out how much pressure I was in after we all decided to send Mom back to her home area. I was driving my car into a grocery store parking lot, and felt that I COULD FLY!!! I was under that much pressure!!
So, those of you that it does work out and everyone is happy with the arrangements, I am so happy for you. But also take care of yourselves and if you do find it is too much on your family, make other arrangements. I'm happy that we did. If we hadn't, I don't know if our marriage would have lasted through it all. By the way, we've now been married 46 years!

BellaBoo

DH and I have told our children we do not want them to be our caregivers. We have long term home care insurance and that takes all the burden off everyone. DD and her DH are paying 1/2 of his parents long term health care insurance for them. I think it is the best thing for every parent to do for their kids and themselves to have this insurance to be able to live in their own home with qualified help. My FIL had this insurance and it was so much better for him to stay in his home. I think he lived several years longer just being happier in his own home.

decky

I think you and your husband are great people for taking in your mother. My husbands mother just turned 95 on New Years eve day and he had to put her into a nursing home just before Thanksgiving. He said it was the hardest thing he had ever done, but knew it was best for her. She kept asking to go back home at first, but she has now accepted the fact that she is there to stay.

jljack

Update: Mom has been with us for 3 full months plus a few days. So far, so good. She is regaining her strength and her memory has improved, but she still forgets a lot of stuff. She has a calendar that she writes everything down on to keep dates and appointments straight, so that helps her. She can drive short distances, as she has no problem remembering where she is or where she is going, and she doesn't have difficulty with driving itself. So we do let her go do short errands by herself. She putters around our house doing little housecleaning chores...even though I tell her not to! She's incorrigible!! LOL She and my DH are still having fun being around each other...they are both teases...so sometimes it's a hoot listening to them go at each other!! We all like baseball, so that's a common interest TV fest....and she has her own TV in her room so she can watch Fox News endlessly like she likes to do. She's also a pretty good cook, and she likes to do it and often has dinner ready when I get home from work.

One thing this move has definately done is ease my mind about her, and her anxiety episodes have literally disappeared. She had never in her life lived alone before my dad passed 4 years ago, and I think just the thought of being alone was causing a lot of her anxiety resulting in her heart and blood pressure issues. So, anyway, with us around all the time (me in the evenings and at night and DH during the day, as he works nights), she always has someone there or very close by.

Like I said, so far so good.

Janis

I'm glad that it is working out so well for you. The fact that she can take care of herself and go on short errands by herself is great. Your situation is a lot different from when we brought my mother to live with us, as your mother is in a lot better condition, both mentally and physically than mine was. I hope all condinues to go well for you.
Janis

montecarlo

That's a great news, jljack. many of us have elderly parents who are experiencing health problems, and this is a great burden to us but after all they are still our parents.One of the most stressful is the long term care needs of an elderly, but still life goes on, as they say