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Thread: Finally Moved Mom in With Us....

  1. #1
    Super Member jljack's Avatar
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    Finally Moved Mom in With Us....

    ...and so far so good. Early in December she had a very slight heart attack, and passed out and fell at home. She had a Life Alert, and barely remembers pushing the button. The paramedics came, got into the house, and found her. She was fully conscious by the time they got to the hospital and figured out what happened, but the docs had a hard time getting her heart rate back up to over 55. She is 87 so they don't really want to do a pacemaker, and she doesn't want one. She has clotting issues, too, which makes that surgery really risky. So, no.

    We brought her home right to our house, since there was too much risk of her being home alone again. She's a sweet lady, and she and my DH love each other like mother and son...amazing!!

    But, that was only a few days before Christmas, so between Christmas and New Years we spend the whole week painting our extra bedroom and moving all her bedroom furniture in. Since then we have been going through all her stuff at her place, and determining if it's "Give, donate or throw". Luckily my siblings and their kids and my daughter and SIL all have been helping with this slow, tedious process. My mom is very pragmatic...no emotional attachment to "stuff" for her!! She is holding on to her pictures, her jewelry and some little trinkets that were her parents' or her siblings'.

    When this season comes up for you and your parents, I hope that it goes as well as it has for us. Since we have been with Mom so much more, we have noticed that her memory is really deteriorated, and she relies on us to figure out what all the forms and things that come from insurance are about. So, watch your parents closely. They will say "I'm fine", but that may not be so. I am so happy that she was willing to move in with us before something really tragic happened. Start talking to your parents a long time before the actual time to do it comes...it just makes it easier if everyone is on the same page.

    Hope this advice is helpful to some of you. Blessings!!

  2. #2
    mim
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    Super Member mim's Avatar
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    so very important to watch (observe) with a clear mind. You are so fortunate that she is such a lovely lady -- and so are you and your DH

    Mim

  3. #3
    Super Member athomenow's Avatar
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    I'm so glad this is working out for you. Some of us have tried various things and nothing has worked in that arena. Mom doesn't want to leave the house on two feet and will only go when she's dead. Her words! I've tried assisted living and they had enough after 3 mos and called us to come get her. We have a lady that comes in 30 hours a week to help with food, bathing and meds. It's all I can do for her. I'm ok that something is going to kill her and she is also 87. My dad died 5 yrs ago and if she had gone then she would have been happy. Good luck with your mother. This is a very sweet act on your part and it does take alot out of you. So take care of yourself also.
    Debra

  4. #4
    Senior Member ShabbyTabby's Avatar
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    Thank God for family. I'm 77 and have some health problems and my DD and SIL moved me in with them December of 2009. Since then I have had to have hip replacement and I have Congestive Heart Failure and also have to be on oxygen 24/7. I can do some things (very slowly) and I do cook dinner about 4 nights a week to help out. But I can no longer live alone and I'm so very lucky to have such a wonderful Daughter and a super special Son in law. I can do a lot sitting down. Have even learned to lower the ironing board so I can sit and iron. Still do my quilting but Daughter and Granddaughter help when it comes time to lay out the top and make the sandwich. If I ever got down on the floor, I'd never be able to get up again...LOL. I guess the most precious thing we can have is a loving and caring family.
    Families are like old quilts....although they tend to unravel at times...each can be stitched back together with love.

  5. #5
    Moderator Up North's Avatar
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    My MIl lived alone till she was 92 and a half we saw her slowly failing and not eating well, Dh checked on her eveyday she went to the hospital just before Christmas and they recommended a skilled nursing center, she has been there since and will remain there, I live in a trailer and just do not have room for a wheel chair, She is getting very forgetful, sometimes thins her son is her brother, talks about visitors that have been gone for 30 years or more. She is getting good care and activities that I could not do with her.

  6. #6
    Super Member RobertaMarie's Avatar
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    Janice, you are so sweet, and so is your mother. Thanks for the intro at guild yesterday. I admire people who can take in their aging parents. I didn't have that chance, and I miss my mom so much! I am glad Jack and I have each other, as there are no kids to go to. God bless you and your whole family. You are so special.

  7. #7
    Super Member kathdavis's Avatar
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    You are so lucky to have your mom for so long. What a treasure! My mom died from cancer at 56 and I was only 22. I know I missed out on so much.
    Kathleen

    Remember, people will see your quilts long after you are gone....NOT your housework!

  8. #8
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    We've been through this with both my MIL and Mother. My MIL was a difficult lady all her life, but the last 6 months of her life were almost magic, she was so easy to be with. She'd had 2 strokes and dementia, and couldn't remember anything long enough to get mad or be nasty. Both my DH and I count that time as a blessing for her and for us.

    My Mom stayed with DH and I for the last 7 months of her life. She had advancing altzheimers and was so hard of hearing that she couldn't hear the phone when it rang...so we were always worried about her. She finally got sick enough to be hospitalized. I talked to my siblings about 'going home' and we all decided that she should come to our house, since I wasn't working and they were. She was MAD to say the least, and told me living at my house was like being in prison, and called me the warden. We all stood firm. It was funny because we didn't ask her to do anything she didn't do when she was home alone, except come to the table to eat (otherwise she got no exercise at all!) and get to bed by 2:00 AM! Finally had a talk with her about it, and she calmed down and accepted the situation. Ironically, she was not a difficult person in general, but was difficult at the end. But it was a gift to be able to spend that time with her, and I miss her a lot.

    Enjoy your time with your Mom. You'll make new memories and feel your love for her grow.

  9. #9
    Super Member Gramie bj's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=athomenow;4893878]I'm so glad this is working out for you. Some of us have tried various things and nothing has worked in that arena. Mom doesn't want to leave the house on two feet and will only go when she's dead. Her words! I've tried assisted living and they had enough after 3 mos and called us to come get her. We have a lady that comes in 30 hours a week to help with food, bathing and meds. It's all I can do for her. I'm ok that something is going to kill her and she is also 87. My dad died 5 yrs ago and if she had gone then she would have been happy. Good luck with your mother. This is a very sweet act on your part and it does take alot out of you. So take care of yourself also.[/QUOTE

    My Mom is in the middle of yours and jiljack's I am an only child and she refuses to live with me! She says we would come to blows or hurt feeling within a month. LOL We are a lot alike! She still lives at home, alone, will not have any help come in. I have tryed to bring in more than one person to help her, she will chase them off! LOL I know it's not funny but it is either accept her wishes or cry. I have been able to get the car keys away from her, but she won't sell it, keeps the insurance up, and licence tabs current. She keeps saying maybe someday the Dr. will let her drive again. Dr. was relieved when I told him I had her keys. She won't even move closer to me! She refuses to move into town! I live almost 2 hr.s away from her. It is frightning and frustrating, but that's my Mom and you can't change her mind. the more you argue the more she refuses.

  10. #10
    Super Member weasier22's Avatar
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    Bless you for having your Mom live with you and your husband! Both my parents are gone and I miss them everyday!
    Live, Laugh, Love & Quilt!
    Weasie

  11. #11
    Super Member Tink's Mom's Avatar
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    It's good to read this thread....
    I'm dealing with my Aunt and Uncle between bad health and dementia on his part and just poor health on hers...I'm trying to get them to agree to a caregiver...not a week goes by without a problem at their house...I have had a cleaning lady coming in once a month for almost a year, and that has really helped...but...they need someone there for at least 4-6 hours a day. I have a feeling that I'm going to have to get a bit nasty and insist.
    Tink's Mom (My name is really Susie)

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    Power Poster BellaBoo's Avatar
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    My parents died when I was in my 20's and DH's parents died when he was young. We don't have any close elderly relatives but many of our friends have parents they are now responsible to take care of. I know how much their lifestyle has changed even with outside help. I admire them.
    Got fabric?

  13. #13
    Junior Member johnniesgirl's Avatar
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    We moved my Mom in with us in 1991. I am so glad we did. We had a wonderful 16 years with her. Laughs, tears, and memories I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. She passed away in 2007 and we still miss her. I have no regrets.
    Mommy of 2 beautiful kitties & 1 adorable husband

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    I had my mother living with us for 15 years before she passed away in 04 she was 84.The one thing i wished is that i spent more time just setting down and talking to her.I had to work so it was a little hard at times,but if i had it to do over i would had let small things that i thought was important go for a while.I really miss her and our talks.

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    Junior Member Nan Quilts's Avatar
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    My mom lived with us for 3 years before she went home to be with the Lord. It was the same kind of situation as yours. There were some difficult times, but I would trade everything if I could have a little more time with her. God bless you for your love, devotion and dedication to your mom, I don't think you'll regret it.
    Royalty is my identity. Servanthood is my assingment. Intimacy with God my life source.

  16. #16
    Super Member Emma S's Avatar
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    Just a word from the other side. I am 64 and in good health but I dread the day I won't be able to live independently. More than anything I don't want to be a burden to my children. Bless you all for welcoming your elders into your life and into your home, and most of all, thinking of it as a blessing.

  17. #17
    Super Member Joeysnana's Avatar
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    I lost my 87 year old FIL one month ago. He was a sweetie til the end. His wife passed away 3 years ago and he started to deteriorate from that point on. His 4 sons lived within a mile of him and were his caregivers. They were wonderful. One of his sons was with him evey minute. The 4 sons took 24 hour shifts and did the cooking, cleaning, dr. appt...... They kept him at home because that was his wish and also theirs. Hospice came for his last few weeks of life, but his 4 sons were with him then too. We were so blessed to have him so many years and miss him greatly.

  18. #18
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    Janice and all of the rest of you that are or have taken care of your elderly parents, I highly commend you for all of your efforts. It is hard being a parent to you parents. We had my mother living with us for about 8 months before she got too hard to have in our home. She was a dialysis patient and I took her 3 times a week to her appointments, a half day at least at a time. She was from Michigan and missed her friends up there, living down here in Indiana. Maybe that was why she was so hard on our last child at home, a middle school student. Our daughter, a great student, a very polite young lady, couldn't do anything right in Mom's eyes. She made it very hard on our daughter and we, along with my 2 brothers decided to move her back to a private home that was a nursing home for just a few patients just outside her town. She was much happier up there and could have her friends come and visit her. I didn't realize how much pressure I was under until we all made that decision. I'm writing this to let you all know that it doesn't always work out having a parent living in your home and that it is OK to make other arrangements when it doesn't. God bless you all.
    Janis

  19. #19
    Senior Member imdelagarza62's Avatar
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    I had my mother live with us for 15yrs after my father died, she wished everyday that it had been her. I have 4 other siblings that would not help at all. 4 months ago due to economic downturn had to downsize and take my mother to brothers. I miss her so much even with the frustrating things she did. He won't speak to me now because of this, expected me to still pay for everything and won't let me know if she is still with him or if he forced her into a nursing home. They live 100 miles away. Cherish this time because it is gone sooner than you know.
    Ilma

  20. #20
    Super Member Edie's Avatar
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    My mother is 95 years old and she has all of her marbles. Thank God for that! She has trouble walking and getting around, but she still does her own cooking, bathing, dressing, cleaning up the house if necessary, lives in her own home. We are slowly weeding out what is necessary and what is not - that is done by my two sisters and I. I don't think my mother would ever want to live with any of us. Stubborn German, that she is! My way or the highway! Don't do as I do, do as I say!" But every piece of quilting I have ever done has to go before the "BOARD" before it goes out!!!!!! I just finished a pinwheel and she even called me up and told me to make another one only bigger! My mother is a fantastic quilter. She can't quilt or sew anymore because of back problems, but my sisters and I do what she can't do in the house and she has people who clean the house for her twice a month. Not in the winter, but in the Spring, Summer and Fall she drives to church and to the cemetery to visit Dad!!! She is a charmer! A little old German broad, who I love dearly. She wouldn't live with me if her house burned down!!!!!! Point being - they have their lives too! If Mom can live at home and do her thing, watch some tv, read some good books, talk on the phone, have visitors and cook fantastic meals, she can stay at home! She prays a lot too!!!!! She is, all by herself, saving this whole world from everything!!!!! God Bless the Mom! Edie
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  21. #21
    Senior Member maryfrang's Avatar
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    My husband and I have a dear friend that is 84 and lives alone. His children all live within 10 miles of him, but do not visit him. They want him to move into an assisted living home. He wants to stay in they last home his wife of 53 years had with him. His daughter complains that she has to help her dad, but guess who everyone of them come to when they need him. I lost my parents and my in laws when they were young. I wish I could have this problem (if would not be a problem) of taking care of parents. Thank your for caring for your parents, I wish more would. I do believe there is a time for nursing homes, but a family home care is best for our parents.

  22. #22
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    I took care of my mom for 4 years before her passing,I stayed with her at night during the week and my daughter stayed my husband understood he wanted no part of her being in the nursing home,my sister also came and spent the night we both had understanding husbands.......no regrets

  23. #23
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    My mother is gone now, but had to go to a nursing home when she passed out from undiagnosed diabetes. We had hoped she'd be able to go to home, but found the diabetes was caused by cancer. Putting her in a home was so traumatic for her. She was a very independent woman who raised her 3 kids by herself & helped care for her father as well. We all felt so terrible for her even if she tried to lay on a guilt trip.

    I decided that while I was of sound mind and body, I'd warn my kids that I will probably do the same. But -- they should know right now that will not be the real me and I do NOT want them to feel guilty whatever I do then. Hopefully, this will prevent the guilt that I felt and couldn't do anything about. I'm glad I had that discussion and can only hope that they will remember it.

  24. #24
    Super Member caspharm's Avatar
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    I can relate. DH and I are onlies. My mother lives in assisted living (her choice in CA), my father lives in an apt with aides coming in (Illinois), and we moved my MIL in with us last Oct. We built an addition for her, so other than a complete kitchen, she has her own space. My DH had her sell her car, since she wasn't doing a lot of driving.

    The only issue when we moved her here was that DH didn't go early enough to start packing her up, so when he went to help her finish packing ( and he is one of those that if he doesn't know what to do with it, it goes), he rushed her and she got upset. She lived in a 3 bedroom, 1600 sq ft manufactured home to a 688 sq ft studio addition.

    However, we are all doing better now, but she is not a very social animal. Therefore, she stays in the house a lot.

  25. #25
    Super Member barri1's Avatar
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    It's my pleasure to look after my mom.. She is an 84 yo.. She still drives, goes to the gym three times a week, and is pretty sharp.. She fell while getting on the treadmill, and needed 60 sutures in her shin.. It's been a month, and it's taking a long time to heal.. but that hasn't stopped her.. I'm picking her up to take her to a show at the library.. The library is across from her house, and since it snowed, and it's icy, I'd perfer to walk her, and not have her break a hip.. While she is there, I'm going to update her virus software on the computer, and take a nap..
    I guess I shouldn't mention that I drop my dog at her house to keep her company while at work..
    I am lucky, and loving whatever time I have left with her..
    Barri

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