Crossstitcher

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

QuiltnLady1

Have been there and done that. I don't think the folks who design swim suits want anyone over 21 to wear them and I would not want a granddaughter younger than 21 to wear one.

Jan in VA

My last bathing suit dry rotted years ago.
I regularly, hopefully, look thru the Lands End catalog, sigh, despair, and go get a Coke and a piece of chocolate.
Guess it'll be shorts and a T for me, too, or au naturel someplace VERY private.
Jan in VA

Peckish

I tried a Lands End suit a couple of years ago. I had high hopes because they have full coverage 2-pieces and you can order different sized pieces, which was great for me because my lower half is larger than my upper half. I was VERY disappointed. There was NO support in the top section, despite their claim, and even though I ordered according to their size chart, it was about 2 sizes too big. The bottom half fit horribly - the legs were way too snug and the waist was way too large.

Jingle

I laughed out loud. I guess because I resemble that story. I haven't worn a swim suit since I was 18 or so.
Usually wear old shorts and knit blouse to swim in a shallow river.

Stitchit123

This is why I have always loved my bathing suit of cut-offs and T-shirt and the bonus of our suits is that when we are dry we can go any where while the lycra clad are still trying to escape the wet stuck to you like glue lycra suits---See ya at the beach : )

CookyIN

Too funny yet all too true. A friend says the best time she ever had, and the hardest she ever laughed, was when she went with me to buy a new bathing suit. That was almost 20 years ago, and bathing suits have only gone downhill since.

Joset

oh that is great i loved the story. lol

Lyncat

That is so true! Hahaha. I found a cute suit at Kohls.com this year. Our kids have moved in so the backyard pool is a little more public! I bought the top in a tall size so it is nice and long!

catmcclure

Back in the early 70's my cousin and I decided to make our own swimsuits. She made a dark brown one. I, on the other hand, loved a peachy lycra. Thought it would be gorgeous. Well, it was - until I got in the water. Did you know that wet lycra becomes invisible? I didn't either, but I found out fast. Thank goodness she and I were the only ones in the apartment pool at the time.