okay ladies, this is a very sensitive subject. My SIL's mom just passed away saturday. Not to get into the details but she took her own life. I am wanting to do something for my SIL and was thinking about making a memory quit for her. But I don't know if it is a good idea. there are many issues with their relationship, but she was her mom. Do you ladies think that it would be a good idea to make a memory quilt for my sil, even though her mom took her own life? (it was do to a life long battle of horrible depression at least that is what I have been told) I am even hesitent to ask because it is a very touchy subject for me as well as for my SIL. Do you ladies think that this is a good idea or should I not go there?

Just my opinion, but right now I would make a comfort quilt. Later...I would consider a memory quilt.

make it --but you may have to wait a while befor she is ready to recieve it

I agree, nothing directly related to the mom right now, just from you to her to let her know you care.

what is a comfort quilt? one made with bits of her cloths? or just a pretty quilt that is good for cuddling?

I agree with SadieMae. I think a nice comforting quilt or lap quilt would be more appropriate. Even if suicide and family issues aren't involved, some people aren't comfortable with memory quilts. Your heart is in a good place-go with your feelings. You love her and want to offer her comfort. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

My mother has had a very long battle with depression and threatens to take her life at least three times a year. If I ever end up in your SIL shoes a memory quilt would be hard to handle. I think that a comfort quilt would mean the world to her right now.

I think you should talk to her husband to see what he thinks her reaction would be, but I would defiantly let whoever know you want some of her thing for the project before they are discarded and gone forever.

I was talking about a pretty quilt good for cuddling.

I would go ahead and make it. Things may be up in the air right now but she was still her Mom and in time i think she will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I think that I will give my bro a call and see if he can get a couple of good pics of her for a memory quilt for maybe next Christmas. I think that a cuddle quilt will work good now. I think when I call him I will ask him what colors she likes. Or if he knows what colors her mom likes. I have a quilt top done that I wasn't sure who to give it to yet and might just use that top if he thinks she will like the colors. It is actually my avatar quilt.thank you all for the help. I will aslo see if I can get a couple of her shirts that my sil remembers most or likes and use them for the memory quilt for her. if my bro thinks it is a good idea. I just want to get something done by tomorrow night because I am leaving at around 6:30 am to drive to OK for the funeral.

Too soon. Later.

I think a comfort quilt to cuddle in would be the best right now. Give them time to let their feelings settle before approaching them on something like that.

I think that a pretty quilt, maybe from flannel would be well received. Depression is an illness and those afflicted sometimes just can't bear to suffer any more. Your SIL may benefit from a support group for people in her situation. Take care and follow your heart.

In any dysfunctional family, I think it can be extremely difficult to hit only on the memories that evoke a positive feeling, and not the ones which there is pain attached. It takes a lot of personal knowledge to get that mix just right so that the quilt does it's job, which is to provide comfort. I think if you give her a month, and then ask her to list her 10 most favorite memories about her mom, then you might do a better job at getting that mix right. Give her time to digest the death, because right now she might just be struggling from day to day with survival.

how about a pillow or teddy bear out of her clothing

I am with SadieMae. I would make her a comfort quilt for now, and then when time has passed, maybe you would get a chance to talk to her about making the memory quilt.

I agree that a quilt to comfort her right now would be best and something to remember her by next Christmas like you said would be best.

I'm so sorry this happened. I've been touched with the same situation, so I know what the family is going through. I wish the best for all involved.

I made my mom a quilt for the nursing home she stayed in. After she passed, my dh, who is a truck driver said he would take it and use it in his truck.

It has been 5 years since she is gone, and even washing for dh to take back to the truck, makes me really sad.

I think a comfort quilt would be awesome. Just my opinion.

In time she may get a good bit of comfort out of helping you make it even.

I agree.

If I had somthing finished and handy I'd probibly take it to leave her with a perpetual Hug, then just be there for what ever support you can give, so she worries less about the small things, have gone with the zip baggies and extra plates, napkins, wrap, TP in the car just incase and supprising has been put to use many times. Have also sent flowers a couple of weeks later to remind that person I'm still thinking of them in there loss, since it the pain dosen't go away right after the services. May ask brother to save a few things for use later, and then ask her, If it would be ok. I try to not give things like this at the holidays, have had enough reminders myself about past loved ones not to be taken over the edge at what is often a stressful time like the holidays can be to some.
Well that was longer than I thought it would be.... {{{huggs}}} to you and your family .

I think a comfort quilt also for now. While you are at the services listen to what other people and your SIL may say about her mother. When most people are talking at the services they are only bringing up that persons wonderful qualities and happy memories and maybe that will give you an idea for the quilt for next Christmas. When my Aunt passed I asked my Uncle for some of the clothes she wore all the time so I could make my cousins quilts from them. I waited a couple months to ask but didn't want to wait to long for fear he would donate them. Hope this helps and so sorry for your family loss.

I would suggest the comfort quilt instead of a memory quilt. Death is a very personal subject for anyone. I think she would appreciate it, but don't be hurt if she doesn't accept it with open arms for now. She will be dealing with her emotions and right now nothing but time may heal her.

Give her some space, but let her know you are there for her.

For now I agree that a pretty, snuggly, comforting quilt for her is best. I would go ahead and ask your brother/husband to make sure that some things are saved for a memory quilt. Then I would try to figure out a way to show SIL a memory quilt without asking her is she wanted one and I'm talking down the road here...like a year from now. You know...one of those..."Oh...I was on the board today and this woman had done a beautiful memory quilt for her DH's Mom...you should have seen it....pics of the family and she used all her dresses......" If SIL seems interested you know....if not maybe she'll say no. It's just a thought. Good luck and I will be praying for comfort for your family.

A quilt is something she can put away in a closet for now if she's not up to dealing with any part of mom's life. She can always pull it out, keep it out and put it back when she's not in the mood. Regardless of how she's feeling, she's sure to appreciate your efforts.

Question? Are you planning on using photos or something like that? Or are you going to try to get some of her clothing to make the quilt?

I'll go with the comfort quilt idea after some thought.

Comfort, definitely. Maybe a memory quilt someday, maybe not. I know someone who lost their Mom in a really difficult way, not the same way, but even with healing and time would have just felt sadness from a memory quilt. It might make her wish for what can never be. But, your heart is definitely in the right place.

I think that's the best route right now too.

Just repeating what many have said: Yes, to a comfort quilt (or lapquilt), no to a memory quilt, at least not now.

Families are incredibly complicated, and not everyone reacts the same way to memories, good or bad. For example, I wouldn't want a memory quilt, ever: I prefer other ways of preserving memories than quilts.

Later, if you're close to your SIL and she talks about her mother, you can (gently) ask her whether she would want such a quilt. But I'd wait for this conversation to happen: I wouldn't force it!

Jory

A memory quilt might be too hard to bear right now emotionally - but a quick, lovely quilt in her favorite colors would bring her a lot of comfort in your caring!

I agree with this.

My heart goes out to your SIL and the entire family. I would think it would be too soon for a memory quilt.

I lost my mother last year, and I had posted her photo on a post here, and I had to ask that it be removed, because everytime I saw it I cried my eyes out and got so depressed. I am sure over time it will heal somewhat, but it would be too soon now to do a memory quilt (this is just my opinion as I have suffered from severe depression all my life and since Mama passed it has gotten worse.)

So be real sensitive to what your SIL is going thru.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and the entire family.

Agree with the majority -- no memory quilt now. You will have to wait and see how your friend feels about that later (maybe much later)

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. She has been gone 10 years, but I still don't want a memory quilt. Probably never will.

A comfort quilt from you lets her know you care and are thinking of her. Sounds better to me.

I agree. She needs comfort right now, perhaps she will be more able to accept a memory quilt later.

I'm basically in agreement with the group. I've had to deal with a lot of deaths in my family the past few years, though none under those circumstances. We all grieve differently and it's hard to imagine how I would feel if any of my family passed due to suicide. I would make a comfort quilt for your SIL. Use her favorite colors or colors in her home for a good fit. Give her some time and you'll have to gauge when the time is right to bring up the idea of a memory quilt. Someone mentioned a month, but that's really very soon after a death. The element of shock really does impact the grieving process in unpredictable ways. My deepest sympathy to the family.

You will know the right time to give it to her because you will sense it. Having gone through the death of a grandchild, I know that having something special will be very emotional but at the same time, will mean more to her than you will ever know. From my own experience, I don't believe she is ready for anything right now, but she definitely will be in the future. Now is the time for grieving but you will know when is the time for memories. It doesn't come easy!

Those are memories best discarded. I would vote for never making that memory quilt. Instead I would make a birthday, or other major holiday, present without mentioning dear old mom.

I will give my opinion both as a nurse and a recent widow. I have dealt with suicide families in the past and I think it takes a lot of time to accept the depression as a disease and not just a cowardly selfish act. I think I would not want a memory quilt at this time.

I always make my quilts and give them away. My husband had a cardiac arrest while in the hospital and did not get enough oxygen during the CPR. He was left in a "persistent vegetative state" or a vegetable for 9 months. I brought him home to care for him and there were so many times all I could do to make myself feel better was to wrap up in a blanket and hug myself. It would have meant so much more if I would have had a quilt to cuddle with. Just something about a home made quilt to bring comfort. I think a throw sized quilt or twin quilt with a nice label that might say something like "Hoping you find comfort as you wrap yourself in this blanklet of love". Just my opinion.

Terry

I am going to go with the comfort quilt and wait to see how she feels about the memory quilt. I am actually going to wait and make one in colors that she would like. I am making one for her step-dad that I am going to be taking with me if I can get it done in time. If not I plan on having my SIL mail it to her step-dad. I hope that I can get it done in time for him because he is having a really really hard time of it. He is the one that found her. They had been having trouble and they just got back together about a month ago. I am just glad that it wasn't any of my SIL's sibs (they are all younger and still live at home.) Thank you all for your input. It has helped a ton.