I would use flannels, patterns easy on the eye with the colors your SIL loves. A simple pattern in order to get your present for her done ASAP. She can wrap herself in a soft, warm cloak of love made visible. It will mean so much to her .........

No to the M quilt definately. Know you want to show love but the host of mixed feelings may never be resolved for her. She will never need a reminder as she will always think as we all do that there was something she (they) could have done to prevent her death.

I think you exemplify the best in quilters on so many levels.....

Cindy

Also depends on what kind of relationship her and her mother had. If they were close, one day she may appreciate the memory quilt. If they were not close, she may just resent getting one. Better to wait.

So many variables with their relationship just now. I was thinking maybe some time in the future, when your SIL has had plenty of time to digest and can better cope, is this something maybe the two of you could do together? Having her involved with the whole thing may help her deal with her grief in her way and preserve the memories she wants to hold onto rather than you trying to figure it out.

Certainly a lot of choices presented here and I agree with the comfort quilt for now. Beyond that, this subject just shows me how much compassion and loving care is on this forum for people we only know through a screen. Thank you all for your caring thoughts. I wish I had had you all during our crisis. I'm sure I would have fared much better than I did.

I don't think that I would ever make a memory quilt for her. I agree on making her a pretty quilt that would let her know that you care.

my sister committed suicide about a year ago and for me a memory quilt would have been too hard for me to accept. A lap quilt would be perfect to curl up in when you just need to let loose. nice to know there are still people like you in the world thinking of others.

i agree. then later you could ask her if she would like something like that.

as for me? i would not want a memory quilt.

I second this opinion..

My 2 cents worth? I think a comfort quilt would be best at this time. I'm sorry for everyone's loss. We had a cousin take her life years ago and her sisters (who lived nearby)were guilt-ridden for years because they had missed all the signs. You're all in my prayers.

I agree that a comfort quilt would be nice and a memory one later.

I agree, I would make a comfort quilt now and later after a time for healing would approach the Memory quilt

I would suggest a comfort quilt as well.
A memory quilt may not be a good idea. With your description she may not have good memories to warrant a memory quilt.

I would wait awhile and see how she handles the death first - no need to rush.

comfort quilt, and let her know that lots of prayers and hugs are there for her.

how about a prayer shawl...I'd hold off with the other quilt

I have to agree with sgarner; except I would wait longer than a month. Give her time to morn. There are 3 stages in loosing aloved on. Sorrow, anger and acceptance. People react differently and it takes longer for some. Watch for the stages. Then ask what her favoriate memories were of her mother. I would not make anything out of her clothes. I would take the information from her memories and then incorporate them into a quilt. Use 1 or two memories. Most important, comfort her by letting her know you are there, even if you are miles away.

I love your sense of caring and your desire to do something to provide comfort. I wouldn't do the memory quilt though. I think a comfy quilt or prayer shawl is a lovely suggestion though.

Agreed. Allow time before asking about a memory quilt. Even without the issue of having taken her own life, grief takes time to work itself out.

There have been some excellent suggestions here and I concur with the comfort quilt/throw. I have found a URL to an excellent site that deals directly with grief, originally written for those terminally ill people then later extended to all loss. It is well work reading. God bless you for the love in your heart. He will guide you in whatever you decide to do. Sometimes just sitting and being a silent comfort is enough.

oops...forgot the URL: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

There will always be a wide range of feelings within a family when a death occurs but when it is as you described the scale of feelings from those left behind will hava a much larger range. First of all you must have loved this family in varing degrees or this would not be a problem for you. But as I and others already know, time does seem to set the world in order from losing someone we love. You could do a quilt for your friend but maybe not so heavy on the memory side as the love you feel for her. That would necessitate your adding something reminding her of the loss of a mom but if you use your creative juices you can give something that would be comforting to her and a few months from now it will bring her comfort to see something that reminds her of her mother as well. Having dealt with this kind of death for over twenty years we all know at first one feels absolute hate towards the lost one and progresses to the good and reasonable side afterwards. Grief takes many forms with each person individually, but eventually this lady will grow to understand her mom taking her own life had nothing to do with her. This lady may feel she didn't love her mother enough or this would not have happened. Her love for her mother was not the problem, the illness her mother had was the problem.Depression is a disease in which the person who is suffering through just does not have the ability to understand or equate the pain she will cause someone else because of their own pain which won't go away. My best wishes to you and your caring for a friend who is suffering now and her pain is probably very deep at this time but love from family and friends will guide her back to the right side of her grief where she can feel good for the good times and put away the times that may not have been so good for her. Go ahead with your quilt because you may need to express your grief for your friend as much as your friend may need to know you care. May God bless all of you.

It depends on your sister in law.
Some rather like to go in their own quiet place to deal with the hurt. Your sister in law may need to know that the struggle means something - not to her alone.

You know your sister in law. Do what your heart tells you to do. It will be right.

My sentiments as well.

I agree with the others, a comfort quilt would be better at this time. Also, if you were close with her, I would offer her a shoulder as well. It's a horrible thing to go through and with family issues does not make it any easier

Agreed...

I agree with the idea of a comfort quilt. Personally I never want a memory quilt. I have a mentally ill father and don't have a lot of happy memories and even a good memory can dredge up a bad one. I do not live in my past. That is why I don't go to psychiatrists. They just kept me stirred up remembering all the crap I had to endure.

I would suggest that after quite a bit of time has passed I would bring up the idea of a memory quilt with her. Not letting her know it would be for her. Something like "a lot of the quilters on my quilt board are making memory quilts for people that have lost someone dear to them. I have mixed feelings about them. What do you think? " How she answers this would give you a key into how she feels about such a thing.

Hope this helps. And HUGS for you.

This post has sure brought a lot of thoughtful responses from everyone here. It confirms what I already knew - that there are wonderful people on here who truly care about the others. This subject touched a place in my heart also because I was married to someone who committed suicide 4 years ago. The emotions that go along with that are just indescribable. Your responses to this post were thoughtful, sensitive, and I'm sure very much appreciated.

I think just a nice quilt would be better. If it wasn't a good relationship, then who needs the memories, right! But a lovely quilt, maybe a lap size, would be nice!....

ditto

I agree with those who said a "comfort quilt" (I didn't know what that was either)would be better right now.

I have to agree with the ladies here. Hold off on the memory quilt. We will keep you in our prayers!

I don't think a memory quilt is a good idea just now. I think
if you make her a nice lap quilt for herself, and a nice basket
to go with it, Maybe eventually you could make one, but
even have her involved with it, as part of the healing.

I totally agree with SadieMae!

I agree. She isn't ready for the memories yet. Maybe someday....

Yes, just a pretty cuddle quilt, maybe even tied so as to give it better lost and softness.
My condolences to the family.

What a wonderful person you are to want to create something for her. Comfort is most important at this time.

No memory quilt right now. There have been two suicides in my family and it takes a lot longer to get over than a normal death.

Not now...........

Your Avatar quilt is beautifull. You must have paper pieced it??? For a more or less newbie you certainly did a wonderful job. Do you mind sharing where I could purchase the pattern???
Keep up the good work, Kutnso

Colors don't matter and men don't know very much about the process. Just finish what you have and present it to your SIL; she'll love that you care enough. Comfort quilts are beautiful and well received "just because". (I still don't know what an "avatar" quilt is. Do I need to know?)