I too like the idea of a comfort quilt @ this times.
It is so about your kindness that will truely mean the world

You're right. The kind warm thought is what will come across

I would make a lovely quilt from you to her and not a hint of it relating to her Mom. She will probably have a lot of emotions to sort through some which may not be very pleasant. In time you may make a memory quilt based on how you know how she feels about her mom and how she feels about the taking of her own life. If it is something that takes her a long time to really deal with then at least you made a nice momory between you and her at a time of her need.

maybe you could ask her husband what he thinks about you doing that

Having been the daughter of a suicide myself I think it wouod be a great idea but at a later date. Maybe talk to her about her mother first and get some ideas to what to include. I am sure she would enjoy it or you could go ahead if you know enough about her and present the quilt later. Suicide hits pretty hard. We 22 years later found my dad was murdered and it was staged as a suicide.

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if I'm repeating. The Memory quilts I've seen are made with some clothing of the deceased.
One of the earlier posts suggested asking for some of her clothing before it is all gone. I think this is a good idea. But wait to give it to her until she is ready for it. You could make it anytime and just put it away for the right time or put the clothing or items to use away (maybe labeled so you don't forget where they are from and purpose). If you have the items you can make it sometime. And if she never is ready for it and you don't ever give it to her, you know it was still an act of caring for her even if it remains unknown to her.

I agree that a comfort quilt-something to just give her comfort right now would be best for now.

It really too soon for a memory quilt. I suggest just a quilt without titles. Make her a quilt .... JUST BECAUSE. Later on, make her the memory quilt. Give her time to heal and mourn her loss and then to deal.

I have not read all of the prior posts either, but just to put in my two cents. I would definitely make a comfort quilt only. Maybe at some later time - perhaps way later - you can offer her a memory quilt. You don't have to use her clothing - sometimes pictures are all you have and that's more than enough. Wait and talk to your brother about his wife's relationship with her mother. Sometimes memory quilts are nothing more than crying towels. They're not for everybody - if you don't already know her well enough to know about her relationship with her Mom - concentrate on her relationship with you and make something just for her and let the future take care of itself. Just my personal feelings.

I think a comfort quilt is the better plan right now. Your DH can ask for some clothing to make the memory quilt at a later date. But...I think maybe your SIL, more than anything, may need a good listener. The quilt is great but any long term illness leaves so many raw emotions. I know how I felt when my Dad died from MS. I'm sorry for your loss and I'll say a prayer for your family.

My neice's 20 year old daughter did this. I made a prayer shawl for my neice. Very simple. Lion Brand yarn has patterns & a great gift card to download on line. It was received warmly. I offered to make a memory quilt when my neice was ready. It's been almost 2 years now and she hasn't wanted it yet.

To be honest, I think she will handle it and cherish it later, not now. She has things to work through before she can appreciate her mother. I went through something similar, and now, (5 years later) love and appreciate the person my mother was, despite her problems. I actually was ready about a year after she died.

I agree that a comfort quilt is in the making for now. Before I would think of making a memory quilt, since they had issues, I would ask SIL later though, if she would like a memory quilt, if not for her, then maybe for her children if there are any. Just my opinion.

A comfort quilt is the way to go.

I think, in my opinion, I would wait a awhile. Then a comfort quilt would be comforting to her. She needs to accept the trauma that just happened.

The ladies at my church make prayer (comfort quilts) to share with persons in our community with various needs( illness, deaths, new baby, surgery, move to a care facility, family member in military deployed etc)..just to say we care. Most of the quilts are lap robe (crib size) easy to carry from place to place.

Christmas is a time loaded with emotions and triggers, and it may overwhelm her to deal with the physical reminders in a memory quilt. I agree with the others who said something soft and cuddly first, fleece or flannel, then perhaps later you may judge the time to be right for a memory quilt, or maybe even never.

One day she may embrace a memory quilt, but she must deal with the 'real world' now and in the future, for her and her mother. Just pray; we all want a connection when we are ready... Just now so much now.

I agree, a comfort quilt might be best for now. Bless you for wanting to ease her pain.

Hugs,
Carol

Your intent is loving, but make it definitely a comfort quilt! Having had a painful childhood due to a mother's mental illness issues, the last thing I would ever have wanted at the time of her death would be any reminders. Even now, years later, this is NOT something I'd want. A comfort quilt says "I care about you" and is not intrusive. Let your poor SIL have time and space and peace; not all relationships need to be memorialized. Give her a loving hug and a comfort quilt.

I think maybe just a cheerful quilt for now to lighten her day. Even a small one, that you make just to wrap around herself, would be great for someone who has a family history like that. Depression is 'lifted' when we begin to believe that you have value. Give her proof of HER value to you. You could make her one that memorializes a warm fuzzy memory that you two share? Maybe later, when the 'wounds' begin to heal, discuss a memory of her mom? IMHO :) {HUG} You are a good friend to her.

I am so sorry for your loss...you are in my prayers.

Ditto.

Kyia

I agree . . . and later might just be a quilt. They will have their own memories . . .

I would go directly to the source and ask. I've had many losses in my life, including the death of a child in infancy. In my experience, people want to talk about their loss and their grief, but most people are so afraid of offending or of upsetting them (as if they aren't already upset), that they avoid bringing up the issue. This leaves the grieving person feeling alone and isolated.

You can simply ask her if she would like to talk about it, and if so, ask the question then. Give her some time to think about it and then respect her wishes.

When my daughter died, someone asked me if I would like a sampler with her birthdate, weight, etc. I told her, no, because I wanted to do that myself. But it was the kindest thing anyone said to me during that time. She was not a close friend, only an acquaintance, but she did the right thing.

People will tell us what they need. All we need to do is ask. If they cry, it's really okay. They're doing that anyway, and they are stronger than we think they are.

Ok this is my first post and usually don't say much but on this...I would have to say a comfort quilt for now. I suffer from depression at times and believe me it doesn't take much to triger an attack. If your sister n laws mother suffered then chances are she will to. Even if a trace it can spiral into something worse. Better yet, with all the sadness on her mind you may even ask her if she would like to participate in the making of the quilt. If she knows she has something to look forward to it may help her along in her mental recovery. I can't imagine losing my mother let alone in the way she lost hers. I think anything kind would be a beautiful gesture.

Don't go there. When SIL is ready to talk, just keep the door open for her to do that. She may be grieving for all that did not happen with her mom and bad memories.

I agree.

Catrancher, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. There's now pain like the loss of a child.

We lost a beautiful 19-year-old daughter to a car accident, and for a long time, I could not bring myself to part with some of her things...the time had to be right for ME to let go. One thing now I want to do in her memory is put together the Care Bears alphabet she had cross-stitched. Since there are 26 blocks the quilt will need 4 more blocks to even it up, so I'm going to cross-stitch them commemorating that she had done the work and that it is quilted in memory by her mother (me).

My thought and prayers to all on this board who has lost a loved one.

I think it's wonderful that you would think to do this for your SIL!
But it may be a bit too early to give it to her. Or even to let her know you're doing it.

Ditto. Hugs

If she is ever at a place for a memory quilt, the thought that comes to mind is to give it to her at some other time than Christmas, perhaps not connected to any special day or holiday. But there was a suggestion if there is a time she is open to it, that you offer her the opportunity also to work with you on it. And if that happens she can receive it when it is finished.

Why do you need to mention the lady in question? Her memories are all frought with a lot of negativity and drama right now. The bottom line is you want to offer comfort to your SiL... (Is it your Son-in-law or Sister-in-law?) By all means make a quilt or what ever you want to make. Just make sure it is offered as an object of comfort.....NOT to mention Mother...the emphasis now should be on the survivor(s)... so give your gift for his or her comfort, not with sad strings attached.
I say this from the point of view of someone who is in the middle of five generations of severe depression. It is seldom really understood by others. The deceased victim should not be blamed, but usually is.

Unless you are absolutely confident you know exactly how your SIL felt about her mother I wouldn't even go there. You want to help, not hurt, and I think a comfort/cuddle quilt would be perfect. It says you care, without focusing on the source of the pain.

Same here.

Dear sahm4605, please listen to spring. Forget about the memory quilt. When a person has gone through a lifetime of agony with a mentally ill parent, no amount of time heals that wound. Don't make it worse by making something that will constantly remind her of bad times. A cuddle quilt on the other hand, will let your SIL know that she is loved and cared about now:-)

I agree with Sadiemae. My husband's brother took his own life & it's been 15 yrs & I'd say he'd just now be receptive to a memory quilt but maybe not even now. But a comfort quilt would be great!

You are a very wise woman. I couldn't have said it better myself. Depression runs in my family on both mother and fathers side...I have it but learned to fight hard when the meds don't help. But I have a brother and sister that are bi-polar and on disability with it. And too, each person reacts differently with this...And however this is done about the quilt, do it with kindness. Kathy

Bless you. Your heart is in the right place. There are always so many conflicting feelings when something like this happens. A comfort quilt is the way to go.

I was raised with a mentally ill father who was in hospitals and out again. The sad fact is the drugs they gave didn't always work and I am the product of the bad side of that fact. I was mentally and physically abused by my father. He was dead 29 years before I finally realized last year it was over. I have suffered depression as well as my 3 sisters and 1 brother and my mother. We have all fought to keep it at bay. I have one daughter who is severely depressed and is seeking help for it. I don't think the fact that I was abused will ever go away but the fact that my father is dead and I now realize I never bonded with him hurts worse than the abuse ever did.
A comfort quilt would be good but not a memory quilt now. I wanted to make one from mama's many clothes but my sisters couldn't accept the fact at the time. The gave all of her clothes to charity and I missed the chance. Maybe it would be good to ask her if she would want to help you make the quilt later. You are such a caring person to do this from the heart.

I think you can't go wrong if you give her the quilt in your avatar for the moment.

I'd ask brother to allow you to select some things you might want to use for a memory quilt to be given later - you would know what you're looking for, it's your vision.

And maybe family memories need to be the theme, not just focusing on the mother. If the whole family is in the quilt, it's a reminder about supporting each other along the way.

JMHO