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Thread: Mom's with daughters I need your advice again....You will love this one

  1. #1
    Super Member Quiltforme's Avatar
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    My daughter is almost 17 and is going to her first homecoming dance on Saturday. All well here me very excited, dress check, shoes check, makeup check. Then tonight she comes home and ask if she can spend the night at her friends house. I am ok with this but that little gut feeling something more was comming. Then she said well here is the catch I pop up and said what no parents she says no "The Boys" will also be staying over. INSTANT brakes HECK NO my daughter is upset. Ok I need to know am I over reacting?? I was a single mother for a few years I was 21 but still. I know that the parents will be there but I do not know the parents. I honestly do not know what to say. I told her I need to calm down and then talk with her tomorrow. You all have really helped me with my quilting and sorry to bug you but I know that with so many mom's out there with older kids you have already been through this. I live in an area were all the kids 12 and younger. So I really do not have anyone else to talk too. Her best friend's mom and I are good friends but I cannot believe she would let her daughter sleep over with her boyfriend. Please tell me if I am overreacting or being a mom who loves her kid. I value all opinions on this one.

  2. #2
    T-Bones mom's Avatar
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    Call me old fashioned but that would be the day when my 17yo daughter would sleep over with her boyfriend. IMHO

  3. #3
    Junior Member Ladybugnana's Avatar
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    you haven't over reacted. The world is a much different place from what we grew up in. I would not let my daughter stay over at a "friends" house without knowing the family and talking to the parents first. You are just asking for trouble otherwise. Believe me, I know...been there, done that. :cry:

  4. #4
    Power Poster Sadiemae's Avatar
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    No over reaction, you have to be careful. I believe you are a Mom who loves her kid and wants to keep her safe. Can you visit with the parents that you do not know and your friend to see what they are thinking? I think it is kind of a scary situation.

  5. #5
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    I think that I would immediately go over and meet these parents, and listen carefully to what they say, what they do not say, and also listen to that little voice that is whispering in your mind. Check out their house, any beer cans lying around, far too many liquor bottles on display? Car with a lot of dents? Kids sullen around the parents? And ask friends about these people, they should be known around town if they have teenagers.

    Remember, this is only a party, kids take parties to heart, and they don't have the life experience to see muddy roads ahead. It won't damage her permanently if she is not allowed to go to this overnight. There might be a lot of screaming and crying, or merely sullen moments, but you have to do what you believe to be the right thing. I remember some of the yelling and arguing from my oldest daughter because of not being allowed to run around all night like her friends, she wanted to do what SHE wanted.....now she is a guard in a Texas Jail!!!

    I don't think you are over-reacting at all. My second husband, who raised my two daughters, and I were parents, not best friends with them till they were grown. Teens think they are grown men and women, but do lack the wisdom to look below the surface of some people.

  6. #6
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    Stick to your guns! She 17 doesn't need to grow up so fast. She will thank you in a few yrs!!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bones mom
    Call me old fashioned but that would be the day when my 17yo daughter would sleep over with her boyfriend. IMHO
    I would also check with the other parents to find out what the sleeping arrangments would be, it could be above board but you just never know,
    I would not be happy letting my girls stay over with boys in the house, but I am old fashioned all my children were shaperoned till they got married.

  8. #8
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    I agree with all of the above statements. Call the parents-Are they really going to be there?
    Let her go to the party but not stay over.

  9. #9
    Super Member Mamagus's Avatar
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    I have a 25 year old daughter ...
    In my opinion: She asks this time and you give her a no? The next time she won't ask. She'll find a time and a place to rebel without you ever knowing anything about it.

    It is all well and good to be the Mom who takes the high moral ground, but unless you plan to escort her everywhere she goes for the next 4 years, she will in all probability have sex with a boy before then. You can be pro-active and provide her with birth control or her own supply of condoms, but if she wants to, she is gonna do it with or without a sleepover party. It takes a few minutes!!

    By all means call the parents and check out where the boys are sleeping... but unless you're going to supervise her, you have to give her "The Talk" and hope for the best.

    Letting your child make decisions on their own about their life's path is not being amoral and uncaring. Not if you've already been the voice in her head guiding her decisions thus far. If you've raised her right she'll be fine.

  10. #10
    Senior Member 19angel52's Avatar
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    Please tell me if I am overreacting or being a mom who loves her kid. I value all opinions on this one.[/quote]


    Heck no, you are not overreacting!!! Daughter will get over it..... Just don't understand today's world where the parents are buddies with their kids.....!

  11. #11
    Super Member fidgety's Avatar
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    They used to have lockins on prom night where I come from. The kids get a chance to be togather drug and alcohol free. They also got a chnce to win cool prizes. My daughter wona huge boom box and a tv.

    If this is not available in your area. well ask yourself, do you trust your daughter? I would still talk to the parents and make sure they were going to be there and such. we cannot protect them from mistakes, we can only hope they have listened to our wisdom.
    good luck. I know how hard it is to be parents of teenagers.

  12. #12
    Super Member Chele's Avatar
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    I would definitely talk to and get to know the parents hosting the party. It probably is a "lock-in" type party. They're all the rage. I'd rather them all be locked in and not on the road driving or sneaking out getting into some other situation.

    Good luck. Raising teens is not for the squeamish! We're here for you.

  13. #13
    Power Poster CarrieAnne's Avatar
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    I dont think your over reactingeither. I wouldfor sure, call the other Parents.

  14. #14
    Power Poster CarrieAnne's Avatar
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    I had a friend who would let his Sons GF spend the night. The girls Mom was just fine with this, and they were only 16 and 17. All went perfectly, til the girl ended up pregnant, then the boy was 18 and she was 17, and they got into a fight. GUESS WHO ended up in PRISON.......and this is a true story. They came and got the boy from school, and took him to jail, andhe ended up spending two years in prison. It was really a sad thing to see!

  15. #15
    Power Poster cjomomma's Avatar
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    My DD wouldn't dare ask a question like that because I would have the HECK NO reaction too. Until she moves out she will live by my rules. Your the mom you set the rules so stick to your guns. Let her have a hissy fit, I'm sure it's not the first time.

  16. #16

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    I agree with getting all the details, talking with parents, etc., but I would still say no. she is almost 18 she can do what she wants when she is out of your house like cjomomma says!

  17. #17
    Super Member quiltinghere's Avatar
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    Definately call the parents and ask if you can visit for a few minutes to talk. Then visit and get to know them - ask lots of questions.
    See which parent is staying up all night to keep an eye on them.
    (How about offering to go there for a few hours (say 1am-5am) so they can get some rest before breakfast?
    Call the other parents involved...maybe all the kids are saying "all the other parents are letting their kids stay" when they may be feeling just like you.

    How well do you know your daughter? Do you know the friends? What about their parents? What are they like? Have they been over? Are they respectful? What are they involved in at school? Good students? Bad students?

    I'm sure there's lots of terrible, horrible stories out there but there are good stories too you may have never heard of either. I think it's great for girls to have friends who are boys and boys to have girls that are friends.

    The *KEY HERE IS TO KNOW YOUR KID, THEIR FRIENDS AND THEIR FRIENDS' PARENTS*. It's starts in grammar school and should continue throughtout high school!

    Then make your decision...good luck...

    By the way - been there done that.

  18. #18
    Super Member Murphy's Avatar
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    I raised sons only and I would not let my son do an "overnight" at the ages you describe. You are not over reacting you are being a parent. Ask yourself, would you have boys and girls spend the night at your house under these circumstances? If the answer is yes, then contact the parents and find out what they are planning. If the answer is no, then the answer to her is no. It is not our job to be friends with our kids; it is our job to raise responsible, acceptable adults. I know we can't be everywhere with our children, but I am not in support of providing extra opportunities (smile).

  19. #19
    Super Member cherylynne's Avatar
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    I did let my daughters stay over their friend's house after prom, but I always told them that they could call me anytime for a ride home. Sometimes they wished they had just come home because the party was going on too long and it was just not all of the great fun they had expected. I had to go get her and her date once and I'm glad that she called me. My oldest is 30 and my youngest is 25 so that was quite some time ago. They still know that I will come and pick them up if they get stuck someplace. It depends on the circumstances everytime, but if you talk about what your expectations are, she will have already made her decision about what she wants to do before a situation happerns.

  20. #20
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    My answer would be NO, end of discussion. Regardless of wither you know the parents at all, are they going to stay up AND awake to make sure that the girls and boys stay where they're supposed to be. Highly unlikely.

  21. #21
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    I would meet and talk with the parents. Everybody here will throw stones at me but my girls had boys sleep over here all the time and girls too. Everything was on the up and up. Of course half of my kids friends are gay. But I trusted that I raised my daughters right and I kept very close tabs on them. My youngest daughter is still pure and my oldest was when she married. So, keep an open mind.

    I remember when I was 11 I went to a sleepover at a friends house in the back yard. In the middle of the night a bunch of boys climbed the fence. The youngest brother called the police and my friend and I moved into the house! It was quite a night. :lol: :lol: :lol:

  22. #22
    Super Member Shelbie's Avatar
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    My daughter is 19 so I know that this isn't an easy decision. First of all you should be thankful that your daughter would tell you in advance about the sleep-over. She sounds like a very responsible young woman and you two must have a good relationship or she wouldn't have let you know. You can't babysit a 17 year old 24 hours a day. There has to be trust and open communication. Talk to your daughter some more, call the parents and talk to them too. Offering to help supervise is a great idea. Try to work out a compromise that everyone can live with. It may involve an early morning brunch (think 2 a.m.) and you driving some sleepy teens home at 4 a.m. Just telling your daughter no may work this time but the next time she just won`t tell you. Good luck with all of this and keep talking.

  23. #23
    Super Member quiltingfan's Avatar
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    DO NOT LET HER GO !!!!! I have always told my girls that it s my job to keep them out of situations that can hurt them. Including having sex before they are ready. They appreciate it and I have never had a problem with rebellion. Please protect them.

  24. #24
    Senior Member GrammaNancy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ramona Byrd
    I think that I would immediately go over and meet these parents, and listen carefully to what they say, what they do not say, and also listen to that little voice that is whispering in your mind. Check out their house, any beer cans lying around, far too many liquor bottles on display? Car with a lot of dents? Kids sullen around the parents? And ask friends about these people, they should be known around town if they have teenagers.

    Remember, this is only a party, kids take parties to heart, and they don't have the life experience to see muddy roads ahead. It won't damage her permanently if she is not allowed to go to this overnight. There might be a lot of screaming and crying, or merely sullen moments, but you have to do what you believe to be the right thing. I remember some of the yelling and arguing from my oldest daughter because of not being allowed to run around all night like her friends, she wanted to do what SHE wanted.....now she is a guard in a Texas Jail!!!

    I don't think you are over-reacting at all. My second husband, who raised my two daughters, and I were parents, not best friends with them till they were grown. Teens think they are grown men and women, but do lack the wisdom to look below the surface of some people.
    I agree with Ramona, andI think kids really want limits.

  25. #25
    Moderator Up North's Avatar
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    What is it exactly you are worried about? Alcohol? Drugs? They will do that anytime of the day if they are going to. Sex that happens in the daylight too. Do you know her Boyfriend? Is he responsible? Do you trust him. I raised 5 boys and if you trust her all will be fine. I would talk to the host parents tho and find out details. My sons GF's stayed over but they slept on the couch and the boys were downstairs. WE had an open door policy, door must be open and mom can come in anytime to see what you are up to. If you don't find the information to be what you hope for then nix the idea.

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